We took our daughter out to dinner for her birthday last night. It has been a tough year. She dumped her no good for nothing drunkard husband. She worked hard to get divorced and is buying a house and working hard. For the first time she was treated to a very nice dinner out with my wife and I. She said this was the first birthday in 10 years that she had not been "greeted with disappointment" (ex would not do anything for her). We had a great time. The issues was we knew dad had a meeting last night and we waited until he left to go to his meeting. Knowing full well he would have come along. It was my decision to have the 3 of us at dinner. He didn't even remember it was her birthday anyway. He remembers the other grand kids but not the one who lives with him. Also when we go out he knows I am paying so he orders a cocktail, soup, a salad, an expensive entree then coffee and dessert and generally make smart comments to the wait staff. This is the way he does it all the time. It would have added another $70 to the bill. I just wanted us and daughter time. The whole time though I was racked with guilt for not having him there. He got home after we got back and I guess he didn't know. I provide shelter, food, care for his dog and everything else but I still get racked with guilt when I dont bring him along. Just becasue I have him live with us does it mean I have to bring him to every event? I take him to my social club meetings to meet people. I take him to some games at my friends house (super bowl). I still feel guilty when I leave the house and I dont bring him along. I need me time and time with just my wife and daughter (while she is still living with us).
Dad was pleasantly occupied.
Dad didn't know he'd missed anything [eye roll].
Daughter had your undivided attention.
You saved yourself $70.
You saved the family any awkward moments with the waiting staff.
You include your father in every conceivable way that has any meaning for him.
Anything you still feel guilty about is unrelated to anything you are doing. Sure it's guilt and not disguised intolerable stress?
Sometimes, we have to treat ourselves in a kind and loving way. Others may fail to do that, so we need to be our own cheerleader. I don't see how guilting ourselves really helps. Normally, for a planned family member birthday, I would invite the entire family or at least those who live in the house. But, that might not be ideal, due to certain circumstances.
But, no, I don't feel guilty when going out without my family members, but, my situation is different than yours. But, I agree with Countrymouse, maybe, it's not guilt, but something else on the mind.
Your dad acts like the world revolves around him and, out of habit, so deeply ingrained it's practically congenital, you *agree*. You not only act, you think and feel as though the world revolves around him.
How to put him back into his proper proportion... now there's a question.
You did great. I'm glad you had a good time. P.S. I loved Sunnygirl's "we have to treat ourselves in a kind and loving way. Others may fail to do that, so we need to be our own cheerleader."
Dad sounds a little too entitled to me. If you pick up the check and dad knows it, I'd lay down some rules "Dad, you get a drink or a dessert, not both. You pick a reasonable entree, not the most expensive. I can't afford it." And there's nothing wrong with you wanting "alone time" with your child.
The roles have reversed now, in effect, YOU are the parent and your dad is the teenager. Start treating him like the thorn in your side that you were to him when the roles were reversed - ha! You can do it with some humor, but the intent is clear. Your house - your rules.
You have every right to alone time with your wife or your wife and daughter. Your dad doesn't have to be included in everything you do. Privacy is still important. If he can't get with the program, you need to find him other living accommodations. I grew up in an Air Force family with a Chief Master Sergeant for a father. I learned from him well, can you tell? But I believe you have every right to feel comfortable and not stressed in your own home.
A year and a half later she moved to an independent apartment in a continuing care facility. She's been there for three years.This has really helped but she still depends on me for socialization. She chooses not to get involved in activities so of course she's lonely. More GUILT.
When my son comes home from college for a weekend I have her over for a night but not the whole weekend. When all the kids and grandkids are here and she's not it's a whole different dynamic and we need that sometimes. More GUILT.
Luckily my husband has helped me set boundaries. He is very supportive and helps me get through the GUILT. He's getting ready to retire and we want a retirement like my parents had. This can't happen until I get over feeling responsible for my mom's happiness. I'm a work in progress:)
So I get to sit and stew in my own self imposed stress and he goes along like all is fine. I know it is self inflicted but.....