My husband's family has a history of dementia. His grandmother, a great-aunt, and an uncle all had it and his mother just moved into full-time dementia care after 3 years of home care. For his mother and grandmother the dementia appeared very late, in their 90s. I am not sure about the onset for the other two family members except that the uncle's onset was much earlier. My husband and I are in our 50s and we've known each other for 20 years. He is fit and healthy with no addiction concerns.
He's never been good with time, not knowing if something happened a couple months ago or a couple years ago. We have started bumping heads over his lying about me (just to me, not to other people). There are 3 instances I can point to.
He is lactose intolerant. He drinks dairy-substitutes and I keep lactose-free milk for myself so I can use it cooking for him. I am not and have never been lactose intolerant. Occasionally he'll suggest I have a Lact-Aid pill with food, since it might have milk. He is convinced that I am occasionally bothered by dairy and that I have told him that before. I have never, never said that and I have no problem with dairy. He says I've told him before that I am bothered by dairy and often gets upset with me that I am always changing what I tell him I like and dislike from day to day. It is also one of the few instances where I can say with 100% certainty that I have never claimed to be sensitive to dairy. Other similar arguments on different topics have been making me question myself.
A few days ago he was making us dinner and was very angry with me about one of the potatoes being rotten. He accused me of putting a rotten potato in with the good potatoes to ruin them. I questioned his accusation and he said that it was "just like me" to do something like that. I got very angry and told him in no uncertain terms that I did no such thing. I don't even know where I was supposed to have gotten a rotten potato from! Later that evening he did apologize, which is extremely rare for him to do, but I was angrier than he's seen me since the cell phone problem below.
The worst and one of the earliest issues that scared me needs a bit of history first. He hates cell-phones, and we did not own one until about 4 years ago. I finally got one as a gift from my sister, but before I got it, he and I talked and agreed that we didn't want his family to know we had one because he didn't want them to be able to call while we were away from home. Especially his mom, who was not showing signs of dementia yet, but has always been quite clingy. I agreed completely with not sharing with them that I had a cell phone since I didn't want to have to field phone calls from them (we've always agreed that I "do" my family and he "does" his). About a year later, we had a big argument (we don't argue often). In the end he accused me of spending an entire visit at his mother's "playing on my cell phone". The problem is, whenever we'd been at her house it was on "do not disturb" and hidden in my purse. There was never a chance for her to ever see it or hear it or even suspect it existed. I never took it out of my purse while we were there. I know he's opposed to cell phones in general so I never "play" on it around him at all and keep it on silent when he's around. I have no idea where that came from or why he'd say such a thing. It was as outlandish and unrealistic as saying I ran in and punched his mother in the nose!
I really don't know what to think or what to do. I am hurt, scared, and frustrated at the entirely false and unrealistic accusations from him and I'm worried that they are increasing in frequency.
can you imagine? :)
Just turn your phone OFF COMPLETELY if you are visiting anyone your hubby has issues with, say for instance HIS MOM... OF ALL PEOPLE... HIS MOM.... Not your mom HIS MOM...
Got to the time in our routine.. he sees his, and I see mine.. My kid sees the grandparent who recognizes grandchild the most...that was a few years ago... all grandparents died :(
CASE IN POINT::: CELL PHONES ARE NOT A POINT OF ARGUMENT. TELL HIM TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE TO FIGHT ABOUT. SERIOUSLY. TURN YOUR PHONE OFF, LEAVE IT IN THE CAR. GEEZ. Yes, cell phones are nice in EMERGENCIES... NOT TO FIGHT OVER. make it clear to him.. nurses and ER people need to be able to get in touch with you... If you have elders who need you...
MILK.... OK... NOW WE ARE ARGUING ABOUT MILK... GET RID OF IT.. BUY OATMILK.. PURCHASE ALMOND MILK... GET RID OF THE ARGUMENTS...Don't Buy dairy--PERIOD... Let him go out, bring back.
What are we going to gripe about now? NUTS... Yes,, people are allergic to nuts.. do they have affects on spouse?
What about chocolate? spouse have issues? Potatoes? Bad? seriously? Your hubby helps in the kitchen? AND HE THINKS A PIECE OF POTATO IS GOING TO KILL HIM? Honestly... MY SPOUSE WOULD HAVE DIED YEARS AGO ... what did I do wrong? :-
Spouse is allergic to a lot of things. Almost killed spouse at a very nice restaurant over 20 years ago... THE BAD OYSTER... not my fault... Restaurant actually called us at hotel to tell us to go to ER... That's how bad, bad oysters can be... DEADLY... guess there was only one that was not good. yes, we are together in harmony or agony... you toss the coin. I have my DNR in place. do you?
I hope we can get out of this rut and have a nice day off sometime soon.. we both need it.
I do not need to get rid of milk, I have no issue with dairy and prefer it to non-dairy milk alternatives. The issue is that he's decided I am lactose intolerant and that is not and has never been true.
We don't argue about nuts nor chocolate nor oysters. I do not understand your reply or how it applies to my situation at all.
The issue is not with day-to-day spousal disagreements. It is with these specific types of disagreements where he is very angry over things that are not real, but he is making up (or imagining, or, lying; I don't know) about me. Things I would never do.
I may have been blogging things, but let me be clear... You Cannot Abandon Your Mom. should not. And you need to get her house in order. Who has Power of Attorney for finances and health? Who does she depend on mostly when she does need help? Who is the closest to her physically, mentally, emotionally? Hubby sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with her. Does mom have other children who are willing to step up to the plate and take care of MOM?
AN ENTIRE VISIT AT HIS MOM's... WAS HE WITH YOU?
If that is the case... tell hubby it is his responsibility to VISIT HIS MOM... not yours. You have your immediate family to visit...
HONEY... YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE AND SEE YOUR MOM... It is okay,
Are you sure he doesn't have a secret cell you are not aware of?
This has nothing to do with my mom.
No he doesn't have a "secret cell"
DO NOT BUY DAIRY
DO NOT BUY FRESH PRODUCE
BUY DRIED FOODS, TV DINNERS, FROZEN FOODS
to avoid confrontations.
You sound very worried about your husband. Have you shared with him that you are worried?
When was his last complete physical? Are you in touch with his doctor (like maybe you have the same doctor)?
If I was in your shoes, I'd be in touch with his doc and give him a short version if what you've told us. It sounds as though he is having instances of mis-remembering things, or false memories.
I wouldn't necessarily jump to a dementia dx, but I would talk to his doctor about it.
Thank you, also, for your earlier reply and the link as well. I'll take a look at it.
come on, have you heard about someone getting sick over one potato? If he saw it while helping you cook, he should have just grabbed it and tossed it.
that's what I did. I had a bag over a couple weeks,,, thinking I can salvage something. Chop off the bad stuff, but when the flesh is green, and weird.. yup, I tossed it.
If he is so scared about cell phones, the both of you should acknowledge, you have it, and it stays in the car when you see his mom. Glad he was there, sounded like you were the only one visiting... My apologies
Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse... If he is getting more abusive in any form, you may want to consult your doctor, and his..
Jumping through hoops to keep him calm is not a solution.. find help. others will post now too.
take care.
https://www.healthline.com/health/confabulation
About a year ago, he started telling people that he turned down an appointment to the Naval Academy! In all the years I've known him, no one ever mentioned such a thing. I was planning to ask his brother but he passed suddenly from Covid in March. I did ask my sister-in-law a few weeks ago and she said that it wasn't true.
And he keeps saying I said things that I never said. I keep attributing it as gaslighting. I have to stand my ground and say, "I never said that," even when other people are around to hear.
My husband does have a diagnosis of fronto-temporal disorder from a hospital stay when an MRI was done. BUT neither his neurologist nor his pcp have ever addressed this.
Another source of information about this issue is the "nurse line" if your insurance company has one. It's basically a non-emergency phone line staffed by an RN who can help with sorting out symptoms, and when to seek care.
Does your husband work? Any issues there?
Maybe your husband’s behaviors are the beginnings of something associated with Alzheimer’s. But they seem controlling to me. I hope that I am wrong. If these are new behaviors and he has never made you feel less; I apologize. Please call his doctor, ahead, and explain your concerns. Also, try to talk to your husband about your concerns. Ask him if there is something he is worrying about.
Best wishes.
You could be looking at other stressors, to tell the truth. His own aging, what he is seeing with family that is aging, any job changes or life changes. It could be something else to do with anxiety that is being kept in. It could be depression due to covid-19 shut in?
I have a question. When you speak of any of this calmly, sitting down with him, is he very upset, very much in denial? That would be a que that he himself may be noting changes that are scaring him.
I would, as I said, keep a diary of sorts. Just a date and an incident. You will know soon enough. This could be what you fear, but it could be also a general depression and anxiety. Wait and see is easy enough to say, and oh so hard to do. I am wishing you luck and hoping you will update us. If there is a way for you to join any dementia forums, such a groups on FB that are private, and if he doesn't meddle with your computer sites, do so. You will get a world of info. If you get questioned if he finds something say you were worrying about yourself, about your family, and that you feared you were having, YOURSELF, episodes of forgetfulness such as when and how much you used your cell phone. I agree, it is by far the most disturbing of the instances. But he could be very threatened that you are moving into the 21st century and he doesn't want to "go there". Watch and wait. You will know soon enough.
I hope you are able to find a doctor for him to go to nearby, to get a definitive diagnosis (vs online opinions). If you are able and interested, reading books about Alzheimer’s/Dementia may be very helpful. I’m currently reading “I Will Never Forget”, about a daughter dealing with her mom’s dementia, and it’s been very helpful. This site is a great resource too, of finding others in the same boat.
My heart goes out to you, for the difficult journey ahead.
I totally understand how scared you must be. Most of us think that dementia is an "old persons disease" and that we won't have to deal with it in our 50's and 60's, but early onset is becoming more and more common. Odds are you will have trouble getting him to understand/admit that there is a problem and that he should go to a doctor and have some testing done.
My heart goes out to you. Don't forget to take care of yourself while you're trying to deal with him.
(My apologies to Taarna--I typed the foregoing before seeing your comment.)
It appears that something is going on with your husband's thought processes. It could be blood chemistry imbalances, one of the above dementias, or even a tumor. Please get him to agree to a doctor's appointment so you can pinpoint the problem. If he does have early Alzheimer's disease, there are wonderful medications that will help him have better thought processes for many years. The key is early diagnosis and treatment.
unfortunately, as I read your question and descriptions of behaviors, I do think your husband is starting dementia. I lost my mother last December. LBD. Upon reading your husbands behavior reminded me of exactly similar behaviors my mother had at the very beginning. Very early. Now I understand why she was accusing me of silly simple things that I didn’t do. She was confabulating. Later, other symptoms developed which were extreme and hard to handle. But your descriptions match my mother’s very very early stage.
It’s a journey of 7 to 8 years. I’m sorry to tell you, it will get worse.
all I can tell you is to cling to God very tight. Do not argue, do not try to convince, do not engage. When possible re-direct.
may God bless you and accompany you.
Here is an article about different causes from the UK: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/causes/
Here is one from USA: https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/types-dementia#1 I just did a search for Causes of Dementia and found these two articles. There are many more, but I read these and thought they might help. This is a really thorough one: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dementia/symptoms-causes/syc-20352013. Praying that you are able to find answers soon.
Which is why medical evaluation should be sought whenever there is a noticeable deviation in behavior. Best to find out what you're dealing with diagnostically, the sooner, the better.
Clinical studies connect microdoses of lithium with amyloid plaque ( which causes Alzheimers) reduction and cognitive improvement. Lithium is an essential element from the earth we normally would get in healthy food, but our soil and food are depleted. Here are the studies. It's worthy doing the research .
https://content.iospress.com/articles/journal-of-alzheimers-disease/jad190862?fbclid=IwAR00XaWA0BUr0BQqnnYC1D4nVSx4jpkes9uhhWiBFKIQQ3YvdgY8-3ZNEzY
https://scitechdaily.com/low-dose-lithium-may-stop-alzheimers-disease-in-its-tracks/?fbclid=IwAR0FwmWc3hXCadTbRzsnGIndR3LhXD26ohsL_gwQ9Fkqq6m21fHlHB1CZ4k
https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/lithium-alzheimer-prevention-what-are-we-waiting?fbclid=IwAR2hnjyERcF-sre0Ooqczoxk1nrSoeqgWUyAHIJ9dCSGvi4E9hSz1rnWf6A
You need to change your attitude and quit taking it personally. That is very hard to do but necessary if you want peace of mind.
For example, in the rotten potato incident, you could say, I don't know how that got in there and simply remove the potato.
The accusation over the cell phone would be harder to turn away but maybe you could say, I don't remember that, and change the subject.
You have to know that this is dementia and not his normal behavior.
I think a thorough physical is the next step. You need to inform the medical team what you are concerned about so they can perform testing.
They may need to add certain markers in their blood work that they normally wouldn't test for or add other tests that cover this area.