Hello,
I have some very serious concerns about some friendships my parents have developed in the past few years and one of the friends has seriously crossed the line with me, asking very inappropriate medical questions about my parents, etc. This recent behavior has been very concerning for me and I'm starting to connect some dots and I'm seeing a whole lot of red flags that indicate grooming of vulnerable adults. If I speak to my mom about my concerns and setting some basic boundaries, my mom turns on me and I am the bad guy (she has early stages of dementia).
I'm in communication with our Elder Law Attorney. And I am seeking advice from a social worker about how to set healthy boundaries.
I want to do a background check on this particular friend and her family. I've run across websites that claim to do background checks, but I've never used one. I'm curious if anyone here has any experience with a good service for background checks?
I've tried looking at the county courthouse but no luck. The hard part is that I don't know if this person has a criminal history somewhere else.
thanks so much for sharing your experience. best wishes!
and then check those county public records.
Weird things come up in our lives. I had a neighbor once who kept asking if he could have his mail sent to my house. My antenna went up. I just felt like something was off but I thought, okay, I will bite. So, I just asked him why did he need his mail sent to my house.
He came up with a BS story about wanting to surprise his wife with a special gift and he couldn’t risk her finding out about it in the mail. He claimed it was correspondence about her gift. I just didn’t trust this guy. I told him no that I would not allow him to use my address to receive his mail. He never discussed it with me anymore.
A few months later another neighbor told me that she had bought his story and allowed mail addressed to him to be sent to her house. It was mail from a woman.
This guy was married. He was having an affair on his wife. He had this double life going on, had children with this other woman and everything.
My neighbor got curious about the mail and opened it. She shouldn’t have opened his mail but she did. She confessed to opening his mail. He got furious but she was holding the cards because she could take it to his wife. She put a stop to him using her address for his secret love life.
People do dumb things. I wondered why he didn’t just use a post office box. This is how people get caught. They are stupid.
Stay on top of things. Have you decided what you will do? Will you tell your mom who may or may not believe you about these so called friends or will you confront them yourself? Awkward...
Tough situation...but you are wise to protect your family.
As for the nosy neighbors, you can come up with a few responses that are vague yet polite, and then change the subject of conversation (by asking them a personal question if you feel like getting the point across).
If through senior centers, you could raise your concerns with the management, as perhaps other families have shared similar issues.
In the last few years there were a number of threads here on this potential elder abuse, one of which arose from a woman who cultivated men at senior centers. That's kind of like "shooting fish in a barrel" - it's a "target rich" environment for predators.
I agree with those who advise against Internet background checks. Unless you do a very thorough research on the company, its corporate structure, people involved, and more, you really can't rely on the data they produce. And I'm assuming they gather it from public records, which anyone can do on their own.
Law enforcement entities have access to much more, so I would go that route, also providing them with examples of how your concerns developed so they realize you're concerned about elder abuse.
Law enforcement could also determine if these people are using aliases, and/or if similar behavior has occurred in other jurisdictions.
If they can't be of assistance, you might ask if they could recommend a private investigator.
In the meantime, check local court records for any lawsuits against them. Check with your state's prison record to determine if any have had served time. Michigan has a good and helpful site to check prison records, with a list of past and current charges as well as aliases.
I appreciate your husband being ethical. I have seen it go both ways. I am sure that you have too. I know officers that do periodically run names. Dumb in my opinion. It is risking your job. Not to mention, it’s a shady thing to do.
I even know a person who works in the credit department of a large company and runs credit checks on people because she is nosey! Now that is really a crappy thing to do.
It will catch up to her. How did I find out? She offered to run a check for me on a guy that my daughter was dating. I politely declined.
Can you get the bills sent to you? Lock down the money accounts. Do your parents have access to money, credit cards, bank accounts? Can you get POA and keep on top of the spending so your mom isnt giving gifts/cash etc. Store items of value somewhere. Not where mom can give them away. Keep popping in at random times.
You have to keep on top of this. There are a lot of people who would take advantage of a vulnerable person. This happened to my great grandmother. A guy showed up and tried to be her bf. He wanted her to sell her home and move to florida so he could buy a boat. He didnt care anything about her. My mom was so worried he would dump her in florida and take off in the boat. Luckily my great grandmother didnt do it. And she was of sound mind. Very scary.
Definitely talk to the lawyer. Good luck. Stay on top of it.