I help take are of my 90 old ML. She lives alone, just stopped driving, doesn't like going to the Dr. and she just agree to have a home health care aid come in once a week. We do her shopping, pay her bills and other things as needed. My husband is an only child, so no help from siblings. About 2 months ago, we got her to go see a Dr as she has high blood pressure and a few other things that we felt needed to be checked. We are working slowly with her on the Dr issues. About 1-2 weeks ago a relative was visiting Mom and Mom told the relative about a health concern. Well, the relative, took it upon themselves to call around and make a Dr appt for my MIL. We just found out last night about the issue from the relative and that the Dr appt is this Fri. My husband is just a bit up set that the relative has know for a couple of weeks about the health issue and the relative never called until last night. Would we be out of line to ask the relative that in the furture is a health issue comes up, to call us right away that we can be brought into the loop? Would we be out of line to ask that this relative not come to the Dr appt with us? We appreciate that the relative took some steps to see that Mom is OK but we what if we had already taken the step to resolve the issue, maybe we know of a Dr that we would rather have Mom see. We also take care of my Mom who is in assisted living, so we do have a lot on our plates.
Is your mom competent? If so she can agree to see any doctor she wants and attend with anyone she wants. After all you've done that is probably difficult to stomach. IF it were me I'd try to attend the appt with your mother and the other family member.
If you cant' make the meeting perhaps you can get mom to sign a form the doctor will have in the office that allows you and your husband to call and ask questions or secure a copy of the record.
As caregivers, it's comforting to know there's an extra source of strength somewhere. While deep inside you appreciate this relative's concern and willingness to help, no one likes an interloper. Particularly when you can't figure out his/her intentions.
Whether you're out of line or not will hinge on how you present the issue to this individual. I'd say something like "You have no idea how much I appreciate what you're trying to do for Mom. It's obvious WE want the best for her. But the next time we need to coordinate our efforts a little bit better so we can both be on and read from the same page at the same time." Then end the conversation with a hearty hug and a big "Thank you SOOO much!"
You may find you can cultivate the relationship with the realitive to behefit all. They may welcome an opportunity to help out as they can. .... or the realitive may run for the hills.