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I live 800 miles from my 95-year old mom, but I handle her bills and I'm on her bank accounts. She has round the clock help at home. Every time I talk to her (nearly every day), she starts ranting about her money, accusing me of stealing it, of changing her bank, of hiding things from her, of not letting her near her money. I have never taken a dime from her and she has access to several well-funded checking accounts. Is this obsession with money common in dementia? Honestly, it's getting to the point where I don't want to pick up the phone.

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Common with dementia, and common with Depression Kids like your Mom in general.
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I think money confuses them in dementia, but they know enough that they should worry about it. I was helping an elder who (as it turned out) had spent her entire adult life juggling credit cards, transferring balances, doing bill consolidation loans, home equity loans, etc. In other words, she had spent thousands of dollars over many years on interest and fees. That didn't bother her. What DID bother her was that she somehow ended up with a $2.89 refund due on one of those accounts. She called me almost daily asking how we should "manage" that amount (of less than three dollars). "What will we DO about it?" "Where should we put that money?" All of that interest was flying out the window for many decades on a whole bunch of credit cards and loans, but she wasn't worried about that or asking me how to approach THAT problem. A small refund was occupying her thoughts to such a large extent. And I don't think it was a diversion tactic. I think she was legit more worried about the $2.89 than she was about anything else. This was the same lady who would drive from branch to branch of the same bank asking the same questions over and over of the staff. Presumably in an effort to get rid of her, they put her on online banking - which she did not understand either. It was a lot of time demanded of me. I kept thinking I could calm her. I have the checkbook now and she never asks about it. Online access info has all been changed by me - although I think she did try to log in from the facility once.
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SAME!!! Mom is totally obsessed with money and accessing her bank info online. Of course she can't log in properly and keeps getting locked out. Blames everyone else. The bank manager at the local branch hates her and is messing with her accounts. When she can't access her accounts she won't spend money as she doesn't know if she has any. She has $40,000 in liquid cash. A trip to Walmart isn't going to bankrupt her.

She is terrified to spend money. Her house needs painting, new windows and some other smaller maintenance things. She refuses to pay for any of it. I've tried telling her that it's not required to honk out cash. She can get a very low interest home equity loan. She won't hear of having another "bill". She has no debt, she is referring to utilities and very reasonable property taxes and insurance.

She says she "might need that money someday". Well guess what. This is someday. And what better way to spend assets than improving your already valuable asset, your home?

The most recent money argument was over running the sprinklers for an hour on her bone dry garden. Wasting water!!!!!!! She will shut the dishwasher off mid-cycle to save water and electricity. Hangs her clothes all over instead of using the dryer. I ran some errands for her this week and spent about $100. She asked when I got home if she had any money left.
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My father with dementia is obsessed with saving money. Which is funny, because he wasn’t that way before. He sits in the dark till I come over and turn on the lights. I ask him why he won’t turn lights on he said he’s trying to save money. I assure him we can afford electricity. Same with the dryer. He refuses to use it. He has clothes hanging all over the place drying poor thing. I also have to turn on the air conditioner. I tell him if things ever get bad I will let him know, in the meantime it’s ok to use things...But it doesn’t work
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losingitinmo Jul 2020
Yes, it’s so strange. I guess some elderly folks want to feel like they’re being frugal, but they’ve lost perspective.
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SAME HERE. I get calls every single day asking to send cash in the mail. "Needs money" which she does not. She is in ASSISTED LIVING where everything is taken care of and paid for except phone. There is a small store in the facility and my mother will go and buy $100 worth of hard candy. She is a hoarder. UGH!!!
i screen all phone calls to feel out her mood. Then call back if she is fairly nice. Which is not often. I feel your pain.
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losingitinmo Jul 2020
Yes, I think one of the hardest parts of this is that my mom is angry so often. When she’s lashing out at me, it makes me not want to talk to her as often, but if I don’t pick up the phone, she only becomes more upset. I feel your pain, too.
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This seems to be a pretty common thing with people who have dementia. My mother accused me of the same thing and I wasn't handling her finances at the time. People with dementia seem to want more money so they take out loans or they think every person wants their money.

I would start by telling mom that you are not stealing her money or just say "ok mom, I hear you" and cut the calls short. Do not get into an argument with her because you can and will not be able to reason with her. Is there a reason why you call her everyday? Can you just call her 2 to 3 times a week? Or just talk to the caretaker to see how mom is doing.

Others will be on here soon and they will be able to help you more than I can. Your not alone when it comes to this behavior.
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losingitinmo Jun 2020
Thank you -- it's good to hear I'm not alone. I have tried to reason with her, but that hasn't been effective for a while. I just keep telling her that I would never do something to harm her. Usually she calms down... until the next time. And I don't call her every day -- more often, she gets her caretaker to dial the phone for her and she calls me. But I might stop answering every time.
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She has round the clock help at home.

hello? perhaps someone is trying to place the blame elsewhere?/// ????

 She has round the clock help at home. SERIOUSLY... LOOK AT YOUR POST... !!!

 She has round the clock help at home.  She has round the clock help at home.  She has round the clock help at home.  She has round the clock help at home.
maybe it's time to make a visit??/ see how she is really being cared for?  She has round the clock help at home.
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Dragonfly62 Jun 2020
Mayday, if you can’t be nice, then find something else to do with your time. We don’t need rude people on this site. Bye Felicia!!
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dragonfly, glad I got a response,,, been on here a long time.. but my feelings still stand.

I know it's hard to get family members closer to their LO's, but sometimes it's better to hear those words, someone else is in mom's house, and mom is thinking things, like money, are being disbursed without her knowledge.
With this, dare I say, perhaps it would be a thought to try to move mom closer to a family member?
If it's possible, that may be a good thing to think about, getting mom closer to keep better tabs on her and what's going on.
My friend moved her parents and her FIL into a facility that caters to staying in place for the elders when they go through the stages of aging. And in between all of this, she is also in charge of her Great Aunt. Yes, she is moving her to be close. Nothing wrong with that. She will have everyone in close range to help them without being hundreds of miles away.
So. Losingitinmo, I am sorry for your situation. If at all possible, think about moving mom closer to you, so you can keep tabs on her, and perhaps have quality family time with her..
If I offended you, please accept my apology.
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losingitinmo Jul 2020
It’s fine, but believe me, I have been trying to get my mom to move for years. She has always insisted that she’s going to die in her house (where she’s lived for 60 years). I do keep tabs on her accounts online. No one is stealing her money. But I do worry about her living without any family near.
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She probably feels her independence slipping, and money is one solid thing that comes across. She is losing that grasp, and she knows it. It's almost the same as when we take our parents car keys away from them...
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My cousin, finally moved his mom into a 6 pack. She didn't even realize it was not her home.. My mom, was completely aware I moved her.. that was sad.. My friend moved her mom in, and we would take them out for ice cream, and have dances in the home. It was wonderful since we both had backup.
If you could find a place, mention, house repairs, she must be out for a few days... maybe termites.. and "test drive" her in a facility for week... ?
best wishes for you.
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