My parents were divorced 50 years ago, and have lived 2000 miles away from each other ever since. I live halfway between them. Dad is 90, very happily remarried for over 20 years to a wonderful woman who is like a sister to me. Mom is 89, alone, demented, angry, bitter, and has been like this for decades. For the last two years, I have been coping with her failing health, all business/bill paying, home help arrangements, POA responsibilities, etc. Dad has now had a cascade of serious medical issues (surgery, severe cardiac complications), and this week we had the hospice conversation. I drove to his home for a week, to help out and - in all likelihood - what might be a final visit. My sister mentioned this to my mother, who flipped out. She raged that it would have been nice for anyone to have come to HER when SHE was having issues. In fact, I drove out to her twice, and my brother flew in twice to move, re-settle, and assist her (all of which she resisted and fought and b*****d about and still does).
I am facing the loss of my dear father, and my toxic angry mother is pouring gasoline on it. I am so angry with her I want to just walk away. I have not spoken to her since I visited Dad, and I am afraid I will just lose it with her if she says the wrong thing to me right now - and the last two years have shown all of us that she will because she always does. I am grateful for the steadfast sympathy of my sibs. But so help me, this is the proverbial straw with my mother, and my back is ready to break. Dad is well-loved, well-supported, well cared for. Mom needs help, fights everything about it, and makes everyone around her miserable. How do I manage this whirlwind?! I am furious that he is dying and she isn’t. I feel ashamed of feeling that. I want to get in bed, pull up the covers, drink wine and read books and not talk to anyone but my husband and my cats for the next 6 months. This really sucks.
I would simply add to keep that distance from her, and pull back from road warrior care-giving. Time for Mom to enter care she needs, and time to separate off from her and enjoy a good quality life.
I was 'divorced' from my toxic MIL for 4 years now. I finally have a measure of peace with her. Last week her kids finally moved her to an ALF. She's lost her mind, completely and all filters are GONE. She now is treating her KIDS the way she treated me for the last 48 years.
They Finally get it. I'm not happy about it, I don't hate her or want her to suffer, but I am glad, in a way that her kid now understand my decision to not have her in my life.
Take care of tour dad. Spend time with people who love you. We can't control anything, really, except our reactions to how we are treated.
Mom is toxic. Give yourself 6+ months away from her. Let your siblings do the work and God Bless them!
Best of luck to you.
It’s truly sad when people hang onto bitter feelings long after they divorce and even sadder when they dump their emotions onto their children.
Parents divorce each other. They don’t divorce their children. I am glad that you have a relationship with your father.
It’s unfortunate that some mothers don’t allow their children to have a relationship with their dad. Unless there is a good reason why (such as abuse) it isn’t fair to the child or the dad.
You shouldn’t feel badly about taking a breather from your mom when you need to. It’s healthy to take time off for yourself.
Wishing you peace as you continue on with this challenging family situation.
She has you trained, but you can break away at any time. It’s up to you.