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Still in shock. My mom will not answer her phone so I will have to drive over there to tell her. Could have never gone through this journey without this site. Racked with guilt of what I could have done differently.
So sorry for your loss. I still miss my Dad everyday. I understand, the guilty feelings. But we do the best we can and cannot do anymore than that. You and yours will be in my prayers, may God bless you.
Oh, Karsten, I'm so very sorry to learn of your father's passing. You put so much into good care for your father. You willingly fought battles for him and ensured that he was cared for as best as possible.
I could tell when I read your posts that you were devoted; you put him before yourself, and tried to balance caring for your mother as well.
Know that your father may just have decided to give up and ease himself away from the challenges he was facing. But know also that he would have recognized your devotion, even if he may have appeared to be unaware.
The nurses told me that hearing ability increases at death and that my father could hear everything I said, even if he didn't respond. So I'm confident that your father knew and appreciated the dedication and strength you showed in caring for him.
I wish you peace in your soul, confidence that you did everything you could, no recriminations as so many of us go through, strength to deal with your mother's probably intense and so sad reaction at the loss of her husband, and enough rest for you that you can quickly begin to recall the happier times.
i just want to add that without even needing to know you, what I do know for a fact is that most of us here, are here because we want to honestly do our very best for our loved ones, we want them to be cared for in the best possible way, we want them to feel loved and relevant, we worry about their mental, emotional and physical health....we really care and we really try.
You really tried. And you achieved it.
How do I know? Simply because you’re here, sharing your broken heart with us and wishing you had done things differently to help him even more. That, is love. That is someone that did his/her best...no doubt. And I can assure you that if you had actually done everything differently, you’d still be feeling the same: that you wish you had done things better.
That is simply because nothing, absolutely nothing is enough for the people we love! Yet, that doesn’t take away from all we do, and all you did and keep doing.
What a blessing your dad had in you! What a blessing your mom has in you! You are also blessed for having them in your life. Find some consolation in the peace that comes from realizing that your dad is now free from the sadness, pain and the many limitations that come with aging and illness, imagine him finally free and at peace, and looking at you with love and pride for the person you are and all the generosity you had in your heart specially through the last stages of his life.
Today your love for him just became inmutable, everlasting.
May God embrace you and your mom with His immense love and fill your hearts with acceptance and peace as you go through this!
Thank you all. As said, I don't know how I could have dealt with recent weeks without the support of people I have never met but in cyberspace. I feel guilty because we moved my dad around a lot in recent weeks, and I am afraid that startled him. Today, my mom and I went there around lunch, and they had not wheeled him into lunch saying they preferred to let him rest. My mom and I requested that they tried to feed him. They did, and he began vomiting, and breathing heavily. I fear that had we not done this he would still be alive. On the other hand, he was not living . This moment was going to happen either today, three days from now, three weeks from now three months from now but no longer than that. I happen to believe he is in heaven now, but despite ones religious beliefs (and not judging anyone for having different beliefs or no beliefs) I think most would agree hes in a better place. Of course, some say being in severe dementia isn't so bad. Maybe the dementia patient is not suffering like the family I picked up my mom and went to the nursing home. Another brother met us there. (Ihave another brother in North Carolina). The hospice called and wanted to send over a nurse, but there were several deaths tonight (I don't know who they were, but feel a connection with them now) so they sent over a hospice chaplain and given our familys beliefs this worked out very well. I am afraid I am in shock now and not even feeling the worst of it. Of course my dad was 93, was in very good health until 91, so he or our family was not shortchanged. I know of so many such more tragic stories. But despite my trying to rationalize it this way, I still feel terrible Thank you all for helping me on this. I just worry how I will sleep or feel in the morning. But when the phone rang at ten thirty, and I saw the number of the nursing home, I knew it was bad news. Thank you all again. Everyone here has been very helpful.
Most people here know I 'shoot from the hip' and have weird ideas.
I would like you to think of the heart as an onion. (Told you I was weird. :) )
It has many different layers. The outside skin - protection. Lots and lots of layers - these are the layers of the heart that you have loved with - in so many different ways and so many times. The leaves - the parts you show the world - but not the 'whole' you. The roots - this is what shaped you into the lovely caring person you are today.
The centre - the heart if you will - the part where you will ALWAYS hold your most dear ones. It is deceptive, so much can be stored here and you will always have space for more. Sometime it may feel like it is breaking but it is flexible. It has protection, all the love you have shared and given - keeps it strong.
He is on the road now, heading to a far better place than earth. He will be smiling now. No pain and he can run again. He knows the love he had showered upon him. I am sure he sends it back in bucket loads.
He is always with you.
Sending you hugs and love, from my heart to yours.. You need to stay strong a little longer, then you can relax and move forward.
Thanks Buzzy, I just cannot go to sleep figuring I will have dreams where my dad is alive then I will wake up horrified. I do appreciate your admonition to stay stronger a little longer, I do need to do that for my mom and brothers.
Dreams are there for a reason. I dreamt of my dad for weeks after he had gone. Still do occasionally. I used to try and tell him (in my dream that he could not be here, he had to move on. He told me, he would, as soon as he knew I would be OK.
He is your Angel now, and will always be with you, looking over your shoulder. He is gone from this earth, but never gone from your heart.
My mom passed away 5 years ago 4/25. She passed @ 3am. After my brother & I spent alittle time with her we left to go home, which was less than 10 miles away. I remember driving home that morning as dawn approached and the night was ending and thinking - she’s gone, my rock, my love, my mother. What kind of world will it be without her? But then I knew she was free - from her misery of dementia, not being able to walk, toilet herself, read or anything. My mother was a very resilient woman who took adversity by the horns and always moved forward. I knew that was what she wanted from me. But that ride home felt eery to me, sort of like a twilight zone. Like a spirit trance or something I can’t describe.
I wish you strength in the days ahead...the daughter your dad so lovingly raised. Represent him well going forward. That’s the best legacy our now gone parents can have.
Karsten, I am so sorry. I am crying for you and reading others beautiful and heartfelt comments from people who have been through this. How will we go on without our loved ones? We do everything we can, wanting to keep them with us forever. But it’s not meant to be. And even doing our very best, can’t change that. You made him proud, I’m sure of that. Try to get these last images out of your head and try to replace them with the last time you laughed together, or the warmth of the last time he hugged you. I hope somehow that will bring you comfort and you will be able to feel his presence. You’re a good daughter and your mom is lucky to have you.
Karsten, you have my sympathy. It is normal to try to explain the inexplicable, but please don't blame yourself for caring enough to try to make his life better.
Karsten, sending hugs and prayers for you and your family. When you read this, look in a mirror and repeat out loud --- 'I did my best'. NO ONE can expect any more! Life is a journey and you walked with Dad to the end. None of us are on the earth forever. Your newest angel is looking over you and Mom and thanking you for every effort you made. Call a nearby spa and book a massage for total relaxation. then come home and climb into bed for a well deserved rest.
K, yesterday was the 7 year anniversary of my mother’s passing. You are not alone in second guessing and shock. You were there. You advocated. You loved. You will love. Take care of you in all this too. My mom was 74.
Rosses, beautifully said; your words brought tears to my eyes. But they also comforted me as I faced the same self doubt after my father's death. I still do, but I'm going to copy the posts from this and from other consolation threads and post them prominently where I can see them every day...and remember.
BuzzyBee, your analogy was fascinating, clever and comforting. Your words also comforted me. You do show a remarkable insight for analogy.
And there are so many other posts here which raise issues of doing as much as we can yet still feeling as though more could be done. We do second guess ourselves; I think that's normal. And as many have stated, we have to remember that we've done the best we can under challenging circumstances. These are times when, regardless of what we've done and feel, we still question ourselves, because the result is SO final.
Whenever I think of my father and my loss, I try to think that he's now free from the mortal and physical challenges of his last days, and wherever his soul is, he's probably already planning his next woodworking project!
Karsten, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I can’t add much to all the kind thoughts others have expressed but just know it will get easier. My mom died about 3 weeks ago. I had trouble sleeping for a few days. I was haunted much more by her suffering in her final weeks than I was by her death. It was relief for her and everyone around her to see the pain finally end.
Don’t be afraid to take a mild sleeping pill for a few days. You need to rest. Good luck to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. But I hope you find peace within you. We all do the best we can, given the limited knowledge and experience we may have. From your narration, it seems that you explored many options, weighed them carefully and made decisions the best way you knew how. That is enough.
In the end, I am sure your dad appreciated the love and care you gave him.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know from reading your posts that your dad has been blessed to have you in his corner and I have no doubt he knew he was loved. I wish peace and comfort for you
Thanks again to everyone. Your comments both bring me to tears and comfort me. I will admit I am still haunted that had we not forced the nurse to fee him for lunch causing a vomiting reaction, he would still be here. But as others here have said, and the hospice nurse said, he reacted this way to food as his body was shutting down. But I am sure many of you know how guilt can get in the way. And also he would not have lasted much longer anyway from this wretched disease. And maybe that's good.
My brother from North Carolina called to remind me that I had been the main guy helping my dad for ten weeks now and was a hero of sorts. And that is good to hear. But in my glass half empty way of thinking about things, I feel I am hurting the worst now as the person I spent the bulk of my days watching over and caring over his gone, and now my life is empty. My dad had been my purpose for a few months now.
Karsten, early in the day that my mom passed, the Hospice aide tried to feed my mom some soup. She got a whole lot in ( mom hadn't eaten anything but some Italian ices in days) and we were so heartened that perhaps she was turning a good corner. And then it all came out, or up, not sure which. Sweetie, stop blaming yourself. It was dad's time. We love you. ((((Hugs)))))
Kar, just so you undestand how this all work; 8 months after my mom's totally expectable death, I'm stiill second guessing myself over having insisted that we call in hospice ( she had fallen, was in pain, was refusing to get out of bed).
I think this is part of the over responsible child thing. Please try to get past the idea that you could have done something different......
Thanks again all. I am going through what I assume is the normal range of emotions from thinking it was just his time and its a blessing for him, and I feel sort of matter of fact about it, to on the other extreme, just breaking down. What has been bothering me lately is I was not there at his bedside when he died. He died at ten thirty and the nurse called me to tell me and said he had started going downhill at seven. When I got there, I asked the nurse why they didn't call me when he started going downhill. She said he was getting worse, but she had not thought death was immiment. She said it was her fault. I reassured her it was not her fault. But I do wish she would have called. I don't know maybe it would have been torture sititng there and watching him breathe his last. Some say people sometimes wait to be alone to die, though I don't know if I buy into that. But at any rate, my latest guilt trip is not being there when he exited this world. I wonder if he was aware we were not there, and if that caused him sadness. More likely, he wasn't aware of what was happening, but I don't know.
Karsten, we'll never really know if our parents pass while we're there, and know the comfort of having us there, or if they are able to leave when we're not so that we are spared the trauma of being there at the specific time they die.
My father and I stayed with my sister, each holding one of her hands, while we slept sitting upright. Suddenly I awoke, with no specific prompting or reason. I just felt something would happen. She passed 45 minutes later.
My father passed 50 minutes after I left the SNF. I had been with him for hours earlier; a few times his heavy breathing slowed down, and I thought he was more calm. Now I wonder if he was trying to leave, but didn't want to do so while I was there.
I will never know, but I remind myself I was there when he needed comfort, and that's probably the best I could do.
You will find yourself alternating between the emotions you describe, of feeling relief that the suffering is over, but also feeling guilt that you didn't "do more", even if you couldn't possibly do anything else.
I think this is a part of being human, of loving someone, yet trying to come to terms with their deaths.
There's no way we can ever know what our loved ones were thinking; perhaps we don't need to know. Perhaps we should believe what makes us feel the most comfortable, as we need to continue on until our own time comes. And we need to balance the conflicting feelings we feel.
Think more about what you did for him, about the relationship you had, and just let yourself "be you" as you move forward.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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You did the best you could. You weren’t the only one making decisions. I am so sorry for your loss.
You and yours will be in my prayers, may God bless you.
Your dad is now at peace. I hope you will find peace in your heart, too.
I could tell when I read your posts that you were devoted; you put him before yourself, and tried to balance caring for your mother as well.
Know that your father may just have decided to give up and ease himself away from the challenges he was facing. But know also that he would have recognized your devotion, even if he may have appeared to be unaware.
The nurses told me that hearing ability increases at death and that my father could hear everything I said, even if he didn't respond. So I'm confident that your father knew and appreciated the dedication and strength you showed in caring for him.
I wish you peace in your soul, confidence that you did everything you could, no recriminations as so many of us go through, strength to deal with your mother's probably intense and so sad reaction at the loss of her husband, and enough rest for you that you can quickly begin to recall the happier times.
You've been running hard through this, so please try and rest in the days ahead - you were dad's hero
Karsten,
i just want to add that without even needing to know you, what I do know for a fact is that most of us here, are here because we want to honestly do our very best for our loved ones, we want them to be cared for in the best possible way, we want them to feel loved and relevant, we worry about their mental, emotional and physical health....we really care and we really try.
You really tried. And you achieved it.
How do I know? Simply because you’re here, sharing your broken heart with us and wishing you had done things differently to help him even more.
That, is love.
That is someone that did his/her best...no doubt.
And I can assure you that if you had actually done everything differently, you’d still be feeling the same: that you wish you had done things better.
That is simply because nothing, absolutely nothing is enough for the people we love! Yet, that doesn’t take away from all we do, and all you did and keep doing.
What a blessing your dad had in you! What a blessing your mom has in you! You are also blessed for having them in your life. Find some consolation in the peace that comes from realizing that your dad is now free from the sadness, pain and the many limitations that come with aging and illness, imagine him finally free and at peace, and looking at you with love and pride for the person you are and all the generosity you had in your heart specially through the last stages of his life.
Today your love for him just became inmutable, everlasting.
May God embrace you and your mom with His immense love and fill your hearts with acceptance and peace as you go through this!
I am so sorry for your loss.
Most people here know I 'shoot from the hip' and have weird ideas.
I would like you to think of the heart as an onion. (Told you I was weird. :) )
It has many different layers.
The outside skin - protection.
Lots and lots of layers - these are the layers of the heart that you have loved with - in so many different ways and so many times.
The leaves - the parts you show the world - but not the 'whole' you.
The roots - this is what shaped you into the lovely caring person you are today.
The centre - the heart if you will - the part where you will ALWAYS hold your most dear ones. It is deceptive, so much can be stored here and you will always have space for more. Sometime it may feel like it is breaking but it is flexible. It has protection, all the love you have shared and given - keeps it strong.
He is on the road now, heading to a far better place than earth. He will be smiling now. No pain and he can run again. He knows the love he had showered upon him. I am sure he sends it back in bucket loads.
He is always with you.
Sending you hugs and love, from my heart to yours.. You need to stay strong a little longer, then you can relax and move forward.
Buzzy x x
Dreams are there for a reason. I dreamt of my dad for weeks after he had gone. Still do occasionally. I used to try and tell him (in my dream that he could not be here, he had to move on. He told me, he would, as soon as he knew I would be OK.
Take care. Hugs
Your dad had complex comorbidities that were life limiting. His body was shutting down and when that process starts, no one can do anything about it.
Please be gentle with yourself I the coming days and weeks.
((((((Hugs)))))). B
He is your Angel now, and will always be with you, looking over your shoulder. He is gone from this earth, but never gone from your heart.
My mom passed away 5 years ago 4/25. She passed @ 3am. After my brother & I spent alittle time with her we left to go home, which was less than 10 miles away. I remember driving home that morning as dawn approached and the night was ending and thinking - she’s gone, my rock, my love, my mother. What kind of world will it be without her? But then I knew she was free - from her misery of dementia, not being able to walk, toilet herself, read or anything. My mother was a very resilient woman who took adversity by the horns and always moved forward. I knew that was what she wanted from me. But that ride home felt eery to me, sort of like a twilight zone. Like a spirit trance or something I can’t describe.
I wish you strength in the days ahead...the daughter your dad so lovingly raised. Represent him well going forward. That’s the best legacy our now gone parents can have.
BuzzyBee, your analogy was fascinating, clever and comforting. Your words also comforted me. You do show a remarkable insight for analogy.
And there are so many other posts here which raise issues of doing as much as we can yet still feeling as though more could be done. We do second guess ourselves; I think that's normal. And as many have stated, we have to remember that we've done the best we can under challenging circumstances. These are times when, regardless of what we've done and feel, we still question ourselves, because the result is SO final.
Whenever I think of my father and my loss, I try to think that he's now free from the mortal and physical challenges of his last days, and wherever his soul is, he's probably already planning his next woodworking project!
Don’t be afraid to take a mild sleeping pill for a few days. You need to rest. Good luck to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. But I hope you find peace within you. We all do the best we can, given the limited knowledge and experience we may have. From your narration, it seems that you explored many options, weighed them carefully and made decisions the best way you knew how. That is enough.
In the end, I am sure your dad appreciated the love and care you gave him.
My brother from North Carolina called to remind me that I had been the main guy helping my dad for ten weeks now and was a hero of sorts. And that is good to hear. But in my glass half empty way of thinking about things, I feel I am hurting the worst now as the person I spent the bulk of my days watching over and caring over his gone, and now my life is empty. My dad had been my purpose for a few months now.
My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved dad. Thinking of your during this sad time. Sending you hugs.
Everything you write reminds me so much of my own journey. I know its hard. Please know we are with you.
I think this is part of the over responsible child thing. Please try to get past the idea that you could have done something different......
My father and I stayed with my sister, each holding one of her hands, while we slept sitting upright. Suddenly I awoke, with no specific prompting or reason. I just felt something would happen. She passed 45 minutes later.
My father passed 50 minutes after I left the SNF. I had been with him for hours earlier; a few times his heavy breathing slowed down, and I thought he was more calm. Now I wonder if he was trying to leave, but didn't want to do so while I was there.
I will never know, but I remind myself I was there when he needed comfort, and that's probably the best I could do.
You will find yourself alternating between the emotions you describe, of feeling relief that the suffering is over, but also feeling guilt that you didn't "do more", even if you couldn't possibly do anything else.
I think this is a part of being human, of loving someone, yet trying to come to terms with their deaths.
There's no way we can ever know what our loved ones were thinking; perhaps we don't need to know. Perhaps we should believe what makes us feel the most comfortable, as we need to continue on until our own time comes. And we need to balance the conflicting feelings we feel.
Think more about what you did for him, about the relationship you had, and just let yourself "be you" as you move forward.