We put our house up for sale and are moving 84 miles away from my 70 year old father. He is making me feel so guilty. Am I wrong?

You are neither.

Your 70-year-old father is mentally and physically competent. You moving to rightfully be with your husband is changing his world. HE needs to shift his focus to taking care of himself and finding proper companionship. You can point in him the direction of a Senior Center and help him figure out his passions for mental/physical diversions.

Enjoy your new life and I hope for both of you that your father embraces his.

Of course you are NOT selfish. Your dad has romanticized his sunset years or not really thought about it/prepared for it at all. I'm an only also, so I understand the guilt/pressure. This just makes you human with a heart and conscience.

The wise thing to do is have a gentle conversation with him that you would love to be close to him and be able to help him but he will need to move near you to make it work. The caregiving arrangement only works when it works for both parties. He will eventually need to downsize and come to grips with his increasing dependence on outside help. If he doesn't get on board with this plan, please move forward with yours. He may follow later but make it clear that until he does, he will need to arrange for all help to come from outside services at his current home. He will soon learn he is not really "independent" and you should not help prop up this appearance.

Give him some time to adjust to this new reality since he's not really thought about before this point. He's "assuming" you into a position you have not agreed to. This is wrong and selfish and unrealistic. But, assuming he doesn't have cognitive decline or dementia right now, all you can do is inform him and he will make a decision. What you don't want is for him to make the decision to move a month after you've made your move and are all settled and then have to long-distance manage his house sale, etc. Whatever you do, DO NOT move him in with you in your new place, even temporarily.

You may want to move the process along by visiting IL communities in your new location and take your own pictures so he can see these places can be very nice. He will be with his peers, have activities and still be independent. He is of a generation that has a terrible concept and fear of NHs. You need to disspell this misconception in any way you can. I wish you success in having a loving conversation with him and peace in your heart no matter the outcome!

You are right. Read the book "Boundaries". Form some and stick to them. Your father is 70. He has at least two more decades of life. You are responsible to your immediate family, your husband. Let your father know that you will try to see him weekly or bi-weekly if you are able, but that you will not be living near him now. Not everything can be fixed. You cannot be two places at once. Can you feel a bit "bad" about that? Sure. But it is time for Dad now to make his own connections. I am 78. I do my own laundry, as well, and garden and have hobbies and get out for long walks daily. Your Dad needs to make himself a life and connections now. As you said, you are not his wife. You father will fight to have his own way with what tools he has. It is on your to stand gently and lovingly FIRM.

No you are not selfish you have your own life to lead and think you have done more than your other family members have to help him you have a right to be with with your husband and your father shouldn’t expect you to stay from your husband just so you can be near him reassure your father you will stay in contact with him by phoning every week and when possible will pay him a visit but go and be with your husband it’s not fair on him

70 is not old. I have classmates that still work. My husband is 73. He golfs, washes his own clothes, runs the vacuum, mows and works around the yard. He can get himself something to eat.

I remember when we thought we would have to transfer South. About 2 day drive. My Dad actually looked mad. Like u, the only child nearby and the oldest and a girl. You will only be a couple hours away. He is going to need to learn to rely on the other kids. This was a problem I had, Mom never expected anything out of her other kids.

My husband is 70 and still working. 70 is not old and it sounds like he really is doing everything himself. Your father did not want to step out of his comfort zone and figure anything out on his own. You have nothing to feel guilty about except maybe for allowing him to stay in his fantasy world and not make him go out and forge a life for himself. You need to establish your own life now because his neediness is only going to get worse. He is being self-centered and selfish. So you need to just move forward and please don't make promises to him about coming to see him more often than you want to out of guilt and wanting to make him feel better.

No you are neither.

You are not your dads wife, he needs to figure that out now and make some decisions about his future. Encourage him to find friends and get active with others. My dad tried to be the man in my life above my husband and was angry when I put a stop to it. I had to tell him like 50xs that my husband is my 1st priority, period.

Enjoy your new location and all the extra time you will have with your honey. Commuting 170 miles daily for work takes a lot of time away from life, he won't know what to do with himself 😀.

Dad will probably pout and try to lay the guilt trip but you do not have to accept it. He is after all a big boy.

Obviously he knows what awaits him a few years in the future. He knows that he will have medical or cognitive problems in the future, like anyone else, and he will need you to arrange for his care. Five years ago, I saw clear signs that my mother (then 77) was slipping cognitively and was unsafe living alone, even though she was still driving, shopping, cooking, and going to church. I now wish I had moved in with her temporarily 5 years ago and steamrollered her into selling her house and moving into assisted living or senior housing, preferably in my city. If I had done that 5 years ago, it would've saved me a lot of trouble and money now.

Your dad is retired. He does not get to dictate to you and your husband how you take care of him or how you take care of your lives and your marriage. If he wants to be closer to you, then he should sell his house and move into a senior living community near your new house. I would research senior living communities in your new community and then address the idea with your dad directly.

Be candid that your husband has been commuting for years, you both are getting older, and you and your husband have decided to make a change for the better. And that your dad is still young enough to get a lot of benefits from moving into a senior community and being around people his own age.

Now that you're moving 84 miles away, it's also appropriate for you to bring up the fact that you will not be able to drop everything and drive to his house for every little thing "we" want or need. The time to manage your dad's expectations of you is now i.e. before you move.

And guilt for when you've done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong. Your guilt is irrational. Turn things around, change your perspective, and recognize that your father still has choices in how he wants to live his life. And there are consequences to those choices. If he wants to move to senior living, great. If he doesn't, that's his choice.

Dear What2do0,
As an only child in which my parents were 40 years older than me when I was born, sometimes one or the other parent has an "emotional" dependence on their one and only. That never changes no matter how old they get or how old you get. As you stated, he seems perfectly capable of doing most, if not all the things for himself so that doesn't seem to be the issue although, it will be somewhere down the line. Also, changes become more and more difficult as one ages and as someone else here stated - it is out of their comfort zone.

As Geaton777 stated it would be a shame if as soon as you get settled into your new home and routine your dad would decide to move too. Then you would have to deal with the sale of his home from afar but, it's better than if you were to have moved out of state so it is still doable just a little more time consuming because of the distance.

Maybe he simply thinks if you move, I don't know - what? maybe up to a couple hours away - he will see you less and less and eventually forget about him altogether as in the phrase "out of sight, out of mind". If that's the case, find ways to make plans of how visiting will work (be sure to follow through though) and actually set a specific date for your first visit along with something to do - I know that part is harder due to the pandemic. If you do that, be sure to be enthusiastic as that will help him feel that it's a positive thing. We all, especially older adults on their own NEED something to look forward to. When there isn't that component, especially for the elderly things can decline quickly as they tend to just do nothing and wither away. Also, I don't know how long it's been since his past wife was with him but, he may just see this as yet another "loss" and that's why he replaced her with you no matter how wrong that is. It was his way to deal with (or not deal with) that loss.

Can you do Facetime with him during the times you can't see him, we have done that with my 95 year old mother even though she has Alzheimer's. I have to call her on her regular landline and walk her through the steps on her iPad my husband bought when the facilities went on lockdown back in March and when she was hospitalized for the COVID-19 virus. This is helpful for both parties so you can see each other.

I certainly understand feeling guilty, wrong and selfish. We are conditioned to say, so and so (fill in the blank) "makes" me feel guilty, selfish etc., when in reality, we "choose" to feel that way - it is a choice - as no one can "make" anybody "feel" or "do" anything. It is very difficult to break that conditioning and the other person always knows that it works and that' s why they continue to do it - call it a form of manipulation.

Your husband has been so selfless and patient as he commuted for three years and not forcing you back then to put up the "for sale" sign. But, you must realize that it affects him too. Not only were you putting your life on hold, but his life and then the both of your lives as husband and wife. I wish all of you the best and enjoy your new venture as you move into your new home! Let us know how things go too.

What?? He's only 70? My husband is 70 and why would you need to stay there to be with him? Call and or write him often...do FaceTime or Skype visits. Sounds like he's getting too dependent and it won’t get better as he gets older. You need to live your life...just like he did when he was your age. Tell him to get a dog if he's lonely.

Yes, I like the idea of your father moving closer to you. Then again, that doesn't bode well for the demands on you as he further ages (as NYDaughterInLaw wrote).

Time for him to move closer to one of your siblings. They should get a turn.

It's hard, it seems you feel guilty and compassion and your Dad seems to feel lonely and sad.

Before you move perhaps, you can plant some seeds and help your Dad meet other people so he won't feel so lonely and afraid. Most YMCA's and Senior Centers not only offer physical fitness, they have various classes, activities and opportunities to make friends. And many church groups have senior groups. Does he have any friends? Also, volunteer work is a way to help others and meet people. Let your Dad know that while you also have an obligation to your husband and your marriage you also love your Dad. And moving away does not mean forgetting about him. You will stay in touch with him and help him.

Your father is 70 and active. He's an adult who is capable of making his own decisions and making his own life. You aren't responsible for his happiness, he is. You seem to have a co-dependent relationship with your father that is not healthy. I'd suggest some counseling to help you deal with your relationship with your father.

As I read this I realize I sound really harsh and I don't mean to but I'm 71 and if I did what your dad is doing to one of my children I would hate myself. Unless he has some significant physical or mental deficits he needs to start establishing a life independent from you. You can help with this by pointing him in the right direction but DON'T do it for him as he needs to learn to do things on his own. You also need to make the move and re-establish your life with your husband.

Your first allegiance needs to be to your spouse. You need to create an environment that builds strength into this relationship first and foremost. After you have established your marital relationship, then you can work towards helping family and friends.

My mother currently lives about an hour's drive away from me - her choice. She can drive, do her shopping, clean her condo, and maintain her health and relationships without my help. I talk with her a couple times a week and visit her once a week. My sister lives out of state and calls my mom most days of the week. We came to this arrangement after my mom sold her home and had to move within 30 days of the sale. We worked together with mom to help her find her current home in a villa/condo. So far, this is working for us. I expect changes in the next couple of years as she now has some vision challenges.

If your father wants to be closer to you, he can sell his home and find a place closer to your home.

Nope. You need to honor the vows you made when you married your husband. Your dad brought you into the world, but as long as he's cared for and healthy, he's fine. If he wants to move to be closer to you, he could. (If that would be okay with you and your husband.) You did not make any vows to your father. Your husband has been a saint and deserves your time. Your father *could* be around another 25 or more years. Do you want to let him decide how you live the bulk of the remainder of your life, rather than have that be the choice of you and your husband?

Safe travels....
Sounds like your dad can take care of himself just fine.
If he is really upset that you are moving tell him when you get settled you can look for a little house for him and you will help him pack and move.

And...just to ease into it start limiting the contact you have with him. If you normally call him every day, cut back and just tell him you are "cleaning and decluttering" getting ready for the move. If he calls you let it go to voicemail.

yes

Selflessness. He’s not gonna be around forever I hope you don’t have any regrets when he’s gone

Imho, your marriage is your priority.

At 70 one would think he would still want to be an active, productive member of the general society.

Would it be possible for your dad to move closer to where you will be moving? Or possibly like a multigenerational living situation? He should have to understand you have a family and be flexible if he wants to be close to you.

I presume you have told your Father? Even if disappointed or even angry, he may get used to the idea as it sinks in further.

I think you are understanding of his dissapointment & can tell him that. But also kindly explain you do have your life to lead with your husband. It's not that far afterall.

It may even be a chance to have a good heart to heart about the future. Maybe even ask him why he would prefer you to stay closer? Is he worried about his future? Is he lonely? It may in fact be good for him to reassess his life & go seek what he is lacking. It does sound like he is relying on you for all his social & emotional needs at the moment. Becoming more dependant. It's hard to tell someone kindly that you don't want to be that close to them!

With my relative I felt like my own life circle was being absorbed & would be snuffed out. That I would exist only to be along side her, living her life. Doing her stuff, make her life work, be engaged in her hobbies. It was time to reinstate boundaries & regain my own life. I don't mind saying that therapy really helped.

My relative has now built a circle of support for herself & I have my own life too. We can share time without the crushing dependance.

Good luck with the move! It will be an exciting adventure.

EXCUSE me, he is 3 yrs younger than me and I dont need a daughter to be my companion. You married your husband. thats where you belong.
Sounds like your father is happy to ruin your life for his selfish and lazy ways.
get out NOW and sell the house,
I bet if he met some other woman that would have him,he would drop you like a hot brick.

We had already moved a little over an hour away when Dad died in his sleep.  I know that I would never get Mom to move closer and we did the best we could for her for over a decade.  When she got sick her sister & I took turns with her, My Aunt noon on Monday to noon on Friday and I either came Friday night or early Sat. and left Sunday night.  I took care of all her mail, shopping and set up her medication for the week while I was there.  Mind you she was born in the house across the street, grew up next door and after they got married lived down the street and four years later after I was born built the house I grew up in and she lived there 50 years.  Dad always joked the only way to get her to move off the street would be to bring the coffin of dirt with them.  Now on the other hand had Dad been the one left, he would have sold the house and found a senior apartment near us.  We have already told our son once he is out on his own go wherever his career takes him.  Once we retire if/when he gives us grandbabies we will move to where he is, but not too close as to be too much of a burden.  I also told him don't be a hero and try and keep me home when it's not the right choice for either of us.

You have the right to move and to spend more time with your hubby.

Your dad, will of course, miss you and try to make you feel guilty. Technically, you have the right to do as you wish. If you WANT to, you could appease him by planning to come back to visit him every XX weeks for a weekend or whatever makes sense to you. You're not moving that far away. It could even be a nice day trip.

Good luck!