My siblings seem to have elected me in charge of my mom without telling me. Everything has been dumped on me except legal paperwork that I found my brother was shuffling off to my SIL. My mom is in stroke rehab right now but they don't know if she will be able to return to her senior apartment. Of the 5 siblings my brother and I live in town. Everyone else has made excuses to not help. My brother I found out isn't visiting my mom anymore with the exception of an occasional visit. I do not get along with him or my SIL to begin with and all the reasons for that are now playing out in this situation. People are making gross assumptions about my ability to be the sole caregiver of my mom, that I don't have anything better to do as an excuse to dump it all on me. This isn't true. In between I get accused of being unreliable and my SIL shows up long enough to get my mom all worked up, that I won't make it to her appointments etc. My mom expects me to be there to see her every day and gets upset when I don't. Relatives pressure me that I should be there or why am I not there if I don't stop by over the weekend or miss a day they think I should have driven to town to see her. I already had too much on my plate before this all happened, I work freelance, a husband and one kid left at home. Neither of them are any help and continue to make things worse. They won't do anything at home to help me, expect me to do everything at home and complain constantly that things are not done but won't help, he's become really nasty the past few years too. On top of this my husband had two surgeries in 2 years so I spent much of the last 2 years taking care of him or doing everything that needed to be done at home. Now he might need another surgery. I can't become my mom's full time caregiver but my siblings seem to have decided I should without even asking me. Even if my mom is able to handle assisted living I know that will require much of my time. Nobody will help, nobody will listen even when I tell them point blank what I need or what is an issue, they just make up excuses. But they all seem to be quick to criticize unless they are the ones who split and went into hiding. It seems like anything I do to try to get someone to get a clue is just going to blow up into being a problem about me rather than my mom's needs or that person's need to get a clue. I have kept my extended family at a distance for decades for a reason. Now I am in the middle and feel like everyone is against me. The nursing home rehab unit isn't helping. My mom had a heart attack (actually was a-fib). Instead of calling 9-11 they left a message with her doctor's office and CALLED ME to ask what I wanted them to do. I ended up driving her to the hospital in my car. Luckily I was nearby on my way to see her when this happened. They won't give me a clear answer if they will call an ambulance if she needs emergency care or if they seriously expect me to be available 24-7 "just in case". I'm not even the power of attorney, my brother is. But he told them to call me because "im always available" and he's not. I am just at my wits end. I have tried to just ignore the lot of them and deal with my mom, she herself is not my problem but the rest just wont leave me be. To the point that panic ensued because I stopped for 10 min to eat lunch one day. I am at my wits end.
Fortunately there is one person's behavior you can control: you. Nobody can make you do more for your mother than you reasonably can. Decide what is best for your mother and for you, what you are willing to do, and what you are able to do. Then do it. Don't consult your critical sibs. Don't let them bully you. If you decide that you will visit twice during the week and once on the weekend, then do that. Don't apologize. Just do it. Does Mom have a health care directive? Has she decided the DNR question? Do you know her decision? If someone else is named as the health-care decision-maker, that is who the NA must call. You are not on call 24 hours just because your brother says you are.
Continue to love and care for your mother. I certainly don't mean for you to abandon her. But do it on your terms, and do it in such a way that you have energy to devote to your marriage and to enjoy the last kid to leave the nest. Distance yourself from your non-helpful relatives.
Best wishes to you.
Just because your brother put your name down doesn't mean it has to stay there. You can provide the cell phone numbers of all your sibs, and tell the NH to call them in rotation. You'll take your turn, but not be the only one on the list.
Yes, all the complaining and yelling you are enduring is indeed crazy. Please, please try to distance yourself from it. "Sorry, Sally, I don't have time to discuss this right now. I'll try to call you this weekend." "Gee, Ken, I'm sorry you don't approve of how I handled it. I'm doing my best. You certainly can handle your relationship with Mom the way you see fit. I'm not going to discuss my actions with you."
The exception, in my mind, is your immediate household. That is worth working on, instead of distancing yourself. I strongly suggest family counseling. Work on that family. Turn a deaf ear to the rest.