What triggers Dad's dementia ups and downs?
My father has dementia but lives at home with my mother and he can generally handle day-to-day tasks such as getting himself showered, helping around the house and yard. My mother is very depressed and, I think, verbally abusive to him. She also drinks. Some days (or multiple days) she drinks and spends most of the day in a napping fog in an easy chair or closed off in the bedroom. I have noticed a pattern over 2 years: she ramps up the verbal abuse, drinking and napping. He starts to get confused about who she is and where she's been. He starts to refer to the "New Mary" and the "Old Mary", and the "Big Mary" and the "Little Mary", thinking there are two of them, and this new, nasty one is not his wife. Then he gets paranoid, calls her a scam artist who is squatting in his home, asks what happened to his wife, and then is prone to wandering. Does it seem reasonable that her behavior could send him into these confused states? Otherwise, he scrambles names but is not generally confused about who family members are in relation to himself. This pattern started in 2015. Any thoughts are appreciated!
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I turned up one lunchtime at my parents' house - happened to be passing, they weren't expecting me - and found my dad alone in the kitchen looking hangdog, and my mother was somewhere upstairs. "I'm glad you came," he said. "I was just going out to buy some cigarettes, now I can cadge one off you instead." I just goggled at him - he'd given up smoking altogether years before, and heaven knows how long it had been since he'd bought a packet. "Actually, I am a bit pissed off," he announced. Defiantly, that's the only word for it. Defiantly.
Of course I asked if there was anything wrong, or if I could help, and what had happened, but I couldn't get a further word out of him; and when mother came downstairs she wasn't saying either. Frosty, I'd call her.
Clearly, they'd had a row. But normally if they had a row, mother would go off and cry, or ring one of us children or her sister. This was different. It was about something private, and personal, and deeply important to both of them.
The point being, that our parents have a life as a couple that we don't know anything about, precisely because they consider it none of our business. And though children tend to be endlessly curious (within limits!) about their parents' relationship, on account of it was existentially important to us, there are still going to be whole swathes of history we don't discover.
I wonder what happened between your parents, or between them and their social circle, those years ago.
In fact, I wonder if there's a whole book in it!
But meanwhile, what to do... Have you had any luck getting them to think in more practical terms lately?
If I were in your shoes I would get your Dad out of that house ASAP. Is it possible he can live with you? If not I would look into assisted living (hopefully close to where you live). Some places are really nice where your Dad would have his own apartment and you can visit him often (these type of places are not cheap but you stated your parents have money) and your Dad would get the care he needs.
If you decide on this option you will properly have to see an elder care attorney to help set this up. Keep in mind that your Mom may not react well since she will lose her punching bag.
Abuse is abuse and it's not healthy for your Dad.
Wishing you the best,
Jenna
As for your dad, all people who have dementia have up and down days. There are some days people are right on target and other days where they can't seem to function or stay grounded at all. That's why caregiving is so important. The bad days are the ones where the person needs the most caring for. They probably aren't eating right, can't keep up with the house work, can't remember what to do next and are really eventually going to be a risk to themselves not on purpose but more so due to be confused.
Dementia is hard to watch and even harder to understand. My best advice to you would be to talk to your mom. See if she won't admit to what she is feeling so you can get a handle on what is going on with her. Tell her you understand she's trying to handle a hard situation and you want to help but you also know she can't care for your dad if she's drinking so much and really needs caring for herself. Hopefully the conversation goes well and you can see if that really is the case of her being depressed and self-medicating with drinking.
Both parents obviously need help. Maybe you can call social services or hire a geriatric care manager who can help you out. People in these fields have seen it all and can offer you some guidance. Sometimes parents respond better to nonfamily members. I would start there.
I have not had any experience with this, but I've heard others talk about it in support group. One member reports that her husband will say, "You're not my real wife. Send her in here right now!" Sometimes if she leaves the room and comes back with a sweater on, or some slight difference to her appearance he will accept her as genuine!
In your poor dad's case, his wife really is sometimes not herself!
I just mention capgras to point out that there really is something in the brain that can cause this.
Could you possibly negotiate with your dad? You'll support him staying with his wife IF he will allow help into the house. Between his dementia and his wife, he might have a real hard time doing this, but it is worth a try. If you can get him to agree to this, have a discussion with both of your parents (when Mom is sober.) Ask Dad if he is willing to have help come in. Ask if he wants Mom to cooperate with that.
Is there any non-family member they might listen to? Long term friends? Their insurance agent? A clergy person? Someone they used to play bridge with? Do you know of any of their friends who have help coming in? Any who have moved to assisted living? Often family, especially adult children (who are still seen as children) are not taken seriously but a peer might be.
Keep in touch here.
Sudden and total withdrawal from alcohol can be very dangerous, depending on how addicted the person is.
If there was a nurse and a therapist in the home on the same day..the stress was too much for him and he would go off like a fire cracker. You could see it building up.
Also, when he got tired he would slide off into a fantasy world.
Sadly, his fantasy world was not nice place... paranoia and panic. Full "sundown" in other words.
There really wasn't any way to keep all stress away. He would get stressed out if he didn't understand what was being said around him, even when he was not part of the conversation. He would be stressed if he was not the center of attention. With Mom recovering from a stroke and having speech therapist in the home every day...by 3pm each day it was a mad house.
Your Mom, she is loosing the man she fell in love with, the man she married and had children with.
Your Dad, how can anyone that has any form of dementia NOT be depressed at some level.
Your Mom is "medicating" herself with alcohol.
Your Dad is right...there are 2 women in the house. And that makes it even more confusing for a man that is slowly loosing bits and pieces of his mind.
If there is a way you can get your Mom to see a doctor that will treat both the alcohol and the depression that might help.
If it can not be or she does not want help maybe the best thing for your Dad would be to place him in Memory Care facility where he will get consistent care. All I can tell you is that this will get worse not better. Statistics show that often the Caregiver dies before the person that they are caring for doe. This is due to stress and the fact that Caregivers do not take care of themselves. So it is very possible that your Mom with pass before your Dad based on alcohol abuse and not taking care of herself.
This must not be easy for you to watch both parents disappear. I hope you can get through to your Mom.
Caring for my Mom with Alzheimer's and my MIL with dimintia was the hardest thing I've ever done ! They were totally different.
People with dementia have good days and not so good days. And sometimes they have sun downers behavior, where they seem to become more confused or agitated in the afternoon. He likely isn't feeling too good about things if mom is not supporting him or calling him names.