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I have stopped contact with my father
what happens when he dies? I don't want to be involved
at this point he doesn't want me over there so I will probably never see him before he dies and that's sits ok with me. He deserves nothing,
what should I do with his body when he dies? I know this is maudlin I am sorry) do I call 911 and what happens after that? I am that clueless
what about a funeral home? What about cleaning out his filthy house? My sister will be here taking over, I am sure (and I hope so).
Who will pay for all that? I sure as hell won't.
I appreciate this place

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If you’ve stopped contact, not sure how you’ll know he died? If you hear from others, just acknowledge the loss and move on. None of the things you mention need or require any action by you. I wish you healing and peace
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If you are no contact , you won’t even know when Dad dies unless another family member tells you .
Since you don’t want to be involved , don’t. You are not obligated to pay a funeral home or to clean out his house .
If sis does take over fine . Do not allow her to pressure you to do anything or to pay for anything .
People without involved family and no prearranged burial plans are buried by the county in potter’s fields.

For your mental health , See a therapist .
Walk away from this situation completely . Don’t worry about the house either . It’s not worth it . It won’t be the first abandoned home .
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Hrmgrandcna Oct 16, 2025
I agree about advising therapy. When my narc mom died, the family dynamics were so messed up that I realized I couldn't cope without therapy. I think of it as a gift to myself
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You can come back and share with us even though you aren't following advice. I do hope you will come to the realization that you can back off and let it go. Therapy may help you to do that, so keep your appointment and tell the therapist what's going on. Take good care of yourself!
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If you Dad is on hospice, the Nurse handles everything. She pronounces him dead, cleans him up and calls the Funeral Home that was chosen. If he has no money, have him cremated.

If he is not on hospice, the coroner will be called and he will determine if an autopsy will be done. His state may have a fund for indigent people. It will pay for cremation only. If he is on Medicaid, they may pay.

My ex died in his chair, drinking beer and watching TV. My name was given as an ex so I got the call from the coroner. He was so bad he though my ex was homeless. His house was awful. It went up for sheriff sale and those who bought it, had to clean it up. He was cremated using insurance money he had.
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Well I am still in contact as of today and I still feel sorry for him after all this

I won't post here anymore I am being pig headed and not listening to advice so I won't ask for it any more thanks for all who wrote.

I made an appt for therapy
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mary543 Oct 22, 2025
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I have an appt for therapy soon, this is taking too much of a toll, I waste every day and night thinking and talking about it and I don't know why, Thank you all

:heart:
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AlvaDeer Oct 22, 2025
Mary, I hope with all my heart this isn't a "talk therapist". You've talked enough about all this and put way too much of your life's valuable time into it. Be certain--ask at your first appointment--if this is a "cognitive therapist". The cognitive therapist helps you in finding a way out of HABITUAL thinking and HABITUALS ways of doing things, and can give you options for different paths to try, and help you manage as you try those new paths. There is nothing so difficult to do as change ourselves, but it is so worth the doing. We cannot change others; we can only change our OWN APPROACH to the problems of everyday life. I am soooooo glad you are going to a therapist. I have been to therapy, over 80-plus years of life, a total of four times, the last being with my recent second cancer diagnosis, to work through thinking about end of life plans and end of life care, and MAiD options, and etc. It is MARVELOUS help when you find someone who will truly WORK WITH YOU. And it is WORK. But you need a therapist who will require hard work of you, not sit and listen to you. Because listening is EASY. I could listen to you and take about 250.00 for the forty minutes with great ease. But really picking up shovels and digging in with you? That's tough work for both YOU and your therapist. I wish you great good luck. Don't go online. Those people get paid almost nothing and are worth less.
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Your sister can go and do a pre-paid funeral arrangement (burial or direct cremation) that your father pays for. Many people are opting out of havign funeral services today because they are too expensive. It's okay not to have one. If you and your sister do a pre-paid direct cremation or funeral contract and he dies at home rather than in a nursing home or hospital, you call the people you have the pre-paid contract with. They will inform the necessary people like the police, the Social Security Administration, etc... Ask them if you should call them and the police when the time comes. They'll explain the rules in the state your father lives in.

As for the filthy house. How is his Will set up? If he hasn't cut you out, the more cleaning and work you and your sister do when it's time to sell his house, the more money it will sell for. So that means more inheritance for the two of you. If he goes into a resodential care facility, don't bother because his asset will go towards his care bill.

I know what it's like to be a trigger for someone. My mother made me her scapegoat and trigger from the time I was a little kid. I see and talk to her a few times a month. If she starts with any her usual nonsense, I visit or the phone call quickly ends. Your father has made you his trigger. So ignore him. You can still help your sister without being directly involved with him.

You have to think of your own mental health. If you've made peace with never seeing him again and are okay with that, good for you. Don't let anyone try to guilt trip you or make you feel bad about it because you're not wrong.
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Hi Mary,
Glad you have taken this step but it's clear you are still "staying involved" in your own mind while you claim to be cutting off contact. It doesn't work having both things true.
See a good cognitive therapist to work through future actions.
Write sis and tell her you are permanently disengaging and want to let her know that you won't be participating in the end days nor in disposal of body. If you are called by hospitals, coroners, other officials tell them you are not involved and refer them to Sister's number. Let her know you'll be doing that, and don't wish to discuss this or argue further.

When you do see the therapist feel free to discuss options with her in moving forward as a child who has disengaged from a parent for your own health. This doesn't HAVE to be a steel clad box. You are free to help Sis in arranging last rights, etc when Dad passes.

This is something you simply are doing now for your own health and well being. It's self caring. When Dad passes he will be gone and done with. The arranging of a funeral or disposal of body is all quite beside the point. It will be over.
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