Totally lost it at Mom's MC today; does this happen to others?

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Totally lost it at Mom's MC today; does this happen to others?

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I confess: I totally lost it and yelled and slammed a door at Mom's MC today, which I know you should never do in such an environment. I had just arrived to take her to lunch and shopping, after spending several stressed-out days waiting for a COVID test (negative, thankfully) because of exposure to someone who had tested positive. And the first thing she said was that she had no Christmas cards to send folks because my husband had stolen them months ago -- the same delusion she has had all year and that has caused an irreparable rift in the family. I don't know how others manage this type of insanity, but I feel like I am out of coping mechanisms. This combined with an incredibly stressful job has given me new medical problems in the last 6 months, and I feel like the ONLY alternative is to reduce visits, but I am all she has. She 100 percent depends on me to meet emotional needs that I could not meet even before she became ill, and it is worse now. Meanwhile the need to keep up with all the administrative business of her care and bills and concern about the future is ever-present, like a dark cloud that won't go away. My husband really resents how this has taken over so much of our time and emotional energy. I'm not even sure there is a question in here, because perhaps there are no answers. Maybe I'm just hoping I am not the only one to lose my temper and behave badly, but I'm also fearful that now that it's happened once, it will happen again.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Burnout Memory Care

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I have told Mom repeatedly from the get-go, as soon as we knew about her diagnosis, "It doesn't matter what you say or what you do, I will always know you love me." I also promised her that I would always know WHO she is -- not mistake the disease for the beautiful, intelligent, funny, compassionate woman I've known for 60 years. When she is angry about things that never happened, I focus on the disease that has made her so angry and frustrated and reach out to her with compassion. Mom lost her temper at me once and it was an ugly scene. She stormed off into the other room and was furious for something that never happened. I asked my sister to call Mom's phone and sis started immediately with the cheery talk and talked her down. Mom was a little on edge that night, but no more drama. I did not figure she would remember it at all, but the next morning, she woke me up and started apologizing about how awful she was. I got up and hugged her and told her that it wasn't her fault. It was the hateful disease and she owes me no apology for something she couldn't help. Then I reminded her that, no matter what she says or does, I will ALWAYS know she loves me. I will never confuse her disease with her. One thing Mom told me my entire life is that you will never regret being kinder than you're expected to be.

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amazing attitude.
i love, love what you wrote.

and i love your last sentence. what a great philosophy/way of life:

“One thing Mom told me my entire life is that you will never regret being kinder than you're expected to be.”

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If you're human and not a robot, you're forgiven for losing your temper. Not once, but each time. The thing is, if you're apt to lose your temper when visiting mom, you're better off not going. Call instead; tell her you're not feeling well or whatever, that you'll come by next week instead of today, and get some R&R in instead of exposing yourself to what is aggravating you. Dementia is a horrible condition to deal with; the accusations are hard to deal with, to say the least, and it all builds up and up and UP until there's an explosion. Whether she can 'help it' or not isn't the real issue here: the real issue is whether YOU can bear the visits. And when you feel like you can't, then don't. She's cared for at the MC, so you know that! You're all she has...........I'm all my mother has too, but I refuse to go there and visit her if I'm teetering at the end of MY rope and there's a risk I'll lose it myself!

I've been managing her life for over 10 years now. She's fallen 90 times that I know of over the past 5 years, 49x since she's in Memory Care alone. I take calls constantly from the MC, just yesterday I took THREE. To say I'm burned out is a gross understatement. So my DH and I take measures to protect ME nowadays. Because if I'm sick or in the hospital myself, then what?? The reality is I'm the only child so it ALL falls on ME. There's nobody to pick up the slack. So I'd better take care of ME o/w who's going to look after HER?

You also need to realize that you will NOT be able to meet all of her emotional needs now b/c that's impossible, especially with dementia at play. Those 'needs' constantly change as the days pass and she changes her criteria. Are you supposed to be everything to her on a daily basis? Come on! Not happening! Come to terms with the fact that you can only do SO much for her and then let the rest go; rely on the MC to meet most of her needs and then you supply the rest. Bring her some cards and ignore the nonsense about your DH stealing them. As soon as she gets ranting about such things, leave her presence. That will ensure you won't blow up and escalate the situation to where YOU are feeling badly at the end of the visit.

I feel your pain, dear one. I'm in the same boat as you are and both of us are doing our best to care for our mother's while being human at the same time. Burnout and compassion fatigue are very real, too, and should never be discounted by those who don't understand. Take care of YOU throughout the coming days b/c you matter too. Sometimes we get so caught up in the needs of the elder that we forget that fact. Best of luck

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To me your health and the health of your marriage take priority over a level of visiting that is threatening those two things.

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You are still arguing with an illness. Trust me, the illness couldn't care less. It's a losing argument.
Consider getting help to accept this thing that you cannot change. You aren't going to change your mother, but it is imperative that you attempt to change your own reactions.
The serenity prayer may help if you are a believe. It has helped me even as a NON-believer, because it's truth is so universal and profound.
And remember, you aren't super-human. A slammed door hurts no one as long as you are able to own it and apologize for disturbing or frightening others.

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It's hard not to be frustrated with someone that needs to be in MC. One thing I've read here is that people like that, their brains are broken. You can not expect them to act anywhere near normal. Or to drop something that they are harping on. Until they happen to decline into a worse level of dementia.

I would like to suggest that you change your expectations. So with the Christmas cards. So what if she accuses your husband of stealing them? Of course, he did not do so. But it is VERY common for people with dementia to accuse people close to them of stealing from them. Let it go. How did this cause an irreparable rift in your family? That's just plain old sad. And unnecessary. Hopefully it can be repaired. Unless the people in the rift are not willing to be reasonable, which is their right.

Since she is in a facility that is meeting her basic needs, I think you should consider backing off a little bit. You can't meet all her emotional needs. Cut back a bit on how much you are visiting. Either number of days and/or minutes per visit.

Put some time and energy back into your marriage.

You are definitely not the only one to lose your temper and/or behave badly. Been there. It's hard dealing with this! You are sorry and very aware that it was not your best moment, so I doubt that it will happen again.

Don't be too hard on yourself! Best of luck as you continue to work on finding a good balance.

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You're forgiven this once, but remember -- she can't help it, she can't help it, she can't help it.

Please tell yourself that over and over before losing it again around her. You are her lifeline to what's still familiar, and if you go off the rails, it's terrifying to her. She can't help what she says and does, but you can.

I remember consciously telling myself that my mom was MY mom, because she wasn't my mom anymore. I never lost my temper with her because she never did anything to warrant that, but for me, keeping in mind that this stranger was my mother and to treat her as I'd treat my mother took real effort. I knew that she didn't know me as her daughter anymore, but the way I talked to her told her I was a friendly, familiar person.

You aren't going to get what you want from her any longer, but try to find it in yourself to be at least something of what she remembers in you.

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Good advice as long as OP understands that she can set limits/walk away when mom's behavior becomes abusive.

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You are not the first nor will you be the last to lose your temper. I cared for my husband who had Parkinsons and dementia (diagnosed in 2015) at home until July of this year when he was hospitalized for sepsis, then I had to move him to MC because I couldn't care for him at home any longer. Old wounds would come up from our marriage when he'd say something ridiculous to me, or just yell at me or be unreasonable (that's an oxymoron for someone with dementia) and I'd lose my mind with anger. My daughter (she lived with us for a year during 2020 Covid) would get mad at me and say "Mom, he's sick." These reactions are so normal under a stressful situation. Please don't beat yourself up for it You're human and being a caregiver is very stressful. I'd suggest you join a support group or talk to a therapist. I know it helped me.

BTW - my husband passed away October 24 after 4 months in memory care, and I now look back with regret and wished I could have handled certain situations differently. However, I cared for him, visited him every day in MC and loved him until the end.

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Dear Rainbo, your post says it all-you cared for your hubby at home until 2021 then visited him every day in MC. Really doesn't look like anything else you could have done-you did so much! I'm in the guilt-grief cycle because our mom died in MC earlier this month (chose not to eat since Oct). and I'm wracking my brain thinking about what I could have done differently to produce a different outcome-and I'm coming to the conclusion that the answer is nothing. This is all so hard, give yourself credit for all you did for your spouse in a loving way.

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Your 'outburst' is a symptom of your stress and burnout. Yes, you don't want to give in to the frustration but this episode is a signal that you have met your limit and that is nothing to be ashamed of; you are human. You need outside support for YOU; your husband is your mate but not your counselor; he wants to still have a homelife with you, even tho eldercare comes to most of us eventually. You may be 'all' your mother has, but she is in a facility that should be designed to take some of that off of you; your mother must come to understand that this is a New Chapter in her life, in everyone's life, and things are simply Different now; please find ways to help her see a 'silver lining'...you cannot replicate how her life was before, everyone must adapt to the new normal and that means you do what you can and what you can't is just how it's got to be. Have the priorities in order; as the book title said, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff; It's All Small Stuff." Focus on the Big stuff, because usually the small stuff takes care of itself. Take care of yourself or you will burn out, become ill, and then your mom truly would be on her own.

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My mom lived with us for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's, with the accompanying auditory and visual hallucinations, paranoia, etc. She'd accuse my husband and me of going throguh her purse, which had $5 in it, (which I put there) and a lipstick. I told her that we didn't need her money and I had my own lipstick, but some days, she couldn't be reasoned with. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I relaizrd tha my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) I tried to find a sense of humor about things, for my own sanity, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for a job (accounting) in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the street of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I had to remind myself that it was the disease talking, when she'd be inuslting to my husband or me, or accusatory. We all have to vent. I could write a book...

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Squid,

I have been where you are now. Know that you cannot possibly meet all your mother's emotional needs. Know that you cannot possibly make "everything right" for her. Know that you are only human and may lose your temper.

Christmas cards are cheap. Buy your mom new ones. Your health is not. Is there anyone in your family who'd be willing to assume the administrative aspect of your mom's healthcare, permanently or temporarily? This Covid issue has placed everyone under an additional layer of stress and anxiety, not to mention the Christmas season, etc. This is all very hard. Reduce your visits, at least for awhile before the stress kills you. I had to cut back for the sake of sanity and discovered my mom didn't know the difference between weekly and monthly visits (or whatever duration you determine is sufficient to ensure her care is being managed appropriately, which is why she's in memory care). Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and the answers you will find within. (((Hugs)))

Totally lost it at Mom's MC today; does this happen to others?

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