I'm not saying that I am the perfect example of positive behavior but geez...every single time I talk to my elderly mother, she's so angry, annoyed and depressed. My Mom and I don't even live on the same side of the country and she can still push my emotions like no one else. I have an up coming trip to visit for the holidays and I already feel like its going to be awful. The first 2-3 days is always nice and calm but then the storm comes. She gets irritated, needy, and annoyed at everything. She will make no suggestions and give lots of negative opinions on anything we do that doesn't interest her. What can I do to make my visit with her better?
If the travelling distance makes it hardly worth going for only 3 days, can you turn it into a kind of royal progress and drop in on some other family and friends on your way there or back?
I don't even visit my SON and his family for more than the 3nights 4 days length of time. We do a 'long weekend' pack it with activities and then split on Tuesday morning. Any longer and I simply can't behave myself. The longer trips, we have stayed at a hotel about a mile away from them, which is crazy since they have 3 extra bedrooms. I need a place to go where they are not. And they feel the same way about coming here.
Sounds like you have zero reason for staying beyond 3 days. Do you come home exhausted, angry and depressed? Well--that's your answer. Don't stay so long.
And, no, she will never have a better outlook on life.
My mother lived her entire life with a miserable attitude and there was nothin & nobody gonna change it. She was a half empty glass kinda gal. She had a lot of great things in life, but she just did not see it that way; she saw her life as riddled with what 'could have been but wasn't' and what she 'should have had but didn't', which left her blaming everyone on earth for her troubles, when her finger should have been pointed INWARD.
You can't fix your mother so work on fixing what you CAN, instead. Which is the length of your visit.
Best of luck.
You’re far away but maybe shorten visits from now on? I understand that feeling that one has to go too…it’s kind of a no win but picking the least bad option all around.
It’s so true you can’t make anyone happy. This took me DECADES to figure out. Mom leaned on me to magically bolster her up and that role was so ingrained I only realized that recently.
Are there any escapes you can do for yourself when you do visit this time? Something pleasant just for you.
Good luck!
My "uncle George" on the other hand, had one arm since WWII when he lost it, and was THE most positive human on the face of the earth up until he died on 12/4 just shy of his 102nd birthday. He lived in the same ALF as my folks did, had no chronic complaints, no bitter attitude, in spite of failing health, mobility issues, all sorts of things. He was on hospice care the past 5 months and didn't even complain THEN. He walked through life with a smile on his face, even when he was taking care of his sick wife of 75 years.
People in general, including elders in chronic pain, choose their attitude in life. I don't believe depression 'comes with the territory' for 'poor elders' b/c their old and sad, and why wouldn't they be? Some of the happiest people I've known were old and falling apart, and some of the most miserable were in good health and had more than they could ever want or need in life.
Just sayin'.
You know from past experiences what will happen if you stay longer.
I would love to tell you that there is always hope that things will be different ‘this’ time. People don’t change overnight!
I am a realist and not a Pollyanna! I don’t see why she would behave any differently than before.
It’s so sad when parents resent that their children moved away. The only thing that they accomplish by doing this is pushing their children even further away from them because the children don’t want to hear the same old sad song.
Both of my daughters lived in different states for a time. I purposely didn’t tell them, ‘I miss you. I wish that you still lived here. When are you coming to visit? Blah, Blah, Blah.’
Instead when they called I said, What fun things have you been doing? Send me pictures of your adventures! I am so glad to hear that you are making new friends,’ and so on.
They were so happy to send photos to my phone, tell me all about the new experiences in their lives, face time with me. It was fun!
Yes, I missed them but I never felt like I lost them.
My grandmother wrote letters to her son, my uncle, when he moved to another state. She felt just like I did. She wanted my uncle to be happy in his new home. My uncle happily wrote back to my grandmother.
My grandma was pleasant all of her life. She remained that way.
My husband’s grandmother was never pleasant a day in her life. Sadly, she died alone. Why? Well, one of the many reasons is that she wrote nasty, mean hate filled letters from her death bed telling us how rotten we all were!
Most people want to make peace before they leave this world. Not her! She was simply too cruel to be around. She drove everyone away. Of course, she couldn’t or wouldn’t see that it was her behavior. She blamed everything on everyone else. So be it.
My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart. He begged her to see a psychiatrist to talk and get medication. She said that she didn’t need medication.
Sometimes, it’s a hopeless situation. So, go for a couple of days. Then say, ‘ I am so sorry mom. Something has come up and as much as I would like to stay longer, I really can’t. Talk soon. I love you.’ Then exit!
Best wishes to you during this holiday season.
Why would she change, obviously she is happy or not with who she is.
My mother exactly, hypochondriac, hysterical, narcissistic, miserable.
I wanted to be opposite, which she did not approve as she wanted me to be like her.
Some people will never be happy no matter what, and it's not your job to try and make your mother happy, so just try your very best to not get sucked into her negativity, and decide now that you're going to have a nice time no matter what.
AND GET A HOTEL ROOM!
she won’t change. some people feel good when they dump their negativity on others. the listener will feel heavier, be in a bad mood. she’ll feel lighter.
the pattern will happen again and again. worse, the older she gets.
and your attitude to her attitude?
try to protect your peace of mind. it’s clear you love her, but protect your peace as well.
hug!!
🙂 they say, it’s all about attitude! 🙂 you just continue your good attitude. you be you. AND protect your peace of mind.
you know best how to protect your peace of mind. 🙂
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