Mom is mismanaging her money and getting deeper in debt.
My 77 year old mom lives in a city 2 hours away. I found out through her IHSS caregiver that she is borrowing from check cashing places and not paying them back, moving from one check cashing place to the next. I've been getting calls from these places for over 6 months because she uses my name as a reference.
In addition, when I visited a couple weeks ago I went through her papers while she was asleep. I found that she has been behind on her rent for 6 months (she lives in a government subsidized senior housing apartment complex) and had a shutoff notice from the utility company because she was behind in payments.. IN addition, her phone was turned off for almost a month because she couldn't pay the bill. Her bank statement shows 5 or 6 returned checks over the past month with accompanying fees.
Meantime she has been buying clothing and jewelery, but sometimes doesn't have enough money for food. She's very low income and can't afford to be mismanaging what money she does have let alone spending extravagantly on "extras".
I've tried talking to her about her money problems but she gets angry and says it's "under control" and that it's none of my business. Meanwhile she calls me,my brother and my aunt asking to borrow money.
She does not have officially diagnosed dementia or alzheimer's but I"ve noticed her short term memory is deteriorating. I'm not sure what to do about this. I see her getting into a debt spiral that is impossible to get out of, not to mention the threat of shut-off utilities and no food. Any experience around this would be appreciated.
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Wherever you are, no, no, no, don't give up. Bankruptcy sucks but it is meant to give people second chances. Life is ALL about second chances. Don't let your life be over. If you have to, come to Arkansas and get into OurHouse or one of the programs for people who become homeless and need to start over. Don't harm yourself, despair may seem appropriate now but no, no, no, there will come a day when you have hope again if you hang on and get help. Maybe your family and friends let you down, maybe you just hid your problems form them too well - either they did not care enough to stop you from digging your hole deeper, or they thought you would be OK. But don't let yourself down, don't sell yourself short.
Behaviors w/o consequences are apt to be repeated, and she needs to learn from her own mistakes.
Let Mom know you and brother are there for her when she is ready to accept your help, and then step back.
Lordy, this is hard, isn't it? When I look at the aging process I have a hard time believing in "intelligent design." :-)
When I was up there last week for her 4th visit to the hospital since Christmas, the doctors and I strongly urged her to consider moving to assisted living. She got angry and refused to talk about it, and when I offered to go look at some places for or with her she told me not to get involved and that she would "let me know" when she was ready to think about it. She doesn't want our help or advice. It's sad that things got to this crisis point. My brother and I are considering letting the eviction procedures continue because it may be the only way she will be persuaded to move into assisted living.
I can identify. I'm guessing that my mom is about 20k -25k in debt (but I don't know for sure because she won't tell me exactly how much she has on her credit cards, and she has several). I do know that she upped a personal loan about a year ago to 16k to pay off credit cards that are now maxed out again.
She's always been the "bill payer" of the family, for as long as I can remember but in the last few months, she's missed paying a couple important ones, and put off paying many until they were nearly too late.
She too, is stubborn, obstinate, and gets downright angry when you try to talk to her about what's really going on. I don't want it to get "bad" before her and I both 'know' what's really going on. But, because of her need for control, getting a POA, medical or otherwise, is something I fear I will have to wait on until things DO get worse, much worse.
For me, (though my situation isn't as bad as yours, and my mother does live with me, at least so far), my approach is to just let it be, and let her deal with the consequences of her behavior. I don't know what else to do, I KNOW things aren't right with her, but she won't even consider talking about it... she just gets defensive.
Perhaps someone here in the forum can help you understand at what point it is no longer their choice...??
I'm sorry that I can't do much more than offer understanding... I'm struggling myself. But know that I DO understand how hard it is. :)
she is aware of all these things. She seems to think she is entitled or beyond the rules. She gets angry if anyone questions her motives or ways of doing things. She's always been that way so nothing new. However she is on major pain meds and has been for years, morphine and other narcotics, so they are clouding her judgment in my opinion. She's also had a couple of minor strokes which might also be affecting her judgment. combine that with a very stubborn personality and it's even more difficult to confront her about these things.
The last time I mentioned medical POA to her she was not receptive. I'm afraid that because of her current money mismanagement she won't have money for food; that's what the last check cashing loan went for.
That said, I also needed to get hold of my Mom's QVC card and take it out of her wallet "for safekeeping..."
Mismanaging finances is often one of the first noticeable signs of dementia. Perhaps a good starting point would be a thorough physical and mental evaluation, so you have a better idea of what you are dealing with.