My mother needs assistance but is refusing in-home care and moving to assisted living. I live 3,000 miles away, and she expects me to move me and my children to her to take care of her. She has the financial means to get in-home care but doesn't trust anyone in her home.
Every time I talk to her I get a guilt trip and I question her state of care. I do have a sibling that lives 15 mins away that sees her 2x/week for about 2 hours a visit. My sibling doesn't do any care for her around the house. Their visits revolve around their family events or a lunch out.
I try and take 3-4 trips a year to visit her as she is not able to fly.
I feel like I have abandoned my mother however I have a family to also take care of and she refuses to come live with me.
My question is what do I do??? I feel so hopeless and I have a lump in my chest when I call her daily.
It sounds like you have not 'abandoned' your mother at all, but fly to see her 3-4 times a year, and her other daughter sees her 2x a week, so she's in a much better space than most other parents, honestly. If some crisis happens, THEN you can worry about insisting she hire in home help or moving into Assisted Living. That's what happens in a lot of cases; the stubborn elder has to fall & break a hip or a femur before the hospital or rehab SNF refuses to allow them to move back home to live independently. That's when the power of choice is taken away from them and they are forced to move to AL or hire in home help. Then you're no longer The Bad Guy, and they can blame the hospital or the doctor.
Try not to feel like you have to 'do' anything here or that you 'have to' call mom every day and get that dreaded lump in your chest by doing so. Set down some boundaries here instead, like choosing to call mom every other day, and give yourself a a break by taking a few days a week off from the drama. That's my suggestion, from a daughter who used to get that same 'lump in her chest' all the time.
GOOD LUCK!
You do not move to her or her to you. Living together does not always work. You should not move your children away from friends or Mom away from what she knows. Many on the forum will tell you it won't work. You will end up resenting her and have unhappy children because...u live 3000 away for a reason.
Start setting those boundries now. If she starts about u coming there to CG, tell her you will no longer discuss it. You are not leaving a job and moving to be her Caregiver. She has the money hire people. If she can't keep up with the cleaning, have someone come in once a month. How dirty can one person be. She can maintain. If she needs more than that then hire a Home Health Aide. Besides cleaning and laundry, they can cook her meals. Assist her in showering. If the house upkeep is too much, then she needs to sell and use the profits for an AL. Tell her she has options and you are not one of them. If she keeps bringing it up, you tell her you won't talk about it anymore. Don't call her every day.
We tried to hire home care, and the day the lady was supposed to come, my mother calls and says she won't let her in because she didn't want anyone in. I have wasted my time on multiple occasions trying to get her help which she ends up refusing. It is just so frustrating to hear her complain about her situation but refuses to make things better.
She has chosen not to cooperate.
SHE'S the one who needs care and thus needs to be the one willing to be flexible.
You have no reason to feel guilty.
The lump in your chest is "waiting for the crisis". Talk to ANYONE who has had an elder in their life and they will understand what you mean.
I would have worked on having them hire people to do the things they couldn't/wouldn't and would have steered them to senior housing since most of the chores they couldn't/wouldn't do.
Where's that crystal ball when we need it? I didn't realize I was making huge mistakes by enabling/disabling them with my being waaaay too helpful. Ugh. So many regrets but I'm not wallowing in them. Moving on....
This has nothing (at all!) to do with where your sister lives or what she does. Neither you nor your were birthed by her to become her caregivers.
Your mother has options, and as long as she is cognitively intact and capable of making her own decisions, she has absolutely no right to make demands on you OR ANYONE ELSE.
If you are uncomfortable talking to her don’t call her or answer the phone when she calls you. REMEMBER, the guilt you feel is your responsibility, NOT your mother’s.
Don’t hesitate to discuss you situation with a good therapist. MANY of us deal with guilt. You are not alone.
She does have mild cognitive impairment and doesn't drive. She relies on us to order her groceries and other necessities. She sometimes neglects eating and medicine management.
When my mom had MCI (now dementia), she would also complain of being bored. But due to her memory issues and cognitive issues, she just could NOT make plans. I made numerous suggestions and they were ignored. But she just couldn't do it. In hindsight, I should have just made it happen since she was living with me and it was hurting our relationship to have her just depend upon me. Not healthy for either of us.
Tell mom in no uncertain terms, that you are NEVER moving across the country to take care of her. Someone says "Oh, I couldn't possibly do that" and "No is a complete answer".
Do NOT move her in with you. You will regret it.
I made the mistake of doing more and more and more for my parents. In hindsight, I should have made them get help to take care of the things they couldn't/wouldn't do.
When did mom get diagnosed with MCI? If it's been awhile and you see more issues, could be progressing to dementia. Does someone (hopefully your sister that lives near her) have POA? If not, get all her paperwork in order NOW before she does get diagnosed with dementia and will no longer be able to legally sign documents that are so important to have.
Maybe start with a cleaning lady? Get someone coming to the house weekly to get her used to it. Is there a bus in her town? Can she get a ride to the senior center? Don't ask her if she wants to go - but get her there so she can do things and not be rattling around in the house all day. Maybe next trip you go, take her every day and get her in the habit. Hire the cleaning lady to start when you'll be there so mom can't send her away.
I have learned with my mom that you just do NOT ask. You lead her and if she really resists then OK you might have to back off. But for example, if you ask my mom if she wants to go out for a little walk, she'll say no. But if you say "Ok mom, it's a beautiful day let's get out for a little walk. Here are your shoes, time to put them on." then voila, she's out the door.
Good luck.
2) you tell her you support her only in good decisions. When she complains, listen, but let her know that these are problems she’ll continue to have and they’ll get worse as she ages unless she takes action.
I went through this. My mother cried and pounded the table, my father swore at me, they both teamed up on me. I stayed steady. I was only 10 minutes away but they were sucking up all my free time and I and my family were suffering. I finally had to get a FT job for financial reasons and hence had to bring up A/L to them. It was horrible. They refused and said they would find their own way. I stopped taking them to health appts b/c they said they were “independent”. They canceled every single one of them. My fathers driving was declining. Finally they agreed to LOOK at the independent senior apartments. They realized they had to do it. They didn’t want to, but we pushed and pushed and finally they went. It was very hard on all of us, but they’re in about 6 months now, and they realize this is where they need to be. They hate the food (expect that) but the care is there. They have both gone through Covid and my dad ended up in the hospital with cellulitis. They had a cord to pull when he got sick and a nurse who came right to them and stayed with them until and ambulance got there. I am very glad we forced them into it. It is difficult, lots of tears all around, but it was the best thing. Good luck, stay strong. Get counseling if you need to, this is tough stuff
"1) You do not move out there to care for her. Unless you want to become her nursing home, you do not take on this role. You and your family come first.
2) You tell her you support her only in good decisions. When she complains, listen, but let her know that these are problems she’ll continue to have and they’ll get worse as she ages unless she takes action.
I went through this. My mother cried and pounded the table, ...they were sucking up all my free time and I and my family were suffering."
***My Mom also pounds on the table. Bahahaha! Love your solution... I can't go there w/my Mom just yet... But either she will have Home Caregivers...or some form of Indepepent or AL..
One of their neighbors even said since you're both using walkers and not very mobile, maybe it's time to go to an Assisted Living place. Nope - not them. My stepdad had the nerve to say to me "back in my day, children took in their parents". I'm not a caregiver and certainly not to 2 barely mobile people who love to complain all day. Just such a weird and entitled thought process. I will not be doing this to my children.
OP, you don't have to call everyday. When she starts complaining, change the subject. Have a few lighthearted topics jotted down on paper to move you through the conversations. I used to do that with my mother, she loved talking about medical things so I'd bring up an article on medical story or I'd ask her questions about a recipe she used to make. I'd ask her opinion on things, she liked that. If she's still complaining, get off the phone.
Don't keep mentioning to her about moving in with you. So many horror stories of parents and grown children living together. Her moving into AL or paying for in-home care is the way to go.
Certainly those in their 80s now did know.
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