My dad is physically healthy but depressed and almost despondent about having to live his remaining years alone. He and Mom were married 68 yrs. and he says he has no purpose for living without Mom. Being isolated during Covid compounded the grief of loss.
Since she passed he he took several long trips to visit family members but it wore him out. He bought a new pick-up and travel-trailer so he could get out of the house but he discovered that he was not able to travel like he used to and it was too difficult for him. Now he's insisting that he needs to move. He doesn't want to stay in his house but he also doesn't have the desire or energy to seek out social engagement or activities that would get him out and about.
I understand the difficulty of losing a spouse. I have lost a husband. I know I have to honor his grieving time and the process he chooses. I also try to give him the dignity of making his own decisions. It concerns me though when he says he has no purpose for living, just wants to die, and is resentful when his grandchildren don't come see him as often as he thinks they should. If he needs a new environment I think he would benefit from an independent living residence that offers many activities; social opportunities such as dining, exercise, games, travel, or just being in a common room drinking coffee and reading the paper. He is a very social and active person and needs to be around people.
Does anyone have experience with an elderly loved one thriving in this environment versus staying in their own home, isolated, and wasting away?
DianeZ your dad has given you a gift by saying he wants to move…most are too stubborn to move. This is a cry for help and he needs others to help him over his deep grief. Just curious if his wife had hospice at the end? If so, the hospice chaplain can stillmeet with him over grief issues. He probably needs to talk with someone but I realize men are least likely to do so.
As a gentleman, he will be like Rhett Butler with the ladies gathered around... Or if physically up to a dance, look out ladies! He may find real soul satisfying joy 🤗
She moved into independent living. She still cooks and cleans! She drives even though she shouldn’t. She has gotten a couple of speeding tickets, then tells off the cop! LOL
She complains when ‘the old’ people in her senior living facility whine! She doesn’t use a cane or a walker. She is a tiny little woman. She wears a size 4 shoe and size 4 in clothes. She is extremely stylish, no old lady clothes! 😆 LOL She attends exercise class weekly. She has a lovely heart and a wicked sense of humor that I adore. She loves eating out with friends. She attends Mass every week. She does her own shopping, and ‘helps out the old people’ by picking up items for them too.
My cousin has been a widow for a long time. Your dad sounds like he would be a good match! She doesn’t like the men in her senior community. She says that they are too slow! LOL 😂
I know that your dad misses your mom. It sounds like she was the love of his life. I am sorry that he is so sad. Everyone grieves in their own way. It sounds like you are a loving and patient daughter. I bet that he appreciates your compassion.
I hope he will become settled in a nice place where he will be satisfied. My dad died before my mom did. Daddy would have been totally lost without my mom.
Wishing you and your family all the best. Take care.
Please don't let him waste away at home, when there are great options available for him. Best wishes.
The men participated in almost no activities. I've found this to be true when I did home health in trying to assist a worn out wife to get a spouse to get the husband to day care. Men as a rule are not used to social groups (play group!!). They are very reluctant to join. The few men in my building I'd only see at Friday am coffee sitting together as though it was a junior high school dance: girls at one table, boys at another!
As it is independent, there are no social activity leaders to help direct shy folks to join. It is residents who take on leading the activities.
After 18 months and turning into a raving, negative lunatic, thankfully I was able to move out to an apartment complex and continue my Hospice volunteering!!
I'd suggest gently trying a Senior Center first. My bet is he will balk. Challenge him to give it at least a month of 3-4 times a week to try. Good centers do day trips so he could get some travel in that way. Sitting on a bus next to someone could lead to some company.
Good luck
The same applies for finding a place for a LO, either someone who is still relatively independent or someone who has challenges like dementia. I made sure to check several places before choosing a place for my mother. The one we settled on wasn't open yet (rebuilt, to include IL, AL and MC) but the deposit was refundable. Once it was open, we went to the open house to see it for ourselves. They opened in stages (IL first, then AL, with MC last, and delayed a bit until they had a few residents lined up.) In the four years my mother lived in MC, I met and interfaced with many people who lived there, in ALL the levels. During that time I only met one man who wasn't happy to be there. It wasn't clear if this was his choice or someone else's, but only one of MANY.
While most places do offer various activities for all levels, remember what IL stands for - independent living. It's like having a home, but you are free to do what YOU want to do, when you want to do it.
Sounds like perhaps you didn't check this place out properly before moving in. Also, just like those on the forum who LOVE to bash ANY and ALL IL, AL, MC and NHs, unless you've tried them all, you shouldn't lump them all under one umbrella. You only have that one experience.
Whatever he did for a living or as a hobby he could put to use as a Volunteer.
Most good organizations that want and need volunteers have a volunteer orientation and he would meet all the "new" volunteers and would not be thrown into the deep end of the poor right off. I have been Volunteering for the Hospice that cared for my Husband and I can not begin to tell you how many opportunities there are and not just with patients..
If he likes animals most shelters need volunteers. They also need Foster homes. Would dad be willing to care for a dog or a cat until it finds a home?
If he enjoys travel there are travel groups. He could take his trips but it would be with others and with all arrangements made for him.
And this might be a great opportunity for you to take a trip with him if you can.
If HE thinks an Independent Living Residence would be a good idea (notice I said HE) then find one that will allow him to stay and experience the facility for a week or two to see how he likes it. While there are lots of opportunities to be involved if HE does not want to be an active participant all the activities will do no good. But if he is in a big rambling house he might do well to downsize to a smaller townhouse or condo where he would have no maintenance and more security than in a single family home.
It was the best thing ever!!
My mother thrived and lived there for four more years. The engagement and activity kept her interested.
When she was last hospitalized, she told me she wanted to go home ~ I asked her what she meant. Her response was “My apartment, of course!”
Do it while they have the capacity to learn new surroundings, routines and make friends!!
Federal entities, which includes SS and Medicare do NOT honor POAs. IF there is a question or concern and the recipient needs help navigating it, they can accept a verbal okay to talk with you, but that doesn't translate to future interactions. The only way one can be "on file" is to sign up to be SS Rep Payee. That wouldn't be needed until later, if at all. If approved, you are then "on file" to handle SS and Medicare issues.
"... and financial institutions often have their own POA forms."
Yes, they do, but ANY place should accept a legal POA, even if it isn't their form. Some will balk and give a hard time. If that were the case, perhaps a change in bank is needed. I used mom's POA to close a bank account she had (only opened it to have easier access to cash, as the CU was farther away.) I had NEVER done business with them, she did relatively little business with them. I took her with me that day, after having her SS switched to the CU, but she never said boo, just stood there rifling through her wallet and purse. I didn't get a peep from them. Closed it, took the bank check to the CU and deposited it. It wasn't hard at the CU, partly because mom had added two of us to her account there. Never really interfaced with them either (had my own account with them, but very little in office dealings, mostly online, mail, phone, etc.) Same deal - mom in tow, I used the POA to make changes (mailing address to me, get the SS switched over, etc.) From that point on, I could do most anything there, even by phone.
But, the big issue is the SS/Medicare. There's no "file" to be on. POAs are NOT accepted by them, the IRS, federal pensions, VA, etc. They all have their own way to "manage" this. The problem is that POA rules can vary from state to state and it would be a nightmare to try to understand it all. It's easier for the federal entities to have their own way to handle it.
There are services to move and set up the RV in another location and parks dedicated to seniors and/or adults if relocating the RV is the major problem. Learning to live alone is a balancing act we haven't practiced in a while. Much of our time with someone is doing things because the other person needs or desires it; without that subtle drive, it is difficult to choose or "want" to do the social things helpful to learning to live again following a death. An IL/AL is probably the correct eventual destination, but maybe your dad (and your family) would like a "road warrior" interlude first.
effort to visit and spend quality time with him in his home. He’s newly widowed and expressed how lonely it causes him
to feel that his family doesn’t visit. His family should be there for him to be with him at this time.
Is there a reason family isn’t visiting to lend support and companionship to him especially now being newly widowed?? The answer ( if your truly wanting him to know he’s loved by his family and not alone) isn’t to put him in a facility, it’s to have a talk w family to plan to show they care spending more time with him, talking with him about how he’s doing, going on a walk with him, having dinner together etc
Just an observation from being a certified home health aide for almost 30 yrs. I am now 68 years old and still doing this. It is not always a good thing for people to "stay in their homes". Why? Because too many of them then tend to isolate. I have lived with so many of them, yes.. lived with them and no one calls, no one visits so the only ones they see is.......well.... us, their paid caregiver. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I wonder if dementia is caused by people NOT using their brains so just like muscles, you don't use it, you "lose it". The same with the brain. They don't get stimulation. I see them spending time watching television and again, THIS IS NOT GOOD! We were meant to socialize. There are clients that are in facilities and go to meals, sitting at tables with others where they socialize, go to the library where they can actually talk to others, sometimes reading the newspaper and discussing it! Spend time together attending all sort of activities whether in that facility or being taken somewhere by van/bus which is sponsored by these facilities. Again... and I cannot say this too much... too many, a great majority of my patients/clients end up "being in their own home" which is terrible a great majority of the time because they don't do anything but sit there in their "favorite chair" and do nothing. I find I cannot get them to do anything. Why? I am not sure. Too much depression.. thinking about what they cannot do? They tend to... and I love to pick their brains so I do talk to them or try to but, we are NOT family. They want their family... their friends and we remind them that of their conditions.... they see they are "at the end of their lives". I don't know. Staying in your home... not the best majority of the time because their surroundings ARE familiar and what they are used to but... we need to be around people to keep active. Tons of different types of people......different personalities.. We MUST have stimulation.. OUR brains need that, require that. I recommend to at least try a facility and not for just a few weeks. Try it for several months. They make friends there. The residents do watch out for each other. Someone does NOT show up for a meal, they know it and go check on them. You cannot compare this to what happens when they are in their own home which tends to be isolation, which causes depression whether they know it or not what is going on; then lack of activity which leads to atrophy of the muscles and brain. Which leads to death.
Is there a specific reason that his other children and grandkids don't visit, call or facetime him. Do they live far away or are they just not as "close" to him as he would like? What was their relationship like when your Mom was alive?
In any event, since he is a healthy social person, he might not be quite as fixated on the grandkids visits, if he had more social interaction with other people in general. If finances are not an issue, I would recommend that you research Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs). These facilities have a full range of living options from independent living, assisted living, memory care, through skilled nursing so one can really age in place on the same campus. They do require an fairly substantial upfront entry fee and of course the monthly rental fee (services such as medication management and assistance with dressing or bathing can be added as they become needed). The great thing about CCRCs is that the campus usually has wonderful activities and in general the dining is equal to five star restaurants. Nothing brings folks together faster than food! One of the very well established ones in NJ regularly had trips into NYC for plays and museum visits (prior to Covid) for an extra charge. Like your Dad, one of my clients had complained about the kids not visiting often prior to her move into a CCRC (we just about had to drag her there!) Within 5 months, I was getting calls from her daughter to see if I could talk to Mom about "squeezing" in a two hour visit between her golf lessons and her swimming sessions! Cracked me up! We eventually got them in for a lunch date at the facility but even then daughter called to tell me how many people came over to chat with Mom and remind her they were going to a play later.
When looking at CCRCs you want to carefully (and I mean very carefully and professionally) review the length of time they've been in business and their financial background. One such establishment in TX went belly up in 2017 and although people eventually got their entrance fee back, it took about a year. It's also been my experience that although they may not be as "flashy" (chandeliers in the entrance), the non-profit facilities seem more financially grounded. Try to find a facility that has a foundation that will take over the monthly payments after a specified period of "private pay" just in case money runs out in 4-6 years.
Good luck and peace on your journey with your Dad. I'm glad he has such a caring child. He will never find a replacement for the love of his life but he may see new vistas.
Not all places are like the one mom was in, but if we shop around, they CAN be found. I've eaten there - the food was good. Even the many soirees they had, including outdoor BBQs had good food and a huge variety of offerings. They had in house activities as well as trips people could sign up for (even some in the earlier stages of dementia could join some outings!) There was a movie area, hairdresser salon, exercise room, etc.
I compared a few places. One didn't even get a 2 second thought. One was nice, but location and price was higher even though it was shared space (They likely had private rooms, but would be even more expensive. Since I'd be the one doing all the leg work, location WAS important to me!) I avoided those CCRCs with that huge deposit, because it seems like a huge waste of money - doesn't seem like there's any benefit to that, since the monthly fee isn't reduced because of it and unless you pass or move out soon, you won't get any back.
So, anyone in the facility mom was in could transition from IL to AL to MC if needed. IF someone truly needed specialized nursing care, then yes, they would likely have to move to a NH, but would that really be any different at the CCRCs? The NH would be "on campus". but it's still a move.
The other nice thing about that place mom was in is they have an endowment, so if someone lived there a long time and ran short of funds, they could get assistance!
There is some good advice here about choosing a facility.
#1 Choice would be to live with a loved one.
#2 Choice
Find a couple nice Independent Senior places that has lots of Activities and where he can meet some friends.
He might also think about getting a roommate, attending Church and other Social Groups for Seniors that their Spouse died.
You need to do something because he could feel bad enough to commit suicide.
You deffiently don't need to get him on drugs for his feelings.
He just needs socialinaction.
It's very hard to have someone live with you for years 24 7 then all of a sudden you're left alone.
If he wants to stay in his home, he might think about advertising for a Roommate.
Prayers
My father took several trips with a senior Travel Group after my mother died. He paired up with another single male traveler, and they were travel buddies for several years.
We did that for Mom, she didn’t like that place but saw the advantages to living there. we then visited several other facilities and she chose the one that she felt comfortable in.