So, today we buried a congregant. She was 79 and apparently had been suffering with metastatic breast cancer for several years. Had not told her "kids" nor anyone in our close-knit synagogue community.
Her children are shocked and dismayed by her "sudden" death. They both live at quite a distance from her and I wonder how that could have been managed.
Some folks in my community are saying "how selfish". A bigger bunch of us, seeing that she managed to do her death "her way" are fist bumping "way to go -----".
I can see both sides of the issue. I will say this - my dear BIL who died way too young of lung cancer kept the seriousness of his illness from all of us. I think his biggest reason was while he was going through chemo for lung cancer, my SIL (his wife) was ALSO going through chemo for breast cancer (yes, they were both long time smokers!). My SIL is one of those kinds of people that would have put HER health aside to take care of her husband, and then their three kids (the youngest of whom was 8) would have lost both parents to cancer. So I can understand his refusal to let anyone know how bad his illness had become.
BUT - my husband, to this day, is still upset that his brother went through all of that alone, with no sort of support. I told DH "your brother did not want to put you in the position of having to keep such a terrible secret from everyone - me, his wife and kids, your parents, your other siblings, etc." and he tells me he understands also why BIL made the choice he did; but DH is still haunted by the fact his beloved big brother had to face it alone.
It's a terrible decision to have to make either way. Hopefully, one day we might know a world with no cancer. Probably not in my lifetime, nor my kids, but maybe the next generation.
I bet she was blessed to have known you in person. You are a wise woman, who is a help to this forum.
May God give you comfort in your grief.
I hope everyone left behind gets peace from this by understanding that it was her choice.
I'm so sorry for your loss, dear Barb. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
Just before my mom's 80th B'day she was scheduled for open heart surgery which turned into a triple bypass. I found out cause I was at her place and happened to glance at her calendar where she had written surgery. I was sooo upset and angry at her. She and I were very close. That she would try and withhold that from me just did not sit well with me at all. I mean what if she had died during that surgery? It all turned out well in the end but still.
I am not expecting bad news with my biopsy but in the event that it is I really don't think I'll tell my siblings. But my reasons for this are because I don't have a good relationship with my siblings. I don't feel that it's any of their business and if I were to tell them, knowing them they probably wouldn't come over and surround me with love anyways.
Barb, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Nobody knows why people do the things they do. There could be valid reasons why your friend didn't share her news. It's not always a selfish decision.
My sister didn't tell anyone until she ended up in the emergency room because her vertebrae were breaking from being eat up with cancer. She believed that God's will would be done and that was that.
Your friend wasn't selfish. I pray that all the people that are reeling from the shock of her death find peace and comfort and come to the understanding that she did what she felt was best for her.
GG, I don't think she would have been able to pull this off if it weren't for COVID. We have been holding services on Zoom and friend would attend with her camera off (as do many) and no one thought anything of it as she was always a bit of a technophobe.
She was indeed a strong, determined woman and will be sorely missed.