My husband and I are in our mid-sixties. I have a remote job that I plan to ride into the sunset. Our youngest adult daughter, in her mid-twenties, also lives with us and pays a nominal room and board. We have two other children who are doing well and living on their own. My husband and youngest daughter suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. They are in treatment for their illness and overall, it is managed pretty well, but they still suffer from low energy, crankiness, and moodiness. They are both highly intelligent and in good physical health, and I suspect not nearly as helpless as they behave. I work full-time while my husband has been retired for 12 years, and my daughter works about 10 - 15 hours per week. I do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, and other miscellaneous household tasks, while supplying the bulk of our income. My husband and daughter's contributions generally involve walking the dog, and my husband manages our finances, runs errands, and occasionally does a bit of yard work. I have often asked them to help out more, but they complain or ignore me. While I love my husband and daughter and am sympathetic to their mental health challenges, I feel stuck in an enabling role. We have tried family therapy, and it has not helped, mainly because we spend most of the time dealing with my daughter's challenges with us--she sees us as controlling because we do not want to give her unlimited financial support and refuse to validate her anti-social behaviors. I am considering "taking a break" and moving out after the holidays. My job allows me to work remotely, and my work schedule is very flexible, so I could essentially work from anywhere. I would likely travel, visit relatives and friends around the country, and perhaps spend some time in a warmer climate. The assumption is that I would return in a few months, but I'm not sure I want to. Am I selfish for wanting to have my own time, space, and money, given their mental health problems?
In all truth, I don't know anything about your daughter and her therapy, but I cannot believe that living thusly enabled to not partake physically or financially in life at all is good for her. I think the same for your husband, as low self esteem follows letting others always "do for you". You likely have marvelous esteem if no energy for you are doing for others. People who deal with clinical depression often suffer from very low esteem and they are not motivated to think of others, but seem to focus inward on themselves. This is why I say that enabling this helplessness isn't good at all.
I can only suggest family therapy. This is a family problem. A therapist will be able to ask your daughter much better than YOU can "What are your plans" for yourself.
Do seek help. Issues such as this are much better addressed by professionals.
I wish you the very best of luck. Continue to talk openly with your family. Things hidden in the closet take on a vicious life cycle all their own. Lovingly discuss the realities of what is a real honest issue. And get professional help.
No one is STUCK in the role of enabler. Enabler is an adjective more than a noun. It describes an action, your action. No one is born an enabler.
That said, I would imagine your family therapist is not very good if he's allowing your daughter to run away with the session, focusing on your lack of financial support for her! My sister's 38 year old daughter had to be legally evicted in July bc she refused to work more than 15 hours a week, or help out in the house, or contribute to the bills.
Depression and mental health issues should be handled with medication and therapy both. Perhaps both of their current meds need tweaking AND a new therapist is in order.
You should also let them know, imo, that you're at the end of your rope living like this and plan to leave if changes are not made by both. Don't blindside them.
Best of luck.
I understand the challenges of living with the depression of family members. Yet I don't get why or how daughter got the idea that depression gives her the right to exist without working, striving, and becoming an adult who can function when her enablers (you and husband) are no longer around to prop her up. Aside from your getaway, which is a VERY good idea, that's what I'd focus on if I were you.
Depression is horrible and a serious challenge, but most people in our society realize that it's not an excuse to malinger. Who provides transportation for daughter? Did you buy her a car? Does she know how to cook? If not, why not? What does she do with all her free time, considering that she doesn't help around the house or do much of anything except, I guess, walk the dog? Does she have any rudimentary life skills, like managing a bank account or shopping for the household? Who is lined up to look after her when you and husband are gone?
I hope you will leave and find a place away from the burdens your freeloading family has placed on you. I also hope that your daughter will mature (finally) and live independently soon. This situation is not good for her.
It’s time for you to give your daughter an ultimatum to get an apartment and move out of your house as she is no longer a child under your care. It boggles my mind as to why your daughter, who is an adult, is only working 10 to 15 hours a week and why you tolerated this. It’s time for your daughter to be a responsible adult.
With regard to your husband, perhaps his depressed stems from him not working. Perhaps your husband needs to find a part-time job to occupy his time and at the same time to bring in some money to help with the household bills. Also, your husband needs to get a hobby or do some volunteering to help him out of his depressive mood.
Know that you are not a selfish person by wanting to have your own space and money. Living with these adults will definitely bring down your mood. Do not allow them to do this to you. You need to stop enabling these two adults and do what’s right for your sanity even if it means moving out of your home just to get away from them.
Wishing that you would find the peace that passes all understanding.
You should not be providing most of the family income AND doing most of the chores. That's just unfair.
I also agree with someone else that your daughter should be out in her own apartment. ASAP. You do not need to provide her with food and housing. A friend of mine helped a daughter similar to yours move out and sometimes had to supplement her rent. It was well worth it for my friend to have her home back.
You don't have to be an enabler. Set some boundaries and get them off their butts.
You should go on your trip and enjoy some time away from this situation.
Good luck.
You are not selfish. On the contrary, you have done for your family for a very long time. It's time for you to be able to explore what you want out of your life. Your idea to work remotely from another location is a good one, but maybe just do it just for a month. The change of scenery will be good for you. But I would not run away from home. Try to come up with a solution.
You haven't done all you could to change her situation until you've told her in no uncertain terms that the free-lunch wagon has left the premises and she needs to shape up and find a life and some friends. She can still play video games after her eight-hour a day job.....if she still has enough energy for it after working all day, driving herself home in a car she's paying for, and cooking herself dinner.
As for husband, surely he'd be happy to share an empty nest with you, his wife. If not, find a warm climate and better-suited companions. They're out there. Oh, and take half the money.
If your house is in joint names and your husband won’t go along with this, the first notice may not be valid, but it will still be a shock. If necessary, go to a lawyer and ask about how to make it legal. It might take splitting your assets. Drastic, but this situation is destroying your life! And their lives too. You are giving them ALL the choices at the moment.
I am sorry that family counseling wasn’t very effective in helping guide your family in the right direction.
Move your focus away from your husband and daughter for now and focus on what is important to you. Find a therapist that you feel is best suited for your needs.
Sometimes when we have been in a situation for awhile, we become blind to many things.
Your daughter is in her mid twenties and your husband is in his 60’s. One way or another, it is their responsibility to learn to be considerate.
Would others put up with their selfish behavior? I doubt it. So, why should you? If they were not related to you, would you put up with it? I don’t think that you would.
I’m sure that you want everything to work out for all of you.
After a reasonable amount of time, if nothing changes regarding their behavior, you will have to make important decisions about your future.
Be completely honest with your therapist. If you want your daughter to live elsewhere, discuss this and anything else that truly matters to you.
Wishing you all the best.
If you hurl accusations or hurtful comments at someone in the name of "therapy", you need to expect that the person who is being attacked is going to defend themselves. And you may end up hearing some hurtful things thrown back at you during that exchange.
Rarely is conflict only one party's fault.
Hopefully, in the end healing is possible for everyone. It is never possible until people are honest with themselves and each other.
Of course, everyone has their own perspective on how things are.
It’s incredibly sad when people hold onto grudges for a lifetime. It’s wonderful when people are able to learn to live in the moment and place their past hurts behind them in order to find peace in their lives.
Please send me your email and I'll send you the detailed information
It would be good if you could reply again, and let us know if you want more support to stand up for yourself. Or if you would prefer us to treat your question as a vent that doesn’t need any follow through. Or for that matter, if you would like critical input about ‘mental health diagnoses’ that ought to be taken with a pinch of salt? These ‘diagnoses’ are working very well to give your daughter a life-style that many of us would enjoy, and if you are also supporting your husband, the same goes for him.
Think about what you want, and let us know. You are clearly a very capable woman, but that doesn’t mean that you should be a victim – either of family members or of an industry that provides paid services that don’t work for year after year.
You have other competent, functional children. What do they think about all this? Their opinions might be illuminating!
Yours, Margaret