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I am soooo scared for my dad emotionally and financially. He is with a woman who is manipulating him in every way and he does not see it. He has turned his back to his own family who he has always been close with. He is almost 80years old and I am sooo scared for him and don't know what to do. I can't seem to get him to open his eyes.

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I hear ya, but I also have to say that your dad probably is well aware of being her ATM, but that's not the 'brain' he's thinking with these days most likely. After all, why in the world would a 20 something woman want an old man except for his money? Now if he were Sean Connery I might have to rethink my answer....
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I remember your original post...so sorry that you were able to prevent this travesty. I think these old goats know EXACTLY what they are doing. They are spending their last few dollars on "services rendered."
I highly recommend that you disengage from this circus. Stop worrying about him and get on with your life. If he calls, speak to him kindly, but do not get roped into the drama. When he needs health care, step back and let the new, young, energetic wife do everything.
You cannot control what any other human being does. He made his wishes known loud and clear. I find these leaches and the men who go for it disgusting. Your father has no empathy for what he is putting his family through. When she cleans him out, let him suffer the consequences. I have had enough of self-centered parents!!
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Just to be clear the woman is not in her 20's she is 20 years younger then him. She is 60 years old. But still she has already been married twice why does she need to get married again and to a man who is 80 years old. You don't need a ring and a piece of paper to be in love and care for one another. This woman has a history of going after older men.
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If my mom or dad were still alive, I'd wonder about the situation
too. Now, when my mom was still alive, (my step-dad had passed away 2 1/2-3 yrs. earlier). I never thought that she'd want somebody else in her life. It was her way or the highway with us kids. My step-dad was a real German (I want dinner on the table at this time and no later). She met a really nice guy who I think was a few yrs. older than her. She passed away while dating him, unfortunately. She seemed to get mellower while going out with him. He made her last months happier (for her and for us to be around her).
It could be that the woman that he's now engaged to may only want companionship. ...but I see your concern. I was concerned about my mom too. It doesn't just happen to men, it can happen to women also. I know if my husband ever passed away, I'm done with men. ...but then, the like bug may bite again. ...and then turn into the love bug. I came straight out and asked my mom after losing so much sleep over thinking about it. She reassured me that he wasn't a gold-digger and that she only wanted his companionship, so I felt much better about the situation when she brought him around.
I still see him off and on at the gym, and he's got Parkinson's Disease (PD) now--although you would never know it (except for his hands shaking & he moves slow. He still drives, but I think he will have to stop driving soon. ...but my mom had Diabetes and Diverticulitis. Your dad is a big boy. I wouldn't work yourself up over it. If it works out, it works out. Some do, some don't. Some people feel that you do need a ring & a piece of paper & some don't feel like you need it. ((((((HUGS)))))). Good luck!
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Same thing happened here with father-in-law. Thought he really wanted to trade marriage for companionship but she wanted to get his wallet. No reason why someone 22 years younger would marry a sick old man except to get his money and possessions. She did make off with some when he died, but the joke was on her when her son was left as POA and executor. Haven't had a word from her in 2+ years as soon as she took her goodies and left town.
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Not much you can do. Hope he is OK, let the authorities know if you suspect abuse. Otherwise it is his choice no matter how foolish...
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Hey, I am almost 60 and I would never even think of marrying a 80 year old man (my Mom is 80). My husband is three years younger and he is old enough for me. Just nothing but a gold digger you can bet. But unless you can talk him out of marrying her, not much you can do. My MIL was involved with a scam artist (truly, had been in jail). He was her age but a real piece of work. Her children finally proved to her his intent and she let him go. Also the Miami Dade Police gave him a warning, they really couldn't do much but keep an eye on him and do background check, etc. Maybe you can talk your Dad into not marrying her just live together or a prenup anything to scare her off. That worked with my Uncle, the gold digger took off when she realized he wasn't marriage material and she was 50 and he was 70ish. These predators are out there just waiting to grab some old person, disgusting.
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My oldest sister and BIL are in their early 60's and my brother is 60 yrs. old. Sometimes, they are gold diggers and sometimes it's just someone looking for companionship. As I said in a previous post, my mom began seeing a gentleman who was in her senior citizen singing group and he was, I think, 5-7 yrs. older than my mom when she passed away. I mean I didn't learn that until close to her death. ...but they just enjoyed being together. If this situation of yours is truly a golddigger going after your dad's money, then I would talk him into getting her to sign a pre-nup. Although, I know how hard that can be when you're dealing with an older person. If she truly just wants to spend time with him, then she won't mind it one bit. I guess I try to look at the positive side of things. After all, he's a grown man. ...but if it makes you better, go for the pre-nup. ((((HUGS)))) & good luck!
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I agree with both. Could be either...Just a wait and see and hope he is safe. Nothing else to do...
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I want to thank everyone for their kind comments.
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My dad is 75 and with a 27 yr old gold digger. My family is sick about the whole thing. My dad is clue less. He sees nothing wrong with this. No one can get through to him. She has played him like a fiddle. It is so sad!
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5acali, find a way to dry up the money and the gold digger will lose interest fast. If it were my dad I'd be informing the gold diggers parents about what their daughter is up to. Maybe it's old fashioned, but it still can be effective having a girls parents get after a daughter. And none of this 'oh they're just friends' from her folks either. Friends don't hit up friends for money on a regular basis, that's nonsense. If he needs someone to take care of and be needed by, then get him a puppy.
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Interesting to read this thread. My father is turning 89 and mom died last year. Just recently a woman 25 yrs younger has befriended him, and now they are like a couple. The whole family is very concerned, but Dad is extremely defensive about her. I am sure she is after his money, which is substantial. He goes nowhere w/o her. As noted above, he has no idea how much this hurts us emotionally. I just hope she is there for him when he gets ill, he is losing his short term memory as it is, she could talk him into signing anything. I am concerned and hurting.
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Interesting to find this page. My father is turning 89, mom died last year. A woman 25 yrs younger has befriended him just a couple months ago. Dad is losing his short term memory, but still lives in his own house, still drives. Though now his new friend drives him everywhere, they act like a couple. She still works, but sees my Dad everyday. The whole family is very worried about her intentions, I tried to get to know her over coffee, but she brought my father along! I know there is nothing we can do, but it really hurts to see this happening. Dad has a substantial amount of money, and I am sure that is all she is after. Personally, it is very hard to watch this woman with him. Any advice?
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My two cents.
Let your parent know that if he marries this 'new' woman he must CHANGE OR MAKE A NEW WILL if he intends to leave his assets to his children. Failure to execute a new will promptly has result in untold heartache - as most state law defaults these assets to the wife - however young she is or recently married they are.

A neice of mine grew up primarily being raised by her grandparents on their acreage out in the country. Lovely place the family had long worked and lived on. They had an orchard, sold their extra produce - my neice long planned to raise her family there when the time came. Then Grandma took ill and died suddenly, and soon after grandpa, in his late 70's, married a woman (in her 60's) who my neive had hired to clean and dcook for her grandfather while my neice was at work.
Grandpa died a month after the marriage. Guess who got everything? The woman - his new wife - that he'd known for a few months. My neice was devastated. She tried appealing to the woman's better nature as to what her grandfathr would have wanted - to no avail. The woman soon after sold the property - for big bucks - and moved on. And this sort of thing happens all the time.
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Wow, that is really important, thanks for sharing this. I will have to inform my sibs as they have POA and know Dads lawyer,etc. It is a really bitter pill to swallow, to see him acting so foolishly. Last year he was near suicidal after mom died, and now this? crazy. He says he would marry this lady, but she is too young. So obviously he has asked her, I think. I am having a rough time getting my head around this! One part of me just thinks, oh good, she can look after him since he and I do not get along, the other part of me, is just shocked and jealous and worried. Hard to let this go.
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Just a thought, a friend of my husband's FIL married a lady at the 11th hour so to speak. He had about a million dollars. His daughter thought and he indicated all of his life that his money was to be inherited by his daughter, his only child, upon his death or his wife's. But as he aged he had demenia and in swooped a preditor. Well they took it to court and the daughter recovered a large portion of the money. Sometimes you do need to sue because of "undue influence". It is not always black and white, but gray areas. Just a suggestion.
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THanks for that, madge 1 !!!!
Have been chatting with the sibs, and I will be speaking with a few of Dad's neighbors, just to see if they can help keep tabs on the situation. I am the only child here in the city, the other 4 are all over the country. Just never in a million years thought anything like this would happen!!! lets hope she is not a predator, but my senses are really tingling!!! I am so glad I found this site last night, I am a single person, so no one at home to bounce ideas off, and my friends are getting tired of listening to me. My Sister is going to come early Dec, and will try to talk to Dad about putting some of his funds to our names. I believe they had discussed this with Dad last year, when my sis took over his bills and set things up for him at the bank. Mom did all the finances etc, Dad did not even know how to use the ATM ! Thanks again for your comments.
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mwbela, just another note. My mother in law was targeted by a con artist years ago. He made the effort to attend her church, become her friend and try to get her to marry him. He had a record for fraud, stealing people's SS numbers, and taking old lonely ladies' money. He had a brother in Ohio who is a judge, my brother in law gave him a call and the brother told my brother in law that the con man was always a crook! We finally convinced her of his dishonesty.

When my Dad's brother in Virginia became a widower, a woman started paying him attention who claimed to have worked with my uncle. He couldn't remember her but she was about 20 years younger than him. He finally told her he wasn't remarrying again and she amazingly lost interest in a 70ish year old man., hmmm.

My husbands uncle (brother to my mother in law) became a widower and a lady who of course was much younger took an interest in him. She claimed to be a wealthy widow, to throw off the suspicions of being a gold digger. However, she was a golddigger. Don't know how she was "outted" but she was a bum after my husband's uncle's money (he owned an insurance business in Ohio). Uncle refused to marry her and, you guessed it, she lost interest.

So just between my husband and I, you can see how many times this has happened and thankfully, none of these bums were successful in getting what they wanted. Why? Because in each case the elderly person has family telling them over and over what was really going on. Don't stop, if you instincts tell you she is a golddigger, she probably is. Good Luck.
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Just wanted to let everyone know, I ran into a friend on the weekend, and turns out she actually works with the lady my dad is chumming with!!! What a relief that was to know someone can vouch for her. She is a school teacher. She is also Phillipino, which I understand in their culture, they really look after their elders. My father only lives 6 blocks from me, but we have not been close. I cannot tolerate his behaviour, as he is a womanizer, flirts with every female that passes, so I will not eat out with him. Apparently she goes for dinner with him every night, and on the one hand, good to know he is eating , but he does pay for the meals. He got very adamant about me keeping out of his new relationship. So, all we can do is keep a close eye, and I intend to let this lady know, that I know her co-worker, etc. Hopefully her intentions are no more than a friendly companion. I know where she lives now, so if I ever see her house up for sale, will jump in at that point!!! I do call my dad every couple of days, and will have to drop by more often, just to remind him that I am close by and available too if he needs help. He is so stubborn, as I guess most are, but I think his health will change soon. Can't keep mowing the grass and shoveling snow forever! Thank goodness we did get the POA done when my mom was ill. And as I said, my sibs have access to his bank account online and talk to the manager there. Thanks for all the good advice I have gleaned from this site! Will post further if there is any news down the road.
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tell him to make sure he gets a prenup. She could divorce him and take 1/2 of everything if he doesn't.
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Hello all, I am just astounded at the stories you are all sharing and the remarkable similarities with mine. My mother-in-law passed away just over a year ago, much to the devastation of my father-in-law. Now a woman 20 years his junior has become a major influence in his life. My FIL has isolated himself with her and rarely communicates with us. I have asked many times if we can meet her, for example a nice family dinner, but she will not meet us (she has "no time"). This lady worked as a member of the service staff at the nursing facility where my MIL passed, and as soon as the smoke lifted from my MIL's funeral, this lady "pounced" into his life and has ever since maintained a tight hold on him both emotionally and financially. He is not a wealthy man and can live only month to month on a small pension. She is currently unemployed, and my FIL is spending a significant amount of his small pension funding her and her children (her youngest is 11 years old). What can we do? The nursing facility will not get involved, and in any case she is not employed with them anymore. We need help before this woman ends up wiping my FIL clean financially and distancing him further from his family.
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You know, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. jhan, same thing happened w/my FIL 10 years ago. It is very common for women to entice lonely older men into a "relationship" when it is really only about financial security. Kind of like a "profession" if you know what I mean. What you and all the others who have posted about similar situations need to ask yourselves is this: What are you concerned about? Your loved one or your loved one's money? Face it, what is really important in life is the care and help you give your loved one. The person in question may not see it your way and wants companionship. Who are we to deny that unless they are being abused or scammed? If you suspect abuse or scamming by deceit, then your loved one is probably suffering from cognitive impairment and confusion and does get what's going on. If that is the case, you get your Dept. of Children & Families (or whatever it is called where you live) involved and call the Elder Abuse Hotline for advice and then, depending on what exactly is going on, you may need local law enforcement to do a wellness check on your loved one and make sure things, including assets, are not being sold or
stolen or spent frivolously. If things are OK, make sure that you are not all hot and bothered about money for any reason than your loved one's health and medical and living expenses. If you are worried about an inheritance, get over it. It's just money or stuff and no one gets to take it with them to the next level. When you leave this world, you take nothing. So, before you leave this world, expect nothing and take the time to enjoy your family each day. You never know when it is someone's last day. That makes all the squabbling about money and furniture and stuff meaningless. Just make sure you loved one is not ill and then live with the situation. Yeah, my sibling is stealing my mother's stuff. You know, it's just stuff. I have the really important thing in life: the opportunity to take care of my mom and make her happy and take her to the doctor and brush her hair. That's priceless. My sister is missing out on the love and care for a wonderful parent. That's her loss. You can laugh and share stories with china and a sofa. There!
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I agree with you 100%. I want exactly what you have. I would love to spend more time with my father just walking and talking like we have done my whole life. Unfortunately my father's relationships with his loved ones have changed dramatically because of this lady. This women prevents him from spending time with his family. When we come around to visit she always causes drama and doesn't let us get a chance to have any conversations with our father. I live in another state and my father used to visit me at least once or twice a year. Since he has been with her he has come to vacation in the state that I live in 5 times and not once has he come to see me. I still talk to him on the phone and we always tell each other I love you but it went from us having phone conversations 3 times a week to now once a month. There are so many red flags with this woman it is unreal.
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Jchan I am sooooo sorry to hear what you are going through it is almost identical to what my family is dealing with. I don't know what to do. We found out the woman my father is with did the same thing to another family and their father eventually passed. The said they would talk to my father but he doesn't want to hear it for whatever reason he only believes what this woman tells him.
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Thanks for the responses everyone. It's funny we all meet here and express our fear and frustrations. Thanks for the info on the Elder Abuse Hotline, Tomatilla. That would not have occurred to me. It hurts to see our vulnerable loved ones seemingly taken advantage of, and how easily these women are able to establish a trusting relationship with them. My 71 y.o. FIL - who lives on a modest pension - is now looking for a part-time job to pay his (and her) bills, yet he still does not see anything amiss with the situation. He "loans" her money, and I mean hundreds of dollars - that he has acknowledged to us - never to be seen again. What he deserves is to be enjoying true companionship - not a money sink. She has no interest in my FIL interacting with her children (he is not allowed to go to her apartment, evidently) and she wants nothing to do with us. Just red flags all around. Concerned85 my best wishes to you as we go through similar heartbreaking situation. All the best.
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I have to add that many times older people find each other later in their lives. In reality, a 60-something year old woman may be with a 80-something year old man because both were looking for companionship. There are more older women than men, and many men are not interested in finding a companion in later life, so women may find companionship with someone who seems too old for her. It is just the way it is.

One thing I've seen is that children often have trouble with the new companion and will work at the relationship, trying to unravel it. I don't know why this happens, but it puts the elder parent in a bad place -- does he/she choose his companion or the children. This is unfair, but happens a lot. The main problem most of the time is that children don't want to see their parent with anyone else except the one they grew up with.

Unless there is evidence of use and abuse, I would say let them enjoy each other's company. And if they are spending money, it is theirs to spend. Inheritance does need to be protected, so it doesn't pass to the wrong family. But I don't see any other issues in a normal healthy relationship.
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Having been married to a man nearly 20 years older than I am for almost forty years now, I have to point out that we are not all golddiggers. Now maybe we have some emotional flaw that makes us attracted to older men -- I don't know about that -- but I know it is possible to love someone across a big age gap with no mercenary motivations.

It is also possible, of course, for one needy person to "take advantage" of another's neediness. Even if it looks one-sided to outsiders (especially outsiders who may be dealing with their own jealousies and fear of losing inheritance), it may be that the benefits are mutual, if not of the same kind.

Or it may be that the new friend really is only in it for the money or the security.

I can tell you this: if the love and caring is real, it can be a huge advantage to the older person to be married to or living with a younger, stronger, more able person. I often wonder how a woman my husband's age could cope with the caregiving situation I am in.

My husband's three daughters are all grateful that he is married to someone who can take great care of him. We have told both his kids and mine that no matter who dies first, when the second one dies the estate will be divided among all of them. But that is mostly of emotional importance. We've also told them there is not likely to be much to divide. A long-term chronic condition such as dementia is very expensive and drains resources faster than a golddigger could.

It is kind of all of you in this situation to try to protect your father from his own foolishness. Also try, please, not to interfere with his hapiness. It can be a fine line to walk! Good luck!
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Try to convince him to get do a pre-nump if her gets married. The will define if she is after his money or his attention.
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Just a quick note on this topic. JessieBelle brings up the topic of inheritance going to the "wrong family." We all walk a fine line we attempt to define "wrong family." Isn't the passing of inheritance the choice of the living person who has something, be it money or furniture or whatever, as to whom any inheritance is left. If we as family get all hung up over inheritance, that is a warning that maybe we feel "entitled" and are not considering our loved one's wishes. Unless a loved one is truly incompetent and is obviously being taken advantage of, who are we to say who gets what when that time comes? Focusing on inheritance seems a bit morbid and, in my own opinion, greedy. I do not expect anything from anyone--I shall therefore not be disappointed. :-) However, isn't a competent loved one supposed to use his or her funds for health care, medical and living expenses, entertainment, travel and other things to make retirement years good? If we all die broke because we took good care of ourselves and had a good time, isn't that the best way? Having children circling around an elderly parent waiting for goodies seems tasteless and greedy. We have to make our own way in life; if we truly need help and have pure intent, that help will come. That is karma. I am old enough to have seen it many times. Karma is neutral, but it is a force or a logical receipt of one's own behavior. Simply put, you get back what you put out into the world. What goes around comes around. Look around yourselves and you will see how true that is. Greedy second wives, children, whomever--will never be happy. Money does not equal happiness. Sure, we need to be smart and take care of ourselves, but what good is it to fret over Aunt Sue's china? That just doesn't matter. Go care about your loved ones and do what needs to be done if there is a truly egregious situation, but it is OK to let that person lead a life that perhaps we might question. It is not our business unless harm is being done. If there is harm, consult an elder law attorney and your local and/or state Adult Protective Services. Most states have a toll-free hotline 24/7. Call it if you suspect abuse. Otherwise, live with your loved one's choices and likes and dislikes. You will survive.
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