Hello Fellow Caregivers!
I have posted on this forum (under different usernames, as I can never remember what I use) and have been reading this forum for many years. Many times just for support in knowing we’re not alone. Many of you have been so helpful and supportive.
Today I come to you with a question! What are your thoughts on caring for a MIL who has been nothing but nasty and berating to you your entire marriage if you didn’t play puppet in her little games?
Below is some of the back story.
I don’t not like my MIL, but I don’t not like her. Make sense? She can be “okay” but only sometimes. She’s mostly impossible and difficult to deal with. Always has been, but obviously has gotten worse with age.
She is very sick, end of life and lives alone. I’m not a doctor but I don’t see her living to 2023. She has no other family except her son as no one else will talk to her due to her verbal, emotional and mental abuse over the years.
I do her for shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry when I can.
She wants me to be her primary caregiver as her son cannot care for her in the way she needs. I understand that.
I refuse to be her primary caregiver and have told her this many times over the years. It’s not for me! No shame for me in that.
The truth is, if she was a nice woman to me all these years, I would be doing a lot more. I have forgiven but I did not forget how she made all these lies up and told my husband not to marry me many years ago a few months before our wedding.
Now that her time has come, she wants my help. The DIL she didn’t want her son to marry in the first place.
Would you help her? Would you help an in-law who has verbally, mentally and emotionally abused you for years?
I actually think you do enough for her. For me, toileting was the worst. I prayed everyday to please not have a #2 today. Showering, always afraid she would fall and really didn't like the intimate side. That was my mother. If MIL...I would have had to have a much better relationship with her. If she can afford it, have her hire an aide. So my answer is No, I would not care for someone who was abusive to me for years.
I to can forgive but I never forget.
Mainly because nope, I would not. But also partly because vulnerable people (no matter what their past failings) deserve to be cared for by people who don't harbour major negative feelings towards them, and for the particular person I have in mind that wouldn't include me. Never mind how I feel about caring for her, she deserves more than I can offer.
Of course she wants your help.
If you decide to work for / with her in any capacity, be prepared for the same behavior / communication from her that you have experienced in the past.
She will not change.
You will need to decide how you want to be treated / respected and set boundaries if you do not get your needs met.
You need to ask yourself the question you are asking us. Why are you considering working / helping her? Is it guilt, low self-esteem, need the money, if there is any provided, you need to feel you are 'helpful' as this makes you feel good about yourself? You need to do some soul searching and honor your self / your feelings.
During all of this, I came to see another side. He and I became so close that I even ended up calling him Dad. My own father had died many years before. We eventually moved them to be close to us, then 3 weeks after they moved here, we found out he had stage 4 liver cancer. I was his only caregiver, and it was a lot of work taking him to so many Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, and so much more. I came to love him as a second father and he was SO grateful for the relationship we grew into. He died 6 months after they moved here. I came to understand that the reason he did not want mom to help me was because he was SO worried about there being enough money for her to be taken care of after he was gone.
Now... for your situation, only you can determine if there is any chance for healing or if she is still just a toxic mess that would suck the life out of you. If you do help more and she does the same thing, like my pastor said, "You are required to forgive, but aren't required to throw yourself in front of a speeding train." There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting.
Good luck, God bless you as you make the decision that is right for you.
I have decided to not help, something I always knew in my heart to be true. Guilt led me here. I have also reconsidered stopping what I was doing prior as she continues to berate me and speak ill of me behind my back. She also uses me to do things for her to remain a sense of control over me and her son. (It’s just such sick behavior. Narcissists are sick in the head!)
In my heart, I know I am unable to properly care for her in the way she needs due to my incapacity to have compassion for her any longer, in any situation. She deserves more.
In more recent interactions I’ve learned to hang up when she starts getting in a certain mood. If I’m visiting in person, I set a specific time frame of how long I’ll stay. I don’t visit in person to spend time any longer, I’m usually dropping something off or picking something up. That time frame is 15 minutes.
I am very cordial to her when I do have to interact with her. I smile and am very polite. The relationship is completely on my terms. She no longer runs the show!
Yay! So you're considering stopping the shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry?
Please keep us updated -- we're on your side!
MIL is in late stage dementia, had a TIA stroke and has CHF, depends on me for pretty much everything. She doesn’t remember what our relationship was for the past 40 years. I find that it’s so ironic that “I” will be the last one standing making all the decisions about my MIL & BIL life & death. FIL passed in 2008. Doesn’t look like BIL Pete will live pass 2022. My hubby will give me a wide berth once MIL passes. She has pre-filled out a form from the funeral palor on what she wants done for her & her son Barry. Luckily, she hasn’t paid for these services, so it’s basically her last wishes on a checklist…..NOT including the casket, opening the grave and chiseling the death dates…. Came to over $14,000.00. Yeah, no, that ain’t happening. As the family plot is about 1200 miles away, she wants to have her body flown up so she can be buried with her husband, daughter & son. I, of course tell her yes,yes,and yes. Me, the DIL that wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t ‘blood family’ her words ( what does that even MEAN?) is the one who will have her cremated. If, I get up north, I will spread her ashes on the family plot.
Call me cruel, but I spent 3 years of my life taking care of this woman, even in the beginning when she still had lucid moments & was so demanding. I do not feel in the least bit remorseful for how I plan on getting in the last word.