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Some of you guys have been following my story with my struggle to move my mom to AL. I finally got her moved a few months ago. They called me last night to let me know she was found in her room unresponsive. I'm struggling hard with my dad just passing late last year and now my mom. I am feeling a lot of guilt because I was one of those people who said "I just wish she'd pass away" because I was so stressed and frustrated with everything. I ignored her calls and didn't see her because of the way she always talked so hatefully to me. Now she passed away alone and not in a good way, thinking her only daughter probably hated her. That was the only family I had left. I have my partner and I'm so grateful to him but I'm feeling terribly alone as I don't have a mom or dad to be here for me anymore.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure though, that other members will say that most times, our LOs do die alone. My Mom was pronounced dead 20 min after we visited. If you have any faith you know someone was there to guide her across. Grieve the relationship that your Mom did not allow you to have because she was hateful not because you were not a good daughter. You did what you could within the boundries you had to set. Forgive her but please no guilt. You are not guilty of anything. She did not appreciate the beautiful daughter she had.
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Amen, JoAnn... well said.
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I'm very sorry for your loss. May you receive peace in your heart and be comforted by the fact that you did your best and that's the most any daughter can do.
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VeryTired, I'm so sorry for your loss.

You were a good daughter and got your mom the care she needed, even though it wasn't what she wanted.

This is from one of your posts:
"My mom was very verbally abusive and mean to me as a kid. She was terrible to me after my dad passed recently and it made me resent her even more. I still took care of her in regards to getting her care. "

If you had left her alone in her squalid house, she still would have died, only MORE alone and in a filthy home.

Please try to find peace with the good choices you made.
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I’m very sorry, verytired.

Most ppl cannot be around literally 247, not even family caregivers. There is a cance with most of us that we will pass alone, and at the end it is as solitary an experience as being born.

Theres a thread here called is it wrong to hope someone dies. The consensus is that this is very common.
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When my mother was breathing the 'death rattle' at the end of her life, with hours left to live, I took my DH by the hand and we left the Memory Care ALF and went home to wait for 'the call' to come in, letting me know that she had passed. I did not want to be there to witness her taking her last breath, and to be left with THAT image in my mind as my final memory of my mother. It was a conscious choice I made, and I did the same thing with my father.

I was a very good daughter, who had a difficult mother my whole life. I still loved her and did every single thing within my power to keep her safe and secure for the past 10.5 years; same with my father who passed in 2015. I too was stressed and frustrated with her behavior and rancor towards me, and I prayed DAILY that God would come and take her Home. Not b/c I hated her or b/c she was such a pain in my arse, but b/c she was suffering with advanced dementia and about 10 other issues that made her misery even worse than it had been her whole life. She knew I didn't 'hate' her b/c I did everything FOR her, just as you did for YOUR mother. Don't put ideas into your head out of a false sense of guilt where none is warranted.

My father told me my whole life that "We come into this world alone & we die alone." That's a fact. Even if you and I were sitting there holding our mother's hand as they took their last breath, they STILL would have died alone. I firmly believe that a soul departs before their body dies. Meaning they're long gone before the body gives up, watching us from above and feeling sad that we're going through all that trauma, while they are at perfect peace.

Take THAT thought with you as you move forward now, without guilt b/c you did nothing wrong. You were a good daughter, as was I, who did what we could for difficult mothers when others in our shoes may have given them up to state guardianship! We stuck it out to the bitter end and now WE deserve peace ourselves. To impose MORE punishment on ourselves NOW, after it's all said and done, is the ultimate torture that no human being deserves. And certainly not a loving human being who's gone above and beyond the call of duty for her mother during her lifetime!

Enough.

Allow yourself to grieve this loss and to then move on with YOUR life. You deserve to.

My condolences on your loss, my friend. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
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Woah there. It was only last night? Give yourself a chance.

I'm sorry for your loss. When you've had time to regain some perspective you'll be better able to mourn her without the guilt complications. Wishing you comfort.
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That happens when some "advisors" keep telling people about all the wonderful results that caregivers can obtain by using the do's and don't's and other "strategies" to improve the demented person and keep them alive. When things fail, the family caregivers feel guilty for not having done enough. If they had known from the very beginning about the limitations for helping people with dementia, and about ignoring the nonsense that their deranged mind speaks, they wouldn't take it so personally when they die.
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I am sorry for your loss. I do know that for me it was almost all relief when my parents passed and I no longer had to see any suffering, fear any suffering, and they had no worries. They both were in 90s and tired and had had wonderful lives. Try to change out your G-word. You are not a felon so there should be no feelings of guilt. Do know that felons aren't good people and usually feel no guilt. You are a good person, not god. You are not omnipotent. You did the best you could. You are a human being with limitations. Try to celebrate the good years your Mom had. Try to take heart in the fact your Mom lived long, and had a life, and now has no suffering ahead of her. That she did not suffer at the end. You are GRIEVING. And this is WORTH grieving. So use the right G word for it.
We can never be ready for this loss, but I do know my own daughter is well aware of what is coming now I am 80, and she is well ready and she is strong and prepared to live her life ongoing without me. I want her to CELEBRATE me, not mourn me. Were she to feel guilt about me, how does THAT honor me. She does me honor when she stops and smells the roses.
Go out, make some friends. And yes, of course remember and grieve AND celebrate your Mom as well.
Again, I am so sorry for your grieving, but call it by the right name.
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I am sorry for your loss. May peace be with you.
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