My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
do my hubby and I. We have been married for nearly seven years, four of them have been taken up caring for my father in our home. I’ll be honest here. I stopped loving my father a long tIme ago, He was a hard brutal man in our childhood, now he is a snivelling irritating burden but I was left with no choice but to bring him to live with us when my adored mother died. He has outlived all his siblings ( 5 brothers ) and will possibly live another ten years. I honestly believe the more that we wish our parents to die, the longer they live.
I don’t want to die, I just want him to be at peace so that he isn’t suffering anymore
For five days, I would load up dads wheelchair and we'd take the drive to the hospital.
Mom was in a medically induced coma, and dad would get so upset seeing her that way. So I'd ask if he wanted to stay, and in tears, he'd say, "No, I can't see her like this." we really didn't think she would die. So we'd leave and repeat the process the next day.
On day five, they started the process of waking her up, and that morning, the nurse told me she was doing good. Great news, So, I lined up a cab company to take dad to visit her because I needed to get back home and back to work set things back in order and I'd come back soon to visit with her.
I had only about two hours left in my drive home when the nurse called and said mom crashed, and they were trying to get her back (not her words, honestly I can't remember exactly what she said)Then I got another call, the doctor asked me if I wanted them to continue and I said no.... I'm in tears remembering this.. I've only told my daughter and a few friends, I felt like I killed her.
I called my friends again and said, "Please pray that God will take mom if she's going to be in a vegetative state." The docor called me back within minutes, God took her home.
The guilt I felt at being so selfish, putting my work and family before my mom lasted weeks. Everyone can tell you no you also have a life to live, doesn't help in the moment. But they are right.
big hugs my friend.
When she passes, they will be outta my life and that part I'm really looking forward to.
Why my sister has to pick this week to cause her drama ,when mom is already not herself because her favorite is out of the country is beyond me!!
You would think she would want to pitch in and help, not make my life harder
with our Dad. If it wasn’t for my husband, I’d be totally in a mental asylum.
I spoke to a nurse a few days ago about her current condition. I told her she was declining and somehow or another I ended up with an appointment with a dietician, I guess because she wanted to think she did something.
I told the dietician that she’s not eating and lost a lot of weight. I said I didn’t think there was much to be done about the diet of a 96 year old in decline. She looked at me as if I had two heads. In my humble opinion no diet modification is going to make a damn bit of difference anymore. But at least I was able to change her breakfast cereal from Cheerios to corn flakes, maybe that will fix it all.
I am so tired of this slow motion decline and wish my mother was finally out of her misery. It is horrible to watch this.
Eating more is not going to help your mother gain weight . As you know she is declining . Sounds like cachexia . This was happening to my FIL end of last year , then he came down with Covid New Year’s Day . Died 5 days later .
It is awful to watch the wasting away .
Ask them to give her somethlng for the anxiety . And for pain as well if needed . Palliative care in SNF can basically do the same as hospice as far as meds .
Or You could ask for hospice eval also if Medicaid in NY pays for that in SNF . Idk , some states do some don’t .
YOU should be RUNNING to a divorce lawyer . Get rid of both of them .
I still feel sad that she lingered so long that we had no choice but to place her. Wished my father did not insist that she have that pacemaker implanted two years ago. She and her family were all miserable because of it.
I am not sure if I am grieving but little things tug at me me like when I opened her purse and found all her hearing aid batteries. I will miss her and am trying to remember the good times and not the awful ones and am trying to block the past five years from my memory bank.
In the end it is your subconscious that is trying to find a way for you to survive emotionally. And unless you survive emotionally, you become sick physically.
So instead of perhaps starting to think that you are such a terrible person, I would love to recommend watching Tim Fletcher on You Tube.
It is the most helpful thing and a life saver to get you to understand where you yourself are, and why.
I have been praying for her to pass for months now. I get it. And it's normal. It doesn't make you a bad person. It means you care about her happiness and don't see any other way for her to be happy.
She's on her own journey. Perhaps she still has things to learn and going through this painful experience will bring her some understanding and peace at the very end. You will too.
I'll share a quick story that might help.
My mom hasn't cried in 20 years. Not even when my dad died. She wished she could but because of her medications, and her adeptness at denial, she just couldn't shed a tear. Then last week, after we moved her to a new care facility and she realized she was there for good, she SOBBED. And sobbed. And sobbed. I have never seen her cry like that in my entire life. Something finally broke free and she was able to comprehend her situation and her loss. It was so painful to watch, but it was a necessary part of her journey. I wouldn't be surprised if she passes away soon. It felt that significant.
Be patient. Trust the process. And most importantly, take care of yourself. By witnessing her pain you are learning how important it is for you to focus on your own happiness.