What to do when siblings ignore the primary caregiver, then criticize what I do when they do nothing to contribute?

NeedHelpWithMom;

It certainly helps to know that you are not alone. Many are in the same boat with you! This is a good place to "vent."

"My siblings never ask me how I am doing. It would mean the world to me just to have them ask how I feel. I feel pushed aside, forgotten about."

We can ask how you are doing and encourage you to find some kind of respite - hire someone to come watch over her, even if only a few hours/week and GET OUT to do something YOU enjoy. Balancing your life is important too. Forget the deadbeats, focus on YOU and MOM!

"I always thought loved ones should pull together in hard times but they continue to ignore me."

There are no guarantees for this. Some families yes. Many do not. So, continue to do what YOU feel is best for mom and let their criticism fall by the wayside.

I could not fit everything into one post, so started with this. More to come....

Need Help With Mom: I am in a similar situation, in that I care for an adult child with a traumatic brain injury. No one in the family is hands-on involved. There are questions and criticism forthcoming, but little actual involvement. I've distanced myself from them to some extant and I do have non-family moral support. If I were in your situation, I would not expect anyone, including your mother, to change. But, you can make some changes. Find a place that is suitable for your mother if this is financially feasible. This situation is taking its toll on you; how long do you think your well-being can withstand this? Don't feel like a martyr; be proactive. If your mother is reasonably cognizant of reality (surroundings, dates, times, etc.) express your feelings kindly, but don't back down, let yourself be bullied or be made to feel guilty. Whatever her motivations for her attitude, it is NOT your responsibility to have to figure it all out. She will now complain about your new decisions, but she complains anyway. Perhaps a case worker or another uninvolved party can help. You must reclaim yourself! Good luck!

Truly sorry to read about your situation. Almost a mirror image of my life, except I have accepted reality: none of them will help. I no longer waste time worrying about what siblings think, rarely hear from them.
Mom now has undiagnosed cognitive issues which skews what she tells people.
Please try to be content knowing you are doing the right things, and don’t place such high value on others opinions/comments.

It could be worse!One of my brothers has Aspergers Autism and takes money frommy 93 year old Dad even though he only has SSI,no pensio ,and can barely afford the assisted living he is in. I work 3 jobs to try to help him but my other," normal" brother just makes things work by bringing him his car when his license is suspended and telling him to keep supporting my autistic brother. On top of all that,e en though I am my Dads POA he will not give me his credit cards and I think he has identity theft now!

This is not an unusually unique situation although sad. You are not alone. I have done homecare for about 15yrs in people's homes. Took care of both my parents for 10 years in my home until they passed. My only advice is ACCEPTANCE. Once you have done that everything will fall into place. Yes, you do need to have power of attorney & health care proxy if your mom is living with you. When your siblings come or call, allow them their space & take the time to do something for yourself. Get the help you need and don't rely on family unless they are willing &/or able. Accept your Mom as she is and your siblings as they are. No need to be resentful or hold this in your being. You know what you are doing!! Peace will come over you and it is sometimes easier to find help elsewhere. Not everyone is comfortable, able or interested in care giving even when it comes to parents. Adult day care is a great option to get a break and is more affortable than having someone come in. Most often people doing this unfortunately don't reach out for support. So kuddos to you! The adult day programs do offer support & direction which is invaluable. Good luck!

I was in your shoes with very little help from siblings. My mother would get the token call from them and I, like you, would get high praise from doctors that I was doing a wonderful job.
There were those occasional comments from family that they didn't like how I cared for Mom. I knew I was doing my best seeing that my mom's needs were met. Family might see one thing that they did not like and would criticize it. I knew the day to day situation, they did not.
In order to keep peace, I might ask them what their concerns were and explain why you do what you do. Other than that, listen to professionals when needed and keep up the good work. It's a hard job and guess who's doing it.

I really feel your pain. SO many of us are in similar positions.
I take care of my mother and have been doing so for many years. My only sibling lives in another state and we see her about once every two years for several days. When she gets here, she wants me to help her rent a car, get groceries for her stay, entertain her by getting other family members and supply transport to and from airport. the only helpful thing she does is send a pittance every month, groaning all the while about it. So I know how you feel.
So here is my advice for you...set your expectation bar very low. This way you will not be disappointed when they act as they always do, but you will be pleasantly surprised if they do something more positive.
Write a letter to them. In it, express your disappointment and hurt. Tell them that they are not getting the full picture of what is happening with your mother...how she can be difficult at times. Tell them the frustration you feel, and how many hours you are putting into her care each week...unpaid hours that you do out of love and sense of responsibility. Tell them specifically what they can do to make your life easier. Remind them that you are giving up other things you love, to do this job. Ask them to relieve you by staying with your mother a week now and then or at least a 4 day weekend to give you time off. Last...tell them how it would mean so much to get some recognition from them.
Do not be surprised if you do not get much of a response, but you will feel so much better for having let them know your feelings. It is always healthier to express them, rather then let them stew inside of you.
Good luck to you.

Please understand your mother expressing complaints to your siblings is not a really a slam on you. Your mother is confident in your love, loyalty, and continuing care - so confident she can tell stories of your care challenges. Her world has reduced to a point where talking about little mishaps in your home and care are all the "stories" she has to share with others during the infrequent conversations. Your mother's lack of concern over possibly alienating you is wonderful testament to the quality of your care and devotion.

I would recommend coming up with a couple of good responses when someone expresses some criticism of your care that shuts that conversation down immediately. Other postings list a few, my favorite is "So you'll be here Saturday to provide proper care? If you're not ready to put your time and energy where your mouth is, then you need to just be quiet." I don't tend to take much BS from anyone so I might not hear from this family member for a while but that's not such a bad thing to me - not hearing any criticism either. I once handed over a stack of books I had read on care giving for vascular dementia and told the cousins when they caught up with me on the reading we could discuss my father's care.

Find a senior or day care and push your mother to attend at least 1-3 days a week so she has some socialization and you have a break too. Contact Area Council on Aging to find out what is available in your area. It's a good long term support for both of you and will give your mother another source of conversational stories.

As the "responsible one" you may have to just accept that your family wants you around when there's a problem you can take care of more than when there's a party. Once there was a medical issue with a grand-nephew I was taking care of while his custodial father worked out of town. I called my nephew to discuss the treatment options and he told me to just do whatever I thought best - that he never worried about his kids when I was taking care of them because he knew I would take better care of them than he did. On the other hand, he really didn't appreciate my warning during a camping trip that transporting 8 kids in the bed of his pickup truck around a state park was probably not a good idea for a man still involved in a custody contested divorce. Responsibility is not a trait easily turned off. When there's a problem, you are a highly valued resource. When there's not a problem, you're a "downer" that impedes the party. Try to get satisfaction from meeting your own "responsible" standards and others (like the doctors) that value responsibility and not so much from relatively irresponsible family members.

First of all be sure YOU have power of attorney and you are the health care advocate. These should be legal documents that are signed by your mother. Second expect nothing from your siblings. Third if your mother has the money demand that some be used to help you in her care. Fourth you should talk to a therapist to be sure you are taking care of your own needs and not playing the martyr. No medals for being a martyr.

Doctors have praised what you have done for your mom! They see it! They understand how much time, effort, and sacrifices you’ve made to make her safe, healthy, and happy. Coming from a professional, you have validation that you’re doing an AWESOME job!
Siblings who criticize, or suggest that things should be done differently can either step up and do it themselves, or realize that you’re an angel!
I agree with other posters who suggest setting firm boundaries. This includes speaking up when they begin to criticize- remind them that you will not tolerate being belittled, period. Welcome their help- and help means “hands on help”; doctors appointments, shopping, laundry, medication management, etc. ....do NOT tolerate their negativity toward you! You are clearly doing the best you can with what you have.
unfortunately, mom’s behavior will be harder to change. If she “tattles” to them, and doesn’t defend you, it might be related to cognitive decline. Your best bet is to address the siblings, and explain that mom needs everyone to be supportive and getting along. I wish you the best. You’re clearly doing a stellar job!

Your just keep doing what you feel right. With today’s tech do records and keep things to protect you. You never know. Elder care need to be taken seriously. Do not let family politics interfere in their care. Separate care from finance and politics. Failure in right care will get you in legal trouble. Keep all documentation properly.

Usually there is ALWAYS a situation like you descibe. I was in the exact position you are. I worked had to support my family for 30 years. My husband helped too. I retired, hoping to travel, see my grandkids. A couple of years later my mom developed breast cancer. She recovered, only to be diagnosed with dementia 2 years later. She passed away 5 years later. My 2 sisters did nothing. Didn't work. They were both no help. Had a private ceremony for her, wow, they came. After that, my father became a burden. Whining and complaining about everything. He developed dementia and died in 2017. Life is hard. No matter what you do, someone is critical. Now my husband and I are divorcing after 40 years. He mentally abused me. My 36 year old daughter stopped , who lives 30 miles away , has no contact at all. She has a 3 year old daughter I have never seen.
I applaud you for helping your parent the best you can. Ignor your siblings rude behavior. Usually what goes around, comes around. Make sure YOU take care of YOU. You are an angel. I hope for the best for you.

“Givers” must set limits because
“ takers” rarely do!
Setting healthy boundaries is important for your health. This action includes your siblings AND your Mom!
Make changes soon, otherwise you will not last. With deep understanding and empathy I urge you to “stand up” for what is good for you and your Mom. The Caregiver has TWO PATIENTS:
the loved one she cares for AND
herself she MUST care for.
Get help whether your Mom or anyone else agrees or not. You owe it to yourself. Your life is more than just being a Caregiver.
Sending you positive thoughts, NeedHelpWithMom
YOU can do it!

I lived with and took care of my dad for 10 years after he had a stroke and developed alzheimers. My two brothers would call occasionally and visit rarely. As the alzheimers got worse my dads calls to my brothers increased to complain about the care he was getting. Same as you, doctors and other family members praised our care, but not siblings. I know now looking back (dad passed 12/17, that dad just need someone besides myself and husband to talk to and vent, and didn't mean the horrible things he said to us and about us. The disease was talking. But when living through it, it was Hell and took a such a toll on my health and family life. My brothers believed whatever my dad told them almost to the end, and offering to call police on us for the imagined crimes. Hang in there, take care of yourself, and decide what is best for you. Looking back now, I am glad I was there for my Dad, but wish I had gotten more help from outside sources. Your siblings are not going to change, so you have to. You can't control what they do or say, or your mom either. Get more help for yourself anyway you can, and take time to do things for yourself. You need to come up with a plan to take care of yourself and your mom. Your siblings unfortunately, are not part of the plan. Reach out to doctors, community groups, and anyone else you can. Remember in the end your mom loves you, and is struggling to live through her new "normal" just as you are. Dad ended up in a nursing home 6 months before he died, I wanted to bring him home to die, but brother was his health care proxy and said no. So dad died in a nursing home. I was with him every day there, and as a final insult from brothers, they were there with him when he died, but didn't let me know till after he passed. I'm still coming to terms with all of it, but try to remember dad before this disease took him over. One brother is out of my life, and other I talk to occasionally. Take care of yourself, find comfort that others have gone through this and you know you are doing a good job. In the end you have to take care of yourself before you can take good care of your mom good luck

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it. When they come to visit, tell them you are going to the store to get something for Mom and stay out 4 to 5 hours or more. Don't answer the phone and see how it goes for them for those hours. Maybe they will experience some of the issues you experience. Maybe not, but what do you have to lose and you get some alone time.

The answer is to STOP taking crap from them! All of them. Your mom is stirring the pot getting your siblings upset. Telling them stories to get them mad at you. All the while your taking care of her.
She is probably doing it to get more attention, and hoping for a concerned visit. Or she has always done this, and likes to pit each sibling against each other. Or have you have always been the scapegoat?
I think your family dynamics were probably not great from the start, if this is going on as adults. A lot of families dont have great dynamics. Narcissists do this because they get a thrill from watching the drama, and being the puppet master. (Not saying your mom is). I dont know which scenario fits your situation. I dont know your mom, but think about what is her payoff?

If you want this to end stop answering, discussing, talking, debating whatever incident they want to criticize. Id also tell your mom and siblings they are all on notice. If they continue to criticize and cant be pleasant, all phone calls will CEASE. You might have to actually do this to get your point across. You might have to do it more than once until they finally get it. They will learn. You are establishing healthy new boundries as an adult. As every adult should have. People will do what they can get away with. Dont feel guilty. This is what healthy normal people do. They dont take it. They refuse to be treated poorly. You dont have to be. That is unacceptable!

You can also tell siblings its their turn. Come get mom, now. Youll have her clothes packed by the door. Im sure sibling can do it better. See you saturday 2pm sharp!. You will hear crickets and dead silence on the other end of phone. Might even hear it drop to the floor in shock. Haha. Their not going to do that! You hold all the cards. You just dont know it. You can put an end to it.

You can also say its time they take mom to next doc visits and ongoing visits. They will now switch off. You need respite time. You have enough stress. Bet they will back wayyyyyyy of with the coments lol

Been there, done that as so many here have. I have 4 siblings, I lived an hour away from mom, 1 lived 20 mins away but worked long days, the others out of state and one out of the country. I would help my mom 3 x a week cleaning, doing laundry, shopping, dr appts., while she was at home living alone . My brother stopped in every morning on his way to work and took her to eat and church on the weekend . Two sisters visited and stayed with her a few times a year for a week. The black sheep sibling( everybody seems to have one) would blow in a few times a year, totally work her up, then blow out of town. He moved out of the country just prior to mom's diagnosis of a neuromuscular disease as well as just the normal aging issues. Sooo, he saw her exactly twice in the remaining 4 yrs she lived. I continued my routine, the others also, even when she broke a femur and was in NH the last year. BS( black sheep) moved back to states, didn't bother to find out what mom was dealing with , half listened to details, didn't come for what we all knew was her last Christmas . When she passed 5 months later, he couldn't believe it, mom was in her 90's, he still thought she would always be there. Mom always seemed to stick up for him, why, who knows? Came for funeral, ripped her house apart looking for antiques, long forgotten treasures, whatever. Accused me of having hospice " help her die", what a nightmare he is! I have not spoken to him since funeral as he's back to his life of all about him. I guess you just keep doing what you feel is right . What everybody else is dealing with is guilt, ignorance and no empathy issues.

Your story is very similar to mine. I lived with my Mom all of my life
I am very pretty but driven to be successful and never married. I was always there for Mom and made many sacrifices in caring for her. There were 8 years that Mom slowly declined. During those 8 years I rarely saw them and they lived 15 minutes away on all sides and there were 2 brothers and 1 sister. They were the greatest but I was dependable. Because I am younger I became very bitter and began not speaking because I had no respect for them anymore because how they were not there for Mom and were not even emotionally there for me. Sometimes I just needed to vent or talk about what we going through. A Mom always wants her kids to get along just remember that. My Mom knew who loved her and did the most for her and so does yours. My siblings wouldnt even let me go places but my love for her carried me through. It was such a difficult time in my life but I have no regrets and you wont either. My siblings and I stopped speaking for years and it didnt bother them it just killed me inside because I felt alone and that none cared about me. Best advice...just do you and what you feel is right. Joel osteen has said most people wont celebrate you...but your close friends will..find friends because sometimes they're closer than family sorry to say. My Mom was my world and my life she was all I had and shes gone now snd my friends are there more for me than family. I hadn't went yo holidays in years I went 1 year ago at Christmas and it was Moms last..I gave her peace in knowing that I can cooperate. The day she passed I allowed them to be there as I never stopped them from having a relationship with her. I stayed at her bedside and lived at a nursing home with her till the very end. I just wanted them to hug me when she was gone and not one even did that. I had a doctor's assistant say to me I have never witnessed such a beautiful love ss what I have seen with you both. I did my best and thst is sll there was. On Mothers Day I played a video of Mom and sang for my cjurch..song by Celine Dion and my sister finally admitted after many years that I took wonderful care of our Mom..you know that meant alot to me just hearing the recognition. You may or may not get that I waited many many years to hear that. My family doesnt miss her and do not grieve or feel the extreme loss I feel. I lost my most precious friend my buddy that u shared my every day with and my world will never be the same again! Families are complex and difficult and I wish for you the best of luck! Your Mom knows who loves her and does for her snd that's you so just keep doing what you're doing. Find some great friends to vent to because you'll need that during the trying times. Love Mom and gave no regrets...I sure dont!! I just wish she could have lived even longer..i miss her greatly. My siblings criticized me also..if her hair wasnt looking good or there was a spot on her clothing..bottom line I did my best and if my best isnt hood enough for them then so be it. For them it was guilt because they weren't helping. Guilt makes them stay away but they know whose doing it all that would be you. They know...maybe one day they'll appreciate you for what you're doing. Just do your best and dont worry about them..your Mom needs you and she knows who is helping her and who isnt....she just loves sll her kids. Your Mom isnt trying to hurt you she just loves everybody and she wont defend you because mine didnt either which hurt me st most times. I made an incredible sacrifice and I have no regrets and I'd do it sll again and what I wouldnt give to have her with me again!

Personally id try to cut these siblings out of your thoughts and minimise dealings with them if you can. They obviously dont contribute in any positive way. Quite the opposite they make you feel bad. Not much you can do if they try to make out to your mum your not a good person etc but your mum hopefully will see the truth . You are the one who is there giving love and help and attention. I suspect they are trying to deflect the guilt they should be feeling themselves. Your not the guilty one. So sorry for you your doing a good job . It doesnt matter what they think . Ignore if you can xxxx

I wish I had some advise for you but I too have the same problem. I take care of my father and my siblings do nothing and ignore me. Just recently my brother came up to pick up his son after visiting his grandfather over the holidays and he has to drive by my place to go home and he couldn't even stop by. Didn't even call. I haven't seen him for almost 2 years. I have a sister has well and she does the same but those two are close and see each other all the time. Which upsets me but they don't care and my father will not stick up for me even though he knows they're hurting me.

NHWM, you have received really good advice here. Keep it short and sweet - "You can take over any time you want" to any of your siblings, and to your Mom, "You can have ____ take over any time you want." and "How about keeping the peace with me?"
You know you are doing your best, so find peace with the situation and change how you react to them. It sounds like they will never "get it."
Also, surround yourself with a positive support system - doctors, senior social workers, etc. Try not to allow any negativity to bring you down. You need your physical, mental, and spiritual energy as a caregiver.
I'm an only child, but my husband's siblings are like my own. And I have very supportive friends. We rally together through thick and thin.
Btw, my MIL and her siblings use to have their father to visit each of the siblings throughout the year. When it got to be too much for him to travel and he was spending more time with my FIL and MIL (while the others made excuses), my FIL sat the siblings down and said it wasn't working and they had to come up with a plan for their father as a family. He was a retired Army colonel who mediated them and focused them so they worked out what to do.
I wish you the best. As Dr. Phil has famously said, "You teach people how to treat you." Start to put your boundaries in place and do what is right for you. If any one of your siblings or your mother calls you to complain, say you are not having that conversation. You can assert yourself in a proactive, positive way that works for you. I don't like confrontation, so I gently say what I want and stick to it. People get the message if you keep repeating it! Good luck and best wishes for a New Year of positive change for you!

Hi. I have no siblings. But my mother does and some of my cousins are very close to me. When I got any criticism from any of them, I said “take her for a month”. It stopped right there.

I would tell your siblings that they can take over b cause you just resigned!!!! Please do jot put up with their or your moms disrespect!!!! I agree wth what the poster that said put her in a care home and give yourself a break!! You have to take care of yourself and you are entitled to a life....draw a line and dont cave in or step over it!!!! Take care of yourself!!!!

I understand what you are going through. My older brothers live on opposite sides of the map and little sister here lives in town with Mom so...

I will freely admit that I really didn’t pipe up to them about what has been going on but with this last bout with mom I sure as hell did. I am lucky, though, because my oldest brother has asked how I am, and my other oldest brother has asked me to let them know what they can do.

So I’ve started updating them regularly. No holds barred, no sugarcoatin. “She is abrasive and slightly abusive today.” or “I found out that she is having trouble with x, y, z because she hasn’t been telling me.” I’m going to see to it that they know it all going forward because doing so will be a hell of a lot better than radio silence and then a “I have some bad news,” phone call.

There’s also a possibility that your mom is saying all the wrong things in an effort to drag your siblings in to her care, or as a means of trying to get them out to see her. If your family is anything like mine, one “Come out and see for yourself,” would be responded with, “you’re doing a good job.”

Monday morning quarterbacks that are 1000 miles away can talk all they want. I agree with another poster, you need to tell your mom that your siblings need to know how wonderfully well you are doing, because you are.

There is a ‘senior center’ nearby with lunch served and bingo. I had asked her if she’d like to do that. I even offered to go with her because I am technically a senior too. Think it starts at age 60. I’m 63. Thought it would be good for us to get out of the house for a bit and see other people. Too much togetherness isn’t good either. She still refused, saying she can’t do that. She uses having to go to bathroom frequently as an excuse but she wears pads all day and they have handicapped facilities. Plus now that she’s falling more often, she’s scared. I do understand that.

Her mother, my grandmother remained very upbeat, positive and involved in life until she died. She didn’t have Parkinson’s though. Big difference.

My cousin is almost 97 and still drives, no cane, sharp as a tack, very upbeat, talks about plans for the future, etc. She is a hoot! She says she takes care of all the other old people in her senior apartment community. I love when she calls to chat. Think she should give up driving though. She recently got a speeding ticket and got angry at the cop!

My mom watches her soap opera (Young and Restless), QVC, mass on television, news, etc. Eats, naps, nothing else. Doesn’t always sleep well. Then it starts all over, same routine day after day. Doesn’t want even melatonin to aid in sleeping.

My mother was extremely talented. She crocheted, knitted, embroidered, sewed, etc. Even sold many items at craft fairs. Was so sad for me to see her unable to do those things anymore. She used to volunteer, work at the polls at election time. She had a life. That all vanished many years ago.

I know it was an adjustment living such a sedentary life. But never admitted to any depression. I get depressed being so isolated.

God knows our family had it’s share of trials but she kept going. So hard for me to see her giving up. Makes me wonder what it truly feels like to be as old as she is. How common is withdrawing from life in senior years? What percentage of the elderly remain optimistic and involved in the community? So many thoughts run through my head.

Thanks for info on Medicaid but at the moment she is on Medicare and Humana. What exactly is Medicaid? Which is better Medicare or Medicaid? She won’t go to an ‘adult day care’ situation. As far as I know there aren’t any around me. Years ago when she was more capable of going out, there was an adult daycare place very close to me (it closed) and I mentioned it to her. She said she wasn’t interested in going there. She wanted to be with me.

You know Medicaid will also pay for Daycare based on Mom's income.

My Mom had some money so I sent her 3x a week. It cost about $80 a day. They bathed her which was a big plus. She was given breakfast and lunch. She was given some therapy and there were activities. She was picked up at 8 am and brought home at 2:30.

I am so much like you in that I wanted/needed close-knit siblings who always looked out for each other. Unfortunately (for me), that is not what I got. What helped me was realizing that my siblings don't have the same wants and needs as I do, and that my expectations were the problem, not my siblings. They have their own wants/needs/expectations! Who knew? If you express your wants and needs in a non-judgemental way, you might get what you want, or you might not, but it's worth a shot. Personally, I finally let go of my expectations and enjoy them for who and what they are, and try not to fuss about who they aren't. I'm much happier and more relaxed. I do have to say that when I was deathly ill this past summer, all the siblings came running to support not only me, but my husband as well. Pretty cool, all in all.

Thanks everyone for understanding my situation and the practical advice. Gives me options to consider what is best for mom and me.

Helps just to be able to express my opinions. I can’t get to local caregiver support meetings because mom needs so much assistance. She is very codependent and most likely I have felt I had to do everything she wants trying to keep her satisfied and most of all safe. These continual falls have me a nervous wreck. Emergency room visits are so scary.

Tell your siblings to BACK. OFF. Then tell your mother to zip it. Mishaps occur and she doesn't need to yap to them about what you "do wrong". If anything, your mom owes you an apology. Some way for her to "keep the peace" between you and your siblings! If they still blame you, remind them how selfish and stupid they've been towards you and your family. Under no circumstances do you owe them, or your mom, anything. (Especially if all they do is use you as a scapegoat)