Am I A Bad Person? (Rant)

I believe I am, but I hope I am wrong. I have been taking care of my mom (83) for the past few years, and it was becoming way too much for me mentally and emotionally. Only one of her kids help and that was just a biweekly visit for a few hours. Her other two won’t see her because of me (one is my biological father) and I’ve felt like maybe removing myself may be best; maybe they would come around, but she tells me it wouldn’t be better, yet she goes on and on about them. Ahh.

Anyway, on Jan 1 of this year I had to find a way to get my mom home from a hospital 47 minutes away from the small town we stay in. She was only out a week before she was back in the hospital ( she was having internal seizures ). Upon release they felt she needed to gain her strength and sent her to a nursing home rehab. Where she proceeded to fall and break her hip.

For 10 days I didn’t get to speak to her just watch her in a catabolic state at the best of times, a coma like state at worst. She reacted very poorly to the pain med and anesthesia, and one of the night nurses admitted to giving her pain med to keep her asleep because when awake she was out of control; so not for pain management but behavioral management. I know nurses have a hard job but I don’t believe that is a good person; that and other things she said or I heard her say to others and so I reported her (for example she was joking about accidentally over dosing my mom? when she didn’t think I could hear)

Long 10 days later, they finally take her off all pain meds as I had been saying and she came to. She remembers nothing and is struggling with confusion now but she is alive and coherent again, thank the gods.

They sent her back to the nursing home rehab to start over and to start rehab for hip. Her son that did the biweekly visits has stepped up to this, and he is taking care of Medicare.

Unless he enrolls her in a nursing home for the “long term” they would only pay for 3 days. My doctor and best friend who works with elderly primarily thinks she should stay, because she needs 24/7 care. She admits she needs 24/7 care, which scares me. But she doesn’t want to be full time and I don’t blame her, so due to the lack of money from Medicare she will be coming home this morning.

I can’t breathe. I want her home but she can barely move her leg right now, let alone walk. They have her going to the bathroom mostly in a “brief” but they do move her to toilet some. But it takes 2 of them. My mom is stubborn; what if one night she doesn’t call me?

A lady is supposed to start Wednesday from 9am-4pm helping which is nice, and I know this sounds selfish but I am terrified for when my time starts. What if she falls again, I could hardly handle seeing her on the floor in pain before, after a hip break I imagine a fall would be even more horribly painful.

I almost ran away last week, back to NYC and my fiancé. But I didn’t, so my fiancé said he can’t do this, despite working from home and never coming here.. which maybe is too much to ask for.

It’s 3:30 am and I still have cleaning to do. But I’m still in bed. I’m so depressed and ashamed of the depression. I have severe mental illness and my psychiatrist forgot to call my med in, he only calls meds in on Friday, so I also am withdrawing (Xanax I’ve been on for over 2 decades) and I know that makes my anxiety way worse.

I'm sorry for going on and on, I must sound horrible. It’s just I’ve been so suicidal lately and can’t even get myself to a proper bath (I’ll leave it at that) how am I gonna help another?

One may think Well you had all that time alone to recharge... but I didn’t. It’s been one constant terror, constant panic and worrying over her and the future. Maybe I’m selfish but I couldn’t “just relax” and.., I don’t know, I’m sorry. Thank you if you read and I’m sorry if anyone replies and I don’t see it quickly or reply; I am trying and I’m so sorry if this was stupid of me to post.
thank you guys