Update: so dad has been pressuring me to take him to uhaul or to bring him all of his money. I finally had enough courage to say no.

"I am becoming an expert at being thrown under the bus"

First of all, you can pull them under the bus with you. Just tell him that you talked to Sis, and she's afraid to tell you that you can't come.

Second, now it's time to attend to his emotions. "Dad, I am so sorry that this is the way it has to be. It must be so hard to lose your independence. I wouldn't want other people to make decisions for me. I love you and want to make you happy, but I also have a responsibility to keep you safe. I'll make a deal. If your doctor will send me a letter saying that you can safely do xxxxx, I'll help you do it.

He may or may not be manipulating you. If reality is finally setting in, he may be depressed.

Good for you and your husband for standing up to him. My husband and his brother are facing a similar situation with my mother-in-law. She keeps demanding to go home when she is in no condition to care for herself. So far they are trying to placate her and redirect her attention, as some on the forum have said works for their relatives. Not working so well for MIL. She pitches a fit, calls people names, and demands to go home NOW.

Isthisrealyreal, I see from your profile that your Dad is living in Assisted Living. I would make an appointment to meet with everyone involved with your Dad's care and ask them what is the next step, or what suggestions they might have.

I remember when my Dad was in Assisted Living/Memory Care, Dad had sundowning so as soon as that would kick in each day, in Dad's mind he was living back in the 1940's. I would get these phone calls where he would say he had been in meetings all day at work, so he had missed his bus back home, thus he will stay at the hotel near by [which was actually his Assisted Living].

With my Dad I learned to just agree with him, humor him, when he was back in time. It was so much easier then trying to correct him as to what year it was and where he was now living.

Sometimes males will get an Urinary Tract Infection, and they will say and do the strangest things. During one phase where Dad was seeing ants on the walls and in his food, I found out Dad had a UTI. A few days after treatment all those ants were gone.

Your dad has dementia. His brain is broken. Say no and then say "sorry, gotta leave now".

I'm not saying it's easy. Just don't think that's it's manipulation. It's a broken brain trying to make sense of the world. Your husband sees this clearly.

STOP trying to reason with him, or please him. Watch Teepa Snow videos. Read Atul Gawande. Don't beat yourself up.

Jjariz, been there so many times, he is stubborn and a narcissist. This is month 9 of helping him. I spent the first 90 days with him, every waking moment, which he loved being the narcissist he is. Nothing I do or say gets any response but the evil eye since I told him I have to take care of my life and can only see you a few times a week, it is all or nothing with him. Could he be depressed, yes, can I get any help, no, he is soooooooo secretive because of his prior life that he is really good at showtimers. Nobody needs to know anything about him unless he tells them. He has always been a storyteller, whatever serves his purpose is the story he tells.

Barb, I know his brain is broken but, I guess you would have to see it to believe it. He is a master manipulator, I watch him do it every time I see him. He will wait until I leave the room and tell a story then as soon as I walk back in change the subject. I know this because I am told by whomever he does it with, they are flummoxed by his behavior. Nice and sweet to my face when I'm there and cuss me blue when I'm not, or tell them I only said xyz because she was here and tell some fantastic story.

How do you get help for someone who in non compliant half the time and down right hostile the other.

FF, just had him checked because of the obsession with leaving. The behavior is all over the place, which of course was another concern. His sister told me he has always gotten his own way and that is part of the struggle. He can't have his own way and there is no way around that. I can't tell you how many times I've been told, I'll do what I want, when I want and how I want. Okay dad, what would you like to do, whatever I want when and how, okay, any ideas, whatever I want, when and how.

I honestly think that he has lived so hard (I don't mean had a hard life) that he is trying to out run death, he has out run everything else he didn't want to deal with so why not this as well. He thinks if he doesn't look it's not there. So sad to watch someone that could have some peace just make everything as hard as possible.

I think you have overly sensitive hot buttons because they have been rubbed raw by his past manipulative behaviour. The thing is, from the outside it sounds like the kind of behaviour you can typically expect from people with dementia, even from those who were sweet little old ladies and gents in the past. When he rants to anyone who will listen that he has been abandoned in a hell hole and he's getting out of there.... So What?! The people he is talking to are just stringing him along - humouring him was your phrase - and know full well that he doesn't have the means to follow through, what would you rather have them say? Should they stop accepting his phone calls?
The man can't access his money, can't arrange a U Haul or pay for it, can't figure out how to leave if you draw him a map so why are you still letting his rants get to you? He is safe and cared for and you don't need to jump every time he roars.

Glad you made some enquiries and your hub, bless him, took a firm stance. Keep strong boundaries for yourself and work to keep your peace of mind regardless of what he does. It is sad. Can the drs prescribe anything that will calm him down?

The part of you that wants him to be manipulative and not broken ( I know, not a great choice) is happy to have had Hubby tell him how it’s going to be.

Probably felt good to Hubby also.

A broken brain won’t give it up. You will have to adjust. He probably can’t.

But you have tried this now and you will be able to see how it works out and thank you for letting us know and do come back and give us updates.

I think the week off idea is genius, and could we have your other half cloned and distributed to needy caregivers everywhere please?

Dad will be fine. Enjoy the break and then let's just see where everybody is.

Willie, how do you deal with the multiple calls about getting out of there, leaving, him calling uhaul. I can not see or talk to him without this being beat to death, no i don't want them to stop calling but, is it wrong to want them to say no, or that is a bad idea. Why are you being hostile towards me? Did I miss in you wheaties or something. Yes, he can access his money and he is showing every sign of arranging a move to nowhereville with no one to help at the other end.

97 - honestly if I'm going to be attacked I'll not be back with updates, I know when manipulation is occurring or it's his broken brain. I am absolutely floored at the pissy answers. You really think any of this feels good, who would ever feel good about having to keep someone from going where they want or having to stay where they are miserable. Oh by the way he has been broken and manipulative my entire life, no choice he is what's he has always been. Look up narcissist, it explains him to a T.

Countrymouse, thank you for the kind words.

After Cwillie and 97 responses I was pretty sure I would not be posting here again. Like I need people with partial info attacking me and my motives. I have enough heartache with my daddy dearest trying his best to destroy me, I guess the 1st 16 years of my life weren't enough for him, he wants the rest as well. An afternoon off spent dealing with phones calls and texts from him and caregivers, manipulation plain and simple.

Sorry, I didn't mean that to be hostile, I'm just suggesting that you need to grow thicker armour or get away from the line of fire..... can you see what I'm trying to say about the hot buttons?

Sounds like all your dad’s lifelong behaviors are being amplified in his old age and you’re taking the brunt of it. Very wise move to take a week off, and kudos to your hubby for being a help

Can you try this? After a week off, visit. If he starts talking about leaving, or his money, say "Dad, that's a closed subject; I'll have to leave if you keep on it". Try to divert his attention to something else. If he harps on it, or gets verbally abusive, get up and leave. Not mad; just leave.

He doesn't have credit cards anymore, does he? So what if he calls UHaul, or a moving company? He has no means to pay for it and YOU are not responsible for making him compliant or making him less of a PITA for the rest of the world.

I'm sorry that you aren't finding our words supportive; we understand how tough it is. In point of fact, we've ALL been down this road. My mom was furious with me for several months because I KNEW that she had been told that she had leprosy and I wasn't doing anything about it! All the other relatives were quite sympathetic to her plight, because how else were they going to deal with a statement like that? "Of course, we know, yes Barbara MUST know about it, you MUST get her to take you to see the dermatologist, yes how awful". I didn't feel like I was being thrown under a bus by them, I felt glad that mom had sympathetic visitors and realized that with time and perhaps increased meds, this delusion would pass.

How not to worry about things that worry you...

I'm sure there are lots of good comic moments in French literature but there's only one I'm aware of, or ever laughed at anyway, and that's in Huis Clos, the play that ends famously with "H*ll is other people."

The protagonist has just checked in to Hell. He is understandably tense. The bell hop (it's a modern play, bear with it) takes his bags and shows him to his suite, soothing him on the way that yes he is in the right place and no there are no fiery furnaces or red hot pincers. Once they are in the room (decorated in the style of the Second Empire, we're told, though don't ask me what that means other than not to Jean Paul Sartre's taste, I assume) you get the following exchange:

"And why have they confiscated my *toothbrush*?"
"Tsk, you lot, you're all the same! The moment you find out there's no fiery furnace or red hot pincers you start whining about your toothbrushes..."

The reason I mention this is to do with the important difference between how you feel about your father's frantic but unengaged escape plans, and what they probably look like to the objective observer.

He's packing. He's vocalising to anyone within earshot. He's climbing the walls. He's raging. It's just *awful*.

But to the professionally trained people keeping him safe, it's NOTHING. Water off a duck's back. Really, no big deal - certainly not compared with some of the things they'll have witnessed. Like...

The lady who thinks her mother is looking for her.
The man who calls all night long: "don't close the door! Don't close the door!"
The biter.
The climber.
And much worse.

So am I saying count your blessings? No, wouldn't dare - because although we all should, we are often really not in the mood to.

What I am saying is that the people taking care of your Dad are the bell hops. They know their job, they have seen it all, and yes they may have their private opinions about how you're handling it, but your father is their concern, not you. They're used to people acting up, and as long as he doesn't leave his suite they're fine with it and he's safe.

Be sad for your Dad, because he is in an unhappy place NOT of your making. Do what you can to reassure him, when it's possible to. But don't *worry* about him. Be a bell hop, not a resident.

Really Barb, when i specifically name the offenders you respond with a broad brush of sorry you don't find our comments helpful, should i have felt attacked by you and missed it? He is not so far gone that he has forgotten how to be a manipulating narsisist, I wish I could give a day by day account of the many ways he does his thing , he is quite proud that he gives everyone stress, yes from the horse's mouth. If I tell him I need say Thursday at the office, I have appointments all morning he will call every 5 minutes with a frantic call me asap, which I don't but, when I do call back he'll say, oh I was returning your call. Yet doesn't call if he thinks I have nothing going on, repeatedly he pulls these stunts. He has enough cognition left to still play the mind f**k games he has always played.

So you know I do find most posts helpful, even if they are hard to read. When people assume that I want others to not call because I want them to stop humoring his escape plans, yea, it gets to me, oh by the way my husband and I are the only ones that ever, ever call him, they talk to him because he calls them, I check the call logs to try and keep track of what he's up to. I would love for anyone to call him, maybe it would be helpful. Not gonna happen, he has burned every bridge and no one wants to deal with him. So yea, a no or that's not a good idea would be nice and I don't think I am being unreasonable by asking them to not be a problem by saying yea, sure okay and then calling me, oh my god you have to stop him, I can't have him here. So if that happens to you and you don't get frustrated then you are a far bigger person then I am or ever will be.

Willie, you bet I have buttons with him, he got us to bring him here under false pretenses, he made the choice 20 years ago to tell me to never f****my call him again because I would not be a doormat for him or his new wife. Then when said wife doesn't want to deal with him because all of the money except SS check is gone, so is she and he calls me for help. Lead us to believe that he was building a barn and wanted a new start, when if fact he was dying, didn't have 2 pennies to rub together and had no one else to help, he wanted and manipulated to come here, live off us, as the head of our house and pay exwifes bills. Really if this would not both you, you are and always will be a bigger person then I am.

He is now living the consequences of his choices and to be frank, he is lucky I don't just walk away, that is what he did to me, multiple times in my life. But I am not him and I am doing the best I can.

The caregivers are part of the problem, when he won't stop with the BS then they contact me for every thing, if i say just ignore it or I'll talk to him then they are all freaked out because if he knows they told me anything there is hell to pay, so any problems I get there side then his 5 versions of it. He can only remember what makes him unhappy or mad, he was always like that but, I give him the grace to blame it on the disease. He is convinced that the doctors don't know squat and there is nothing wrong with him. Yesterday his INR came in at 8.1 that's what started the frantic calling, just wanted to reassure me that means nothing and he can travel just fine, beck I've been at 12 with no problems, I guess peeing straight blood and being rushed to the ER with hospitalization until down under 3.5 is nothing. It is one thing after another, as I am sure you all know. It is far easier to see others challenges with solutions then to see our own, especially when you have tried everything with an escalation of the situation and no reprieve for one minute, if it's not him playing woodpecker with my head it's me trying to figure out what to next to try.

He has started calling my husband about meeting and my husband if flummoxed, he is like if you didn't know better you would think I'm lying, it's as if two meetings took place, one dear hubby saying no, this 
has to stop, you can not leave and one dear hubby saying anything I can do to help you move just name it. The truly sad part is this is life long behavior, my way by hook or crook or the highway.

I am just so worn out with his ugliness and only caring about him and it doesn't matter about what he does to anyone as long as he gets his own way or what he wants.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I just had a day from Hades then when I read the posts and felt attacked it was too much, I can not cope with one more person making it up with me as the scratching post  right now, hence the week off.

Thank you to all that have responded and special thanks to all that gave me kind words and encouragement,  they do help.

He is awful - there is no reason for you to answer his calls. He is being taken care of - let them. I went "no contact" for a few months with my LO in a similar situation - best vacation i ever had. Lowest blood pressure too.

I understand where you’re coming from. I was perfectly calm the
first 5 or 6 months that my dad lived with me. I fluffed pillows,
I pampered, I tucked him in bed every night. He sat in our living room watching sports on the big screen TV with 3 pillows behind his back and an electric throw on his legs. My husband would come in from work and go to the bedroom to watch TV. Dad wanted me to watch TV with him. So I did. I let him take over my
entire life. If I went outside to talk on the phone he would come out and walk and stop right in front of me while I’m talking. My
husband came and went wherever he wanted because he was
not going to let him take over his life. I finally told dad I was going
To watch TV with hubby in the bedroom and he through a fit. He would just go to bed! He had lived alone for 17 yrs and never felt the need to see me on a regular basis. Now he doesn’t even want
me to watch TV with my husband. We set up a TV room for him
To watch TV but he refused to watch TV in there. He told me he is never going in that room again! Well in June we found out my
husband had prostate cancer. This threw us in a tailspin. My
husband told me he would not be coming home to recover with
My dad sitting in the den watching his TV when we had made a room for him that was perfect for him to watch TV. I was about at
my breaking point and had dad evaluated at a mental health center so I could put him a nursing home for a hundred days so
My husband and I could get through the next couple of months.
Well, the nursing home called and said he did not qualify for nursing home care paid by Medicaid. I had to pick up my dad
2 days before my husband’s surgery. I had to hire overnight caregiver to stay with him while I stayed with my husband for one night in the hospital. I had no life of my own anymore. It was all about my father. That’s when we made him go to his room and watch TV and started doing things for us. All day long he called me
Into his room to ask me if the channel changed when I a commercial came on. He started about 7:00am screaming from his
Bedroom “Is it time to get up?” I refused to get up until 9:00am to fix breakfast because from the time I got up until the time I went to bed it was all about him. He asked me to show him how to use the phone 20 times a day. I finally took it away from him because I could not get him to stop. He started in about 11:00 wanting to know when was lunch. Then at 3:00 pm he would ask every twenty minutes was I going to fix dinner??? At 5:00 it was every five minutes until we had dinner at 7:00pm. This was everyday of my life since he moved in. I think I actually was loosing my mind. If
I laid down on the couch he would start pacing and asking was I asleep? It was a nightmare that I had to wake up from. You need to turn your phone off and call him when you want to talk to your father. He will take you down and nothing you do can make the
dementia go away. Don’t give up your life for him because he is never going to be happy. You can’t make some people happy!

Real
I’m sorry I offended your sensibilities and misunderstood your post.
My sincere apologies.
Regards
97

97 it has been a rodeo with all of his B'S and the posts were probably misunderstood by me. I have been at my wits end trying to help this person called dad, he is so destructive to anyone that actually has the nerve to be a functioning, successful adult and doesn't ask how high or would you like me to put flames on that hoop.

Thank you for understanding that I meant no harm, OMG I think I had a tantrum I'm so overly worn.

I really do appreciate everyone's posts, even if they call me because I can't see the forest through the flames (Just kidding) the trees. It makes me look at other perspectives and I believe that is important for balance.

Love and hugs to all of you caregivers, you really have helped me in thus journey. God bless you all.

OMG!!!
Life shouldn't be this difficult! (((Hugs)))

IsThisRealyReal, you need of a vacay really, really bad, even if it's not
leaving home!
Your dad has been a vampire sucking your
blood for too long, easy to say...but time for it to stop.
 What gets me about these father's that have not been there for us in our formative years or whatever,  is how they can make us feel extremely guilty.  FOG!  
The sting from my dad's past stupidity and bad choices are still with me and will forever be  Grade in my heart and mind, which gets in the way of whatever I have to do with him now. I'm choosing to forgive him, which is a REAL struggle, but I am working hard on that because it helps ME not to grow old as bitter ugly woman.   I need to care for myself now, my body hurts, I'm tired, depressed, fat and sick of it all. I'm done feeling like a battered down piece of roadkill!
I've posted here many times and have received a lot of very helpful and blunt advice, some of which did make me feel angry, hurt  I misunderstood.   When their comments made me angry those were the times when I was at total burn out! I love AC!!
My husband has been the best supporter and has taken over most of the "business" with my father. My dad's "actions" do not phase him one bit and I believe that's because he has not walked in my shoes years ago with this man I call my father!! It is true that outsiders can see your situation differently with your dad, but to us, a child, we hear and see things in a different light.
I really feel your pain and I hope you can slowly detach more like I am trying every day. Seriously, I would not have come as far as I am if it was not for the aging care friends 😊

You and husband...do not answer the phone😘

Wow does this hit home for me...my mom knows how to manipulate me. I am way too soft, unfortunately. It stops now...no I won’t be mean. Love her to pieces but there is so much she has to deal with physically and has dementia. Dig myself a big hole. I asked for help with this dementia stuff. Anyway thanks. For this thread.....I went and got suckered by her. Anyway she is mostly lucid for the time being. I will cherish those moments. 🙂

My husband too often wants to leave, at one time picking up his various baskets of things he keeps on the end table next to his chair and next to the bed. He sometimes thinks this is not his house, that I am a caregiver, or that I am spending his retirement on myself-haven't bought anything except a cover for my iPad and a vest for myself as a christmas present from him in months. I cut his hair and mine, and pay our bills. We no longer have any savings as his expenses have added nearly $350 to our budget, with Co-pays, incontinence products, new meds, every day food demands, as he eats ice cream at least twice a day and it has to be one certain kind, the bottled nutrition drinks, nutrition bars-again, only one kind, equipment-special walker, shower bench, hearing aid products and I could go on and on. The Dr. Co-pays average $100 a month. I do not really want for anything as I have been the recipient of clothes from a few friends who needed to cull their own closets. I am fine with that. But when I get accused almost daily of spending HIS money and I need to take him to the bank to get it because his railroad retirement is more than my social security, it makes me sad and angry. I know this is not his fault, that it is the dementia, but the belittling and the obsessive "I'm out of here" behavior has worn me down. I am lonely and miss the daily hugs and our simple, yet happy life together.

So the new obsession is that he wants to go look at rv's here now, which is so much better🤤, and it has to be this week, knowing that I am taking my DH on a birthday trip this weekend. I feel like he intentionally tries to be the man in my life and is jealous of my husband. He has made many comments about my marriage and some have been ugly. I tell him that he can say what he wants about me but, my husband is off limits. I will walk away without a look back if he attacks my husband. I have had to draw this boundary with all of my family, that's how they hurt one another, attacking each other's spouse. Oh my.

So, his sister called me and said that they had a heated conversation with him saying D made you call me, nope, didn't even know she was calling. I do keep her posted as she is one that he has tried to convince to let him live with her. She must have said something that got through as he is planning on staying another month and wants to get his teeth fixed. Progress is a beautiful thing. So it looks like we get to do this one month at a time which I am thankful for, maybe he will calm down. My DH thinks that he is starting to realize that no one is going to open their homes and let him just crash in with all of his needs and issues.

Thank you for all the posts, it does help, even if they are hard to hear. Bella had it spot on, major burn out.