I chose to return to my parents' home to be the daughter I was raised to be.
I don't believe I owe them anything. I also believe that they were good to me, as parents go.
I also struggle with my feelings. I am becoming kinder and more patient as I see them decline.
There may come a time when I have to face that Mom needs hygiene. My plan is to hire a caregiver to give baths two or three times a week.
They are declining fast.
I feel bad for Mom, but we are now at the place where I have to push her hand away because I am no longer a child. This happens when she touches my buttocks or anywhere near my groin area.
She felt it was her right to touch me, growing up. I don't know if this is common, but I definitely believe that Mom will need a professional for bathing. I want to avoid humiliation and shame for both of us.
I can handle the toileting, because it is brief. I will not be able to stomach sustained contact with her body.
Some of the contact between Mom and me-as-a-child occurred in the same bathroom. It might have been intended with love, but it was recieved with shame.
Other women I know had similar contact with a Mom and seem to be okay with it.
Thanks for listening
I have two teenage daughters. When they were babies and toddlers, I held and kissed them all the time. I washed and bathed them and cleaned their bodies.
As they got older and understood their body parts and could start cleaning themselves, I let them handle the job. From that point on, I NEVER EVER touched them at or near their private parts or even their buttocks. When I want to hold or kiss them, I ask first. They learned at a young age that they had control over their bodies and who could touch them with their permission.
It is not normal to have someone, even their own mother, touch them where no one should. When your mother touched you, you felt shame. That was because your inner self was telling you what your mother did wasn't right. Listen to it.
I don't get how other women you know had similar contact with their mothers the way you did with yours. Maybe you and they come from a different culture than I do.
As for the baths, my mother is now 83 and still can use the toilet and clean herself. I give her one shower a week when the weather is cold, and now that it's hot, I give her a shower twice a week. It seems to be fine. She keeps herself clean enough between baths. Some people need more frequent cleaning if they wear diapers or incontinent. My mom is not there yet.
I think it's a good idea that you will hire someone to give her a bath. You will avoid having to see her naked and her having opportunities to touch you where NO ONE should without your permission.
Thank You for understanding.
This topic is still difficult for people to address.
As an American kid, I grew up thinking that I was just a "Momma's girl".
I see, now, that she couldn't help it. She didn't even know how to recognize her compulsive needs as anything other than the "love" of a concerned mother.
Thanks again.
D
The shame should be squarely on your mother’s shoulders, not yours. Abused children always feel shame because your situation was not a normal upbringing and your abuser manipulated your emotions to make you feel that way.
For you to even be there now proves to me you are resilient and strong. You are right to set your limits for hygiene or any caregiving you deem fit because now you are in charge. You are the adult. You have grown up and recognized that your mother’s behavior was abhorrent yet you still choose to look after her. You are making the rules going forward. Stand strong. You are doing what many probably wouldn’t. In my eyes you are the better person as I don’t know if I could do what you are doing.
Your shame will be difficult to overcome as your mother began early to push mother/daughter boundaries BECAUSE SHE COULD. How were you to know her behavior wasn’t normal? You were just a kid and trusted your mother to care for you. She betrayed you. The shame is on her.
I wish you continued strength while coping with your mother’s decline going forward.
If she needs bathing or anything else you are not comfortable with, hopefully mom has the resources to pay for that care out of pocket. If her care giving needs increase plan to speak with her doctors and have her placed in AL/SNF/MC according to her needs.
Hang tough, sister. It will be a rough ride but you can do it.
If you are not already use gloves when helping your mom in the bathroom. Not only will it be a physical barrier but it might also be a psychological barrier.
Anyone that you hire to care for your parents should come from their income/savings. You are not obligated to fund their care.
When the time comes and you can not handle caring for either parent begin the process of looking for a facility that will care for them (Assisted Living to Memory Care)
I also hope that you are are talking to someone about what you went through ans what you will be going through. There is no shame for you here is is your mother that should feel shame.
There are many that would not do this at all after what she did (or in some cases what the father did) so for this I congratulate you and give you a virtual hug ((hugs)).
One of the first this any caregiver is told is..."Take care of yourself first"...please remember this if caregiveing becomes more than you can handle physically, mentally, emotionally you need to stop and find other ways / other people to care for them.
(I hate to add this but I doubt your father is guiltless, he must have some idea as to what was happening so take the same mental care with him as you take with your mom)
It has been years of coming to terms with understanding that a parent who did so much for me and was good in so many ways also harmed me psychologically because of personal needs she herself didn't fully understand.
Learning to process and manage my own feelings is also ongoing. I have concluded that this skill is one of survival. There will always be conflict between the part of me that wants to love and support them and the part that wants to reject them and go back home (other side of the continent). I am much better at handling this conflict, now.
Perhaps you want to read some of those yourself to see if there's any similarity to your experience. Also, you may want to seek professional help from a good therapist to help you understand so you can move on and heal.
I am really sorry you had to endure what you did at the hand of your mother. I can't imagine the shame and the pain you felt then and the conflicting emotions you feel now.
Here's a link to one of the articles I mentioned above.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/taboo-tolerance/female-sexual-abuse-the-untold-story-of-societys-last-taboo-1767688.html
Thanks. I have done some work over the last 5 years or so, including therapy and research. Prior to that, I had some opportunity to work through my memories, but fear of rejection/denial (on the part of a therapist) usually kept me from addressing it directly. Many of those helping professionals assisted me. Many were also quite ignorant, with little motivation to learn. I got some help earlier in life, but the focus was on my psychiatric problems. I do not blame my parents for those problems. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that they were of genetic origin.
While Mom's actions were not helpful, they may or may not fall under the category of molestation. In any case, her actions impacted me.
It is significant to me that sexual abuse of children by women is not yet acknowledged as a common problem. I believe that it is.
At present, there is too much at stake for our culture to acknowledge it, but I see there are some who have made a beginning.
With Appreciation and Respect,
Donyah