My mom would like to move in with us permanently if she can bring all of her antiques and other stuff. She's already staying with us 99% of the time. She just can't bear to part with these sentimental things that we don't have space for, not want. We tend to be minimalists. And no, we don't want to remove a bed so she can have a third closet/dresser for her stuff. Am I unreasonable for staying no? We already have a ton of her furniture in our house (that I'm not fond of). I'm willing to give her some garage space but no more junk. I suggested storage which she's not interested in. I feel like we're in a stalemate. She thinks she has no space at all in my house and it's untrue from my perspective. Help!
She's not unreasonable to decide she's more attached to her possessions than she is to the idea of moving in with you permanently without them.
As she's already staying with you 99% of the time, is this an issue that you can't just leave as a stalemate? Do you need to sell her house or something like that?
To clarify: you have already given over, what, two rooms to your mother - so what sort of living space and accommodation does she have when she's with you?
"Love me, love my junk" - I would remind you of Frasier's Dad's special armchair :)
Issue number 2 is ‘Is your mother’s furniture of any real value, apart from to her memories?’ If there is a real value, talk to her about putting it on Ebay to find other people who would also really value it. You can put a high minimum bid, so that it doesn’t go for nothing, and you can even get a conversation going about provenance – ie where and when it came from, how much it means to your mother. I’ve done that myself, about rugs, to be nice to vendors and their elders, and to get some history that I value myself.
Issue number 3 is ‘Is this a temporary problem? Would it help mother for her to pay for storage, so that decisions can be postponed until things may change’. I remember my early married days when we were all for knotty pine, and my MIL and FIL valued dark oak – now I think they were right and I was crazy. Storage isn’t always cheap, but it may help the vibes now, and perhaps the next generation later.
Love, Margaret
Issue 5 What happens when mom ages and needs a 24 hour caregiver?
Issue 6 What does hubby say? This could destroy your marriage.
Issue 7 Will mom. be paying rent and expenses?
Issue 8 Have you talked with an elder law attorney?
Have someone help you to think of all the issues th a t could come up
Issue 9 Does mom have Powers of Attorney setup? Other necessary documents?
If furniture is already an issue think long and hard about what you are doing.
This must be a big adjustment for many. This letting go.
In the theory of psychosocial development created by Erik Eriksonage: Stage 8: Integrity Versus Despair
The final psychosocial stage is known as integrity versus despair and it begins around the age of 65 and lasts until death. During this period of time, the individual looks back on his or her life. The major question during this stage is, "Did I live a meaningful life?"
All those antiques and treasures she collected may be strong memories & what makes her life meaningful to her.
Not many ideas on what to do about them though! Sorry! Make a photo album? With dates, history, beautiful photos. There are companies that will publish your self-made books. My DH has one with his Grandma's childhood stories. He said it gave her great pleasure to compile them.
PS I thought I was the only one dealing with this issue so it's really nice to know that I'm not alone. Thank you.
PPS we do want her move in (no different than what were currently doing.) My father passed away and the kids and her are best buds, which is awesome. I have a more challenging relationship but it's fine.
No, it isn't. Ignoring that aspect is not going to work.
You're blowing off what I think you already know... this is not going to end well. Your family will get to see firsthand the conflict with you and Mom. Do you want your kids growing up seeing that and thinking it's okay? Are you okay with being around Mom way more than you already are? Deep down, you aren't, but you're trying to convince yourself otherwise.
Good luck!
To be perfectly honest, and I would SAY this, this inability to understand what you like, how you live, and that you ARE a minimalist does NOT bode well for the future. I would ask you to consider that. Were I you I would get and read the book, Boundaries. And I would begin to create them now.
As I said, I am so sorry for her loss, but as we age it is frankly all ABOUT loss, one after another, and if we end with our continence, our somewhat intact mind, our eyes and our mobility, that is "miracle enough" for this lifetime. To have a daughter that wants actually to take us into her home and life, I call GRAVY.