What to do when siblings ignore the primary caregiver, then criticize what I do when they do nothing to contribute?

Oh my, does this sound familiar.

You dedicate all your energy, resources and time to your aging mom, and no one seems to notice or appreciate your efforts.
It's often a thankless job, made worse by self-absorbed siblings who assuage their own guilt by occasionally making an empty gesture and then buggering off.
The best advice I can give you is to set up boundaries for yourself. When siblings start criticizing or offering unsolicited "advice", can you excuse yourself and go elsewhere? Can you have a friend or partner step in and speak on your behalf? Can you even say: "Thanks so much, but given that the lion's share of mom's care has fallen to me, either pick up the slack or refrain from criticizing or advising me." Chances are, your mother will never be grateful, will never fully realize your self-sacrifice and dedication, so you must find it elsewhere. Can you afford to hire someone else to relieve you sometimes? Look for volunteer organizations who actually pay home visits to seniors, and then go see a good film or have a long, hot bath soak. Having such selfish siblings is painful, but you also can't change their behavior. There is a grace in finally embracing that reality and redirecting your energy to YOU, what gives you pleasure, where your joy is. Oh, and the other thing is: stick with Aging Care forum - you all have gotten me through some very dark moments.
Hang in there!

Nicawriter,

You said a mouthful! Thanks so much for understanding! Means the world to me. If it would not be for this site, I’d go crazy without some support. I want to thank you all again.

As as far as friends, I don’t have time to socialize. My friends live about 40 miles away, not very close in distance. Just chat on phone once in awhile. Hardly no money to hire anyone to help. My mother has money in bank for useless brothers after she dies. Again, not a lot. But it would pay for a sitter every now and then. So frustrating. I wish I knew how to handle this. I’m burning out and overwhelmed. They think I am a robot on autopilot because I handle everything properly. Take care of all my mom’s needs and neglect myself. I’ve had to cancel my doctor appointments just to help her. I have high blood pressure and my doctor is upset with me for not taking better care of myself.

I’m not shy about speaking up. I have politely told everyone that it is becoming too much for me. They look at me as if I am overreacting instead of seeing that I am overwhelmed. They don’t want to be bothered with care for mom. Sexists , also, “woman’s job” is what I have heard.

I can relate to your post 100%. I am living it. It’s going on 6 years now. It didn’t start off this way but as more and more needs to be done people scatter. For me, there’s an added burden of commuting 150-300 miles/day to do the care and other things needed. I have a professional practice as well. AND my sibs and my mother often work against me to their own detriment which is exhausting and very scary at times. My mother gets angry at me if I object to the way I’m treated, not to sibs who are treating me badly. She is respectful of their life/time/boundaries but not mine. My husband and I have sacrificed a ton to provide what’s needed for her and my Dad because no one else is willing to do all that it takes. My mother is largely responsible for damaging my relationships with sibs and vice versa. I’m not a martyr or victim type nor am I passive, dependent, weak, or unable to set boundaries. In fact I’m even a therapist who understands the dynamics I’m in, and has had lots of practice dealing with difficult people. All that said, I can tell you frankly, that from my experience with the same situation, there’s nothing you can do to get your needs for acknowledgment, love, respect, safety, or peace met within your family. You are or would be fighting a losing battle to keep trying. They are either unwilling or unable to treat you the right way because they have an investment of some sort in the opposite. Their stance with you does something for them. Whether the payoff is relieving their guilt, pleasing others, paying you back for something, jealousy, doesn’t matter. There’s something they gain or protect by doing what their doing. Only a significant event in their own life or an epiphany has potential to change that. Ignoring, setting limits, being direct about your anger, resetment, sadness, frustration is all important to express- for you and your dignity -so do it for that reason. Not in the hope of changing anything. Continue the care on your terms for your own reasons and know that you are doing what you believe is right - what you can live with. I agree with everyone who said or implied you will be at peace afterward. That’s a hugely positive outcome that really does make it all worthwhile. You are living your life with responsibility and integrity. But there’s another reason too. This is a time when you have a rare opportunity to “see” the others and yourself more clearly because you have to focus on what you believe is right while being challenged. It will make you even stronger and more confident, more compassionate, more capable then before. It’s painful to feel unloved - to be abandoned when YOU need help from your loved ones - to be criticized when you are really suffering - to be disrespected when you are being so respectful of them. I know what all this feels like. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through and I’ve had some huge things to deal with in life. But I don’t regret what I’m doing for my parents because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I acted as I see the others acting. That would have ruined my life anyhow so this is a better alternative. I feel sorry for you - for all of us who’ve been treated this way. It’s not right. There are people who have more supportive, emotionally healthy parents & siblings. They are fortunate.

Just take care of your Mom the best you can and take care of yourself. Ignore them. They have to know what all you are doing and they are justifying their lack of help by finding ways to criticize you to your Mom to soothe their own guilt. Just know that you are rockin’ it and doing the right thing. Everybody knows you are the star and they are, well, skunks.

Wow...when I read what You said about Your situation, it was almost word for word what I am living...I hope to find help in the replies.

NeedHelpWithMom;
When siblings criticize, is that direct or overheard on the phone? If overheard, ignore. Older people tend to run on about negative things - our mom did! It's worse with dementia - especially when they forget they said X, or forget how/what was done. I often heard mom misquote things to others long before dementia! This may be more true when one becomes unwilling/unable to do things that occupied their time previously.

If the siblings call you to complain and/or criticize, ask them "So, when are you coming to take over?" You can always try telling them to either put up or shut up. Or you can, as suggested, keep a diary of sorts for a while, and send the details to them. Ask if they have a suggestion for how to accomplish what needs to be done different rather than just criticizing. If they have no suggestions, then they have no intent to help.

You cannot make them help - that has to come from them. Many don't want to commit to anything. It is so much easier to criticize and unless/until they experience it all, they are clueless. My brothers are useless. One's response to my plea about not being able to handle it all was to just yell at me to "give it up." No suggestion for who takes over or what to do. None of us physically care for her other than me helping her when she was still in her own place. Everything else I have been managing/organizing 99% by myself.

As I posted in other threads, you can pick your nose, you can pick your seat, but you can't pick your family. Despite the loving families portrayed in TV shows/movies, life is not always like that. Some people have families like that, many others do not. I learned LONG ago that you cannot change others, you can only change how YOU react to them/handle things. YOU know what you do for your mother. YOU know you are doing your best. The doctors feel you are doing a great job, so IGNORE them. If need be, don't take calls from them. Let the call go to voicemail. Their messages might irk you, but by not taking the call you won't get into any discussions with them. That helps by not getting you upset. I have actually drafted emails that never got sent - sometimes that is a way to get it all out but not ruffle any feathers. I held off sending them so as to avoid getting into a pissing match. But it felt better just getting it out and documented!

"She is so happy to hear from them and it’s the old, keep the peace story. I understand that she misses them but I feel hurt that she allows them to speak badly about me, her daughter who does everything for her. My siblings do not know her daily routine."

Typical. Often when mom was living alone and didn't have dementia I would hear the non-local brother calls me EVERY Sunday (emphasis was hers!) Did not matter that I called more often or stopped by to help out with tasks. The other brother helped out with things she needed done, but she started asking me if I ever see/hear from him, because he doesn't call or visit... But oh, the golden boy could do no wrong! Last time he came up to visit (MC now for 2 years), I got the usual "What are you doing here?" and "Where'd you come from?" and then she saw him!!!  OOOOOOh!!! OOOOOH! Couldn't fawn over him enough! Yet while here to help prep condo for sale, I encouraged him to visit her. He went once and refused to go again, stating he didn't know what to do with her. Mmmmmm.... Yep. They get all weepy, professing to care, but do nothing. It will be interesting to see how they behave at burial services... My mother always used to say "If you can't be bothered to see me when I am alive, don't bother coming when I am dead!" It's one of the few things she believes in that I agree with!!!

So, do the best you can to ignore their criticism. If you must, send documentation about what you are doing, relate that to what mom says isn't true and ask them to take over if they think they can do a better job! Instead of focusing on their negativity, use that time to take care of YOU!

drpower,
You said a mouthful and no truer words were ever spoken. I hear you loud and clear! Thanks for your input. It helps to know others truly understand.

I hope things get better for you, me and all others in our situation.

disgusted too,

You have described exactly how it is! Thanks for your input. I hate second guessing myself when my mom and siblings try to make me feel guilty. They only see her a few of times a year. When they call which isn’t very often either, they act like they know everything. In reality, they are clueless. I am the one who deals with the day to day needs of my mother.

My grandmother, mom’s mom used to say “Give me flowers when I’m living, not when I’m dead.” How true that is!

We can’t change our siblings, nor make them see our side. It’s hard. I try to just keep going through the motions and block them out as much as I can. Does get to me when I am feeling down. There are ‘pot stirrers’ in my family. We have different outlooks on life.

I am more about addressing concerns and they are more about living their own lives and leaving me to be on autopilot taking care of mom’s needs as I have always done.

Thank God for this site because it’s hard being isolated due to caring for my mom 24/7 365. It helps to be able to vent and get feedback from those who have been in my shoes. Thanks again for listening.

This is such a common problem that I am thinking if forming a club. It may help to look at it from your mom's point of view. She raised these kids and now they ignore her. This must cause her a lot of grief. She cannot admit to herself that her other kids are selfish and mean. This is not an excuse for her behavior but it is a reason. If she tells them how disappointed she is with them, they will likely stop all contact with her. She can't have that. She could tell you how disappointed she is with them and how much she appreciates you. She should be nicer but it's not going to happen. Trying to understand what's going on from her point of view may help you accept the situation.

My brother is so rude and hateful to me and my mom. She has complained about him too but gets mad when I complain about him. I can't drive and I'm not about to inconvenience him by asking him to take me to Dr appointments or the store. I have friends who help me out. When he does come over he sits and messes around on his phone. Maybe this is petty but I haven't gotten a Christmas card or present or anything for my birthday from him for several years. It's not like he doesn't have the money either. He can just take off in his RV any time he wants while I'm up every 1 to 2 hours during the night helping my mom to the bathroom. He's out having a good time while I'm trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to fix for dinner. I've resorted to having my groceries delivered rather than ask friends. It's expensive but you pay for the convenience. It seems like we're all in the same boat here.

Toadhall and Theresa, I hear you both loud and clear, yep, we are all in the same boat just trying to keep afloat! Thanks for responding to my post. I well know that I’m not alone here. What a joy and comfort that is for me. Thanks to everyone here from the bottom of my heart.

My heart goes out to you. There are no easy answers. I have been in a similar situation for the last 15 years. My mother had essential tremors for years and wasn't safe in the kitchen, so I stepped up. My sisters talked a big game, but never actually showed up. Then mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I never left her side. My sisters still talked about doing more, but never did. My mother passed away 8 months ago and I am now taking care of my father who has dementia and is very difficult. I finally just accepted reality. They had years to help, but didn't. That was their choice and no amount of saying that I needed help moved them. No amount of mom crying because she didn't understand what was going on moved them. And now everyone wants to stay away from angry father. So, I do the best I can every day. That's all any of us can do. And at the end of the day, I know I did the right thing for my parents. Sometimes I get angry, but most times I'm determined to get through this with as much dignity for all as is possible. Support groups help as does counseling. Wishing you the very best.

Hi, it’s me again with a new question that I need answered. As my screen name says, NeedHelpWithMom, I really do.

My mother has a small amount of money in bank about 20 thousand in (cds). Even though I am Medical Power of Attorney, a convenience for my mother and brothers because I am most familiar with medical issues because mom lives with me so I can care for her on a daily basis.

She has my brother’s names on her bank account because she wants to be fair to them, not leave them out. My name is on checking, again for their convenience so I can pick up and pay for her meds and personal items, as well as shop for her personal needs after my husband gets home. I don’t have any time to spend doing anything fun with my husband. No one to care for mom while we would be at a movie or out to dinner.

I need to know if any of you would approach my mother to say that she needs to cash a cd to give me funds to help in getting me a sitter so I can have some much needed time off!

Oh, she has also named my youngest brother executor of her will which I haven’t even seen.

She seems to think this is fair and she has divided things equally. No one is left out. Are you kidding me?

My brothers will walk away with thousands of dollars after she dies, without lifting a finger to help me. This is driving me crazy to think about. I could use some of those funds to pay for help. There is hardly anything in her checking account and she hoards that because she doesn’t have burial insurance or plan and expects me to pay for her burial. HELP!

Neither of my brothers are responsible with money. One went bankrupt twice. They both spend, spend, spend on expensive unimportant things, such as musical instruments, (20 plus guitars), amps, keyboards, etc. Meanwhile, my husband and I are paying for important things with little finances left over.

One brother actually complained about paying child support to his children and got mad when he stopped paying and his ex hired an attorney and had his wages garnished.

They will take money after my mom dies and buy more stuff! I’m not materialistic like they are. I never shop for myself. Can’t remember last time I bought new clothes, shoes, etc.
It’s a mess. Please advise me.

Thanks.

I have been caring for my Mom for 3 years now. Whenever I complain, they automatically come up with reasons why she is like that. Small things, like I struggle keeping her warm and my husband cool. I am actually hoping for sympathy or empathy and they come up with her skin is thinner than ours. Right! I know this! I want to thank the air flight attendant for giving me this web site. I feel like I’ll be needing this in my future.

It is your mother's money and it is her decision to divide it equally.

If you do not like her choice, you can refuse to be her caregiver. Perhaps then she will release some funds to you for her care, when your other siblings refuse to show up to care for her.

With that said, with my clients, I find this issue arises when one adult child insists on exerting control over everything, without consulting the other siblings.

Also sometimes the caregiver sibling is receiving other benefits such taking the parents entire social security check as a fee for room and board.

Caregiving is a labor of love. Perhaps your mother is picking up your resentment and feels that you are only being a caregiver as a way to inherit everything.

Was it your choice to act as caregiver? Did you discuss options with your siblings?

Sometimes the other siblings would prefer to use mom's money for a facility where mom will receive professional care. Or, sometimes they live far away and want mom to move to their state, but the caregiver sibling balks about that.

Lastly, if you need the funds and are receiving no other form of compensation from mom, perhaps it is time to contact an elder care attorney to discuss a release of needed funds.

First remember Mom has nothing else to talk about, and yes you are the brunt of it. Siblings need to know that Mom may exaggerate and that if they want the truth they need to come as spend a day or take Mom over to them for a day. My siblings had no idea about my father until an emergency came up and I had to leave him with one of my five siblings one day. OH! Now they know, now most of them understand, and guess what... most of them don't want the job because nothing travels faster than word of mouth! yes the one I left him with told the next one and so on. Yes I still have one sibling that still thinks there is nothing to it and HE is OWED something!
Anyway, If I were you... have an emergency... call a sibling tell them this is a must and leave Mom with that sibling for a few hours.
blessings
hgn

Dear Need Help,
You are experiencing what many of us on the board are experiencing-in "name only" siblings.
So now you know what you and your mother mean to your family-very little.
I'm sorry for you both but time to change your attitude toward family. You need to tighten up your backbone and be the one in charge!

*Tell them you will no longer discuss your mother or your care of her with them since they can't seem to say anything positive. DON'T defend yourself-YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
*If that doesn't work, go NO contact with them. You don't need to listen to any negativity about the GREAT job you're doing. You need to know YOU have the ball in YOUR court. YOU are the c/g, not them. They SHOULD be kissing your feet! Or at least be appreciative of what you do for their mother.
YOU set the rules. You are LETTING them act this way towards you. DEMAND respect!
(Can you tell that these situations p*ss me off?)

WHEN they chip in to help with moms care, then you can be civil. Right now they have power over you-reclaim it-take it back. Don't be a door mat for these ingrates. Stand your ground.
Family ain't what it's cracked up to be. There are no 'Leave it to Beaver' families.

God bless you for caring for your mom.

Some people bond through gossip and drama. When there is none to be had they create it out of thin air, turning your efforts into something failed or nefarious.

They do this because it's infinitely easier to gossip and complain than to do the
backbreaking work of actual care giving. They do this so the focus is on the failings of you, the care giver, than on their own selfish behavior.

They do this so when their supposed LO passes, they can help themselves to whatever money is left guilt free.

And parents enable this, put them on bank accounts and make them executors, gossip and complain about the sibling that does all the work and makes the financial sacrifices, because deep down they know that they will only see these
selfish exploitative adult children through bribery of their own money and the sick entertainment of sacrificing the reputation of their good hearted, hard working children. Callous exploitative people resent you, for making them look bad and threatening their piece of the money pie, no matter how small. I've seen these
types become abusive over a few thousand.

Your Mom cares more for the illusion of a strong united family than the reality of
having raised exploitative callous individuals who care only for her money. And
not for her care. Your back breaking work is essentially saving their inheritance
for them.

If you haven't heard about this book "In Sheep's Clothing" by George Simon, I'd
get a copy and read through it. It's short and to the point. It will help make sense
of what you're dealing with. I'm so sorry that you've been put in this position.
You are a good hearted soul who deserves much better. Best of luck!!!

Your children will remember the care you gave. They are learning the way to treat you, if and when you should need it. It is a selfless sacrifice you are making. Your mother is very lucky to have you. Find strength in knowing that the only people that matter in recognizing what you are doing is yourself, your kids and our eternal father.

I love this quote by "Anonymous":

"Never waste your time explaining who you are
to those that are committed to misunderstanding
you".

Dove,
Thank you for your kind words. My children have noticed and have told me that they will care for me just as I have for my mom. That means everything to me. You lifted me up and I appreciate it.

Zelda, great quote. I have to remember that. We try to explain to teach others to become united as a family but unfortunately not all listen. Then we have to do exactly what that quote says. Thanks for reminding us of that.

Bettina,

I can tell that you understand. I appreciate everything you had to say and I will look for that book on Amazon. Thanks.

Only daughter and sue,

Thanks so much for listening and replying to my post. Means a lot to me. Helps to be understood by others.

hgnhgn,

Thanks for your response. You are so right. It’s challenging to be in this situation. Somehow, we’ll get through it. Thanks for understanding.

Heather,

The last thing I ever wanted was to have total control of things. The topic is how we want and need help from our siblings. Believe me when I say that I am not on a ‘power trip.’ I would say no one writing on this site is on a power trip to control. We started out doing what we felt in our heart was the loving thing to do, care for our parents. If not, we would have abandoned them or dumped them in a facility somewhere and not even visit. Quite sure if I hadn’t taken mom in, that’s where she’d be. My brothers would not have offered to have my mom in their home. My dad wanted her with me because I showed my love for them.

I lovingly and willingly invited my mom my to stay with us. My brothers are self absorbed.

Of course, it’s moms money. I have never asked her for a dime. I buy her lovely gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Mother day, etc. I took my parents out or had them over for dinner frequently. I took care of my dad before he died. I drove him to speech therapy three times a week after his stroke, doctor appointments, etc. My brothers never did it. When I asked them to take a turn they had a million excuses.

My brothers don’t even give my mom a card or even call her for her birthday. It’s sad. She can divide her money (about 20 thousand), she doesn’t have a fortune. She can give to a charity of her choice if she chooses. She doesn’t pay a dime of rent because we never asked her to.

My only point about money was that care is expensive and she is saving money so my brothers will get a share, she doesn’t have a lot but she deserves the best care.

I deserve a break from time to time and sitters aren’t cheap. I’ve never hired a sitter. She deserves to have me rested and refreshed rather than exhausted from doing it all. I would gladly pay for a sitter if my children were taking care of me in their homes. I’d want them to take a break from me and have some fun. My mom has become so dependent on me. Codependency isn’t healthy for anyone.

Her money shouldn’t be spent for my brothers to buy more toys with, musical instruments, eating out all the time, etc. My brothers have never managed money well and my parents always bailed them out. One went bankrupt, had 4 wives and cheated on all of them, the other didn’t pay child support and had his paycheck garnished. He got so many speeding tickets that his insurance went up so much and he couldn’t make the payments on his truck. The truck was repossessed, so he bought a motorcycle. They weren’t ever responsible people.

They never visited my parents. Only at holiday dinners to eat and run. Or they would drop off their kids for my mom to babysit them all the time. My mother wanted to see the children so she did it. I babysat them too. But they never wanted to be involved with my kids. One way street with them.

It’s normal to feel growing resentment when you wittiness your brothers use and mistreat the people who raised them. Also normal when they do the same to me when I have taken care of OUR mother. All children in the family should share in the responsibility, not just one of us.

Last resort, an elder attorney may have to be called but what a shame that they won’t do what is best for everyone involved.

My parents came from the generation where ‘females do all the work.’ Women are nurturers. Well, we are nurturing but men should be as well, not just women.

As as far as mom picking up on resentment from me, I have a right to tell her how I feel just as much as she has a right to mention how she feels. She’s hurt when they don’t remember her on birthdays or mother’s day but she excuses them. She always has. This isn’t a recent thing just because she’s old.

I stayed out of her relationship with my brothers before she lived with me because it didn’t matter as much.
Now it does matter. Their behavior makes life more difficult for me.

All of us here are looking for guidance in handling tough situations.

If your mother is living with you, I would definitely ask for a nominal amount of rent to cover her expenses. This is the least your siblings should agree too.

I look after both my parents who live in an independent retirement home but no longer cook or clean. Running to appointments, cleaning and making meals lies on my shoulders as I live nearby. I am very very fortunate that my dad gifts me money every month because they are grateful for my assistance. The only downside to this is that my siblings know about this arrangement (and I have no problems with the fact they know) and so it may give them less of an incentive to get involved.

I have that situation too and I understand completely. My brother and sister both have a lot to say about how I treat Mom and what I do for her but they won't do anything themselves. Mom is angry and upset that they don't visit very often and never call and, since I'm the one who does, I have to bear the brunt of her anger. I go to see her every Sunday, take her out for lunch or dinner and go shopping. I also take her to events she wants to attend. From the time I pick her up at her memory care facility to the time we get back, 85 percent of her conversation is complaints, 10 percent is put downs directed at me, and the other 5 percent is when she's actually nice. I told her recently that my brother and sister don't have to take all the complaints and put downs and she said "Well, they never visit me." I replied that if that was the case, maybe I'd stop visiting too. That scared her into much better behavior for the next few weeks. When she lived with me (5 years), she had given up driving and, as we both bank at the same credit union, she put me on her account so I could do her banking. It was not my decision but I was the only one she trusted. My siblings have both filed for bankruptcy and never have managed their money well. Now that they are having financial issues, they expect me to dole out Mom's money to them and I won't do it. They have both accused me of "living off Mom." I have not taken a penny of my mother's money. I pay her bills, deposit her checks, do her holiday shopping, and bring her cash when she asks for it. Our finances are completely separate. I have offered to turn this responsibility over to my siblings but they refuse and Mom protests that she doesn't trust them. So I'm caught in the middle, getting flak from both sides. Not a great place to be. The bulk of her finances are, fortunately, in a trust with a trustee that is not family. I am basically the liason between my siblings and the trustee. I work with him to do her taxes, watch her investments, and care for her property. I wish I had an answer for how to make things better, but the closest I can come up with was already mentioned above - tell the siblings you will turn over the keys to them and vanish for awhile. Let them get a good idea how much time you spend out of your own life to preserve hers.

I have the same problem with my siblings, only worse. A wise experienced caregiver once remarked to me that "guilt does funny things to some people." Rather than acknowledging their own neglect and selfishness and having to suffer the guilt, they turn it outward on you in the form of criticism etc. It's unfair and sad, but it is what it is. I am so sorry you are having to suffer through this.