I am an only child and take care of parents in my home. Mother has mobility issues. I have written before about her complaints and my reaction to them. I dread going into her room in the morning because she always greets me with a list of complaints. I have tried not to engage with her. My first reaction is to feel guilty and to try to explain or fix whatever was wrong. Big mistake! For example this morning she said there was no water on the table. I pointed out that there is a full container of water on her table, but she says she can't use that container because it is not the right color. This is a new development because I didn't know that a container's color mattered. When I offer a solution she says I am complaining. She talks down to me and uses my full given name rather than my nickname. Then she says I should try to lie in her bed and see how I like it. To me it sounds like she is wishing me ill. I feel that she doesn't like me since I have been involved with her care. We had a fairly good relationship before her illness. She has not been diagnosed with dementia but I think with all the medication that she takes her personality has certainly changed. How can I protect myself from taking everything she says so personally. I know it is affecting my health and I am beginning to not like being around her.
This to me is a clear case of biting the hand that feeds her. She does it because she knows she can get away with it. She controls you because you're the one thing left that she can control.
There's no need to respond to her complaints, except if you want to point out that her complaints are baseless and counterproductive. If I heard the complaint about the color of the water pitcher, I'd tell her "If you don't like the pitcher, don't drink the water." When we were kids, my mother would tell us "Drink it or wear it." You can make the same point without going to that extreme. Basically, like it or leave it. Stop offering solutions. She can drink the water or not drink it. She's lucky to have a daughter who provides her with a bed in her own home with a container of water next to it. She needs to see that. Or not. But you need to see it, at least.
My "pretty good relationship" with my mom was based on very limited exposure. I was able to hold it together and be sweet and nice for about an hour. Tops. After that, her politics, her illogic
( before dementia) and her way of thinking drove me mad. If I'd had to live with her or vice versa, I would have considered suicide or homelessness preferable.
Get her seen by her doctor. Get a needs assessment from your local Area Agency on Aging.
And if she starts to complain, try saying brightly "Oh I'll come back when you're in a better frame of mind"
Really?
Could you describe it a bit, if you'd like to?
The thing is. It isn't obvious to me that when a person you love and get on with well is crabby for reasons you can perfectly understand, you feel personal culpability for everything that cross, unhappy person then finds fault with.
You can be sorry she's bed bound. You can be sorry she's rattling with medication. You can be sorry that she's feeling ill, frightened, frustrated, just plain sorry for herself even. All of those are legitimate grievances, to which the appropriate response is "oh dear, poor old you" and a hug.
But to start feeling that YOU are her problem, or that God forbid she's so envious of your youth and health that she's actually ill-wishing her own daughter...
That's... not a rational or even a common response.
So. I wonder. What was your "good" relationship built on?
Mom: Have an apple.
Me: I don't WANT an apple!
Mom: Well, I guess you're not hungry then.
The pitcher thing made me laugh too, for this reason.
I haven't lived in the same town as my mother since I was 15 (I went to live with my father). Now that I'm staying with her and being her caregiver, I feel like I didn't know who she really is at all. And I love her, but I don't really like who she is very much!
You have to be pretty thick-skinned to be a caregiver, I think, whether that person has dementia or a personality disorder or is just cranky from pain, health problems, and declining independence. And you have to be really good at boundaries. If you're determined to keep your mom at home and out of a facility, I strongly urge you to get some counseling. That's going to be the thing you need to toughen up your skin and to become more able to set your boundaries with your mom.
The other thing that helps me a lot is this forum. This is one of the few safe places you will ever have to vent whatever you need to vent, and know that you'll find a lot of folks who've been through the same thing. Keep coming back! If you don't get it out SOMEWHERE, it will eat you up inside.
Also, as others have suggested elsewhere, look up "Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG)" online. Lots of it is geared around dealing with dysfunction like personality disorders, mental illness, etc., but I think you'll find some helpful stuff out there.
While your mother is still a person, she isn't the person she was. It does sound like she has dementia, but even if the change is "just" from losing her independence and being bedbound, the change is real.
Have you ever had a time in your life when your reactions were not "you"? I know that I am having a depressive episode when I am not "me." Several years ago I cried on the phone with my boss, and I snapped at a coworker I liked a lot. Definitely "not me" behavior. I made a psychiatric appointment. Also when I was in the hospital for an emergency I was clearly not in my right mind for several days. I apologized to a few people when I got well!
So I am not surprised that your poor mom, with her medical issues, loss of independence, and mobility problems isn't fully herself. And if she has dementia, there is serious physical damage in her brain. I think if she had been narcissistic all your life you would know it! More likely she is self-centered now because of her circumstances. But look up narcissism and see what you think.
Could you be a little over-sensitive from all these negatives of your mother's? For example "try to lie in my bed and see how you like it" I take to be similar to the often-used expression, "try walking in my shoes for a mile." I don't take it that she wants you to be sick, but that she wants you sympathize with what she is going through. Maybe a response like this is appropriate: "Mom, I can't even imagine what you have to cope with. You are doing amazing! I hope I can be as strong as you are if I ever do lie in a similar bed!" Acknowledge her feelings. Express sympathy and admiration.
For the water container comment I'm not sure I could keep from laughing out loud, but I would prefer to take it in stride as if it were a perfectly normal comment. "Oh. I'm sorry about that. Are there other colors you can't drink from? I'll put them on a sticky note by the sink so I can remember that. My memory isn't getting any younger!"
How can you stop taking things so personally? Remember that your mother now has some personality defects. She didn't ask for them and if she could really have an objective view of herself she'd probably be appalled.
Would you consider getting some counseling to help you cope with this very challenging situation? It is sad to dread seeing your mother every morning!
How you respond will help you not take it personally.
BarbBrooklyn, before parents moved from Queens, New York, I saw them a couple of times a year. Always pleasant visits, but living now with people 24/7 that I haven't lived with in more than 30 years has been a major adjustment. Maybe I can never adjust because we are just too different. I do appreciate the questions because I can delve deeper into what is causing me to have such a strong reaction of my mother.
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