My adult sister still lives with my mother and is a hoarder. My mother fell 2 years ago and had to be placed in a nursing home because she broke her leg. While in the nursing home I gathered a lot of people and cleaned out the 3 bedroom apartment except 2 of the bedrooms for my mother's safety. My sister has filled the house again and it looks as though we never cleaned it out. My mother has since fallen again and broke her other leg. She has recovered and since moved back to the same apartment. My mother defends my sister and will not help herself. They have cut off all contact with family and will not answer phone calls from anyone accusing everyone who tries to help a thief as we had to remove a lot of items from the apartment to make sure my mother could move around safely. The items were not stolen they were donated to the goodwill. I am very concerned about my mother and her well-being. I don’t know if I can do anything because my mother defends my sister and states my sister is too ill to clean. I don’t think my sister should be a caregiver if she is unable to care for herself. What should I do next? Please help!!
Call APS. I don’t know if anything will come from it but the hoarding issue will be on file as a reference.
She has a mental disorder. She is unlikely to change.
Best wishes!!
Your local Area Agency on Aging might also help.
If you truly think it is dangerous (and it sounds like it is) APS might also step in.
I am curious how you cleared out so much stuff while mom was in rehab...where was your sister? If she is a hoarder she would not just let you remove items from the house.
There is not a lot of info in your profile about mom or your sister.
How mobile is mom?
Is it possible that mom is a hoarder and your sister is enabling her as well as being a hoarder herself?
And actually, when you take things without permission it is stealing no matter your good intentions, rather you donate the items are not, as they are not yours to donate.
The only thing I can suggest if you really feel your mom is in danger is call and have a Senior Socual Worker check on your mom.
Keep in mind tho, that might be the last straw and your mom and sister might not ever talk to you again.
Alike kerp in mind that Senior Homes are Not Fun to live in, lonely, depressing and your more likely to get Covid.
Also, keep in mind that most Senior Homes are not staffed with enough help and people fall in Senior Homes too.
Even tho you may disagree on your mom's living arrangements, if your mom has her mental capacities, and you want to kerp a relationship with her, I suggest you bite your tongue and try to have pleasant visits with her and your sister.
Life is short.
Prayers
Opinion of bevthegreat and maybe some others. Opinion.
My mother is in a "Senior Home", if that's what you call it and they have LOTS of activities to keep the residents occupied, having fun, etc.
"...more likely to get Covid."
Highly dependent on location and protocols. There are plenty of older people who have gotten the virus from their own families in their own homes. Mom's facility managed to get to OCTOBER before one staff member tested positive. They scaled back and have been testing everyone (it is IL/AL/MC) and so far no one, no other staff and NO residents have tested positive.
I am NOT saying (and did not in my comment) that OP should move her mother there (you really can't, EVEN if she had cognitive issue, you can't force someone to move - THAT was legal advice from EC atty.) I'm just pointing out that not all residential facilities are alike. You can't judge all of them because you've never been in all of them. Are there crappy ones? Yup. Are there nice ones? Yup. There are all flavors between as well - WE the ones who care need to assess the place(s) we consider for a LO.
I've said it before and say it again now - should I need to move to AL or MC, I would choose the place mom is in and have told my kids that.
Counters jam-packed with 'stuff' can be somewhat organized, but as mother got more bent over, she cannot SEE about 4' off the ground, so she doesn't see what we see.
Same with piles and piles of newspapers and catalogs and mail. (Mom doesn't throw out her junk mail, she keeps it all.)
The best we could do was pack her PCH sweepstakes envelopes (23 years worth) in plastic bins and store them in the crawl space under her apt.
A call to APS would just resort in her being more upset and angry. Not worth it. I used to care a lot--I don't care at all anymore. I don't even go into her place.
And I told all relatives that if Mom offered them something to take it. What they did with it wasn't a concern. I realized Mom just wanted someone to desire the item as much as she did.
There was still a lot of stuff she wanted to keep so I rented a storage locker near her new place and if she asked for the item I would bring it to her. It was a constant effort to remove things she was accumulating but I could usually toss a few newspapers or magazines when she wasn't looking. Or I would ask to borrow the item and never mention it again.
IF she is of "sound mind" (skip the mess for the moment), then there isn't really anything you can do. Calling APS or some other agency probably won't work. Either one of them can refuse to let them in or talk with them. As much as you want to help protect your mother, you probably can't if she's refusing help. If your mother were to be injured again, the hospital might call in APS to determine if there is elder abuse happening and if they are refused entry, they might be able to get court orders to assess the situation, but I wouldn't count on it.
IF she is NOT of sound mind, perhaps in the early stages of dementia, it *might* be possible to work with someone like a social worker at the hospital, if she falls and is injured again, to get that assessment and perhaps orders that she be moved to a safe environment. But, even that might not work.
Scary as it is, even those with dementia have "rights." After trying various ways to keep our mother in her own place, she refused the aides and refused to consider moving anywhere. The EC atty (we had all the legal stuff done long before, including POAs) told me we could NOT force her to move. He suggested guardianship. The facility we had chosen wouldn't take committals, so we had to "wing it." Due to the dementia, it was easy enough in our case to come up with a "fib" to make the move happen. Even when in MC, staff has told me they can't force residents to do anything they are refusing to do (medication, bathing, wound care, etc.) They have to get "creative" and find a way to coax them to do it or make them think it's their idea.
You obviously care for your mother and want her safe, but unless someone can determine that she has cognitive issues, most likely there isn't much you can do.
After mom is settled into a better living situation, you can then talk with sister about her problems with hoarding. Hoarding is a mental health illness - a variety of obsessive compulsive disorder. She will need to start therapy with a psychologist and probably have help clearing out her place. If her place has garbage or pests, please contact the health department.
There is little to nothing you can really 'do' about this, unfortunately. Like Daughterof1930 said, you can report the situation to APS, but it's not likely to change anything.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a dreadful situation where you feel helpless. It's not easy, and I'm sorry for the pain you're suffering.
Sadly, you learned the hard way (as so many of us do) that hoarders almost always LIKE their living situations and don't appreciate people, ESP family, cleaning for them.
As my mother stated last month: "My 'junk' is what keeps me going. I feel like I am surrounded by my loving things". Basically, she told me to never clean or dust for her ever again as her place 'doesn't get dirty'.
I stepped away and won't even water a plant for her.