Why do I feel compelled to respond to mother's complaints? It is the hardest thing to not take what she says personally.

OMG, I am in same situation. I dread first conversation of the day because it is nothing but complaints. Says very hurtful things to me. Everyone around me tell me to just let it roll off of me she is old. I try but there are days I have to speak out to her.
I don’t know anything else to do but eep praying I can handle it.

A wise old woman told me that I must learn to shrug my shoulders and roll my eyes at times like that.

Great advice when I was taking care of my dad. It saved a lot of arguments.

Your mother is not happy (big surprise) and angry at the world - and sadly, you are "the world" that has to take the brunt of things.

You could try diverting her with, "I'm on it and will change it as soon as I can" - chances are, she'll forget her nitpicking with a new complaint and you just say it again.

I'm praying for your sanity - heck, I pray for mine daily.

Because as a care giver you want to make your patient in my case as well as yours you want them comfortable.

First, I am so sorry you are going through this. Assuming you are deciding either not to put her in assisted living, or hire a care giver in your home, my suggestion would be to remember although she still is your mother, she is not the person you grew up knowing as your mother. Mobility issues cause frustration on her part. I am by no means excusing her behavior, trust me. My dad is in AL, and he can be sweet as pie, or mean as can be. Good luck to you. Take deep breaths...

I was discussing this situation with a good friend of mine, who like me, has a mother in her 90’s. We both know what it’s like dealing with a person of this age. We both have a high respect for anyone having to deal with their elderly mothers and fathers. After a discussion about your mom saying she wouldn’t drink the water out of the water pictcher because it was the wrong color, my friend said: she needs to get her mom a rainbow colored pitcher. No disrespect meant at all, but I did think it would be a good idea , and maybe it will help a caregiver out there cope better.... including ME! God bless you and your struggles.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful advice. I feel so blessed to be able to ask questions and receive responses from those in the "trenches." You all want to do what's right for your loved ones with humor and grace. Seven months ago everything changed for me and my family and we are all struggling to make sense out of the senseless. I want to be strong enough so I can deal with the day to day issues. Your own personal experiences are felt by all on this site and I think we can lift each other up. For that I am most grateful.

I am the only caregiver. My 95 year old father is a sweetheart and lives independently. That being said, he is VERY dependent on me. I used to try and do everything for him but after 8 years of heart attack, hospitalizations, falls, hallucinations you name it, I'm worn out! He needs to be in AS and that will happen soon. I JUST told him that. I said I was worn out and my health was suffering from taking care of him , my mom (who passed from alz/dem a year ago), my divorced son and his 2 young kids. I lost my sister 4 years ago but she was little help since she worked full time and took care of her grandson. I'm just worn to nothing. All I can tell you is that SHE will wear you down if you don't do something now. It sounds to me like she has the beginning of dementia. My mother was the sweetest but then every little ailment made it worse. Demanding, paranoid, until I couldn't handle her anymore. You said you go into get her. Is she bed ridden? Do you have help coming in? Doctor appts? I know it's VERY hard to do but try not to take it personally if she does have the start of dementia. She might not even know she's doing it. Have you asked her if she knows she is talking to you like that? We can only do the best we can. Might be time to bring someone in so you don't have her 24/7. You haven't mentioned how far along your dad is in his journey. There is a lot of unknowns since I didn't read all the posts. Hope you get some help and soon. For YOUR sake! Good luck and may God Bless and guide you.

Oh yes, "the you wait and see story." That's what I started calling it. My mother would be a conundrum, e.g. "I can so dial that phone number." Followed by "Don't you see I'm having difficulty here." Or "I'll show you I can still vacuum, yanking the appliance out of my hand and nearly taking a tumble!" It's like a sympathy strike a workplace--a department of the company goes on strike and "sympathizer" departments join in. Your mother wants "the suffer with" process. "The you wait and see story" as I came to call it and my answer was "Yes, mother, and I'll be handing over my car keys to my daughter."
It was my experience  that caregiver gets "the dirty work" and so "the complaining that comes along with it."  My late mother was as sweet as pie to anyone coming in to visit. I was called "Hitler" by my own mother because I had to instruct her to take her meds, eat, bathe, etc.

@countrymouse... wow, your response was harsh and uncalled for. My mom is very like the OP's mom. I only found out from reading about it a year ago, that my mom has npd. Not sure how I found out... maybe an article I read... not sure. But when I started reading the books I bought, it was like a string of lights coming on. I could look back through our relationship over the years and understand.... and only clearly now as an adult because she has been with me in my home the last 9 months. Now on a daily basis, it is impossible to let some things go. She, just like a classic narcissist, is a master manipulator and actress. I can see right through her. But in front of others, she is so sweet, etc. Her needs and wants have always been more important than mine and she is so envious ..... oh yes, I can see that one so clearly. And wishing someone including her own daughter harm.... oh yes.... read up on munchausen syndrome. There are different levels to everything, and while my mom has never given me something to make me sick.... she hovers over me (92 yr. old to my 60+) and is constantly asking if I'm sick... asking daughter who lives with me to call me when I am not home before 5 or 6:00 because she is sure something is wrong with me. These are only brief examples. There are plenty more. And this.... this ... is all without dementia. She has never seen me as an adult... never seen me as an intelligent woman... only as an extension of herself. So, oh yes... I can see her wanting something to be wrong with me, if only for her to hover and play mommy to.

I can see the day coming where I as POA will have to push to sell her house and car in a town 3 hours away, because she is not suitable to be living by herself, and I can no longer go over there when she is "sick" or needs to go to the doctor or hospital or go get groceries. And she will be with me as long as possible and finally at some point into an ALF. I will have to be the "bad guy" because I am the only one.

My response was intended to challenge the OP's assertion that her prior relationship with her mother had been "fairly good." I doubted it. I suspect her prior relationship with her mother was good as long as the OP did nothing to disturb her mother's serenity. And since that serenity is now well and truly buggered by factors which are in no way her fault, there is nothing that the OP can do to restore it.

The sense of panic you get when you believe that the anger, distress, frustration, pain, dissatisfaction being shown by your loved one are somehow your fault or your responsibility to put right seems to me to be symptomatic of a poor relationship. That's the point.

And Myownlife, if you really feel like that about your mother, don't accept POA. Your much younger adult daughter might be better placed to manage it, for example; or, if that's not an acceptable idea, perhaps you'd better "arm's length" it through a professional service.

Countrymouse, I think you make some really valid points. And you are right, it has always been "seen" by the family that I am Mom's "golden child" and that I can do no wrong and that my brother (passed away 2 years ago) and his side of the family and my children have always seen that "according to Mom, I can do no wrong". What none of them understand is that until the last few years, I did not realize it and did not "see " what they saw. But once I understood, I tried to make it clear that it was not my fault.... I never asked for that, and when mom started talking about each one of our family (only to me... the safe person), I made her stop it.

But, there have always been arguments along the way growing up into adulthood, which ended in a few days of not speaking (phone) and then one of us would call and start speaking again. No resolution, just talking as if nothing was wrong. But it was always the undertone, that Mom was right, about everything. I can remember my dad walking out of the room when he and mom had an argument, and I feel the same. I do not like confrontation, but now she is in my house which I try to share but she does all of these underhanded, sneaky snide things around ME only. She walks by me from the living room to kitchen for example and whispers some snide remark under her breath. Yet at other times, because she is still in really good health for 93, we will go out to dinner and have a really good time. But at home, she wants my attention whenever I am not working. She wants us all sitting down for dinner at the same time and if I'm working late on my computer, I may go off to my office to eat and work.

As far as POA, I will tuck those ideas somewhere in my brain right now and hold onto them because maybe in the future, I may need to do that. But for now, we went to an attorney maybe 7 months ago to get her will updated and all the POA/Living Will /Will. documents updated and talked to an elder care attorney about that and her house and car. Mom is not rich but she does own her house and car and some money in the bank. I would like to see her sell the house and car and stay here with me.... for awhile.... and if things are more difficult than we can manage, then look at an ALF. But that house is the one she has had for about 55 years and her things mean a lot to her. Actually all of that mean more to her than her family. I even thought about her getting a nearby senior apartment and be able to bring a bunch of her things with her. But we have a lot more discussion to do first. What I don't want to see happen is her going back to living in her home (3 hours away) because there is no support system there for her, no friends, no family... it would be a case of waiting for an accident to happen and hopefully she would press the button on her medical alert around her neck to get help...... right now, we are in a wait and see, and soon to talk about things.... again.

Dear Demstress,
You said that "with all the medication that she takes her personality has certainly changed." I would certainly be suspicious of how the meds are affecting her mind if she was different before she was taking them. Meds, especially multiple meds interacting, can surely affect a person's personality. If it is meds or dementia, it's not really your mom saying the hurtful stuff, it's the meds or her confusion. Soooooo hard to make that distinction and not be personally affected; just takes practice and constant reminding yourself it's not really her saying it, and that she doesn't really have full control over her own feelings or words; if indeed she does not.........Bless you and I pray wisdom to discern the root of the problem here, so you can know how to deal with it!

You are in a really rough situation as far as I can see. But the first thing that struck me is: does your Mom see a doctor regularly? If so, Mom sounds quite a bit depressed by her situation. Maybe she could use a little help in that area? Not too late to try. Mom knows that you will be there no matter what. But that's because you let her think that. Maybe a little backbone in dealing with her would go a long way. If I were you, I would ease up on my attentiveness. Don't come when the bell rings because, as you would tell her, you were busy. You are too accessible. Maybe then, Mom would realize how really good she has it and may stop complaining. I know my Mom did. Good luck.

CountryMouse is spot on. Well before my mother developed most of her illnesses, she let her widowed sister live with her. They certainly had aches and pains and were so happy when my daughter visited them several times, calling her "a breath of fresh air." However, my mother belittled her own granddaughter when she had a one-time chance to take a trip to visit friends who were living in Alaska. My mother, instead of being happy for her granddaughter, kept droning on and on and on "how she should have been with her grandmother." So yes, elders are quite possibly envious of youth.

Demstress,
It's practically impossible, in the beginning, to NOT CARE what parents think or say. But that's exactly what you have to do. Just don't have her opinion matter.
Weird doing that with your Mom, huh? But, at this point, it's more detrimental for you to answer her.

Don't explain, justify or question her. Of course, if she has a question you can answer it, but the fact that she seems to want to engage you in a dominant-mother put-down discussion, should not be allowed to happen.

You need to find a way not to respond (walking out, changing subject, shrugging shoulders with a "hmmmmm", whatever you need to do to NOT be sucked in to her demeaning conversation.

You've also got to not CARE how she feels about you or your family. DON'T respond to statements. Any statement to make you feel bad should be ignored because it's not healthy.

My son and I would fight years ago and I explained it to my therapist. She said, "You can't have an argument with only one person talking. DON'T take the bait."
It was really hard to not just jump right in, but, with practice, it can be done.
It feels like we are ignoring our moms but we are actually ignoring her bad behavior.


The last thing is you've got to get over the guilt. It's a mighty tool that lots of narcissists use to get what they want. You are providing a wonderful life for your folks. There is no reason guilt should be part of your feelings. You have done nothing wrong.

Please start practicing the new responses so you can reap the benefits sooner rather than later.
An added benefit is that it will put Mom in her place and give you a sense of strength and well being.

I'm an only child too and my folks did everything they could to put me down (you're fat, your hair looks bad, you didn't get straight A's like your friend Patty, etc.). Mother was a sales lady and dad was a TV repair man. Both were alcoholics but more or less functioning day to day.
I moved out at 18 and became a nurse without their help, and decided that I didn't give a rats tail what either one of them thought or said. I loved them but I saw how they played the game to make me feel "less" of what they were. I just adopted a philosophy that I WAS somebody and they could say what they wanted. I knew the truth.

Sorry to be so long winded. I just hate to see hard working, self sacrificing carers being berated by their own folks who are profiting by your hard work.
You're worth so much more.

One more thing I will add to my original answer is that you feel compelled because you think you can reason with her. And then you’re surprised it doesn’t work. It never will! be prepared with ways to respond. There are also great videos on YouTube on how to respond to a narcissist besides reading the book I recommended to you.

Texasgal—- I agree.🙂

BarbBrooklyn - I think it was you I said this to before, but whether it was or not, I have to ask are you the sister I never had???? I've always told others that 4 hours is my maximum with our mother. During a visit with niece and her boyfriend at mother's condo, I went to pick them up for the day. Mother managed to snap at me, in my face, so I walked out and sat in the car. When they came out, I repeated my usual 4 hour statement and her boyfriend says 'That was only about 10 minutes!' My response to him was that I stated that was my MAXIMUM, I never stated the minimum!!! In general, now with dementia, a few hours is enough (usually my back dictates going home) but if we have a Dr appt - egads, it is WORSE than dealing with my kids when they were little (kind of wrong analogy, my kids were not really difficult.) I often have said that if I was physically able to take her in, one of us would probably end up dead and it would likely be me!!! Thankfully that was never considered - logistics, repairs and my physical condition would not allow her to live here!!!

As for demstress:
It is very hard not to respond to the complaints.
It is very painful to take the insults and guilt laid upon us.
It is very hurtful to do your best and deal with criticism of what you do.

It really doesn't matter so much where this behavior is coming from. If it is dementia, it would be good for you to know only so that you can educate yourself about what to expect as it progresses. Bottom line is knowing WHY will not really help you get past her scathing criticisms. YOU know that you are doing your best to make life comfortable for your parents. If she does not seem pleased, it is more likely just her, not something you are doing wrong. You more than likely will not be able to change her behavior, so this is where you have to learn how to let the guilt, complaints and criticism slide off and work on keeping your composure no matter what she says. If she has a legitimate complaint, say the "right" colored water pitcher is empty - apologize for the oversight and correct the situation (my guess is you will not have much of anything to apologize for, but ONLY for legitimate complaints!!)

It will take a bit of effort on your part and a lot of practice, but it will get easier each time, even just a little bit each time, if you work on de-stressing! Once in a while you will slip and have these feelings again, but like a diet, don't let a slide make you give up!! Sometimes no response is the best response. Sometimes a neutral response is best (aka don't accept any blame, just make a matter-of-fact statement that you will get to whatever she's demanding. No time frame given.) I did like several responses others made, regarding the color of the pitcher (clear is one, or if you're really thirsty, you have water there is a pitcher right there!) and either lying in the bed or suggesting a NH bed when she makes that comment is better! However, those last two are rather snide, and probably should be avoided, but it did make me smile! Perhaps what might work best is to excuse yourself, you forgot something, you'll be back in a few minutes. Then leave the room and let her sit for a bit and dwell on it. Have a nice cup of tea and when you feel composed again, try a restart. If she is still cranky, let her crank away. Tune it out (it isn't easy, but it can be done!!!) Do what you have to do then leave the room again. If you continue to leave when she cranks, she should eventually get the idea that she'll be alone if she keeps it up. Even if it does not work for her, it WILL remove you from the negativity. All the while, remind yourself that none of this is NOT your fault, you ARE doing an amazing job taking care of two adults and like Isabelle2012 said: "Guilt should only be felt when you've actually done something that you know is wrong - not when someone SAYS you're guilty just because they didn't get their way." Deep breath and let that guilt slide away!!

Don't let the "Don't Bee" ruin your day or life!

What struck me what you said is that prior you saw her a few times a year and had a good relationship . .that is far different then being with someone on a daily basis..I don't think your mom has really changed except for age and related issues with possible dementia but it is the wise old phrase of you truly do not know a person til you live with them