My mother has always been self absorbed and resentful of my handicapped father, who was a saint to put up with her and struggled with his own care needs to avoid her verbal abuse and ridicule. She plays martyr for "taking care of him" and he gave in to her whims to keep her quiet. I am now left with a 91 year old toddler who refuses to admit that her memory is failing and insists on going grocery shopping even though it is beyond her capabilities, both physically and mentally. I have been getting her grocery list over phone, ordering online, picking up and delivering to her which has worked out wonderfully. She has been in her senior living independent apartment, which is beautiful, with maid service and meals during COVID so I offered to take her to a smaller grocery store today for an outing. Her health is perfect, other than arthritis. I have been in and out of the hospital with pancreatitis and had major Whipple surgery, and now more complications. I am 67 and have been helping my parents for over 30 years, as a single parent.
I have been happily remarried for 12 years. My dear husband who is 70 , also had a major heart attack with emergency triple bypass 2 years ago. His recent blood work came back abnormal and when I told her this, she smiled and said , "Well I've been a widow for 8 years." No compassion as usual. When I got remarried she was very angry, because I would no longer be at her beck and call. When we take our one or two week vacation, or to visit our grandkids out of town finally after COVID vaccines, she tells me that I am selfish, even though we have invited her along, which she has always refused. She has told me that she hates my husband. I have decided that there will be no more phone calls. I have sent a schedule as to when I will be calling for her grocery list and when I will be delivering. It will just be a business arrangement. That is the only way I can survive.
I don't want to hate her but do. I have one brother who has removed himself from her life 8 years ago due to her nastiness and verbal abuse. My nightmare is that she will live to be 100 but put me in the ground long before that. She even refuses to listen to her Dr. who wants to start her on anxiety meds as she also is constantly nervous and second guessing and challenging everything. The grocery store trip today was a disaster...took her over an hour to pick out 5 items, (I just delivered 125.00 of groceries to her 4 days ago) ...she lost her keys IN HER PURSE and took 20 minutes to find them because she refused to let me help. I found them immediqtely because she zipped them into a compartment after I told her I could hold them for her so she wouldn't have to look for them. All this was my fault because... Of course...
I even got chastized and blamed, after she told me she was looking forward to an outing but I MADE HER GO! Sorry for long post. I still am having chest pains 8 hours later...thanks for letting me vent!
Let her hire someone to order her groceries. Or hire them for her, with her money. In your shoes, I would use her funds to hire a Geriatric Care Manager and go on a LONG vacation.
I just went back and read some of your other posts. It sounds to me like your body (chest pains, asthma attacks, pancreatitis) is telling you STOP!!!!!!!!!!!.
Please give yourself a "pause" for at least 3 weeks to reassess why you are committed to contining this abusive relationshiop. Consider seeing a therapist or other mental health professional for support
Don't fall for it. Hospitalizations can be managed by phone.
The only thing that keeps any of our family from outright hating FIL is that we finally understand that narcissism is a personality disorder. I think it is perhaps the most deceptive and the nastiest because it is disguised as something else. It masks itself as something that they can 100% control. To us they seem like the most evil people on earth - how can any person ever be so self centered, so self involved, have no empathy or the complete inability to feel or understand anything about anyone else? How can they be like that? Just HOW?? Why can't they ever even once make it about anyone else? Why can't they love people? Why wouldn't they change their behavior if they knew the results would be better? Why can't they see that their behavior makes people despise them? WHY WHY WHY?
And then finally it clicked - it doesn't make it easier and we still question every day why....but at least it clicked that it's not US. It's him. And he is never going to change. HE is broken. It IS all about HIM, because it is all about him. He is the one that is broken. Its not us that don't measure up to his expectations. HIS expectations are wrong. He doesn't love us because there is something wrong with us....he doesn't love us because there is something wrong with HIM.
There is something so freeing about not caring anymore whether you make them happy. Because you can't. No matter how hard you try it is ALWAYS going to be wrong. No matter how perfect, no matter if you do exactly what they want. It is always going to be wrong. When you find it in yourself to stop caring and just do the best that you can and be ok with that. Do what you feel is necessary, put some space there. Don't give her free rent in your head. Have groceries delivered. See if you can find a periodic companion for some respite.
If you let her get to you in one thing, then it is another and before you know it...she is in your head all day long.
Parting words. My SIL is FIL's caregiver - lives with him. Her son is getting married several hours away. FIL cannot travel. We are all going to the wedding. We are hiring 24 hour caregivers. She is already so keyed up waiting for the shoe to drop that I'm very concerned she will not enjoy the wedding. FIL's concern? Why didn't they plan the wedding here so you wouldn't have to travel? That way you wouldn't have to leave me and you could just run to the wedding and take care of me? (Never mind that 99% of his needs are because he refuses to do anything - not because he can't......)
Take care of yourself. Your mother is never going to make sure you take care of yourself. She is not concerned with your well being the way you are concerned with hers. You have to take care your mental well being too!!
While I was Mom's live-in caregiver, my two sisters were narcs and they would gang up on me. It was traumatic. Mom died two years ago and I haven't spoken to them since.
Yesterday I made myself go through an audio recording of one sister grilling me with questions (to verify a quote to I'm writing to them in my Will). My sister would ask a question, but every time I started to answer she'd say, "No, you're wrong" then sling another question. I had forgotten how horrible dealing with them was. About an hour later, a dear friend stopped by. I scared him terribly when suddenly I burst into tears and ran out of the room sobbing, completely re-traumatized.
I read numerous professional articles about dealing with them and to a professional they all state essentially to walk away. If you can't just walk away and must deal with narcs, give them facts and walk away. If you stand your ground in an argument and win a battle, they will make danged sure, by hook or crook or lies, you WILL lose the war. You cannot win.
Your mother's being taken care of and she's relatively healthy. For your own mental, emotional, and physical health, walk away. If you just can't walk away for your personal reasons, then cut WAY back on talking and meeting with her and set strong boundaries. Fulfill any basic tasks and walk away.
No need to pick them up and deliver!
Have the groceries delivered to her porch. imo.
It's incredible to me how adults can be so darn selfish and petty after living long, long lives. How can EVERYTHING be about them?
When I told my mother I had stage 4 lymphoma, she looked at me and said "Well, your dad will be happy to see you". (He'd passed 15 years earlier).
I did not hear one peep from her for the next 9 months as I treated and did what I had to do. She never sent a card, called me on the phone or inquired how I was.
Post chemo, when I began growing back my hair, I did drop by to see her. Her response to my 'fuzzy duck' hair and pale skin was "oh, you used to be so pretty". I was so hurt, I just got up and walked out. Didn't bother to talk to or see her for months more.
I see her when I want to and no more. I do for her what I want and no more. She still can find that tender spot and stab me, but good. Doesn't do it to any of the other sibs.
I only hope that I have NOT done anything like this to my kids. It's a great worry.
I don't hate her. I just hope I live long enough to stop caring about what she says or does and how she runs me down to the other sibs.