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Mom really hasn't eaten in 3 weeks now; just a teaspoon of jello or part of a popsicle. She's still drinking fluids. She's been home for 9 weeks now and is definitely weakening and sleeping a lot more. She had broken her hip and fractured pelvis in 2 spots and refused physical therapy due to pain. If she has any dementia, it is very mild. She keeps insisting on us helping her try to walk. A few weeks ago, my husband and I sat her on edge of bed and put a walker in front of her and got her on her feet. She couldn't support herself at all. Today she asked to try again! I told her she can't and she keeps wanting to try. I said no. She said that she can't be a cripple the rest of her life and she needs to eat to get better. The nurse told me she's not going to improve, which I pretty much knew. So it seems that she's forgotten she's going to die and that's she's just sick and will get better. Any advice on what to say to her? Thank you all so much.

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When she starts asking, give her a kiss and depart. Therapeutic fibbing may help her ease her way toward acceptance and departing from this world onto her next journey whatever that may be.
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Does she remember that she couldn't do it the day before?Why not suggest that when she is stronger she can try again, but right now rest is better for her. I know this is hard.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
golden23--I think that's a wonderful answer! I figure that if she is that optimistic about living, there's no reason to depress her by convincing her she's dying. If she doesn't already realize that herself, it doesn't really matter--maybe she'll go with a smile on her face!
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She maybe rallying. Its like a spirt of energy.
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I think we all know that we will die. Accepting it is another story. The will to live can be fierce. Sometimes it takes awhile before accepting death.

Sometimes, just before the end there is a burst of emotions and it’s sort of the last hurrah! Look up rallying before death. My brother did this before his death.
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perhaps contact the hospital social worker, or her current doctor and see if they will right an RX for a visiting nurse service to come into the home and access her and have PT come in weekly, I believe here in NY beginning is 3 X a week, they will show her ways to build up strength while in bed or in a reclining lift chair, these chairs are worth the money, easier to get in & out of. I would have a talk with mom and explain with clear boundaries her options are 1- visiting nurse & PT to the plan of care they advise or 2- she will have to go into an assisted living or nursing home, make appointments and bring her to both types of facilities, this more than likely will flip a switch to agree to home PT and visiting nurse until they feel she is strong enough once again. I’d also look into hiring a Senior companion to help you out and will also give you a healthy break for you’re own mental health & self care. It’s not easy, but defining boundaries, being stern not letting her over step them nor yourself over stepping them is needed and at times hard to do! Wishing you & mom the best
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I'm so sorry about your Mom. I hope she passes peacefully.
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If she wants to try to stand, and you and your husband can support her safely, let her try. When she fails, you say "never mind, we can try again tomorrow" and help her safely back into bed.

If there is something she would like to eat, you offer it to her. She probably won't manage more than a taste of it. That's okay.

In short - whatever offers your mother peace of mind and comfort in the moment is *fine.*

If she has always been a religious person - has she? - and you have any concerns about her being prepared for death in a ritual way, consult her minister.
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MJ1929 Apr 2020
^^´This is by far the best answer.

She won't be trying to stand much longer, so just go with it for this short time.

Be positive, be kind, and just love on her while she's still with you.
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If it was my mom, i would encourage her to eat as much as possible, when she gets that energy to do more i would help her walk a little at a time. You also have to be clear w her what's going on and explain to her that death is natural, and everyone will go thru it and that its a better happier place for her after this. On the other hand if she does have dementia, sometimes its best to go w the flow and step into their world. You may come to find that doing that will keep her happy until her final days.
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I like golden23's answer.
Tell her you'll help her try her walker when she is stronger. It really could be rallying and it may even be for your sake.
But I wouldn't lie to her either. I think I would like to be spoken to honestly at the end of my life, I would discuss her dying depending on her spiritual beliefs, give her as much comfort as you can. If you don't think she can or wants to hear that, then comfort her and tell her she must rest now and the future will sort itself out.
Take care of yourself in this difficult time.
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How hard that must be for you. I think I would encourage her to rest. Say the advice is that she is not strong enough to try standing. I wouldn't discuss dying with her and just take one day at a time.
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My goodness your Mom has a fighting spirit! Can I ask why she is dying? Is it just because she’s not eating and getting weaker? Why did she break her hip and pelvis? If she just had a fall and there is nothing else wrong with her there is no real reason why she can’t get better then. But she will need to build up her strength first or she will fall again. Nutrition supplement drinks might help to get nutrition in her if she doesn’t have an appetite. And if she does want food, like scrambled eggs, you can use these high energy supplements as milk substitutes etc. Milkshakes are also good. High calorie desserts like crepe brûlée. And she can exercise in bed to build her strength up before trying to stand. She’ll also need to be sitting up or when she stands suddenly she’s liable to drop her blood pressure and feel faint. Her body needs to get used to being more upright. After this long her bones will be healing and pain is less so she’s feeling more like doing something. If she is genuinely dying and this is the reason for her fractures maybe you could find a way to get her to sit in a bedside chair for a bit as a change of scene and position.
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MsBelmont3 Apr 2020
She lives with us and was pretty much independent. My husband and I left for a weekend trip and the first night we were gone, she fell getting up to use the bathroom. She laid there for about 12 hours until my sister's husband checked on her. She was barely 100 lbs when she fell and I'd be surprised if she even weighs 80 lbs now. She chose hospice and said she was ready to die. That was the end of Jan. She's always been a picky eater and would only eat about 1/4 cup of food a day when healthy so she didn't have any fat reserves to start with. She now is literally skin and bones and the nurse said there's no coming back from her current condition. She also has kidney and liver problems, so I believe that's contributing to her downfall as well. She always refused those protein drinks like Boost and Ensure. She's basically just hanging on, moaning in misery, and thinking she can get up and will get better. I try to keep her comfortable, but it's impossible when all you do is lie on your back. She can barely even turn on her side and hold onto the side handrail. I prop her on her side with pillows and she somehow manages to be on her back again within 10 minutes. It's amazing how the body fights so hard to stay alive. No food now for 4 weeks!
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Killing hope is sad and cruel. Help her see she must do her part of the work, She needs to eat, to regain strength, to practice standing, and do other exercises that lead to success for someone in her condition. Let her become a partner in the effort. If her previous PT person gave her sheets of illustrated instructions, dig them out or call and request copies. Then you can help and guide her through the appropriate exercises.Be firm about her safety; she must not fall again, And she must not work toward her goal alone -- there must be someone with her. Mary Ellen (above) has good ideas about getting assistance. Just tell her as often as you can how proud of her you are, that you see she is serious about improving her situation, and you have gotten the best available advice and are on her team. She just may surprise you.

Gen
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When she broke her hip and pelvis was surgery for the hip done? My mother in law broke her hip at 96. Had the surgery, did inpatient rehab and did great. I can not imagine even trying to stand if surgery was not done on the hip. I feel for you. If she wants to try standing. Let her try and then if she can’t say we will try later in the day. Wishing and praying for strength for you during this time.
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I really feel for you. I went through the same thing a year ago. I did in home hospice for my mom who wanted to pass as she was tired and had cancer. My day was also sick but after my mom passed at home he decided he was going to get better. He had Mesothelioma. He even got his drivers lic renewed. He had to take a driving test as neighbors and family all complained to the DMV and they still, even with a doctors note, let him get it! Eventually he became so weak he had no choice but to allow us to make decisions. Time of our death is out of our hands and sometimes it can take a very long time with a lot of ups and downs and rallies. I tried to explain things to my dad but who wants to hear they have no hope. Just show your mom all the love you can. If it makes her feel better to try, let her try. I would give anything to just be able to talk to my parents again for just a second. Once they are gone that is it. I know it can be a lot of work and can get very emotional but death is a part of life. Hospice can come to the home to help you. They are very special people. Let them advise you when the time is right to maybe move her to a hospice. My dad was only at the hospice a few days before he passed. He was so out of it by the time we moved him he thought he was still in Maine where he lived. I just told him YES you are in Maine just like you wanted. He smiled and closed his eyes and that was pretty much it. I would let her have her hope and be patient with her. Show her all the love you can and remember it will be your turn one day too.
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If I were you I would let her try to stand up if that's what she wants. It isnt hurting anyone for her to try.

Only Gid truly knows if your mom is going to get better or not.

If she wants to eat more feed her more.

If you already know her wishes once she dies, then there is no need to discuss her dying.

The mind has a lot to do with a person getting better or not.

Whst purpose would it make to tell a person they are never going to get better and they are going to die? We're all going to die at some point.

Let your mom live out her remaining time on this earth doing exactly whatever she wants, as long as she isn't hurting anyone.

She just might surprise you. 😇

I wouldn't
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bunnymom Apr 2020
Her mother is in HOSPICE. She isn't going to magically get better. Your reply is very dismissive, insensitive and ludicrous.
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Agree with her.
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What’s her diagnosis for hospice?
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I wouldn't take about dying at this point. Sounds like your Mom has hope. Encourage her to do some seated exercises. If she does eat more, she might get stronger. I have recently recovered from a serious surgery. I enjoyed drinking chicken broth, eating jello and saltines , pudding and grilled cheese.
Best wishes
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Say “I love you so dearly, and I will be with you whenever you need me to be here”.

Then converse about whatever she’d like.
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You do not need to remind her that she's going to die. If she will try some in-bed exercises, you can encourage her to do those as "pre-walking" exercises. Let her eat or not eat as she wishes. Treat each day as it comes. When she talks about doing things "when she gets stronger," agree that that would be nice. Don't worry about whether it is likely or not.

These are days to live in the moment, one day at a time.
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My heart goes out to you and your Mom at this difficult time. Is there a social worker with the hospice provider you can talk to? I would think they’ve encountered this situation before.
If this were my Mom, and all situations are different, I’d let her attempt whatever she wanted, of course protecting her from injury. At some point she’ll recognize her own frailty. These situations are never easy, we can only try make them “easier”.
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If she says she needs to eat, then feed her. If she asks to get up, bring her back around to you need to eat to get better. There are a lot of people who get better while on hospice care. Maybe her mind is clearer now and she would like to try to live. I'm not sure I understand why 'she is not going to improve' - maybe other issues??? Whatever the reason, I certainly would NOT tell her - did you forget that you are supposed to die??? There has to be something I've missed in this question.
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Why burst her bubble? I would play along that she should eat to get her strength up so she could hopefully be able to get up with PT, whether that’s a reasonable belief or not. I didn’t notice how long she’s been in bed but I think they say 1day of PT for every three days of bedrest ( or vice versa , I can’t think now lol) so maybe tell her that and do some gentle Bed stretches with her?
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Very tough situation. Perhaps you can tell her she must completely heal those bones before getting up in her weakened condition risking more broken bones. Tell her to make the most of each day- I mean honestly, isn’t that all any of us can do? Remind her you love her, you’re proud of her courage and will be with her each step of the way. If her financial affairs and personal wishes aren’t in order that will need to happen ASAP, but otherwise, tell her it’s important she stays comfortable to heal. You have a team to help her be comfortable and make the most of each day. Why mention dying again?
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Your Mom has positive spunk and a will to survive... please do not throw cold water on it. My husband was in hospice last year... and turned around and is not longer on hospice, and is alive, doing better and at home with me while we journey through this dismal world crisis of Covid 19 and economic collapse. Your Mom's attitude is a diamond to treasure. Do your best to be your best for her, the family and yourself.
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Don't focus on the future. Focus only on the present. If she wants to try to get up, let her. If she wants to eat something with more calories or nutrients, let her. If she talks about doing better, focus on whatever is achievable in the moment. She is living in the midst of decline. Celebrate the time she is with you: play the favorite songs, watch the favorite movies, eat the favorite foods, and allow her to tell stories of her favorite memories.

Since she is declining, you and your family and friends must decide on end of life matters, the after she is gone time. She is focused on living.
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When my father was "dying" he was so down. As a personal trainer and nutritionist, he always valued my opinions. I bought some one pound weights and right until he could no longer move, he "exercised". And you know what? The sense of control and positive outlook it provided him was immeasurable. Of course I knew it wasn't physiologically helping. But for him, to "go down fighting" let him do it his way. Reverse the roles for a minute and think about how you might feel. I'd want to do whatever I could to hang on. If I expressed that to my child and they prevented me from even trying, I can't imagine how depressed that would make me.
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Really it is best not to say anything but little encouraging kindnesses which will help her feel better and you as well. If need be you can get her a hospital bed with bollards -- triangular-shaped pillows lining the outside perimeter of the small hospital bed which for my mother was shaped like a mummy-sleeping bag. The patient sleeps on her back and cannot roll out--
Now what I found is that because of beds like these-- it is harder to give sponge-baths and easier for the patient to develop a UTI which eventually is what kills the patient as it did with my mother. First she was taken off food, then water because she would aspirate-- breathe it down into her lungs and develop pneumonia. It took 3 days and she was gone after a brief last morning of agitation due to a very confused brain that could not understand one bit what was going on. This is a painful time for all involved. My prayers go with you and your mother.
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Hospice means palliative care. Some people rally during hospice. If she wants to rally and try to get up, let her. Be positive and just love on her.
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My husband (91) is under the care of hospice, which was his choice rather than standard medical care for congestive heart failure following a mild stroke. He has severe aortic stenosis which would require 2 risky surgical procedures in the hopes of repairing the heart, as well as a pleural effusion of one lung (lung fills with fluid making it impossible to function properly). His state of mind has been all over the map, from acting totally normal to the depths of despair. Recurring UTIs have caused dementia-like symptoms of agitation, anger, combativeness, etc. But the biggest issue we face is his severe depression which waxes and wanes depending on the time of day.

His depression affects his willingness to take the meds prescribed to alleviate the mood swings and agitation. I find it hard to be encouraging when he won't do anything to help himself--he's given up and has moments when he wants to die. I've tried to remain positive, knowing the outcome is not in my control, but it doesn't make the journey any easier. I agree with the others who have posted to keep your Mom's spirits up and let her feel like she's in control as much as possible. At least she's willing to try, which is half the battle.
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