Hi everyone just checking in has anyone had to take care of someone after 2 total hip replacements? I’ve been though a lot. I’m exhausted most days, and I still work sometimes 56 hrs a week. It’s been since 2016 I’ve been taking care of him. And he was pushed into retirement. And has OCD, so bringing in help is a no. Haven’t had a vacation since 2016. I’m 60 so something’s take me longer to do, like cutting the grass, or pressure cleaning the outside, and I do all house hold chores , and pay all the bills. Just something I’m asking, how do you find time for yourself? Funny the best time I’ve had is when he went in for his second hip replacement and I had 4 whole days to myself. That was my vacation. Any words of wisdom?
To hell with his whining and refusing this as he isn't assisting in anyway.
I'm so sick of people dictating who comes in to assist when they are doing absolutely nothing!
Be strong. Hire someone now!!
While you say you like to do “everything” as you feel no one can do the job as well as you, please consider stepping back. If hubby goes to the gym 3x/week he is no invalid but due to his chronic alcoholism has developed the “poor me” syndrome. Now he is dragging you down due the bad decisions he made his entire life.
Stop enabling him or he will never even think of changing his routine which consists of you single handedly running the household. Why should he change?
I too see your post as a cry for help. It’s ok to feel that way,Yuki. You have needs too that unfortunately aren’t being met because your husband is too selfish and wrapped in the “martyr syndrome” to recognize your needs.
I think you don’t get any positive feedback from your partner and thus try to compensate by doing more in the hope that he will appreciate you more.
Don’t do all this physical work- you will eventually suffer by wearing your body and mind out. You think you can do it all now but eventually you will crash and burn. Don’t let him win again. Again you sound like a good person with a big heart. Your husband may be taking advantage of you.
I wish you the best. Find your inner strength and fight the dragon - you can do it.
Please, I implore you to hire as much help as is financially possible.
You need to stand up before you crack under the pressure - if you can't do this then now is the time to start making back-up plans for when you go down because it can be swift & hard - time to tell hubby he has to let you get some relief - he may end up in less than great circumstances if you get sick so that will be when he has little to no choice so now is when he needs to see what the future can be
I see your posting as a cry for help in that you are close to meeting the 'wall' - this is a wall we all reach when we can't cope any longer - you've done your time in the trenches & maybe more than you should have - now you have to stand up for both your sakes - good luck
For his addiction issue, there IS help, but he has to want it. Go to ReformU.com. There you will learn all about Reformers Unanimous, a faith-based "stubborn habit" program with chapters all over the world that meet weekly at host churches.
I have had several offer to mow for me - some would even do it for nothing - but I thank them and tell them that it is 30 minutes of "me" time and exercise. I can't be away from DH more than 30 minutes and we have quite a bit of yard, so it takes me a week. Then I start again.
My housecleaning is minimized unless I have extra time and energy after doing all the mandatory things like laundry. And picking up after DH.
I did learn that if I stretch myself too thin, I will be terribly unhappy. So I learned to just ignore things I have no time for.
No matter what you've heard, "Dust Bunnies" will not kill you. But the little buggers might laugh at you :(
I was also married to an alcoholic-now recovered for more than 30 years. I recognize a lot of your feelings and anger. You are both in early stages of his not drinking. I decided I would get counseling, go to Al-Anon, begin to live my life by doing things that I enjoyed.
I also went to counseling many times over the years, each time I was ready to take a step forward in my own mental health.
Sounds like you are both dealing with depression, or anxiety. Also sounds like you are in a war with each other-I know about that too😍 Nothing will change for you unless you take steps to change yourself. You can work all you want, stay outside doing chores all you want, drink 3 beers every night. None of that will change the atmosphere of depression, anxiety, anger, resentment in your home. If you don’t gethelp now for your own mental health, when ?
I wish for you both peace, warmth, joy in living each day.
I’m glad you enjoy running your household from A-Z. If Hubby can be on his own, get out and do things outside your home that YOU enjoy. Be good to yourself. Live for the now.
I hope you find the help you both need, you are still young and have a long life ahead, I pray you find happiness in it.
Do not allow him home until he goes to rehab after revision surgery.
Why do you have 3 beers at his home every night? I would personally defer alcohol intake in front of a recovering alcoholic. You say he counts them; I sort of feel bad about that.
Do you think he is secretly drinking on the side?
Vacuuming may be too much activity for him. It’s best a professional physical therapist assess his abilities and work with him to improve.
Hope these “ideas” will give you food for thought.