My mother is two characters. To her friends she is delightful but to me she is offhand and aggressive. Says I won’t do anything for her but she doesn’t ask me! She’s obsessed with her phone and being on Facebook. When I see her she can’t even be bothered to put her phone down. Tells people I’m a loner! When I’m not!
I can do no right. Always put down. I feel I should walk away and just leave her to it. My mother is 74. My father just puts up with her to keep the peace.
You cannot and will not change the habits of someone of 74 UNLESS they themselves FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE AND EMBRACE the fact that they have performed actions that were painful to you. This CAN HAPPEN, but not commonly.
My relationship with my mother was always difficult, but with time, evolved into something poignantly sweeter, as she grew more and more dependent upon my support. We became friends of sorts, because I was willing to overlook her failings and genuinely enjoy her more pleasant quirks. When she suffered a severe stroke, and rehabbed herself by sheer strength of will, she became my hero.
You are reacting to your mother as a child would, and that’s understandable. If you were able to react to her as an adult in an obligatory relationship with a disagreeable old tyrant who would say inappropriate things, but still had some sort of connection, could you do that? Maybe yes, maybe no. It worked for me, but you are under NO OBLIGATION to even try unless YOU put yourself in the driver’s seat, especially when she goes off on you.
Your primary responsibility is FIRST to yourself, providing yourself with good responsible care. You can’t be in any kind of positive relationship with your mother unless you are taking the best care of yourself.
It’s tough. I hope you FIND your way to peace with your situation.
You need to learn to not let mom's comments get to you. They really don't matter because you know differently. If walking away when mom starts her comments, move far, far away and put mom in the rearview.
You are a grown man and you do not have to take whatever she dishes out.
Obviously she isn't interested in having a civil, grown up relationship with you, so visit dad, be courteous to her, as in greeting her and saying goodbye, and ignore her ugliness during your visit with your dad. Better yet, meet dad at the local coffeehouse and enjoy a visit without her in your periphery.