Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.

She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.

I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.

I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".

Burnout End of Life Relationships

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No it is not wrong to hope someone dies..
if you know your LO is not happy within the body, and you feel the screaming from within...
they don't want to do this anymore..

thought mine was sleeping. Best friend asked how long was he in a coma for...?

What? Coma? I was in denial... he didn't want to do this anymore.:
Hospice can be wonderful...

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Reply to MAYDAY

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After almost 8 years providing care for a spouse with early onset dementia, whose health is good because of the care I provide I completely understand your feelings. Many times I have prayed that he would be called home. Many times I have prayed that one of us will be called home soon, adding myself because at least that would provide a break for me (assuming the religious beliefs are correct).

I was unable to keep working, missed many hours of work until they let me go because of surgeries (broken leg, triple bypass, colon cancer removal, colonoscopies, hospitalizations, and medical appointments. We fight over him not wanting to take his prescribed meds. He struggles to sign his name, cannot comprehend bills, time of day, temperatures, weather, or dates. He can dress himself and changes outfits up to 6 times daily, including shoes. He insists on wearing an undershirt, tshirt, polo, long-sleeve shirt, and heavy jacket when he goes out and attempts to mow the lawn, arguing with me if I try to get him to wear less. He can no longer follow the plot in movies or conversations. He has a 30% hearing loss. He struggles to use his cell phone, can no longer do puzzles, struggles to read, and is starting to have difficulty getting his shoes laced correctly and put on. He does not want shoes with velcro.

He confabulates big time! Anything he sees on TV becomes part of his reality, including his past. Anytime we meet people, he has worked where they work and been where they have been. When he sees a picture, he has been there. He is currently building a trans-continental railroad not only across the US from Florida to California, but also clear to England. He wants to be helpful, but cannot follow any sort of direction, even if it is just pointing a finger. He goes through the trash and spreads out any discarded mail all over the house. If I don't stay on top of the dishes, I will often find dirty and greasy dishes put back in the cupboards.

I am on disability due to an unrepaired Achille's tendon (now missing) and require a rollator to walk. I am overwhelmed and resentful since he was diagnosed just 15 months after we got married. Fortunately he does not wander, but is fixated on having a dog. I am allergic to the dander in addition to the fur for both dogs and cats. I do not need any additional responsibilities. He isn't watering the tomato plants he bought. He is resentful that he no longer has car keys (we sold the 2nd vehicle), and thinks that if we just buy another car he can drive again. He shouldn't have passed his driver's license renewal last time, but the gal coached him (too much) through the street signs and their meanings.

We have no family nearby, so it is basically on me. I have given my own children instructions that when I meet certain criteria they are to take me to Oregon where assisted suicide is legal, and terminate me. I refuse to put anyone else in the situation in which I find myself.

I understand the desire for it to all be finished.

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Reply to SongbirdYellow

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P.S. I replied, not knowing it was old. I guess I should have looked more thoroughly, but in my introduction email this was the first topic presented, which is probably why it keeps getting responses.

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BelleFleur posted this in March, 2012. People keep replying. What I want to know is if the person that BelleFleur was hoping would die has passed. If not, I'd consider that proof that wishing that someone would die is pointless. It's been 14 years!

Could someone please tell her that it's not wrong to hope someone dies????

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Reply to Fawnby

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Maybe this thread could be moved to the Discussion section. It's an evergreen topic.

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I have a friend who is so burnt out by her demanding 95-year old mother that she recently said that after her caregiving sentence ends she never wants to care for another living thing ever again.

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Reply to Danielle123

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I recently went through this when my mother fell and broke her ankle. Before the cardiologist would sign off on the surgery, he recommended placement of a pacemaker. My mother and I both initially refused the pacemaker but it became apparent that the orthopedic surgeon wasn't going to perform the surgery on her ankle. There didn't seem like any other options so we decided to go for the pacemaker. It was very difficult and emotional to go through with it because we both knew that she would prefer to just go on and pass away. She's recovering pretty well but she still hopes that she'll go to bed one night and never wake up. Because of our faith in God and hope for a glorious future, my siblings and I don't dread her passing. We do get some strange looks sometimes though.

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Reply to Tdeveaux

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She needs to go into care so you can limit the amount of time dedicated to meeting her needs. It’s too much to ask you to continue to help her when she heaps abuse onto you & won’t help herself. If she’s already in care, it’s time to establish boundaries, limit visits & allow the staff to do the caregiving tasks she wants you to do. She won’t be any more miserable than she is now but you, my dear, will be taking care of your own health & well-being which is more important at this point in both of your lives.

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Reply to Retty1

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My mom died about 10 days ago. I miss who she was before dementia and other infirmities diminished her and the quality of her life, and I'm sorry for my sister, who was very close to mom. But I'm also relieved that mom has died. The final 14 months of her life, especially, were not easy on her or anyone.

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Reply to Rosered6

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I miss the man my father was and I grieve him. But in the 5 weeks he’s been gone i feel a huge boulder was released from my shoulders. I am sleeping better and feel better emotionally. it is just a relief that he’s gone and the ordeal is finally over. It was a long slog.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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I don't think its abnormal to want peace and light!
My spouse has FTD and I am his fulltime caregiver. I'm exhausted and I feel like a prisoner in a mental institution. Do I want this suffering to end? Yes, yes I do.

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Reply to StandSteadfast

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I am beginning to think it is normal that we feel sad, frustrated and sometimes think our parents passing is better for them vs. suffering and being sad. My mother is in a very nice senior living place yet she is not happy, misses family and although she fears dying - sometimes she even thinks it is better and I do too which makes me feel guilty. She is normally super sweet but then she snaps at me and I have to remind myself that she is sick, dementia is setting in and it has to be very frustrating for her. Then when she gets sick she says I don’t want to die. I wish I had the answer. I dread that final call but simultaneously I think sometimes it is better for an elderly parent to pass than to keep suffering. I wish I had an acceptable answer.

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Reply to Sunny164

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I work very hard to have a good attitude and just accept that this is my lot in life for now. But inevitably I just get so so so tired that I just don't care about anything and wish like Hell my father would just die. Besides Dementia and being wobbly and never remembering to use a walker on his own he is in basically perfect health at 93 years old. My siblings and I take turns staying with him and for the last year or so have paid caregivers for a few hours Monday through Friday. I know I have it so much easier than others but I am exhausted by it and its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess that is him moving into a nursing home or memory care place or dying. And then I feel like a terrible person that I wish this. But that is where I am at. At least sometimes. And I don't wish it for his well being as he seems fine. I wish it for my own well being. If you want to know how really crappy my thinking gets sometimes I think sometimes it is me or him. There is just so much effort into managing him and his home and all the appointments...I just don't feel there is much left for taking care of myself and then I feel resentment and like I am killing myself to keep someone alive and happy who has already lived a long life and I am just waiting to live mine. I had 15 years of a very sick and demanding mother before this. Everyone said oh he will not live long after her death because men never do...that was five years ago. So I get to this point and then I pull myself back from the brink and do things to make me happy...but then it is my turn to be there or there is some other crisis like a UTI or such and then I am inevitably back in a dark place. So I don't think it is crazy to look forward to their death. I know it sounds bad but until you live through it you won't get it.

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Reply to hastalacorona

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My situation mirrored yours. I had a difficult mother too and a father who died in slow motion. My father outlived my mother by two years. And my sisters and I were also dealing with the family home for years. There was always a crises that came up at the worst possible times, Just want to write that you are not alone. I was very frustrated with the situation and I couldn't wait for it to be finally over.

You've done well keeping your father home for as long as you have, but it might be time to place your father either in AL or a nursing home. It's not a perfect solution by any means, you will just be trading in one set of problems for another. But it would easier on you and your siblings.

I learned during my slog that the focus in caregiving should not be solely on the person needing the care but also has to factor in the needs of the family members giving it and when it is time to seek other options.

I wish you peace as you navigate this. It's hard.

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I received a call from the hospice nurse at the nursing that my father is now on oxygen and his vitals are low. I am hopeful the end is finally near for his sake. My sisters are with him. I've decided not to fly back again. I said my good byes last week when I visited and am okay with this. I feel bad that I am so frustrated by his slow motion death.

Prayers for him are welcome.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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I wish him a comfortable, peaceful passing and relief for you and your family.

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So very glad to know that I am not alone with this one. I am so exhausted that I can barely see straight!

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Reply to Downpounds70

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I actually asked my father’s hospice nurse last week how much longer my father had. She was a little surprised about my straightforwardness and detachment about my father’s slow motion demise.

I don’t have an ounce of feeling left about this. The man is bed bound, sleeps most of the time I’m visiting, stares off into space when he is awake and does not care about anything. He’s dead now as far as I’m concerned.

I just wish this would finally end so I can move on. Can’t stand it anymore.

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Yesterday mom’s doctor at her skilled nursing facility assured me she believes mom has many, many years left to live with vascular dementia, moving to the memory care ward if necessary. She wouldn’t consider mom end stage until she forgets how to eat and drink and becomes minimally verbal. She was trying to be reassuring, but that’s actually a very dark picture for me, and not the life mom wants. For both of our sakes, I am hoping her body fails before she gets to that stage. I would love for her to go out peacefully before she needs memory care. As it is, she needs maximum support for ADLs, is incontinent, has pain that is difficult to manage, and struggling to use a basic big button remote. She’s had two falls in six weeks. I feel like I’ve optimized her care as much as possible and we’re both exhausted.

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Reply to HappyGarden

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I'm in the boat of taking the great care of my mom in the context of pallative but hoping she dies soon. I seen her condition as suffering. Wishing for something is normal as long as you don't act on it. Knowing she's closer to the end I've begun splurging on her. I upgraded her medical care to a concierge geriatric doctor .I want her comfortable but I do pray for a sooner death over a longer term death. That's not bad , its caring.

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Reply to firsttimer1

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All of these stories are exactly why my husband and I (80 and 75, respectively) desperately want to find a source of legal fentanyl to have on hand BEFORE we find ourselves warehoused in a nursing home. Going peacefully asleep in one's own bed is a far better alternative than years of being a financial and emotional burden to ourselves and our loved ones.

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Reply to Sheila23

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Me too! Fentanyl is a better alternative to throwing oneself out a window.

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A school friend had a sister who had with the family ( not friends) a temper that went from zero to one million in about 3 seconds!
the family said she was aways kicking off - them waiting for ww3 to arrive. She caught brain tumour that couldn’t be operated on and that increased her poor behaviour to her family
she was given a couple months to live and by the end of those couple months the family were relieved for her to go
It’s understandable when anyone’s. Coping with poor behaviour
That said - wouldn’t it be nice if your mother could go into some form of care and release you to only visit her - the dynamics of the relationship could get positive ?
don’t feel bad about thinking tvat- you are and have been coping fur a while but feel the emotion and then let it go - the more power u attach to it the worse the symptoms ( stress-anger etc) will be
speak to her dr - speak to charities find out your options
and stop agreeing everything asked of you

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Reply to Jenny10

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Would you want someone to wish that for you. Reaping and sowing is real. If she's on medicare or medicaid get her home health care, a skilled nurse and physical therapy. It's all free. They will cook, clean, wash clothes, wash dishes, take her for a walk, talk kind to her, bathe her, and help her with toileting, and clothe her. Just do it. They can help her and you can rest

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Reply to Sharethaj

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I don't know how much caregiving you do, but that's how it is on this site. It gets raw because it is anonymous and there is no place else to voice how you actually feel.

You are so out of touch. Medicare does not pay for in-home care. Medicaid provides some but on a limited basis. Lots of luck getting anyone decent who works for a Medicaid agency. That was my experience.

After many years of putting someone else first, there are a lot of us who wish that part of our lives to finally resolve. Refrain from judging others. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way.

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I understand how you feel. I am feeling the same way for both me and my husband. I am seeking an assisted living where I could stay as a healthy spouse, but to tell you the truth, I wish this part of my life would resolve.

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Reply to donnabeams

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Hospice doesn't ALWAYS mean 3-6 months to live. You can get hospice help for dementia. My sister and I did some research and my mother with dementia is currently on hospice. There are different levels of hospice care and dementia is included. Not sure where you are located but check Gentiva Hospice.

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Reply to Treese

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I wish my father wasn't dying in slow motion. His mind is gone but his body just keeps going. What is the point?

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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I know how you feel. My father is also dying in slow motion. He has mind but his body has stopped. He can't see, hear, feed himself, raise himself, go to the bathroom, etc. He is totally helpless in body but he keeps saying if he can just eat enough (although he has no appetite), he will be back to normal in a short while. At this point I don't know which is worse... having a mind with a body that doesn't function or having a body with a mind that doesn't function. Either way it's a really hard thing to witness.

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I’ve often wished that my husband could have had a fatal heart attack instead of vascular dementia and Parkinson’s. Not that I wanted any of these things for him but if he had to have one, a heart attack would be better than the misery we are suffering now.
It is hard to see a man, so intelligent and capable, having had a long career managing complex and expensive projects, decline to the point that he cannot navigate an iPhone or tv remote.
He knows enough to know that he doesn’t want to live like this. He’s in the mid-stages of the disease. But short term memory and executive function continue to decline. He has always been a negative “glass half empty “ kind of person. Nothing I can do improves his life or makes him happy. It’s been like that our entire marriage. He is miserable. I won’t allow myself to be miserable. But yes, a peaceful passing into the afterlife would be a blessing, for him and for me and his daughters.

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Reply to Yesterdayanurse

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Oh my word! My husband also has dementia and Parkinson's. He is in moderate stage but seems to be progressing rapidly. He is 81 and I am 73. The symptoms have progressed so rapidly, I am still in shock. All of our 48 years of marriage have been rocky. He also has always been a negative, angry person. About 8 years ago I discovered he had a porn addiction. That discovery lead to other discoveries. He had a 2 year affair with an ex girlfriend early in our marriage, and a few other rondeveuxs. I never suspected anything because he professed to be a strong Christian, quoting the bible, going to church, taking the kids to church, etc. We did therapy and he attended sex addiction support groups as he was diagnosed with a sex addiction. It was devastating but we managed to stay together and he radically changed his sex addict behavior and really repented, begged me to not divorce him.
Just when I thought things were finally behind us after 6 years, he develops PD and dementia. I saw the memory issues first, then the shuffling gait, loss of balance and blank stares started. Now I am noticing tremors. He also has very odd behavior such as picking up every small crumb off the floor or the counter or picking up small insignificant objects off the ground when outside. He is oblivious to this odd obsessive behavior! He wears dirty clothes and just doesn't care about his appearance anymore. He is a shrunken old man. Falls asleep off and on all day long. He is not the same person. Cannot use his phone, remote, microwave. Cannot take care of finances or drive. I feel like I am in a constant nightmare! I feel so resentful and the anger from all his past betrayal is surfacing. I cannot sleep well and have chronic anxiety. We moved 2000 miles away from home to live near our daughter and grandkids, so I have no friends or support. My daughter is nearby but is busy with 3 small children. I cannot even tolerate being around my husband but must keep up the house, cook, clean, pay bills, schedule repairs, drive him everywhere. I feel like I am being punished. I find myself wishing I would have filed for divorce 8 years ago. Now I am stuck. I pray every day for God to give me strength just to make it another day. My husband is oblivious as to his condition and how it is affecting me. He shuffles bent over on the verge of falling, misplaces objects that I use from the kitchen, breaks dishes frequently. A living nightmare!! If we had money I would place him in AL but we are in that area of not rich but not poor enough for medicaid. He also kept financial secrets from me in the past and pilfered all our retirement money day trading stocks. So we are mainly living off both our social security. He also has a medicare advantage health plan which is crap. Sorry to be so negative but it feels good to vent.

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I am still pretty new to this forum…But I read this and just read it to my husband and he said, “wow, that could have been you writing that about your mother.” I feel this post so much it is scary, but not a bad scary. It is literally that relatable to me. I needed to see this post today, thank you for sharing this question. You’re not alone wanting peace for everyone. Hugs!

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Reply to TiffanyK77

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No.

It's normal. It doesn't mean you're going to murder them.

However we are only human.

Thanks a Lot for this question.

You can always leave the murdering to someone else because I can assure you madly lots of people are quite interested in for their own claims and reasons to make that person suffer.

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Reply to tardisaliens

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What????

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My father is on hospice in a nursing home. I live 3,000 miles away. I have tried to be there for my father but now I can no longer visit regularly.

I did the best I could to try to help him through his end of life stage but as terrible as this sounds, I am unable to devote any more time to him. I had hoped he would have been already gone by now. My life has changed so much in just a few months since my husband's stroke and heart problems and my daughter now needing help because her husband left.

I have learned just how miserable life can be.

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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I am sorry to see you are having such struggles.

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Comming from a daughter in law of husbands mom in a nursing home from a motor skill partial stroke, still smarter than a whip of the ripe age of just 86 yrs and feel your peace you are yarning. I just recently feel the same I wish god will allow her to go in peace. I think it is called wanting our lifes back. I feel for your, alot of good advice, self care is very important. Especially a spouses loved one, how do the other significant spouses deal with their spouses mother or father in a nursing home constantly wanting them to visit and who is me attitude. IT is so, so disturbing, it causes alot of turbulance with my spouse and I with his mother in the nursing home 4 hrs away. I am so tired of sharing my husband. I cant go through this for another 10 yrs the people are living longer. How do spouses do this? Every one is divorced or single it sounds, but self care and all are very important. It is never ending, especially around the holidays she is so demanding and claims no visitors in her life, she manipulates my husband and his sister, they cripe they are done allowing her to run their lifes, but nothing changes, they told her she needs to move closer to them if they will visit her every bloodly holiday and her when her friends dont visit. IT makes me sick. I am constantly feeling like i am and have been competing with her, so wearing on ones marriage, not to mention just found out we are going to be first time grandparents with our son, I am so, so afraid she will horn in on my grandchild time. She has endured 4 generation's and it is never good enough for her. I am so tired of her complaining when she is alone at very seldom times, she has never been able to do well on her own in her younger yrs I guess? Get a grip i think! Any advise is greatly appreciated

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Reply to Calister1

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Your MIL is in a nursing home. She is being cared for. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Prioritize your life, most especially bonding with your new grandchild.

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Fil is once again back in the hospital after having his third stroke. This is the fifteenth time we’ve shown up at the hospital after hearing from mil or sil that we should get down there as it could be it. Just like always, it’s not it. Not that I’m hoping it’s it, but after so many times my emotional circuits are just fried.

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Reply to PeggySue2020

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In case anyone is not yet aware, this last stroke was fatal. He died nine days after I wrote this. He died two days after being brought home on hospice after a stay in the hospital.

Not one of us wishes he had been around to suffer more.

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FIL was just in the hospital again. This happens twice to three times a year. This time his knee wouldn’t stop bleeding due to the blood thinners he was put back on after he got a heart stent thus making the two watchman’s he had placed after said thinners caused two brain bleeds six years ago.

Fil enjoys the hospital. It’s more family devotion time just for him. He has told his son, too, that it’s actually nice to have mil, sil and the aide wait on him 24/7 as if he is king of the roost. He ripped up his dnr. He wants to go to the hospital and live forever.

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Reply to PeggySue2020

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Oh heavens. You poor thing. I'm sorry to hear that. One day, time will take over, in the mean time, maybe you should stop showing up at the hospital.

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I don’t wish someone to die, but I ask God to not let my loved one linger the way they are.

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Reply to LindaSueC

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Me too. My father who had dementia and is a drooling vegetable should have been gone three years ago but his body refuses to give up. He just lingers.

I was notified that he had developed a bed sore and that it was being treated. As horrible as it sounds I thought to myself why. All this treating these types of things just prolongs his inevitable death. Of course he is being treated but it just makes you wonder if this actually is the right thing to be doing.

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I am relieved every day that my mentally ill hoarder mother died this past August, after a summer that left me on the verge of a breakdown. I had the kind of hard childhood that people write memoirs about and require lots of therapy after. Five months later after her passing, I feel as if I've been released from prison.

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Reply to Oedgar23

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You wonder why people are like your Mom. Don't they want to be remembered in a good light? I guess its a mental illness. My Dad was a Curmudgian but he had a good side. When people talk about him its with a smile.
Its such a shame. I can see why you feel this way but, you still stepped up to the plate. Your a good person.

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Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

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