I am 50 yrs.old and have been married for 34 yrs. My mother has lived with my husband and I for 9 yrs. It has taken a toll on our marriage.

Make yourself happy.

There is no reason why your mother couldn't continue to live with your then ex-husband, if he would have her. I know that people sometimes stay together "for the sake of the children" (with mixed results) but staying together for the sakes of the mother? ummm ... I think that is carrying things too far. Does your mother realize how unhappy you are, or have you been busy hiding that?

Do what you have to do to make the pursuit of happiness at least possible for you.

I too am 50 and have been married for 31 years. My husband and I moved in to my parents house and that lasted six months. Six months was hard and was affecting everyone. We are human and can do only so much. My parents wanted to stay in their own home and I think if they were capable in thinking straight - they would have seen the anxiety from me and never allowed this living arrangement. You have been married 34 years. Think about your marriage before your Mother moved in. Were you happy? DON'T throw 34 years away if this is something you can fix. I had to move my parents in to an Assisted Living- broke my heart. My brother and sister didn't want this - they liked me taking care of my parents and didn't take my feelings and well being into consideration. I have some what of a life now. I have a happier husband!

If you have not, get marriage counseling before taking any action. Leaving your marriage and your mom may not bring happiness. The stress of being a caregiver, even of sharing your family space with your mom, can cause problems not being aired and solved promptly, See someone you can talk this out with, then make a plan for your future. Good wishes for you all.

By your statement I can't tell if you have ever been happy with your married life. However, I am going to comment assuming that you once were happy. My husband and I have been married 33 years. We were the sole caregivers of my mother-in-law for 13 years. She lived in our home. The activity of taking care of her and raising 2 children through their teenage years took a toll on us emotionally, physically and mentally. We now have only the 2 of us at home. Slowly we are easing into a new life. During that 13 years, life was a struggle. Please hang on, if there is a glimmer of any happiness you shared before still there. It can be very difficult to talk about your struggles with your husband during these times. We found that privacy was limited. Respectful communication is so necessary. If you can, talk to your husband in private. Most likely, at some point your mom will no longer be in your home. Ride out this time 'together' as well as you can. However you handle this time, will set a foundation for your continued future together.

"One Life To Live" was the name of a soap opera, and the title infuses me.
You, my dear, have got to do something. Put all your options on the table. What are your options? List them. 1) Move out . 2) Move your mother out.
3) Move your mother and your husband out. Definitely seek counseling. Good Luck.

You indicate you have fallen out of love with your husband and that he has never supported anything you have done nor stood up for you. Your mother may adore him but he is your husband, not hers. What a profound statement that he has never supported anything you have done and you have been married to him for 34 years. He is who he is and you have only one life to live. You are 50 years old and if you are going to make a change or changes in your life that will bring you joy, I would do it. Yes, counseling is always an option but people only change if they acknowledge what they need to change and seek professional help to make those changes. Would your husband be willing to do this? Even if he were, you say you no longer love him so what would be the reason to keep this marriage going? Please consider your feelings and don't let your mother's feelings influence you. She has her life; you have your life. As difficult as this may be, consider taking the steps now to find your happiness. Life is too short.

CaringSol1 - I just read your comment about taking care of your mother-in-law. I've been doing this for 6 years and I'm burned out. I hate being the "daughter-in-law" and caregiver. My sister-in-law comes for an hour once a week and pampers her then I have to take care of her the rest of the week. I'll never be good enough in her eyes. I'm so depressed and hate I feel this way. How did you manage? I spend most of my day doing things for her such as preparing meals, laundry, meds. I also work a full-time job. We do have a Hospice Aide who comes and bathes her 3 times a week which really helps. I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing these things.

My relationship with my husband has deteriorated because we can't do things like we used to such as movies, shopping and doing church oriented activities. We can't even have our "time alone" without worrying about what she hears. We rush home from work to handle her needs then we have time for ourselves only about 1.5 hours before we go to bed and start all over again. I hate my life right now but she doesn't have enough money monthly to put her in assisted living. Besides, my husband promised his dad he would take care of her so he could pass. He has honored that promise thus far but it is hindering our relationship. I don't know what to do or where to turn? I don't do things I like such as sewing and crafting. I feel alone.

SadQueen7-this is my life, exactly. 6 years? I don't think I can do it. Do you ever go away on trips? We have trips planned that we are now cancelling. It makes me so depressed. Our lives are revolving around this. I hate how resentful it makes me feel.

Tucker, sometimes it seems like a person 'falls of out love' with their spouse, but in reality it's more likely they've lost respect for them. Ask yourself if this is the case, how did it happen, and what can you do to correct it. Believe me when I tell you, your husband feels the same way you do, but most men are a little less vocal then us women. Also, when we women take control of a situation don't allow our husbands to help like they want to, we tend to blame them. When all along many times a husband has been waiting for the permission from his wife to take over and let his wife have a rest. Talk to her husband, don't shut him out. Believe it or not, men have feelings too. ♥

I am one of 6 Children & have cared for my mother by myself and on my dime for the best part of 8 years.I was a newlywed, 12 days into a marriage when my Mother moved in with us. HIS idea, although I'm pretty sure he thought it would make me happy. He is such a self centered, demanding person that it did not take long for him to figure out that as time went by, she would get even more & more of my attention so the marriage fell apart. We never divorced, even filed for separation, but I have not even seen him in over 2 1/2 yrs. Awhile after moving home, only until i finally DEMANDED that somebody do SOMETHING a little over a year ago, no one ever did anything, but then it was only a weekend or 2 a month, 1 sister had finally begun to get her a little.) since I moved her back to her home & have tried to care for her here, but now due to the age of her home & all the repairs that keep popping up, my financial situation, (or lack thereof), my nerves being so bad I am getting in pretty bad shape myself now, I told a sister that lives local that we may need to begin to "look into" other options. Boy, she JUMPED on that, afraid I guess she would be stuck with her, she had her in an assisted living facility within 3 days,..but it is NOT the place for her. Mother needs to be able to do for herself a little better, the RA's are pretty lax when it comes to suggesting or being sensitive to her needs. I feel I am still caring for her but with her there, instead of here,..therefore it is MUCH harder on me now. Now, even though I have not seen him, or rarely even spoken to him on the phone, my husband has asked me to come back to him. 1 part of me feelsI am about to collapse from exhaustion and that I may need to do it just to have the "safety net", but part of me hates him for his timing, its almost that since my mother is not with me now, NOW he wants me. If you cannot take the good with the bad, thats a sign of a weak marriage, in my eyes. Yes, you have to look out for you, but you also have to consider has he been supportive as he should have been thru ALL your trials you've gone thru?,..he may have a mother too that will need help, what would HE do? Won't he age one day & need help? Who will help him? I think the way someone reacts to a situation like this, speaks volumes for how you can expect them to treat YOU when you age around them.
I don't know what to do myself & I am at the point where I am SO exhausted & confused, that how do I know that my decision is the best one, you know? Another thing, if I were to move back to be with him, then I would have TONS of guilt feelings for not being close to her to be able to come by and get her laundry, take her snacks & things, do her hair, get her on the weekends,..etc. This is a sad, situation, it just seems like it keeps going, & going, & going,..just thought of something else, of course when she moved into the smaller place, of course she had to have things, I ended up paying for all that, too, even though I had always been the one to take care of her. I think after this is all over, it would suit me just fine if I NEVER have to see or speak to my siblings again. This is just not the way I had envisioned her final years being, she was and IS a wonderful Mother.
I DO hope & pray you sort things out, but I think you should consider what I said about the good and the bad,..the point I was making, too is although we DID move my mother into Ass. Living, I am no more happy, have even less time, I just EXCHANGED miseries, that's all.

My first reaction is to say "are you sure it isn't the stress of your mother living with you that is causing you to feel this way?" Have you been evaluated for depression? I have also been married 30 years, and my mother has only been with us for the past 2 - the amount of stress this has placed on me and our marriage is unbelievable. Prior to her moving in, I was going to school to prepare myself for re-entering the workforce after being a stay at home mother, and then working out of the home for 10 years after that (essentially I do not qualify for Social Security benefits in my own right due to the above so I HAVE to get a job as I'm almost 50 myself & the clock is ticking!). Wouldn't you know...just as I came down the home stretch of getting my medical coding certification, Mom moved in. She has so many Dr. appointments that I don't know HOW i can work, and my husband is right there and sees what I go through with her, but is still saying "found a job yet?" "we're not getting any younger, you know..." blah blah blah...AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW THIS???. I finally BLEW UP at him one day and told him I was well aware of the situation and would give ANYTHING to get out of this house & work, but unless he knew of some way to clone me or would start taking her to her appointments in the mornings (he doesn't go to work until 1:00 pm), I would appreciate him keeping his mouth shut on the subject until I get it sorted out. I get NO HELP from my siblings, and having her live with them isn't an option. I love my mother, I really do, but this is putting such a huge strain on our marriage and our lives in general (financial and otherwise) that I have to say if it came down to me having to choose her or my husband, she probably wouldn't be happy with the outcome. You mentioned your husband never supports you or stands up for you...does HE realize you feel this way? Perhaps he stands back on the situation because it's your mother & he feels it's not his place to say anything?? Sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him - hand him a copy of your question above if you can't tell him in person - but please don't give up more than 30 years of your life without a fight. :o(

SadQueen7- I can't say I handled it at all that well. I cried, I prayed, I read books and magazines in my room. I spent a lot of time in the bedroom. It was as if I was a child staying at my parents house. Not my own home at all. I wish I had known of a forum like this at the time. It would of been nice to know I wasn't alone. My husband was at wits end with her constant needs and bad temper too. I resented her. I resented my husband. I resented my sister-in-law. I worked part-time at first and after a while I increased my hours to full time and did as much over time as I could. I basically did all I could to not be home. I took longer and longer at the grocery store. I found reasons to go for errands. Thereby, leaving mom with my husband. I avoided what I could and tolerated the rest. My husband and I went on 1 vacation. Leaving mom in the care of her daughter (my sister-in-law) We came home after a cruise and mom was in the hospital due to a fall. So vacations didn't happen any more. Getting away was nearly impossible. With little to no privacy in the house, there was less and less private time with my husband or children. Mom had help from in home aide who bathed her and another who visited and played cards with her. I did resent that my husband seemed to always take his moms side in disagreements. His mom was often angry and mean spirited which meant she would often hurt the feelings of our children. It was her pain and the myriad of medicines that made her that way. However, teenagers are already going through so much and they knew her when she was 'nice' grandma. They needed our time. We didn't get to do much, 'fun' stuff with them during that 13 year period. That is pretty much how I handled it. I can't say it was a right way or a good way, it was just what I did. I suppose what is important is, although I felt the way I did, I remained respectful to my husband and my mother-in-law. Disagreements, yes, but no blaming or name calling. Mom started going from hospital to rehab to new rehab center to hospital to rehab. ( I lost track how often she moved) Anyway, my husband and I were so exhausted with mom and work that we barely talked for a long time. He and I were going through the same thing. While waiting to visit mom in rehab centers and hospitals we found time to talk again. She passed away in 2010. We are still growing through this and finding our way 2 years later.

SadQueen7 - Your not alone. It is admirable that your husband made the promise he did. He must be a very caring man. Stay strong. This time in your life will not be forever.

Dear one all I can say is please know there is a light at the end of the tunnel........I have watched our marraige go up and down like a roller coaster. In our case it has been my husband being so strong emotionally through this living "hell". Had it not been for his constant "grounding" of me, this would have over a long time ago. Through 3 now deceased parents, one sister, and finally my mother with her Dementia and Alzheimers issues,vived. We WILL get through this. We will pull out all stops through SUPPORT GROUPS who LISTEN with compassion. Please hang in there....you will survive!

Was the marriage in danger prior to your Mom moving in? Maybe you need to make that assesment first.The mutual caregivijng may have been the only glue that kept it together. If you decide that separating is the best thing, Mom may surprise you and be supportive.

I beleive a Mother give;s birth to her child and sacrafic everything for that child no matter what and I think when a Mother gets old and needs help their child should sacrafic everything for them. I am her 6th child and the only one that takes care of her, no help from my Brother's. My Husband does everything for my Mother in helping with repairs around the house and car. My Husband is very supportive of me not putting my Mother in a place because her wishes are to die at home. we have been married 15yrs and very happy. you only have 1 Mother and if your Husband don't understand and respect that then I think no matter how much you love him, I would tell him to go. My Mom and Children are more important to me then anyone on earth. just thought I would say how I feel . Good luck

Had a chuckle when I read Only1 comment. I too told my sister that I did not know how much more I could take. She had her house up on the market and an assisted living ready for her in like a week. She was so afraid that Mom would end up with her in her big house. I just let her do her thing because I knew that my Mother would not go without a fight. As soon as her house was on the market my Mother called the real estate agent and told her to "put all this on hold." Long story short - at least I got a little more respite from my sister. Not much but she is trying to make more of an effort to give me some time. I just laugh at the panic in my sibs when I talk of taking my life back and moving out of my Mothers house. Now they need to start paying me!!

Thanks for sharing. I know I don't feel alone all the time but I do feel frustrated because of the promise he had. He's trying to be more supportive like helping with the chores but with her strict diet needs he doesn't know how to help much. I've prepared ahead of time what I can. I've even created a schedule of what to feed her for each meal and what necessary snacks she needs. It helps so he can help sometimes. I just miss the "US" we had. I'm sure that is everyone's situation as well.

Tucker1 - hang in there. Pray for guidance. Stress and Depression seem to be my constant companion lately. I know it seems our spouses never really care about us when times like this arise but I'm sure they really do. Reach out to them - maybe they feel bad too. I know I've watched a movie "Fireproof" that sometimes help me to put a different perspective on my relationship with my husband. Keep your chin up. We're here to listen.! :)

Caring for an elder is stressful. Add to that everyday life. Marriage counseling may help, but I don't recommend staying in any situation that's abusive (verbal or otherwise). If your husband is just unsupportive and wants to change, go for counseling. Learn new ways to communicate with him. He may not know he's been a difficult person to live with. At his core if he's a good person, he can change. You married him for some reason. Try to find that spark again, get help, and best of luck to you!

People talk about falling in and out of love... love is not just a feeling or emotion. It is a commitment. It takes a LOT of work. Give it a chance. Don't give up on your marriage because you aren't connecting now. It can change. I have been single for 15 years, it isn't all it is cracked up to be either....

It is easy to get depressed, angry, tired, overwhelmed and want to just give up.
Do you have other options for your Mom to go like a nursing home, assisted living or to your sister's?
You and your husband have to find time to be together. You have to be able to talk and be heard.
Marriage is not easy I understand we have my motherinlaw and she has lived with us 11 years of our 131/2 year marriage..... and this past year has been filled with health issues and challenges with her.
Do you believe in God? Pray and talk to him first. Ask Him what to do and for HIm to show you. Tell Him how tired you are and angry.
Can your husband take care of your Mom for a couple of days so you go off for a few days alone to think, rest and regroup?
Do you have any girlfriends that you could go to a movie with and just have a few hours out and away from the stress?
I know what it is like to be unhappy in a marriage and feel so alone. Please think leaving him through, go to marriage counseling, find a support group, find a daycare for your Mom to go that is what we did two days a week and I am glad she gets out and I can do some of the things I need and want to do.
Thirty four years is along time to just give up on...... tell your husband what you need from him. Let him know how you feel. Use the I statements he may still not listen but at least you are expressing yourself and letting some of the pent up anger out...do it nicely and calmly.
Pray first.....that helps.....
My heart is with you..... I pray you find the peace that you want and need.
We all have limits and when you have reached yours you will know.
Please take care.
Frustrated2012