Sendhelp Posted April 2017
Grieving: Things I wish I'd known about grief...
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What have you learned about grief? Can you help others with some insights, or answers to their questions? Supporting others can often help the one grieving, or maybe you have just been silent for too long. Need to vent?
If you are rehearsing the moment of death;
If you were told not to cry;
If you are having nightmares, or flashbacks;
If you are coping, recovering from your loss;
You are welcome here......
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Here are 3 things...authored or gathered by Terynobrien:
1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life will go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.
2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.
3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling.
4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.
5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living.
6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.
7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.
I like the advice in #6, Don't shut people out.
You go for it, caregiver's united!
He had been at the same hospital with Dad in the E.R., AT THE SAME TIME that my Sil had been admitted for a suicide attempt, and we had just returned from hours spent with her. I was not there when he died.
Tears, instant thoughts-we were just there-brother said not to cry.
This was just after the Sylmar Earthquake, about 1971.
8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.
9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help.
10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.
There is a reason why, in therapy, the sessions are only 45 min. to one hour, maybe intense 1-2 times a week. Focusing on this pain constantly can really distract one from the business of getting on with life, even if for a short while all you can manage is activities of daily living.
12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.
13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.
Thank you for starting this thread. Its been so hard since my dad passed. I continue to look for everything and anything to help me understand his passing. I still struggle. But I'm grateful to this forum for all the support and understanding. Thank you for sharing these tips with us.
You are most welcome, and thank you for joining in this thread. It is not really my thread, it was for people like you who have lost someone. The loss is magnified when you have been a caregiver, imo. So many are left in shock. Keep posting as the feelings come, I hope the advice (not mine) has helped you feel connected to this community of caregivers who care about you.
Credit to terynobrien.
14. It’s okay to ask for help.
15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you.
Family, friends, people in general will all disapoint and disappear.
But there is one who sticks closer than a brother.
It depends on who you place your faith in.
Not religion, no offense intended.
In reading, "Every person you will meet is having an uphill battle".
That quote is not exact, do not know the source, but it seems to pertain to every caregiver here.
Then there is this quote by a famous person about walls: "Tear down that wall!"
I hope you find some peace each day as you heal from your loss.
What you said is so true. Sad that so many of us are facing struggles with caregiving, with families, friends and colleagues. I guess its life. I know I should "tear down those walls" but the pain of loss makes it difficult. Sometimes I wrap the anger around me like a blanket. I know its not right.
We are called caregivers and yet I wonder where was I when my dad needed me the most to care for him. I had already gotten so resentful about my role in life. Everything had snowballed. And now that my dad has passed the pain, the sorrow is worst. Why didn't I think about the sorrow? I'm sure if I thought about the day my dad was gone, surely I could have found another way. And surely he would still be alive to enjoy his granddaughter and see her grow up a little bit.
Thank you for your kind wishes. I hope I can find some peace soon.
I hear you. I regret that my father had kids so late in life. He didn't see his grandchildren grow up. Its been 7 months since my father passed away and I still struggle. I wait for that day when the waves are further apart.
What could have been "just" moderately complicated has extra challenges due to Mom's paranoia and secrecy. Those of us who were left to put Humpty Dumpty back together again are working well together. That is a blessing. But I am so worn down by constantly discovering new business that must be addressed. And learning the hard way that our parents glossed over the real issues with some of their obligations and investments.
When my peers reminisce about a departed parent by re-telling shared jokes or gushing about a favorite pie, I play the game outwardly -- and sigh on the inside. I want so desperately to get past Mom's Never-Ending Chores. The longer this drags on, the harder it is for me to remember the Toll House Cookies and such.
{{{{{H U G S }}}}}}
So many hugs, you deserve to live life your way now.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for expressing how I feel. I too thought I was prepared, but I wasn't. The shock was too much. The flood of raw emotions. My anger at everyone. Me, too. I didn't realize what it meant to be on this earth without my dad.
I'm so grateful to Send for this thread. And for all of you on this site.
This year was a bit better than last year, in that I spent more of the time thinking about her life and rather less wondering if I was the only person who had noticed the date and internally raging about it.
I suppose... our memories begin to settle down and order themselves according to what was most important instead of what was most recent. I hope it's a trend. Time will tell.
Hope you were able to find a smile in the memory of your mum's birthday
and helping others to heal.
Its 9 months since my father passed away. I am going to counselling and will join a new support group in September. See how things go. I still feel like a little kid. Where is my daddy? Wish I could focus on the good memories. But I am not there yet. I am scared as some people have suggested the second year of grieving is harder than the first. Still hoping that eventually I will get to a more peaceful place about what happened.
I wanted to share this link:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things/
I hope you all find it helpful.