My husband and I have been married for 40 years. His family welcomed me and have been wonderful to me and our children. His sister and her husband are the only family left for him and they are in obvious decline. They will be 79 and 78 this year, have no children, and no one close to look after them. My brother-in-law has significant dementia and my sister-in-law is showing signs as well. My husband has advanced Parkinson’s Disease which also comes with dementia and I am his primary caregiver. Fortunately we have stay-at-home adult son who lives with us which has enabled us to stay in our home and I am still quite sharp mentally and physically. I am doing what I can to help my in-laws but they are resistant to many of my suggestions and insist they are fine and don’t need anything. They totalled 2 vehicles in a month, haven’t filed taxes in 2 years, do not have a will or POAs, have not had my BIL evaluated for memory and cognition (SIL believes he’s going to ‘get better’), believe someone is coming into their house when they’re not there and stealing jewelry and killed their dog, and now admit that the gun they hid under their bed is missing. I urged my SIL to notify the police about the missing jewelry and gun but she hasn’t.I strongly suspect that they simply cannot remember where they hid their valuables; their dog was old and died in her sleep overnight on their bed. I am very worried about an unsecured gun in a house with a mentally impaired Vietnam vet who has flashbacks of the fighting. I feel like I should alert the police but am worried that my SIL will be angry with me and may not ask for needed help in the future. What should I do?
Anxious in PA
I have a BIL and SIL who maybe in the same boat someday. They are 80 and 81 and still active and in good health. But...your good until your not. It will only take a bad fall to change their world or an illness. We are 79 and 76 and live 18 hrs away. So no help there.
Not only are you protecting them, but anyone who has the misfortune of being on the wrong side of an automobile accident or a gun incident.
You are asking what you can and should do. I think it may be worth a call to the local police, since your in-laws feel that jewelry and gun are missing and may have been stolen. You can explain to the police that you suspect they have cognitive impairment. Hopefully officers will search the house for any weapons and make a decision on how to handle it for the resident's safety. You could also call Adult Protective Services to investigate.
Even without a POA or being their direct next of kin there's nothing stopping you from showing up at the hospital when one or both of them ends up there and telling the hospital social worker what's going on. The hospital can't tell you their information, but they can listen.
The only thing you don't need to spend any more time on is worrying about upsetting them. You didn't worry about upsetting your son when he was three and wanted to run into the road, and I'm sorry to say this is the same kind of thing.
You may be able to get help from the VA. Call the VA office in your county. Ours is located in the county courthouse. They can advise you, fill out forms, and make it easier to get help and perhaps financial assistance. They'll want to see BIL's DD-214. It is a form showing dates of military service and manner of discharge. If you have access to their home, you may be able to find it on your own. It would likely be with other military paperwork. Make a copy and return one of the copies to their home. They don't need to know because you don't want SIL to get her panties in a twist because you're helping. (If he already gets help, medical care, etc. from the VA, no need to register him, just call them and explain the situation.)
I wish you luck. Keep in mind: safety first. Your relationship with them: second.