My mother lives in Oregon, she has the beginning of dementia, it's obvious but will not accept it and gets angry if one of us tries to talk with her calmly about it. My sister is an emotionally immature person and will call my mother complaining about anything. This only upsets my mother. My sister has never liked me and has always tried to get mom on her side for any reason. She also has a hard time accepting that mom is starting a decline. If there is a disagreement between my sister and I she will immediately call mom and tell her about it which only upsets mom. I find that I cannot stay in contact with my sister it is not good for my health at this point. She is very toxic and only upsets mom when she talks to her about our issues between us. I feel like I have to back away from everything and just let my sister deal with mom. I think this because if I do this then my sister will have nothing to complain about me to my mother. I am feeling way guilty about this. I guess I just needed to tell someone and when I saw this site I joined.
Personally, I think that you should back away and see where the chips fall.
I am fortunate that my brother and I do not have any issues like this. We do not tattle to our mother or discuss what we are or are not doing. We feel that we are adults and have to deal with our issues on our own.
I would continue to talk to your mother as needed, but not work with your sister or communicate with her, cut her out of the equation.
Keep posting it will help!
Be aware besides short-term memory being effected early in Dementia, so is the ability to reason. You probably can no longer reason with Mom. So when you call her and she is upset about something sis has told her, all you can do is say "Don't worry about it Mom. Not really your problem." Will she get it, probably not. Or say "lets not worry about Sister's problem, let talk about nice things." Then redirect her.
Test it out. Wait a while.
Quiet, no complaints?
Or "She NEVER calls or helps!!"
Some people just like drama. Will invent it out of thin air if they need to.
To begin with, she likely wishes that she didn't have siblings at war for children in her last decline when she is beginning to become helpless and to lose everything. But if she is amenable to letting your Sister be her POA while she can still confer that on someone, then I agree with you. Your sister should serve as POA and you should be the "second". You say you are willing to let your sister deal with Mom. That makes me assume that Sister WISHES to be the one to deal with her and that sister LIVES near her.
Can you reassure me that is the case?
And I assume there is as yet no POA. It is crucial that be done while there is time and that the two of you do NOT serve as co - POA. Next I would suggest that you and your sister do all you can to grow up and to work together for your failing Mom. If not, I can only wish your poor mom the very best of luck.