Everyone's situation is different, I have guilt about not spending all day, every day with my grandpa. He is very needy and doesn't get out of bed unless I am there to wake him, sit with him and eat with him. When the psw's are here, he refuses to get out of bed.
Anyways, curious how others on here deal with those feelings of guilt in a care giving situation. those feelings that are inevitable because it (sometimes or often) feels like you are not doing enough...
What is the best advice you have heard about the guilt or what do you tell yourself to move past the feelings of guilt? Thanks.
You have to have responsibility in order to experience real guilt.
That is to say you have to have CAUSED SOMETHING and REFUSED TO FIX IT.
That is not the case for you.
You didn't cause this and you cannot fix this so guilt is out of the question and an INCORRECT use of the word.
The G-word you need is "grief". Grief at the failings of an elder. Grief at being expected to fix something not fixable. Grief at standing witness to the hardship this places on the entire family.
It is very important to label things correctly. Murderers, torturers, thieve should feel guilt (and almost never do). People fully capable of fixing something who then refuse to do so, may feel guilt. Others should not. And our brain forms pathway, accusing us of failing our elders when the truth is that we are NOT GOD. We are NOT SAINTS. And it is HUBRIS to ask of ourselves what cannot humanly be done.
We all get "feelings". When they are IRRATIONAL we need to recognize that and label them that, and move on.
So often, caregivers neglect themselves. It becomes habitual.
Caregivers need to be reminded that they matter too.
He can choose to get up or lay in bed. It's his life.
Just read your profile. I don’t know how old you are. You say that your grandfather is 96 years old.
I can tell how much you love him. You explain how you moved to a new city to care for him.
You gave up your career, social life and proximity to other family members. You have been your grandfather’s caregiver for five years.
Can you tell us how you were chosen for this role or did you volunteer to do it?
I am going to go out on a limb and say that you did this for your parents.
Am I right? If I am right, why haven’t they cared for their dad instead of sending you?
If anyone should feel guilt, it’s them for asking you to give up your entire life to care for your grandfather. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all.
I cared for my mother for years and years in our home. My children adored her and she loved them.
I never expected my daughters to be my mother’s caregiver. I wanted my mom to be their grandmother and for them to be her grandchildren.
I can’t imagine my daughters being burdened with full time caregiving responsibilities like you are.
You say in your profile that you are lucky to still have your grandfather.
Yes, you are lucky to have a wonderful grandfather but being his primary caregiver makes you a servant, rather than a grandchild.
I think that if you start to believe that you are worthy of living your own life, then some of your guilt will diminish. You may even find the courage to leave.
You are worthy, and that doesn’t mean that you don’t love your grandfather. You will always love him.
I loved my mom dearly and I felt totally responsible for her care.
Guess what? I was wrong. If I could do things differently, I would have placed my mom in a facility and chosen to be her advocate. I can’t get those years back. Hindsight is 20/20.
I am not a mind reader and maybe you did volunteer for this. Maybe, there are extenuating circumstances.
Regardless, you can still change your mind about being your grandfather’s caregiver if this job is becoming unbearable for you.
You say that you feel like you aren’t doing enough. If you ask me, I would say that you have done more than enough, in fact, way too much!
I wish you and your sweet grandfather well.
You are correct, it was my choice to move here and become his caregiver. My mother is his only living child and he was 91 at the time, living alone and needed the help. she’s a major narcissist and lives in a huge thick cloud of denial. She lives abroad where her work is life and her main and only priority. She’s always saying she is going to move back, that it is her ‘duty’ to care for her dad. For years she’s said she’s come back, I don’t know why I believed her. She’s never been reliable, and I’ve had to parent her since my early teens…long story short she was never going to be the one to take care of him.
I’m ready to reclaim my life and we’re on track to move him into ALF end of next month. Hope all goes well. I do believe he will be better off there. There’s so many safety issues at home and I’m doing my best but I’m not trained
That’s a lot of guilt .
But you are not guilty of making your grandpa old and needy .
You also can’t fix old .
You have to live your life .
Grandpa will have to adjust to letting others help him .
I see in your profile you have given up your life for the past 5 years . I doubt grandpa thought you would be caring for him for 5 years and would want you to return to your , career, home , friends and family .
You had previously in another thread that you were placing grandpa . Did that happen ?
Grandpa will be moving to ALF end of next month. I will grieve the losses but I won’t feel guilty.
I know it is the right thing to do and it is already overdue
thank you for the support 🙏
I'm sorry not sure which one of you did but thanks
That's what amazing about this forum, you get so many different thoughts, and one thing someone says can really hit you. When others don't, but may really help another person
Like light bulbs just popping on in my brain .
Very true. I will do my best! 🙏
It's your family that put you in this situation that should be feeling guilty.
I sure hope that you're getting paid well for this and paying your fair share into our tax system, otherwise you're the one that will be screwed when you reach the age of retirement and have no social security to draw from.
Is grandpa still at home or has he now been placed? I hope and pray for your sake that he is now well taken care of in a nursing facility where you can get back to being his loving grandchild and not his guilt ridden caregiver.
Now to your question about guilt. The best thing I've heard is that often folks get the word guilt mixed up with the word grief. It's normal to grieve the losses your loved ones are experiencing, but grief has nothing to do with the guilt.
Guilt is for folks that have done something wrong.
So if you're doing something wrong then stop it and do better. But if you've not done anything wrong, then try replacing the guilt word with grief. It's change your perspective.
Dictionary definition of Guilt: "a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have DONE SOMETHING WRONG, such as causing harm to another person"