My mom had a tough year. (I’ve posted before) She broke her hip, never fully recovered. I was very close to my mom and have 3 dysfunctional selfish sisters who only helped at their convenience or didn’t help at all this year. Without getting into each detail I was my mom’s primary care provider and only daughter working, married and raising active teenage boys. Sisters don’t work and don’t always have kids full time but I was left with all responsibility. I tried my best this last year to provide my mom with best life possible, tried to make her life as happy and joyful as I could. My sisters didnt help and often I’d have to take my mom in because daughters would not commit. My mom had a few bouts of UTIs, cdiff, a stroke, 3 surgeries to fix hip, very weak bones, severe fall risk and some mental decline. I was over there everyday I went to have tea, cook meals shower her, shop etc. I got her better healthcare, paid her bills, made all doctor appts, follow ups etc and finally was going to get her in assisted living (she didn’t want to go but I knew it was best). She was in and out of hospitals and rehabs all year. Covid was tough as visitation was none to limited. When she could have a visitor I was there. I always dropped care packages off, coffee, magazines etc. it was a full time job on top of my other responsibilities. My mom never came home from any stays there same. I don’t think her care was great in these places. Just a hunch although I know it was not all bad. My mom finally came home after 3 months of rehab (non weight bearing after hip because pelvis was cracked and soft). She lasted maybe 4 weeks. These weeks were full of turmoil. I tried my best do care for her. Her doctor got aides to come in (she hated this). My sisters fell short. All basically alcoholics who didn’t care if they saw her or promised her things like shower, fix stuff, food shop etc ( I could go on and on here). I got frustrated as I had been thru a year of this already and have a job (I’m bread winner) and teenage boys who need me too and one heading to college and they play sports etc. I had many arguments with my mom(feeling regret) and was so mad at my sisters for treating my mom like dirt. My mom always defending them but did thank me. My sisters caused me to argue with my mom. She always gave them a pass while I sacrificed my own family and job to pick up their messes and fix disappointments and broken promises to my mom. Not knowing my mom would get sick, go to hospital and pass literally within a week I have such mixed emotions. I did get to apologize for arguing. We did have a couple good weeks where I brought her dinner, we talked, I expressed my concerns and anger about my sisters (why say you will shower your mom and not show up or call for days???) my mom knew how much I cared and how much I loved her but I never really discussed issues about sisters with my mom until those final weeks. I didn’t know she would pass so soon. I know she knows I cared and did everything for her, loved her. I told her in the hospital she was my best friend and the best mother. However I feel so sad I argued about sisters with her. I couldn’t help it sometimes. Nobody cared about me, my job, my husband or my kids or our mom. It was getting old and I was afraid the whole year was going to repeat itself. I feel bad my mom never really had peace in her life. I tried but realize with the state of my sisters my mom was never going to have peace. My mom suffered trying to breathe those last few days of her life. We never imagined she would pass this way. Once doctors told us she wasn’t leaving hospital my mom didn’t want to talk about it. So we didn’t. I was lucky my mom picked me as her one visitor in ICU. My sisters barely showed up to hospital in time to say good bye. I ache for my mom. I don’t want relationships with my sisters either. I’m just so mixed up. I hope my mom knew I was trying to do my best.
What I picked up from your rant (yes, you're entitled to several) is that:
1. your mom was thankful for your care
2. you had quality time with your mom in her final years
3. your mom valued you and certainly appreciated all you did
4. you can have the peace of knowing you did all you could for your mom
Hold on to those truths. Use them to block out the negativity about your sisters. As many on this forum will attest, no matter how many children a person has, most or all of care when they fall ill falls on one child.
For your own sake, forgive your sisters. There's nothing they can do or say now to make up for their lack. Waiting for that will only interfere with your grief process and getting on with a healthy life.
Whatever your belief system, I pray it will give you the peace of mind you deserve.
Well done. You're a good daughter.
As to your sisters, you are in many ways free of them, now your Mom is gone. So allow that to be the case. Once all the arrangements are over, all of the settling out of things, move on to friends and family and make certain you keep around you the quality "family" you make for yourself. Let the others go their own ways. We aren't able to control the actions of others.
Do remember that sometimes we allow ourselves an "out" from grief. That out can be anything, but it is most often anger. Anger at other family members, angers at doctors, anger at hospital, anger at divisions of an estate. That anger helps us not look at pain, because most anger is a varnish we pain over pain. Let the anger go as soon as you are able. We can't change others. If you need help dealing with the anger and need just to wash it out, to king of vomit it all over the place, see a therapist. They get paid to do the cleanup.
I wish you a healing, a relief of your grief. If you must descend into anger be certain you spend an equal amount of time trying to retrieve good things, beautiful memories and hopes. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that The Lord blesses you with grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
Your sisters are who they are. Love them for who they are, for your mom, if nothing else. She knew who they are and what could she say really? She loved them and love covers a multitude of sin. Just know that you can not depend on them and that you must create and enforce strong boundaries.
Your mom was very blessed to have you and your family. Great big warm hug!
Your Mom chose you to visit in ICU. You were the one to be there, under very difficult circumstances, with severe limitations on visiting and on your time due to responsibilities.
As for 'understanding addiction', you may be in denial about how much you do know and understand. You learned first of all that a person with dependencies and addiction cannot be counted upon, and will always disappoint.
And, you cannot change your sisters.
With teenage boys, (congratulations one going to college!) you won't have much time to waste focusing on sister's failings, or wondering about forgiveness of your sisters. You have an important job before you. And there will be very little time to grieve, and to take care of yourself. No time for people who cannot also be there for you, imo.
Do take care of yourself. Do not doubt yourself-you are only one person. You are all that Mom had. And you were there for her. That is enough. You were more than enough, and did everything in your power to give Mom what she needed at the end of her life. She had to go, it was her time, sadly. Many people struggle to breathe at end of life. You may come to accept this.
Sorry for this sad time in your life. Give yourself time, it takes time.
Regarding your sisters and ‘forgiveness’, I’ve found it impossible to ‘forgive’ when it’s a continuing situation. Now that you and your mother don’t need them, I’d suggest that you drop contact to a complete minimum (eg just a card at Christmas) until the pain is less raw. In two or three years, it may be easier to put these bad times into the back of your mind, and have some sort of relationship with them for the remainder of your lives. Perhaps the possibility of that happening might be a way you 'compensate' for the argument you felt you had to have earlier, but now regret.
Best wishes for the recovery of you and of your family. Yours, Margaret