I've been doing things for my mother for almost a year now, no help from my siblings, and it's been rough. I was willing to "do my duty" as I've done this before.
It's a winding road of a story, but I'll give a short version distilled for local charities. I can expand from there, but I am trying to avoid ad nauseum venting.
It's not a question of being willing to help, but rather that all parties involved have made it impossible with short-sighted crisis management and an attitude that I am the house servant. So, I can see that I've got to go. I'm packed up and I could be gone in three hours. It's been a heart-wrenching, stomach churning, hair-pulling-out journey, but I've had to admit that it's done, and it's time to look forward to the next phase of my life. Staying won't do me any good, and there's nothing I can accomplish now.
I live outside of New Orleans proper. There seems to be precious little resources. This is the message I've sent to a few charities. Thoughts?
I am being held against my will in my mother's house, forced by her, and my siblings, to wait on her hand and foot, and suffering food and health insecurities. While I am certainly not being beaten per se, or being held in chains, I am being threatened with homelessness and poverty.
I had been living here in my mother's house when my step-father passed away unexpectedly. My mother has a number of health issues stemming from various unresolved substance abuses. I stepped into the role of doing the housekeeping and personal things for her with the implication from her and my explicit statements that I was willing to take a little time to help her get over the shock, get her through the financial stuff, et cetera until the situation stabilized. After that, I stated my intention to resume my life as it was before he died.
Once she got her social security and pension monies, it seemed to me that she was stable again. I tried to make the transition with her to resume my life. Suddenly, she couldn't be left alone at all, though my stepfather left her for the better part of a day, several times a week. She demands to be waited on 24/7/365. She won't provide me anything other than the basics, and will not buy me food if she mismanages the budget. I've had to go as many as three days with no food. If I try to leave to go get food she tells me that "I better not come back".
I've been in this situation for eleven months now! I've tried to get respite care, but she won't fill out the paperwork. I've begged my siblings, but they refuse. My brother lives across the street, refuses to take a shift, but is ready to storm over to be her "enforcer"; he's much bigger and stronger than I am, ill-tempered, and has a lot to say about how I'm "the caretaker", how I need to "step up to the plate", and has been physically threatening. My sister also refuses, saying ,"this is your job now".
I am mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted! I have been on-call 24/7 for these eleven months. I have various mental health challenges, which I was in therapy to resolve, and making good progress.
There are three things I need to know to start. The first is I need to know if legally I *can* leave. While I have never signed any legal document of any kind, and I don't have a POA, MPOA, guardianship, conservatorship, et cetera, I am concerned that I would be accused of some sort of abandonment. I am fairly sure that she's considered competent, but I don't know that with 100% confidence. I am sure she's told her home health people I am the caretaker but when I talk to them I always emphasize that "I'm just the maid". Second, I need a place to go to. I don't know what's available to someone in my situation, but I can't just leave this house with no place to go. Third, I am going to need some resources to get food, therapy, et cetera.
thanks in advance!
doubleword.
doubleword.
The reason I ask is that it isn't just how things have developed since your stepfather's death. There is also the question of how long it is since you were out in the world on your own, and how realistic it is that you'd be able to cope unassisted with the basic challenges of finding somewhere to live, making a living, and managing in general.
You say you *were* in therapy to resolve your previous mental health issues. Adding in haste - I'm not picking up on that to say "aha! She's the problem!" - I'm wondering if you're still in touch with your therapist, and through your therapist with potential sources of advice and practical support.
I am very glad you found this site.
Your mother has home health aides and other adult children directing her care, one very nearby. Yes, you can leave. Even if your mother isn't competent, she won't be at risk.
Who outside your immediate family do you talk to?
Do you have any money? Get a cheap motel. You may luck out they serve breakfast. That would be one meal. Get to Social Services in your county. Tell them you need temporary help with a place to stay. A shelter would be better than nothing. They may give you vouchers for food. If you are willing to work they may help you with that.
You are a slave if you can't leave a house when you want to. As said, Mom has her Caregiver's and other children near by. Get out. Do not tell them where ur. Block their phones.
doubleword.
If she is competent you don't have to be at her beck and call 24/7. Unless you choose to be. You should find a job now.
Sorry, but it sounds like a womans shelter would be better then this situation.
You have to decide that you are willing to have a bit of hardship to change your current situation. There is no resource to help you avoid that. You have to act on your own behalf to change your life.
Seriously, I am concerned that you say you go days without food and when you decide to go get some you are told that you should not come back if you go. Why wouldn't you go at that point and get food? Being a martyr doesn't serve anyone. Why would you expect that anyone would care more about your wellbeing than you do? That is not how life works, you have to take care of yourself.
You can call APS about your situation, it is unacceptable that you are being kept against your will and being starved. Law enforcement can help you get away.
I believe that you're completely correct about doing my part to make change! That's one of the issues I've been grappling with. I'm usually the helper and fixer, and it's been difficult for me accept that I must to reach out and ask for a little help. I've no Samuel to help me bear my particular Cross for a few paces, so that's my responsibility too.
As a child of narcissists, I was wired and programmed to be the fixer and the scapegoat. The process of rolling up my sleeves, admitting my damage, and taking steps to move forward has shown me that I may be more important at this point than they are. Bouncing these ideas off of actual humans - versus the apes I have fallen in with - is helping me to realign my thinking. You really can't see the water when you're in the water until it gets really dirty and nasty, y'know?
doubleword.
Again, many thanks to the assembled here, it's been a real boon to me to get a little perspective and validation!
I live in Louisiana, and I think the motto should be "Try and make us do our jobs state." I don't have a lot of confidence that they'll act as would reasonably follow given such a senario, so I'm not counting on that bunch. I've tried for section 8, but the waiting list is about five years long, so that's just not practical.
What do you need to demonstrate to get a restraining order? That's not my go-to right away, but I'd like to keep that one in my back pocket. I do plan to "ghost" the whole of them...looking forward to spending all the holidays quietly by myself for a year or so!
The various health people all know that the place has got problems. They're all Facebook buddies and such, and one of the more astonishing things about this whole debacle is that the nurses and my mother have these personal friendships on social media. I'm not a lawyer, but one would think that HIPAA and some sort of professional code of ethics would preclude that sort of thing. Another layer of manipulation, I suppose.
I'm still waiting two weeks so far to get a response from the charitable organizations I've written. Again this seems to be the try-and-make-me state.
I have been really hesitant to bring the authorities into the mix. My one condition in my consultancy was that I didn't do depositions. I got sucked into a slip-and-fall case meeting a client for breakfast, and it was just the worst!
Whatever happens with my mother's situation is not my business, boundries and all of that. A great book by that same name has been really helpful, as an aside. Anyway, they all decided to follow The Stupid Way, despite my many objections, so that's on them so far as I am concerned. I really really tried to do The Right Thing, and it's been quite the challenge for me to understand that it's impossible with this bunch, and that's the real head shaker for me; it'd be so easy to just act like human beings instead of snakes.
Thanks for your feedback, again, one and all! It's been so helpful!
doubleword.
You are ready for putting your belongings in storage if necessary. I suggest you apply for social services for yourself only which would help with getting you food resources, seek job training, and needed medical/therapy services. Describe what you are experiencing with your brother which sounds intimidating. If he lives across the street, then your mother has access to another family member for her needs and she has resources to get housekeeper services. If she hasn't assigned a poa or mpoa, don't assume the responsibility. It's ok to vent because it signifies a need to change your circumstance. Start working.
doubleword.
Could you find a paid, live in caregiver position for yourself? Families are desperate for this sort of help. Contact a caregiver agency near you to see how to get started.
These positions(at least through an agency) are never supposed to be 24/7. You would be protected by the laws governing employees. I would not accept a position like this "under the table." You need the assurances that you will have time off and reasonable working hours. Do not sell your services too cheaply. This type of help is invaluable to someone who wishes to remain in their own home.
Best of luck to you. You can't save someone from their own bad choices.
Yes, it's a very hard lesson to learn that I can't be the "fixer" successfully in this crazy situation. I've made bad choices certainly, trying to save people who don't want saving. Thanks for replying!
doubleword.
I wonder if Adult Protective Services might help or be able to refer you to an agency that could? Wishing you all the best...hope you let us know how things resolve...
I got an initial legal opinion that I was able to leave legally. There could be respite care but my mother refuses to fill out the paperwork. She does own the home, but will not do anything except give me a verbal implication that I'd get the home, nothing to back that up legally. It's a teardown anyway at this point, in my non-expert opinion.
My mother is in a wheelchair as she has a very large lymphedema in front of her privates, more or less, that leaks, varying in size between a softball and a basketball. She's obese and was doing PT until the leakage made the floor too slippery. However, she has the physical ability to cook, get on the toilet, et cetera. She can't be bothered to do a lot of that stuff herself though, and has a different story about it depending on who she's talking to.
I am in my early fifties, and she's in her mid seventies. It's true that I can leave physically, but I've no transportation, money or shelter otherwise, and looking back, I suspect that's by design.
She gets around 3k a month as I understand it, but she's more interested in buying Publisher's Clearinghouse stuff, Yankee Candles for the nurse, money for the nurse, ITunes, sexting, et cetera versus saving money and sticking to a budget. That makes it quite challenging for me sometimes when I run out of food for me - I suffer from some food intolerances - cleaning supplies, et cetera.
I've read a lot of things here about APS, but can't find the equilevent for Louisiana. I would not want to plow into something like that blindly.
Thanks for the reply! I'll certainly keep everyone posted...she got a bug and now has bowel incontinence, which I can only hope is for the duration. She's more non-cooperative than usual. Naturally, it's all my fault, and she's going to starve me to death for it :)
doubleword.
1 - Research women's shelters and find ones that have programs to help alleviate homelessness.
2 - Start packing your things and figure out how you will get to a women's shelter that can provide you with housing, food, and counselling.
3 - If you are worried about being charged with "negligence," call the police on their non-911 number. Tell them your situation and ask their advice. Many police departments have officers trained for these kinds of situations. Follow their advice.
4 - Notify your brother, your sister and your mother that you are leaving. Since other family members are aware of mom's situation, they can also look in on her. If the police are concerned that mom is not "competent," then follow their advice to get her to a doctor to decide if she is competent to manager her own affairs or needs somebody else to do that. It does not have to be you.
Certainly the police see every horror every day. We had a robbery here last year and the officer had great advice on what we could do, so I'm sure that they'd be helpful.
She refuses to leave the house, even for banking and medical, demanding everyone "come to her". So, getting her to a doctor someday is going to be some else's unenviable task. Thanks for replying!
doubleword.
I believe that Louisiana State is one of the 13 States that has “Familial Laws”. That means that sons & daughters are legally required to support their parents with necessities, financially/medically if she is deemed unable to care for herself. This would definitely include your siblings to assist legally.
However if your mom is medically& legally “competent” and is financially set up to pay all her necessities, there should be a way out of this situation for you.
If your mom is eligible for Medicaid you can all become her “paid” caregivers, or choose outside caregivers to be paid...if she is assessed and it is needed.
I am not an attorney. Sometimes an initial attorney consultation is free, speak to a few and see what can be done, what your options are for opting out of this legally and if your are also still allowed to live there since it’s your primary residence.
Good luck, and hang in there, taking care of someone else is one of the hardest jobs!
I *WOULD* recommend getting out asap AND going to the court to get restraining order if necessary, to keep siblings away. I was able to get one without the assistance of a lawyer and no physical harm had been done - it was mostly psychological threatening behavior. Take a job, any job, just to have some income and get yourself out of the house (initially while working, then move to a shelter or motel when you have some savings and income.)
Your mom can fake anything to get police or medical attention. So be it. Not your responsibility. She was fine when you left. You can't live your life on what if...
Get out now. It is extremly abusive. Go to a shelter. They can help you. At least you can get away to think and not be manipulated back into the situation. Do not go back. Do not answer any cell phone or phone calls. They will pressure you to come back. Tell you it will be better. It will go back to the same.
The shelter will help you with a job. At least you are your own person.
Why dont you have a car?
Sometimes talking to a police officer can point one in a direction. I walked into a station with some concerns and a really nice helpful police officer talked with me for a while - a genuine conversation. The trick is to talk to the right person! The first man I talked to started yelling at me until the second thankfully butted in. If you go this route don't hesitate to leave if they're mean! Come back at a different time or try a different place.
Sounds like you're ready to go, you just need a boost and a 'road map'! Truly wishing you the best, you're worth it. Blessings!
I hear that you feel trapped; it is every bit as dire a situation as that of women abused by a spouse. Most respondents here don't know the very real risks and valid fears you face with the prospect of being homeless with no income. It makes good sense to plan, if you can manage to do that while being in an abusive and debilitating environment. I have more to suggest but I have a therapy appointment to get ready for. You will get through this, a step at a time. You know yourself pretty well...and it's great that you're able to believe you are worth saving. Hang in there.
doubleword.
In what sense are you being held against your will?
Walk out, down the street and away.
If someone is holding a gun to your head, call 911.
I meant it in the sense of credible threat of homelessness and poverty as a result of non-compliance, with a good dose of intimidation.
I apologize for the confusion. Were I a better wordsmith, I might have been able to make my meaning clearer. Surely that's something for me to work on! Thanks for your reply!
doubleword.
-Being held against your will. Apparently you are free to come and go because you mentioned she gets mad if you try to go get food.
-Going several days with no food. Who does the grocery shopping? Have you applied for Food Stamps? It might help stretch the food dollars. -If you try to leave to go get food, she tells you you can't return. This tells me you do leave the house. Are you saying that she has food to eat and there's none for you? Maybe prepare soups or casseroles that can be stretched to feed both of you for several days.
-You said you attempted to 'resume' your life once and she became more needy. Did you leave her home, go back to an old job, or what? What were you doing prior to moving in with her? Is it possible you were dependent on her for housing (and financially) but doing your own thing outside the house - just coming and going? When you attempted to resume your life, was your plan to go to a shelter to leave?
-Whatever the answers to the questions, if you want to leave you can leave. Not sure what all you have in the home that would require a 3 hour move-out, but if you're going to a shelter you won't be able to take a lot of things with you. So first thing would be to figure out where you will store your belongings until you have a residence. If you have no way to store things, sort through the most important items you need from the house (personal papers, etc) and get them into a plastic tub to minimize what you take. When you planned to leave before, where were you going and is that still an option... friend, other relative, etc? Otherwise, talk with a shelter to explain situation and see if you can get a move-out date based on what they tell you.
-Decide on a move-out day and, in advance, mail certified (signature proof of delivery) to each of the siblings (or to brother across the street) and tell them date you will be moving all of your belongings out of the house and one/all of them needs to be there to handle care for mom. If you have a cell phone, you could text the message/move out date to them -- be sure to send it to your own email address and at least one friend so that you have proof of notification in the event you will no longer have access to the cell phone after you leave.
-On move out day, leave and go directly to the shelter to get the help you need to get a job and become self supporting again. Make sure this is what you want before putting the plan in motion. If you have relied on mom/siblings in the past, you may no longer have that option going forward.
The family is not really holding you hostage as much as you have created a 'dependent' on mom situation. Best of luck to you.
Yes, I can come and go in the sense of being able to walk in and out of the house. There are no physical barriers. I can get out for about three hours at a stretch. That's good. The bad part is that I live on the west bank of the Missippi river, and the area is a wasteland. It's all refineries and such jealously guarded by public and private law enforcement. There is public transportation that can get me across the river, but it costs $2.00 per trip, and the bus only passes every hour and a half, and ceases at around 6pm.
My mother demands service at certain times, and those are not set. She demands I make her a meal more after something she does, whenever she does it, more than being on a numerical schedule. If I don't make those services, then I'm accused of plotting to abuse her, et cetera.
If I can get the right bus connections, I can run a brief errand, and rush back to the house. Even though the time frame will be 3-3 1/2 hours, I've still cut it close sometimes.
I had very little money a year ago, and have had to buy gas station chicken when she decides to withold food for too long. I have to go, get the food, find someplace to eat it that's safe, and get back.
My brother does the grocery shopping. She makes the list eventually, and he'll go if and when he feels like it. So, once food runs out, I'm still expected to magically be able to feed this elderly person and keep a relatively sanitary house living on butter and coffee. It's kind of a narcissim thing.
She will not eat the food if it's not how she likes it, and she'll accuse me to anyone who'll listen of abuse of some kind. I can't eat the seasoning she likes, but she can eat my food, and will demand it if she gets bored with her snacks. Sure, it'll all out in the end, but it's a lot of trouble to sort out. The system is designed to protect seniors more than caregivers, and can't easily address my situation.
When I tried to negotiate getting out again, i.e. making a schedule to get her up, making meals and lunches, et cetera she became very angry and threatening. Though my stepfather was satan incarnate, suddenly she was so much worse off that she couldn't be left alone for the day; he did so regularly.
Before, I could leave very early,catch a bus, get access to resources, therapy, and a little peace.
My goal was to finish my therapy then get independent from there. I can get some small access to resources, but they can't come to me.
Currently the shelters around me have a waiting period and a requirement of being on the street for a week.
I have a go-bag with clothes, papers and a very old laptop ready to go. The problem is not leaving, it's where I can go to next.
Employment is a seperate issue. I have some challenges that get in the way of what's available. I had a small consultancy but that dried up.
Sure, my actions and mistakes and issues made me vunerable to predators and that's on me. It took a long time and a lot of work to understand that I was prey and was being preyed upon. I'm not perfect by a good stretch, but my imperfections are not a license for abuse either. I have my part to work on and change, hopefully for the better. Thank you for reading and replying, and for your time!
Yes, I really just want a place to myself. I haven't had a non-drama day since August 2005 now that I think about it, yeesh! :)
I have been told I "owe" for being sheltered before my stepfather died. I figured out that adding up all the caregiving time @ 10.00/hr (very conservative) and subtracting back rent @$300/month I would still be owed several thousand dollars.
I don't know if the government sees me as the official caregiver. I will talk to the home health nurses when they come in, but emphasize that "I'm just the maid". It would be good to have a stake of some kind, though.
I have a college degree and an IT certification. I can get work on the IT cert, as I had a small consultantcy for IT issues. These days, that entails doing break/fix fieldwork, and that requires a car and a functioning sense of direction.
doubleword.
From your description of mom, she's not just obese, she's morbidly obese, has an incredibly large flap of skin which is swollen up the size of a softball to basketball over her privates. She possible could get out of her wheelchair to bed or to potty, but she's been helped by the nurses and you for these things for years. She claims she needs no help, but you fear she's not able to do things for herself. Is this accurate?
How much "stuff" do you have? I hope it's next to nothing, as you don't have a car and if you try to hide it in the yard, they will find it and destroy it. My mother was a severe hoarder and I don't have any pictures of me before 7. I have 3 between 7-16, and they were given to me by a neighbor. I don't need the photos. I have nothing from my childhood except a 1 inch tall bell my grandmother had on display. I'm fine without "stuff". Think about what you need and what you could sell, reasonably. Books are practically worthless (libraries!) and are heavy. Don't keep those. Most yearbooks are being digitized, so someday yours will be online - take photos of any signatures that were important to you. Coat, work & interview clothes, blanket. That's what the minimum is. What you can carry in one trip.
When you are ready, do something that irritates mom. Get her really steamed up, and then call for the EMTs to check her blood pressure. When she gets there, tell them she's been out of control and as the housekeeper, you did not feel good about leaving until they were there. And WALK OUT THE DOOR. On your way out of the neighborhood, you can call your brother's voicemail and tell him that he needs to check on mom. Then block him. Go to a men's shelter and wait in line for a bed and start a new life. You can do this.
My mother is physically capable of standing and walking using a walker. She doesn't because the lymphedema leaks constantly, and in her condition a slip and fall could be deadly. She spends most of her days in her chair sexting to "yahoo boys" and creating mayhem on Facebook. She's on low O2 (copd) @ 2. She really doesn't deign to cook or do housework for herself except on rare occasions. She can do things for herself, she just won't. She yells and threatens me until I do them, and I have because I have a lot of other stuff going on and I don't always have the emotional energy to fight her tooth and nail over trivia.
I had a car when I moved in, so I have more things. I have them all packed up in twelve or so plastic bins, the kind that stack.
She's got some serious issues with emotional regulation so she gets "steamed up" all of the time! As bad as she's been to me though, I can't do anything to her that might be harmful. However, that's a good idea just for her own safety, as it's exhausting to have to try to rationally navigate her mood control issues.
doubleword.
I believe that I'll have to do this whether or not I believe I can. I can see that there's no future for me otherwise.
Tell her if you are going to stay you need to get paid on top of having housing and food and if she is not willing then u have to make your way out.
Contact your local social services agency about housing for your mental health conditions.
Inform your siblings I'm writing that you need help and a break and that you will be gone from time to time, they can coordinate with u or u can just inform them.
By law she cannot just put u out without going through legal channels.
Of course if they are vindictive people they may change the locks when u leave.
I would do a video of your belongings in the home, keep a copy of the letter you wrote to your siblings and plan to take your own respite if u can find somewhere to go get relief.
U deserve better and o am sorry they have put this on you. U have to put u 1st sometime and as a full time caretaker myself, this is overwhelming and we all need a break.
Wishing you well and know that if the locks are changed u can go to law enforcement for help getting back in. Also keep proof that your mail goes there.
Hopefully it will not come to that.
Also in most states an competent disabled adult does not require 24 supervision as long as they have access to a phone and know how to call for help as needed.
Your story unfortunately happens in families too often not to your extreme but definitely siblings who refuse to help and have no problem barking demands without providing any support.
The food stamps are based on household income, not individual income. She gets around 3k - so I'm told - a month but I haven't seen any paperwork,
I'm in the process of getting some options, as my plan is to lead from strength. I've tried asking, begging, demanding, et cetera but I haven't had anything to back any of that up.
I've asked the sibs repeatedly for a little time off, and they've ghosted me on that point. When I go whatever happens will be none of my concern.
Yes, I learned a lot about tenancy from the next door neighbor. A heroin addict, he stole many times, and had been brought back to life from overdose so many times I nicknamed him 'Lazarus'. Despite his shenanigans he still had to be evicted via a formal process taking at least 30 days. So, I have that on my side. However, when I do get going again I don't want an eviction on my record. The law is shamefully biased towards landlords, and an eviction can be like a death sentence for the renter.
doubleword.
doubleword.
That doesn't mean that you have to give her what she demands.
Do you understand that? That you can walk away, and yes, be homeless and avail yourself of social services?
What exactly do you get by staying?
That said, again you are completely correct in what you say. I'm trying to not just dive into the next part of my life blindly. I don't see that as being responsible to myself, though it is a tempting and romantic notion to just "run away".
What I do get by staying in the short term is to try to craft the best exit for myself and to not set myself up for more failure. Assuming I'll be on the streets for awhile, I would like the weather to warm up a bit so that I need to carry less clothing with me. There's a requirement of x days on the street depending on the shelter, and that's on top of the waiting lists. There's a lot of homeless people out there. Thanks for your continuing interest in my welfare!
doubleword.
Even one of my mother's nurses noticed that I didn't look well, and he asked if I was okay. I told him that I wasn't, and he attempted to advocate for me, but she shot him down. He's really her nurse not mine, so there's a limit to what he can do under the medicare rules as I understand it.
I don't know if the nurses are mandated reporters in the case of caregivers, or what their responsibilities are; this agency (Stat) does not fill me with confidence.
All that said, I am again grateful to all of you encouraging me to understand that I'm not forced to "stay and obey". That's been such a light in the darkness for me! Thank you one and all!
doubleword.
do you have professional contacts from before you became your mom's unpaid servant? Anyone who might be willing to advance you some funds to rent an apartment or a room so you can get back into gainful employment?
doubleword.
doubleword.
The legal aid people all want proof of income, utility bills, et cetera. I have none of these things, and it's been a real show-stopper for me in terms of getting access to those resources.
As for friends, they pretty much have been "fair weather". They told me that we couldn't be friends anymore because I am not on Facebook. Family is weird. My mother's sisters are multimillionares, but have the same type of personality defects as my mother. Example: I have a cousin who likes to use all natural cleaning products. When she was recovering after birthing her first child, one of them decided that wasn't good enough, so traveled to Boston from Louisiana just to purposely clean her house with bleach and solvents while my cousin was incapacitated. She had to drag herself out of bed to throw this woman out!
On my father's side is a very rich uncle who was very kind towards me when we all evacuated to his house after Hurricane Katrina. I did IT support for the house and his smoothie business, and he paid me well and opened his house up to me; even offering to buy me a new car after mine was hit in his driveway by a tree after another hurricane hit his house two weeks later. I have no way to contact him these days except through my father, who makes himself the gatekeeper. My guess is that he considers me an embarrassment, so I do not believe that my father's side knows anything about what my situation has been.
doubleword.