How to distill suspiciousness & paranoia & stress of 89 yr. old with early Alzheimers/advanced dementia- short and long term memory affected? 83 yr. old wife cognitively and physically more healthy than husband. Her generation did everything in the home & that is her role. If I am in the house, the husband is uncomfortable/stressed & he relays to his best friend/spouse & this sends her own stress over the top. At this point the family & I are more concerned about the Mom/wife's health which if the work & stress is not reduced will/could result in creating an illness for her.
I was to move in and give help here & there - very difficult for 83 yr. old spouse to ask for help or relinquish a full time load attending to husband & home. She finally let me do the dishes after she prepared a chicken pot pie dinner from scratch. Cognitively she is healthier & underneath knows she cannot continue the same pace & give such quality care to her husband. Can't/won't let go - does not know how to do this.
Anyone with couples experience or websites to check for help? So far researching couples tends to lead to a spouse who passes and one is left alone.
Try asking her what she'd like to give up. "I hate cleaning the showers. What do you hate cleaning the most?" and you may get some insight. Or do things while they're napping. Start by being her assistant, not her replacement. I wish you success in helping them!
Tell your Mom that you are there to help and hope she will allow you to do so. Ask her to make a list of things that would help her.
If you truly see your Mom failing, and take choices from her, it is likely the beginning of a very sad end. Just my humble opinion at 78.
Talk with her. You understand that he is uncomfortable with you there, but you are really there more to help her. Align your comments with 'her' being the one you are trying to help the most. For example, if she hurts herself helping him she may no longer be able to a single thing for him in the home. 'We' have to take care of 'you' sort of thing. We don't want anything to happed to you because then you may both have to go to a nursing home and 'we' want you both to stay at home.
Interact with him as much as you can to see if he can be more accepting of having someone in the home. Do your best to anticipate his needs. He may never like the idea of someone else being there, but all you can do is give it your best try
trying to do the same. I gave up an overseas job (post-retirement) to come back and live with my parents. My sister insisted they needed my 24/7 help. Not until I moved back did I realize it wasn’t what my parents wanted. My mother never shared her home. I was in HER space. My dad is a control freak and not liking me there to “take over” anything! I ended up getting a part-time job....but gave it up because of Covid. It really became emotionally and mentally exhausting. They finally agreed to letting me cook dinner (my mom
never has liked cooking)...but I don’t dare clean for her unless I am
specifically asked...or I “sneak” clean before she wakes up. I also good shop and drive them to appointments. My father’s mind is sharp but he is frail...my mom is healthy but has mild dementia. Between the two, they fair pretty well.
I moved 10 min away and will go over as needed. It has been so good on my emotional/mental health. They took no time to quickly move things back into the rooms I was using! 🤣🤣🤣
Good luck!!