Mom had her shower this morning by the great CNA I love. I made her waffles and Carnation Instant Breakfast. My Drs appointment was at 11:30. I got back to mom's at one and the door was locked. My keys were inside so I didn't lock it. I asked the secretary that works in the front office what happened she said all she knew is mom went out in a gurney 15 minutes ago. I called the hospital they wouldn't give me any info over the phone. I went down to the emergency room and they were swamped and wouldn't let me in or give me any info. I'm freaking out at this point. I went to friends where I keep spare key and went into mom's. There's a card from APS!! God I'm beginning to really hate them. All of mom's nurses have been saying how good she's doing and what a good job I've been doing. When I finally get to see mom at 8:30 pm. She's scared the nurse says that her thyroid is a little low, her salt is high and she could use more water. The reason listed for her emergency room intake is "not thriving". She's doing better than she's been doing in a month. It was too late to call APS I'll do it tomorrow. I was told a concerned neighbor called. I know which one it was, she's called on at least 8 people. I'm just so tired of these people who are supposed to be helping hurt instead. It takes mom weeks to get over hospital stays. I'm so pissed I've got to end this post now. Just wanted to know if anyone has been able to get APS off their back once they start coming around?
Your mom has dementia. She was home alone.
Past the very early stages, a dementia patient cannot and should not be left unsupervised.
Before you go off on APS or a neighbor, find out if mom got "scared" and called 911 ( it happens).
If mom is going to continue to live at home with you, you need to figure out how to have someone stay with her when you go out. Like the CNA. Or a neighbor.
And, so, what happened between your leaving the house prior to 11:30 and your returning at 13:00? Apart from suspicions about the nosey neighbour, you don't know - and that's kind of the point.
Just idly musing... Is the nosey neighbour up for a little mother-sitting next time you have an appointment? Be a triumph if you could turn her and recruit her, no?
Many on this forum are quick to suggest "call APS" as if it results in perfect harmony being wrought from chaos. What resources has APS managed to secure for your mother?
"Past the very early stages, a dementia patient cannot and should not be left unsupervised." Okay, and yet most Americans are not flush with cash. Most Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. Most Americans are one paycheck away from disaster. Most Americans cannot afford private pay. Most Americans have not saved for retirement. What exactly are most Americans either with dementia or dealing with a person who has dementia to do when supervision costs $15 per hour and it's a choice between $30 for supervision versus $30 for gas? We must contend with reality.
Sparky - does your mother qualify for longterm care in a public nursing home? I think perhaps it's time to get on with your life and prepare for the inevitable. You still have time to get your ducks in a row. If you're worried about APS and if there's nothing you can do to stop that busybody from calling APS, then perhaps it's time to step back, reevaluate, and change course. Nothing but hard choices here.
Yes, you are proactive about caring for her. You have an aide. No one could predict how long you’d be at the doctor’s. But maybe you need to re-examine her care and supervision. Anger is a gut reaction. But maybe you need to speak with her aide and her doctor and see if there are other possibilities for her. Daycare? Can the aide stay longer when you need to leave Mom alone? If APS sees you are committed to giving Mom the best care, they’ll back off.
It doesn't seem to matter I've told them everything she's safer alone here for a couple of hours than most anywhere else. She's still mostly herself and she can't walk so she doesn't wander. There are 100 rooms in the apartment complex it's 9 stories and you can't get in the building without either calling the person you want to visit from the outside phone or the office. The office is in the main lobby in front of the only entrance. There are cords all over the apartment and two residents on call mom didn't pull the cord she's not so far gone that she would have done that and forgot. She was a resident on call her first seven years here. She's lived here for almost 13 years.
Anyway they're talking about conservership (sp?). "Because old people should be in a home together". Swear to God that is a direct quote from the last idiot I talked to. I feel like I'm in a twilight zone movie where all the idiots are the "professionals" now. It seems to me that our culture has placed so much more value on the youth that it's now ok to say that unless we are free from our responsibility to our older loved ones then we won't "have a life". Who decided that you can't have a life caring for your older loved ones? Everyone is so worried about my well being it feels like they think they're doing this more for me than mom.
It's like. Ok get the old lady away from him he's got a few good years left maybe he can get a life. I have a life.
Have you tried Council on Aging? It’s a long wait list but worth a try. The respite care is free. They don’t give a lot of hours but it’s a help nevertheless. What about churches in your area? Do they have volunteers? Is hospice or palliative care available? Just tossing suggestions out. Don’t know what you have tried or have lined up. You can’t do everything yourself. It will kill you trying. Take care, Sparky.
I have a friend who lost his wife. He took care of his MIL till the day she pasted. He ran her business for her. Don't think she had Dementia but she was not mobile. He would get her up, dressed and given breakfast. He would then put her in her recliner with snacks,a container of water, TV remote and phone nearby. The business was local, so he was back for lunch and checked on her if near the house. Then later home for dinner.
You know Mom. If you feel she can still follow directions then I see no problem. Its when she starts to forget that she is not mobile enough to walk. Puts a pan on the stove, etc. I did not place my Mom into LTC until she had no idea where she was and I physically could not care for her. If you feel you want to care for Mom, then I see no problem.
As another example, where I live, bush fires are as big a problem as in California, and every year some are caused by arson. Arsonists like the feeling of power, and love to watch the fuss as the fire is fought and put out. Unfortunately, arsonists even volunteer for the fire services. I would be staggered if there are no people who have the same feelings about reporting on everything and everyone they disapprove of, and it may certainly be true that your neighbour is one of them. Keep your eyes and ears open, and don’t forget the legal option.
When I was a visiting nurse and saw clients in those high rise Senior buildings, you are so right, everyone makes it a point to notice the comings and goings of all. The group hangs out in the lobby area and checks out everyone being buzzed in.
In some instances it was good - like a commune - for those truly living alone with no family or any visitors.
In other instances, it was simply none of their business what was going on in a resident’s apartment.
Sounds like the latter group are putting their noses where they don’t belong.
You have been really good with the whole situation so far thus I commend you.
It sounds like they are harassing you now and that’s not good.
I suggest dropping into the management office to check in & made some mundane convo and then tell them to “Have a nice day”. Fight fire with fire - charm them but ignore them.
I would take on APS too; I mean engage them in a conversation or meeting to ask what concerns they have. If they won’t discuss, you’ve done your part by reaching out to them. Take notes.
While it’s nice to be good neighbors often there isn’t much to do in the course of a day for the lobby group & any change in routine will prompt a huge hullabaloo.
You are a good son/daughter to your mother. Carry on and I hope theAPS issue is resolved soon for you, as you don’t need added stress trying to do the right thing.
Good luck fighting the good fight!
i was finally fed up. Sick of these weekly calls to APS. They never told me it was her...but, they knew.
I. called the family attorney..told him what was happening. Told APS to talk to my Moms attorney.
once I moved my parents, she no longer had anything to try to convince APS I was doing...since she wasn’t around us any more.
PS...this same neighbor managed to get the HOA to tear down my fathers handicap ramp!!! The lawyer dropped the lawsuit when I decided to get them moved and try to quiet the whole thing down. Mom had a stroke, Dads dementia was getting worse fast. Time to get out of the neighborhood for their sake,
See All Answers