Any advice on setting respectful boundaries for my parents who live with me?

All I can think of right this minute is the words Thank you.

When Dad shadows you, nags about this & that simply say Thank you Dad. On repeat.

I know the C in OCD is for Compulsive but I feel it as Controlling. Do this, do that, have you done this? Done that? Check this, check that? Like trying to bat away 100 ping pong balls being fired at you one after the other.

I bet you want to scream Chill Out Mister! And also get out of my face!

Btw, why is he shadowing YOU? Why is he not in his own home talking the head of your Mom?

One suggestion: your work has a new arrangement that sends you home on the basis that you do an hour’s work straight after work (perhaps time saved up for later). You will need to lock the door to get this done, as the clients won’t tolerate interruptions. When you have sorted this out and dealt with the children’s needs, you will come across the yard to talk to him and your mother. No arguments, that’s the way it has to be.

If he has keys, put hook-and-eye latches on your doors.

Please be careful:
The situation will only get worse. Your dad will get worse, criticizing more…

He has OCD. It’s an illness. You CAN’T reason him out of it.

You’ll want to escape more and more from him. I suggest your parents move out of your house. It was kind you to let them live there. Now they should move.

What he is doing to you is disrespectful and why in the world would you pay all the bills? What do they do with their money?

Simply put, I would sit him down and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable and that he needs to back off.

If he starts yelling, tell him to leave as you will not tolerate this behavior from him anymore.

He can make a list of everything he thinks you should be doing and give it to you every Sunday, you will address the issues as you see fit. Stop doing everything he tells you to do, you are an adult and do not have to take orders from him.

When you return from work that is your time, make that clear to him. Put a lock on your door and use it, you should not have an open-door policy in the first place.

Setting boundaries is not being disrespectful. You have lost control of your life, your home is where you go to relax and unwind.

He is not your boss. As an adult you are his EQUAL, not a little child who he can order around,

You are too hung up on the being respectful to your parent thing, and because of this you are being verbally abused by a toxic man who you will never connect with.

Have you considered therapy to work through your issues about being unable to stand up for yourself and to be treated with respect? There is more involved than what is happening right now, the source goes back into your childhood.

I wish you the best!

You state in your profile that your mother has "age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, parkinson's disease, and sleep disorder."

Your father provides "most of" her care. If you are 49, how old are your parents? What's the plan for when your father needs more care? What care do you provide for your mother? Do you clean their mobile home? Cook for them? Do their laundry? Drive them places?

Why don't they contribute anything financially? Why and how did this living arrangement happen?

What is their financial situation? Do you have siblings? Are you a POA/HCPOA?

“You state in your profile that your mother has "age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, parkinson's disease, and sleep disorder."

I see now OP, why dad targets you and not mom. Mom has dementia/hearing loss, so mom can’t hear/understand dad.

So all criticisms are targeted at you OP. He needs to target someone, and you’re it, since you can hear.

It’s unfortunate there’s no mute button on abusive people.

Change your locks Do not let him into your home.

I would also suggest neuropsych testing for him. This sounds like "shadowing" which is often a sign of cognitive decline.

The shadowing could be decline or could be many other reasons too.. lonliness, escape from his caring duties, enjoys your company. Stress makes my LO's OCD ramp up. Is Dad's 'talk' a cry for help?

Please read the actual Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend. You’ll learn so much, like that the boundaries are for you, if others don’t abide by them they hold nevertheless less. The power in this is with you. As for being disrespectful, you’re the one being disrespected on a daily basis. If this were me, I’d certainly change the locks on my home to not having entering uninvited, I’d not allow anyone to stand and stare while I was on the phone, and I’d firmly lay down that my home is my space and I don’t need constant input on it. Your dad has been allowed to run rampant so don’t expect him to be happy when you institute changes, but this isn’t about his happiness, it’s about your mental health. If changes cannot be held it’s time for that nice mobile home to move somewhere else

OP, I believe your dad is like this:

I doubt it. I think OP’s dad is more like:
“OP’s home! Yeay! I can dump all my frustrations and negative energy on her. I can suck in her positive energy and leave her depleted, as we emotional vampires do. I can get my fix, my supply, my addiction to sucking out other people’s positive energy. And my favorite! I can criticize her non-stop, watch her her mad from my harassment, which makes me feel powerful and better about my low self-esteem.

“And I can constantly interrupt OP, just making her life a bit more frustrating. She’ll keep trying to defend herself against my criticisms, but then I’ll just criticize something else. I’ll just keep harassing her, because it’s fun for me. Then I’ll criticize the way she answers, or the tone. Whatever. I’ll always find something to criticize. She’ll think that by explaining to me her views, I’ll finally understand. She doesn’t know that I already understand: I’m just trying to criticize whatever I want. In fact, most, maybe all, of my criticisms, are actually about me. I’m the one who doesn’t listen, but I’ll spin it around and say she’s the one who isn’t listening. I’m the one who isn’t cleaning things, but I’ll blame her for not cleaning. And even is she does clean, guess what I’ll do?? Yup! Criticize something else. Why? Because putting her down MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me, because that’s my personality. Now you know all the tricks I do.”

I see no problem in telling him "Sorry Dad not now, I just got home. I am going in to start dinner and be with my kids. You need to go back to your trailer. I need time with my family, not you following me around telling me I need to do this and that. You have your home and you do things ur way. I have my home and I do things my way because...I am an adult not your child that you feel you can boss around." This may seem disrespectful but with these type of personalities you need to be blunt. I would make sure he had no excess to my house. That doors are kept locked at all times. Screen doors too. That kids are told he is not allowed in when ur not there. If they want to see granddad they go to his house. You have a right to say "Dad, not now".

Your Dad maybe under a lot of stress caring for Mom. It probably is not fun sitting with her all day long. Maybe he should find someone to watch Mom, with their money, to give him time to get way and thats not to ur house.

I wish I had advice but I’m looking for the same answers too! But thank you for posting this because it helps to know I’m not alone.

Analyzing his behavior is not going to help. He will stay the same. Just change locks.

I have 2 narcissists living with me. There Is NO answer for setting boundaries. I was told that when I feel them sucking the life out of me, they need to go. I agree 100%, now I am just trying to figure out how to do that. It’s easier said than done. Even though they still live with me, I did tell them they could not stay here. Of course they still here, but it made me feel like I took some control back from them.


hang in there!
I am with you!!

I wonder if this is triggered by the stress of taking care of your mother. His entire day is nothing but interaction with a person who can't really reciprocate on an adult level. Then when you get home he clutches at some semblance of "normalcy" and attempt to recreate the role he had when he was younger--the advisor and fix-it person, the "authority". Which you don't appreciate because, duh, you're not a child anymore.

This doesn't seem like a good situation for either of you. I'm sure that financially it makes a lot of sense as it's a relatively inexpensive solution. Would they be better off in an assisted living environment, where he could get help caring for your mom and he could have more socialization with peers? (Not to mention you get your life back!)

It sounds like your dad needs to be listened to, or in his world, needs to be heard.

When he goes on a "you should" rage, I suggest, you simply give him a big hug, tell him you love him, and let him know you will get X-Y-Z done when you have time. $10 says that will be enough to make it "all" go away.

As seniors age, their sense of relevancy and importance begins to fade away. They fight to stay independent and to be relevant, useful, and necessary. Loneliness is the leading cause of death among seniors. As caregivers, it is important that we take the time to listen to and acknowledge our people. As a child, it's even more important. If it occurs to him that your relationship is heading south, he may start to believe that he didn't do a good job as a parent and dig in even harder which will turn into a never-ending spiral of resistance and upset.

Here are two tips that will make your life so much happier, you will want to bake me a pie:

First, schedule some quality, alone time with your dad. Take him out for coffee, or to lunch, or someplace where Dad can be with his daughter and just talk. When you are alone, just listen, don't talk back, and for god's sake, don't argue. Acknowledge him, love him, and let him express himself. Let him feel your love, not your stress, anxiety, and upset for a change.

Next, give up that he's your "adversary" in the management of your life, and make him your partner instead. When he gives you his list of tasks and "you shoulds" (for me, whatever someone says after the words "you should" will never, ever happen), just let him know he's right (he probably is) and ask him if he can help you with that (or trade a task so you have time to do that thing instead). Make him an active partner in your life, not the intruder fighting to get in.

If you can afford to hire a social worker or Geriatric Care Manager now called Life Care manager to create a family agreement after talking to both of you. There have to be repercussions. Dad I love you but if you don’t do this I will change the locks on the house and not allow you to come in except for these times. In the agreement you could say this is my house and if you tell me ABC I’m going to do a DNF . Eg you cannot be in my home when I come home from work. You must wait until X . If you tell me to do something I’m going to leave the room until you leave the house.
i have done this with several of my families and it worked in every case. You lift stay firm. One was where the mother was so horrible to her daughters. I told her if they comes in and she agreed and starts acting out towards them, they will turn around and leave and eventually she stopped doing it because she needed her children will come see her . it wasn’t perfect but they felt empowered and she tested them for 2 weeks and finally she began to respect them much more. A written contract was helpful.
I suggest you have to have a third-party whoever that may be come in and establish the terms of the agreement After meeting with both of you separately and then drafting the document together. if it’s a pastor at church or a life care manager but I think it’s gonna be hard for you to enjoin him to set boundaries without a third person.. Good luck and God bless you! I’ll keep you in my prayers!!🙏🙏

Air horn. Whatever stress he is under and whatever his condition. he can change his behavior. If honey doesn't work, blow the air horn.

Can you set up a fence between mobile home and your home? He may need like a garden to take care of, or lawn to mow on "his" side. Also, you could set a time of when he can come over to "your" home. Some times a visual separation is needed. This is just a thought. Oh and he could set up the fence. It doesn't have to be a fancy one. Just go to home depot and get those wooden stakes, pound into the ground bam!

Listen, this is very difficult because he Is your dad but you have to be in control of the situation. They are living in your property and they have to follow the rules just like everyone else. If he is able to understand, make him known the do's and dont's.

This task will not be easy and it will take time and in fact he will show some resistance. You need to be persistent about this. I talk from experience. Like somebody else says, parents tend to listen to a third party rather than their son/daughter. The pay more attention and give importance to what the third party says.

Good luck. You will win. The path to happiness and control starts now.

A low key approach might be to start by conferring with his PCP and share these behaviors he exhibits. The PCP may need to reassess the
" level of care needs" for your father ( in other words PCP can help identify if these behaviors are correctable by rational intervention, conversation,setting of boundaries, or if the father needs other care needs such as change in medication etc. Getting a case manager, social services, licensed social worker involved will help you navigate options and conversations and self care as well as options to consider re parents care .

You will need to set boundaries that are apparently difficult for you.
Perhaps understandable since you've had this relationship with your dad for a lifetime.

A narcissistic will 'do' and 'push' and 'tell you xxx' every waking moment. It is in their DNA (in their brain chemistry). They KNOW they are right. They might even know they are the KING of the roost (house). They feel this in their bones. So... what to do?

Prepare yourself mentally and psychologically for the push-back you will get when you start setting limits and boundaries.

I couldn't read all the responses here now although I did read 'change the locks.' Yes, I would agree. Your home is your sacred space.

The question is: Why are YOU allowing your dad to follow you around the house like a puppy dog? This is a very serious question and you need to understand and consider your thought-processes and behavior. Are you afraid of him? Is the little girl inside fearing getting screamed at? Not getting approval from her daddy? These are understandable responses (yours) from a frightened child, although as an adult with your own 'self' and family, you must set boundaries.

You tell him ONCE: No ... I am doing xxx. [Perhaps say thank you for 'helping' if that helps you assert yourself].

Somehow you need to create barriers to what he can do / get into - be it locks on doors or care providers keeping him busy.

Realize that his behavior will not change and 99.9% will progress in the direction he is already going. You must set boundaries for him - for your sake - your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. And, it is imperative that you set a GOOD HEALTHY example for your children (I do not know how old they are, still...). You need to develop your self-esteem / self-respect.

It IS respectful to him to be clear and set limits.
You are NOT responsible for how he responds to you. That is his business (unless it harms others and then you need to take further action.)

The key here (I believe) is that you anticipate feeling awkward, uncomfortable, even scared to / when you assert yourself and set boundaries with him. He may 'stump his feet and have a temper tantrum, etc' - give him space to do this. He may try to scare you with screaming ... just walk away ... and lock the door behind you.

As another said, give him BUSY work. Fold laundry... sort bags ... fold paper for the recycle bin... anything. It depends on what he can do. He does this in HIS own space / home, not yours.

Finances. I quickly read you are paying for everything. As you can STOP that. And, why are you? Do you have POA / financial control over their accounts? You need to get paid for some of the house / trailer costs (insurance, etc). Take $ % and put it aside for your kids college fund.

If needed, get into short term therapy.

And, yes, give him a hug and never never and never give in once you put a 'rule' in place. He will drill in your head like a beam 'trying' to convince you to do as he wants "cause he knows what's right and needed' ... do not allow this.

Take breaks as you need. Put a rubber band on your wrist and when you set a rule / plan, and start to waiver (weaken), snap it ... to snap your brain into what it needs to do... you are doing this for all concerned.

If you continue to allow this behavior, they / he will eventually have to move and that would not be what you want to do. He will not change. You have to. Therapy. With love and tough love, Gena-Touch Matters.

Don't "detach with love". Try to sit down and tell him you're all past that stage in life. Let him know all of these nice things that you've said here, I.E. that he's reminded you a million times, that it's low on your priorities list, that he's welcome to do it if he wishes, etc.

Let him know if you want to set boundaries on your availability, or if you feel violated or intruded upon. If you do it as nicely and respectfully as you've been here, hopefully, no one will be hurt.

As a mom of ADHD kids, I can tell you this behavior is partly the ADHD and OCD coming into play. He will crave stimulation. Seeing things out of place may really bother him.
You might want to sit down with him and divvy up some of the things to do around the property, knowing that he will be doing them HIS way. This gives him something to do. ADHD hates boredom. Bad combo waiting for a disaster.

You can talk to his PCP about meds for at least the ADHD. Those could help.

Discuss and write out your boundaries and post them where he sees them. Please don't come over at these hours unless it is a life and death emergency, because I need this time for other things. Write them out, don't just tell him. He is forgetful. That's the ADHD. The OCD will tell him something is urgent when it is only urgent to him.

Encourage him to find some outlets for all that energy. Does he bowl or golf?

ADHD people can be very sensitive, but some just need you to tell them what you expect of them because they don't "just know". That seems to be a hard thing for ADHD people. They don't pick up social cues. Relationships are confusing.

One thing I learned from a younger cousin when my parent who was treating me as a child was to respond by calling my parent by her first name.
This sets the playing field as adult to adult. It takes a great deal of strength to do this but it does work!
When questioned why I called her by her first name, I explained that we needed to work as adults to resolve the issue. And this MUST be repeated as a reminder that we are now adults with a good set of values to resolve issues.

Remember tone of voice is extremely important! Speak to your parent as you would speak to a colleague at work - use a professional tone - not childish sheepish tone because that will give him the upper hand.

Hmmm...
My father is very similar to your father.
Change your locks.
Tell your dad that you need time with your kids when you get home.
Be prepared for the backlash as best you can. It get ugly before it gets better. He does not see or hear you.
He probably does need some help, contact his doctor and make appointment if you have too. Go to the appointment let the doctor know what is going on and tell your dad in front of doctor if you don't allow yourself help this is what will happen and follow through with consequences. Put your kids first. Stop paying their bills.

((HUGS))

If you are in another building than he, lock the doors until you are ready to deal with him.

If he refuses to go to the doctor, start looking for senior facilities for him. Yes, he is bored. Yes, he doesn't have enough to do. Yes, he is needy and high maintenance.

However, you cannot let him affect your life as he is doing now. He needs to find other constructive ways to let go of his energy and stop draining yours.

If he is able bodied, he can volunteer, he can make new friends. However, he must want to do these things and right now, he doesn't want to as you are more convenient.

(I always wondered what the pesky people at work did, once they were forced to retire....)

((HUGS))

You need to change to locks, and state that you do not appreciate being followed around in your own house.

Could you get a white board and put it somewhere where you and he can write down his list of things that he sees need to be done. Then you can say OK-thanks for helping organize that. Between working 40+ hrs per week to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table and taking care of my kids and helping with mom I have VERY LITTLE atone and energy to get those done. Which ones would YOU alike to do for me to help me out? Maybe you could do them while mom is napping and Im at work. Maybe between the two of us we can start knocking some off the list, but Im really going to need you to help me. By the time I work all day, get dinner and take care of the kids, Im wiped out. So I can only work this list on Saturday for part of the day. Where do you want to start? Im hoping to find one thing on the list that I can get started on too-No promises how long it will take-The needs of my kids come first.

Spaannie: Perhaps you can say something akin to 'Thank you, dad. I really appreciate your reminding me to do that, but right now I must get something to eat before I hit the floor.'