My 89 year old mother lives alone - has extremely poor vision and hearing impaired. She absolutely insists on her independence.. grocery shopping, appointments, etc
Over the last week, she has been hinting (she will never be upfront and just ask) about going out for dinner, getting a burger delivered even though we just brought her to our house for dinner a few days ago... I went over to her house today when I knew she would be out (sadly) to snoop- I know what that sounds like .... and found no meat , 2 bags of rotten mushy carrots and only a loaf of bread in her freezer... she does have eggs, milk.. she is out at bingo
I have had the retirement home talk and then been given the silent treatment for a week, I have offered to set up a weekly grocery run with her (I work FT) but she likes to go when it suits her and not me... ie. weekends- I work every other weekend.
Delivery grocery services are " too much", she wants to pick out her own things, meal delivery services have been tried and given the boot too.
She has all her faculties.. and will not admit she is in need of help... I am at my wits end.
I will say that looking back ( 8 years later into dementia), I realize that her mental faculties were failing even then. When someone doesn’t recognize or admit they need help, things are already going awry in the brain.
Good luck. It can be a long journey.
Mom was adamantly opposed to moving from her home of 30 years, no matter what condition she might eventually be in. She was steadfastly resistant to having someone live in until much later than we 'children' (all in 40s and 50s by then) thought appropriate. Because:
* having visited friends in nursing homes over long periods, she had an idea what that would really be like for herself;
* having watched good friends be forced into Assisted Living or even Retirement Communities by their well-meaning children, she had seen how well that didn't work out (the kids believed the ads, but the resident experience was always more disappointing than that, etc);
* having participated in the last days of several friends still living alone in their own houses, she had a pretty good idea how that would go -- and liked it!
At about age 85 she posted a typewritten sign on her front door that said essentially: Crotchety Old Lady lives here. Don't talk about me behind my back, don't pretend you know best for me. If I'm sleeping when you arrive, wake me up! I'm probably only sleeping because I got tired of reading.
At age 87 she allowed her youngest child to move in 'for a few weeks' after a brutal divorce. At age 89 she was still enjoying reading, TV, and email, but was finally letting him do all the cooking. During her last few months she occasionally needed help getting up in the middle of the night. During her last three weeks she needed someone asleep in the same room overnight.
Would she have lived longer in an Assisted Living place? Maybe. But she would have hated the whole thing, the whole time.
Now that I'm 72 and working in Hospice, I get to see various ways of ending up really old ... and I think someone 89 deserves to make her own choices.
It is pride and fear. They are comfortable with the house they know. A new place confuses them even more if they have any small confusion issues. And the denial- I will never get old and incapacitated.
When you understand her motives you can approach things without taking it personally. Lots of practical advice here by people who have walked the path you are beginning.
She is losing her ability to reason.
Don't expect her to tell you hey I’m having problems here.
Step back. Continue to offer to take her to the store. But, just let her do it. When you visit her just take a few things with you that you know she will enjoy.
My own refrigerator doesn't have eggs. I usually have yogurt milk juice cheese and pepperoncinis to have with my cottage cheese. I just do not need much. Will buy meat when I am going to eat it. Otherwise, it will not be in my fridge.
They’ll spend days planning their grocery lists and still spend what seems likes hours picking out things, talking about foods and recipes to anyone that happens to be nearby. Might your mother look at it in a similar way?
Some take the community bus together, some go with others and share a taxi or ride.. is that something your mother would enjoy?
Give her a book type calendar - month at a glance - and mark on it the day you are available to go grocery shopping. Don't ask - set a date. Call that morning and tell her to be ready and give your arrival time. When you get back separate meat items into a meal portion and freeze. Look in frig before you go to determine what needs to be tossed-when you put fresh items away, bag up the old and take it with you. - Other appts are put in the calendar, too, to make it easier for both of you.
When you cook a meal at home, make double and prepare some frozen meals out of that. It's familiar food for her. You work FT, but is there other family who could drop by with a burger in mid week? What about her friends? How does she get to Bingo - perhaps on Bingo day, pay for lunch for person who takes her.
If she needs a little help with cleaning/washing - is there someone she knows that could help with these tasks and give her a little social time as well? Even if you need to pay on the side.
Trust me - you need to keep her doing what she is doing. Don't have facility conversations with someone who still has it pretty much together but just needs a few loose ends tied up. Change the conversation to things that can be done to help her stay in her home as long as possible.
My mother was the primary caregiver for my father with vascular dementia and I was able to eventually talk her into allowing someone into her home 4-5 mornings a week to help with housework. One of the weekly tasks was cleaning out the fridge; Mom and Dad both like to keep "left overs" too long but didn't seem to mind when they went missing each week.
I recommend Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers as a quick and nutritious meal for an independent senior; sodium count is low enough even someone on a reduced sodium diet can eat them daily (at least once). Most of them only need 4-5 minutes in the microwave, are very tasty, and inexpensive at $2.50 to $3.00 each. My mother couldn't pull back the plastic so she cut it off with a small paring knife.
I think a lot of seniors start not eating as well because they are too tired to prepare the food. And then it's difficult to maintain good health when you're not eating well.
I would encourage you to approach your mother with the attitude that YOU NEED to know she is safe in her own home with all the comforts she is accustomed to having. It's normal to tire faster as you age and need a little help. You need to work and cannot help her nearly as much as you would like, so would she please accept hiring someone for a few hours each week to take her shopping and help with some of the housework you cannot? My experience was once you have someone in the door and a few weeks passes where your mother becomes accustomed to the help, expanding that help later is much easier than getting that first person/service through the door.