Hi everyone

I’m 69 and retired in N. Calif. Lost my second husband (“B”) in 2001 from Stage 4 colon cancer (here with Hospice), been alone since. Now taking care of my first husband (72, Vietnam Combat Vet, divorced in 1994) since he was close to B and was devastated when he died. Both Vets. I was doing fine by myself in my own house since. Had to keep moving forward, which wasn’t easy without my beloved B. We only had 6 yrs together that were the best of my life.

Ex was the “go to” guy past 10 yrs until the pandemic/lockdown. His 2 brothers/sister all died 2011-2013, and his GF left. He bought a small condo 20 min. away, and was fine there for 10 yrs. In 2022, his HOA called me (as Emergency Contact) since they were evicting him for 5 months non-pymt? I went over and found him 3 ft. deep in trash, no running water and inhabitable conditions! He had stopped paying his bills (red flag)? It stunk so bad, I had him pack a bag, brought him here. Spent next 6 mos. cleaning/remodeling his condo to sell it. He hadn’t seen a doctor in 10 yrs, so I took him to VA Medical in between for a diagnosis. Something was very wrong! I first expected him here a month, until condo was cleaned up and he’d move back. It’s been 18 months. The VA was useless, every excuse in the book. Did CT Scan and I get a letter he’s Level 4 (“catastrophically disabled”)? The VA hinted at Agent Orange, but he doesn’t qualify for a service pension? He can bathe, eat and toilet himself, so no Aid & Attendance. I’ve tried the VA Social Workers, who are worthless. It was a big wakeup call.

He was a zombie first month here, until I got him into a routine, better food, got him cleaned up. Got DPOA before any diagnosis, to ensure my money spent to rescue him would be repaid. He started coming out of his fog in 6 months, yet still shows mild “cognitive decline” (memory loss, tantrums, unsafe to drive), so I sold his car. CT showed no brain tumor, Alz, Parkinsons, or aneurysm. Level 4 is basically a bone thrown to Vietnam vets, giving them 100% free medical. He’s not “catastrophically disabled” whatsoever.

My goal was to get him into a CalVet facility (AL) from the start. I sold the condo, stashed his cash in CDs. Applied and got him accepted into CalVet, yet more VA stalling/wait list over a year or more. Meanwhile, I’m the caregiver slave, quit my PT job, do all cooking, cleaning, laundry, appts, driving….he does nothing but watch TV or sleep. I have high blood pressure (DXd 2 yrs ago) that spikes from my frustration. He has a fit when I suggest he needs a shower (after 5 days). He shows no respect for his personal Savior, unless he wants something. Reminds me why I divorced him 20 yrs ago!

CalVet provides meals, snacks, room/bathroom, activities, transportation, baseball field, bowling alley, pool, 1200 seat theater, PX, barbershop, BBQs and more in scenic Wine Country (1 hr from me) on 200 acres. Perfect for him to live out what’s left of his life. He cannot live alone anymore and knows it. He also knows his vacation here the past 18 months is ending soon.

I didn’t divorce him 29 yrs ago to be his 24/7 caregiver now. I’m trying to stay cool and calm, patiently waiting to get my normal life back.

I got smart in Dec. 2022, enrolled him in a civilian Medicare Advantage Plan, so he has double coverage. His civilian medical team is amazing! Tests ordered and done in days, instead of months. The VA is BS and false promises. I’ve argued with these useless Drs. using my classic line, “Excuse me? In 1970, it was Vietnam or JAIL…and this is the best you can do?” I grew up in the military, I grew up in the military, I’m a Colonel’s daughter, determined and resourceful. Someone had to step in and fix the mess. He had nobody.

I don’t deal with my own few toxic family members left, so will make sure I have a Plan in place for myself. Thank God I found this website and have learned so much.