After recently joining this site, I have found great comfort in knowing I'm not alone. From all the posted messages and responses I've read so far I am recognizing things going on in my life with my mother and recently deceased father that had me guessing my worth as a daughter but I know now that I've been truly manipulated by their actions. I also hope that reading these posts (they have become my nightly go to reading) will maybe help me when I'm in my eighties to remember to NOT be demanding on my children, on their time, to respect their jobs because they have to work to pay bills! NOT to pull the silent treatment because I don't like something they said. Or the guilt treatment because I want something done. I gave life to two wonderful sons but I don't expect payback. I will respect them and their families and I WILL NOT live with them. I love them too much! Instead I will make plans or accept their decision as to where I should be as I approach the final chapters of my life and hopefully God willing I can.
2015 fell in her house, nothing broken, but had a few days in the hospital and then Rehab. Hubby decided it would be easier for her to move in with us. This lasted about 10 months. One night I was so mad because we ended up with roaches, my mom would sweep the dog food under the stove and also found it thrown around her room. Our one dog would eat the kibble off the floor. So it's 1:00 in the morning and I couldn't sleep. I go on the internet to look for some facility I haven't looked at. One popped up on the side of the Google results, it is owned by Methodist church, I called the next morning, went to see it that afternoon and my mom moved in the next month.
My mom had her neighbors bringing her mail up to the house and putting her trash out. They were nice enough to offer to do that for her. Small town and that's what country people do.
I have told my kids, if anything happens to their father, I am not staying in the house. They will not be driving me here and there. I will move to independent living.
Since I have no children, and never had any siblings, thus no nieces or nephews, I would need to hire all my care. Or gather up some of my cousins who are around my age and do a Golden Girl household :)
This site is a lifesaver. I wish I had found it before my dad passed away from the stroke. The support and understanding has been amazing.
I hear you. I grew up desperate for praise. I was a pleaser my whole life. In our culture you were expected to care for your parents. My father did not have kids till he was in his 40s. And my mom was 20 years younger and divorced him. I felt the responsibility keenly to help him as he aged. He wanted to stay at home and since he never asked for much, I tried to accommodate him. It wasn't easy because the daily care was escalating and I failed to realize how angry and resentful I had become. I wish I had found a better way.
Seeing my dad in that situation. I am fearful for myself as I age. I have no kids and I don't expect my nieces or nephews to care for me. I know they will be too busy with their own lives. I know no one knows the future, but I hope I can stay healthy as long as possible.
Certainly, I want my husband and children to have compassion and visit me and make sure I'm clean and fed and as comfortable as possible but they don't have to be ones providing that care, especially not full-time.
I know that is the exception on this board (for good reason) but I like to point out that the situation does exist. (And probably exists in far more cases than this board would represent.)
I gripped her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes. Because my daughter, in many ways is like me, a people pleaser.
My Mom isn't a people pleaser, although she likes to have fun, be adventurous, help others, fight for the underdog. Still, she's pleasing herself first. She's selfish, in a mostly harmless way, but now that she has dementia it's next to impossible to reason with her.
That would be worse than having chicken pox as an adult or frickin bed bugs
At the moment I'm hiding in my house...my dad is in my garage waiting for me to answer door
...he's legally blind