Not asking a question, just venting. My mother is 82 and my 58 year old brother lives with her. She is so negative about everything except him. He does no wrong, even though he is a thief. She locks her purse up because he will steal money if she doesn’t, but if I say something about it she changes the subject. She has something negative to say about everything and everybody. My best friend’s daughter in law posted a picture of her 3 month old son in a carved out pumpkin and my mom commented how stupid it was! I thought it was adorable. She depends on me for everything and has no problem telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. When I was a young mom and needed her help I admit I consulted her about everything but now I think I’m capable of making my own decisions (I’m 48). She’s not going to change and I really can’t distance myself from her, so how can I deal with her negativity without it making me negative!
Second Question, Have you done any work on setting boundaries?
Third Question, What do you think will happen if you walk away or hang up each and every time she is negative?
Four, Why can you not distance yourself from her?
If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone would have to step up to the plate.
If you wish to continue to aid your mother in the codependency dance she has going on with your brother, keep helping, but make no responses and don't expect any gratitude. If you are helping her because YOU need to for your own feelings of selflessness, then do so. Just do so in the firm knowledge that neither she nor your brother will change.
You can also refuse to "dance" with them. Let your mother find her care elsewhere.
Its time to set boundries. Do you have a family, if so, thats ur main priority. Does brother drive? If so, no reason he can't take Mom grocery shopping or do it for her. He eats the food. He can run a sweeper, dust, do simple cooking and do wash. Keep the house straightened up. You can alternate taking her to doctor visits. Just because your the daughter, does not mean ur the slave.
My Mom was a sweetie but I worked, one wk on, one wk off. We set up a day a week for grocery shopping and running errands. Usually having lunch out. I put a white board on her frig where she was to write down what she needed. I live close so going to the pharmacy was no problem when she needed meds. She had friends who took her to Church functions and other outings.
If she questions why ur doing something a certain way, tell her u have found that for u its a better way. So she doesn't make comments about ur life, learn to not say anything that she can criticize. I know, this will be hard because ur trying to make conversation. If she gets started, explain that you no longer will take her criticism. That if she continues, you will just leave. She will get indignant or even mad. Stick by ur guns and leave.
If she asks u to do something and brother can do it, tell her. She probably did for him, its time he paid her back. I would certainly not wait on him. He is a big boy.
I guess if, at 48, this was so troublesome to me I WOULD distance myself from it. It is keeping you a young child with a judgemental parent. She can't stop and you can't stop, so distance may be the only answer. I don't see "counseling" as anything that could help.
Your Mom is likely not a whole lot different in how she treats her kids than she ever was, nor you in your reaction. But it may be time now in midlife to have your OWN life. I would begin to explore the options for Mom. She can be judgemental of friends at her ALF as well as in your home; heaven knows my bro is. They all bicker like a bunch of 60s hippies at a commune. It isn't easy to live with others, no matter the relationship.
Wishing you good luck. While she is with you try not to take it so seriously. You are two different people who see the world in two different ways and no one is going to change overmuch at this point. Hugs.